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Chapter 38

Playlist: Ashes and Wine by A Fine Frenzy

Angela Weber was probably, for all intents and purposes, my best friend. Since moving to Vancouver I had come to rely on her. She made the college transition fairly tolerable. The last three months would have been unbearable had it not been for her company. Angela was always open minded and a good listener, if needed. She was content to sit in silence with me as I waded through my troubles. She knew of my engagement to Jacob and she knew of my ring avoidance issues. Not one time did she tell me how childish, or selfish, or ridiculous I was behaving. I had hidden my reservations from Jacob for weeks now, with absolutely no resolve to the internal conflict I struggled with.

Angela looked at situations and did not judge, even if judgment was merited. When it came to my disastrous life, inquisition in some form was almost always merited. It was only natural. She helped me cope when my life was devoid of Jacob. Now it was my turn to help her. Now she was in need of a friend.

Her relationship with Ben Cheney had been stony for awhile. The distance and new-found freedom of college was a bit overwhelming for both of them. We had been at school for about three months. With Thanksgiving break just around the corner, I felt completely sorry for her. Over the last weekend break, Ben decided to part ways with her, and she sat in my apartment on Thursday evening devastated.

"I gave everything I could to him and he just pissed it away," she said between sobs. "Why are men so stupid?"

Angela was kind hearted and she never deserved to be hurt. She was the female equivalent of Jacob- kind, thoughtful, and sunny. I guess that made me the female equivalent of Ben-confused, indecisive, and stupid.

How nice, I get to be the jerk. My thought was only encouraged by the absent ring on my finger.

"I'm sorry," I repeated. I had no idea what to say. I wasn't exactly an expert at relationships.

"Bella, do you think it will ever not hurt? I mean, like with Edward, does it still hurt?"

"Sometimes, if I really think about it, I guess it hurts. But eventually you will move on." I was trying to offer her solace and encouragement, but without Jacob I would probably still be a stupefied zombie wallowing in self pity. I was of no help to her situation.

"Bella, let's go out tomorrow night, have some fun. It will help me to get my mind off of it. We're young. We've got nothing to hold us back. Right?"

Well I have a diamond ring in a drawer in my bedroom that might say otherwise. "Okay," I responded. I wanted to be a good friend and return the favor. I couldn't imagine what kind of fun Angela and I might have. We were both socially inept; clubbing and the local scene really wasn't our forte. Perhaps we should go to a poetry reading or something. At least we would fit in there.

As for the ring, I still couldn't bring myself to wear it. My visits home were the only time I ever put the ring on. I was fooling Jacob, but I wasn't fooling myself. It was really all ridiculous. I knew that I would spend forever with Jake; I wanted to. Why couldn't I just wear the damn ring? What reproach did I see in a harmless diamond?

When Friday night came, Angela arrived at my apartment promptly at 8:00 pm-overnight bag in tow. I had just finished up with a research paper when she knocked on the door. We ended up going to the campus hot spot, Cave, which was a first for both of us.

Angela and I were not the sorority girl type. We didn't drink or party, we didn't flirt, and we hated unnecessary attention. We studied, and in our free time we were consumed with our boyfriends.

Angela had excused herself, and I was left sitting at our corner table. I focused on the top of the table, following the infinite grain of wood. I couldn't get over how horrible this place smelled. I'd rather be surrounded by a pack of wolves than be at this club, any day. I missed Jacob. I should be on my way home tonight, but he was with the pack this weekend, so seeing him was out. I circled my finger where the ring should be, my guilt eating me alive.

"Bella," I heard a familiar call from behind me. I stood up and turned abruptly to see a face from the past.

"Mike," I responded, as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Hey, I was wondering when I would finally run into you," he said, smiling excitedly.

"Are you at WSU? I thought you were going to Oregon."

"Yeah, I changed plans at the last minute."

"Oh, why?" I asked without any tact.

"Her name is Amie. I met her over summer break. She's changed my life, Bella. She could possibly be 'the one.' She attends school here. I would introduce you, but she's back home for the weekend."

"How do you know that? I mean you're still so young. How do you know she's 'the one'?" I was hoping that Mike's answer would be good enough for me to apply to my own situation.

"I just know," he beamed. No solace in those three words, I thought.

Mike looked the same, yet different. He seemed more masculine. His face was dramatic, each and every line defined with maturity. I glanced down to notice that he was bigger, more muscular and toned. I giggled to myself just wondering what transmutation he had undergone-maybe he was superman. I knew all too well that it wasn't impossible.

He was in love and he was happy. Amie had really made a difference for Mike Newton.

I sat and talked with Mike until Angela got back. She was just as shocked to see him as I had been. Any hard feelings between us were gone, and it was nice just to be with friends.

"So, girls, do you want to dance?"

"No, I don't really dance," Angela and I both said in unison, which caused Mike to burst out into laughter.

"Some things never change," he chuckled. "Karaoke will be starting in about twenty minutes. Come on, everyone can karaoke." Angela and I both looked at him skeptically and glanced back down to the top of the table.

"Did you come here to admire the top of that table, or did you come here for fun?"

We relented and by the end of the night we suffered through a very horrible rendition of "Proud Mary" and "Don't Stop Believing." It was a welcome escape from the harsh realities that plagued my mind.

We left Cave around two in the morning and went back to my apartment. We spent the night like old friends: talking, reminiscing, spilling secrets. I mostly listened since I was the newest friend of the group, and for the biggest majority of my time at Forks High, I was consumed with Edward Cullen.

I woke up Saturday morning to sunshine outside my window.

"Bella, I'm leaving. I've got to be at the library for my civics study group," Angela said as she entered my bedroom.

"What time is it?" I asked sleepily.

"Nine," she responded. "See you later. Dinner tonight, right?"

"Yeah, I'll call you later," I yawned. Where did she get all of that energy?

I pulled the cover back over my head. I had only been asleep for about three hours. Thanks to Alice, I no longer needed a Saturday job and I could spend the day in bed.

No sooner than I had closed my eyes, I heard another knock at the door. Angela. She must have forgotten something. I really should give her a key.

I fell out of bed trying to untangle my feet from the comforter. I finally made it to the door, with a bruised shin no less and I was out of breath.

"Good morning beautiful."

I moved the knotted hair from my face revealing a very handsome Jacob with a bouquet of flowers.

"Jake!" I went to hug him. He leaned into me and pulled away abruptly. "Bella, you smell like a biker."

"Sorry, I was at a bar last night."

"I assumed that," Jake said, pointing to the covered blob on my couch.

I laughed and began to explain to Jacob everything that happened in the last week. I told him about Angela and Ben, and about Mike.

"Nice to know that I'm missed."

"You are missed. You are more than missed. You are file-a-complaint-with-Charlie missed." I was being light humored, but Jake's eyes told me that he was a little upset about my outing. It was out of character for Jacob to be controlling. Normally, Jake was the epitome of free-falling-fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants. Edward had been the controlling boyfriend.

"Really," his eyes grew wide. "Then, do you want to explain this to me," he snapped at me, dropping the bouquet of flowers and jerking up my left hand.

It was a disaster. I could lie and tell him I took it off before I went to sleep, or that it was too big and I didn't want to lose it. Both of those seemed believable enough.

Truth…honesty...that was Jacob, he deserved the truth. I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't lie to him.

I jerked away from him. I was not ready to discuss this. I was sleep deprived and I wouldn't make any sense even if I knew what my problem was. I still had not figured it out.

I shut the door and joined Jacob in the hall. I certainly didn't want to disturb Mike with our arguing.

"It's nothing Jacob. I just took the ring off. You said we needed to be inconspicuous."

My reply, although misleading, was honest, and I hoped that I had averted a potential argument. Judging by Jacob's glare, I was wrong.

"I don't understand you. I hear the words, but they're not making sense. I come here to surprise you, and I find you with another guy in your apartment, that you've been with all night in a bar. I really don't know what to make of it."

"You're being unfair. It's not like that and you know it."

"Suppose I believe you. What about the ring?"

"Fine. I took the ring off. I don't wear it unless I'm with you. I don't know why, I wish I did. I've been trying to figure it all out since you gave it to me. I guess I'm scared. I'm sorry," I said in a hushed voice, trying not to disturb the neighbors.

"You don't want to marry me, Bella?" he asked in a foreboding tone.

"Jake it's complicated and I'm trying to sort through it all."

"Sort through what? It's yes or no, black or white, in or out. I know with every fiber of my being that that I want to be with you forever. How much longer are we going to play this game of cat and mouse? Just when I have you pulled in, you slip away. What do I need to do to prove myself?"

He was right, I should know, and I shouldn't have doubts. But things were different for me. My life was not simply black and white, yes or no. I was constantly plagued with gray maybes. It wasn't Edward that I was hanging on to. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with Jacob. I loved Jacob, of course I wanted to be with him. All of the doubts I had were a result of Renee and Charlie: I feared the worst because I knew that love doesn't always last. My parents were the example that had been set for me from the beginning.

Once again, I had hurt Jacob with all of my agnostic questioning. I hated myself for causing him pain.

"Jake, I'm really sorry," I pleaded.

"Bella, I'm just wasting my time with you. I thought that once you were past the bloodsucker, I'd have you all to myself. But that was the easy part. I concede; you win. I can't force you to love me. And honestly I'm tired of this charade. You can camouflage it all you want. Blame it on your past, blame it on the distance, blame it on the weather. But at the heart of the problem, your love for me is just not that strong, and you can't commit to me."

I leaned up against the wall outside my door. My madness had sent Jacob running from me. It was only a ring-a diamond and some metal. I would wear it to make Jake happy. I would eat the damn thing if he would just stay with me. He was wrong, my love for him was very strong. I would move mountains and cross the ocean for Jacob Black. I just couldn't marry him.

"I can't win with you Bella. I play the game, but I can't win," his words were tortured. "Being with you is like ten minutes in euphoria, only to spend a year in hell. You let me in just to shut me out."

I couldn't breathe, my lungs were impaired. He had cut me to the core, but everything he said was true. My eyes burned from fighting back tears. This must be what it feels like to die and see the quantity of your life and realize that you could have done so much more. That your full potential was never reached and you can't go back. That is exactly how I felt, like I was dying.

"Did you only agree to marry me because I almost died?"

"No," I whispered. The tears were falling, and I hated myself for being weak and crying in front of him. I slid down the wall and rested myself on the floor, my head in my hands. I was losing the battle.

"Bella, I love you, but this is all debilitating and exhausting. I can handle fire, I can handle ice. But I can't handle the incessant careening between the two. I'm begging you to figure it all out. Are you hot or cold? Are you in or out? Are you black or white?"

I looked up and wiped the brewing tears from my eyes, so I could see him clearly. He stood there with his own tears falling down his beautiful face. His stare burned into me, setting my soul on fire. I had never seen him look so vulnerable.

"Bella with you, pain is inevitable. But I've realized that suffering is optional. I really need you to figure it out."

Stop him…beg him, I thought. But instead, I sat there and watched him leave. I listened to every footstep he made until they faded from my existence. I didn't fight for Jacob before, and I didn't have the ability to fight now. He was right: I was always keeping him on a string and now I had to cut him loose. I had to get a grip on my dysfunctional love for Jacob Black. I was so tired of hurting him. It was an endless process. As he said, with me, "pain is inevitable."

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

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End Notes: I know more angst...it's like Eclipse all over again with all the back and forth.

Please go review, or Bella and Mike will so hook up. LOL No really, tell me what you think. I'd love to know what your favorite part of this chapter is.