Chapter Thirty-Eight

Sam scrunched his eyes closed, and scrubbed at them in an attempt to stop the burning. He was tired, the most ridiculous amount of tired – his bones actually ached, but so far any form of sleep he had tried to seek out had eluded him. He couldn't get comfortable, couldn't really move – Andy had practically glued herself to his side all night, and even in her sleep she appeared to have maintained a desperate grip on him. He tried to shuffle slightly, crane his neck so that he could see past her to check the time on the alarm clock and it flashed an angry 3.15 at him in bright red lettering, he stifled a sigh – his head dropping back against the pillow with an eye roll. He held himself deadly still when he felt Andy stir against him, her bony fingers digging into his shoulder and a sleepy sigh ghosting against his neck. He held still until he was sure she was really and truly out again, and gingerly extricated himself from her grip – gently holding onto her and easing her back into the mattress, dropping a gentle kiss on the back of her head and then the edge of her shoulder as she buried her face into his pillow and scooted out from under her, shuffling to the edge of the bed, planting his feet firmly on the cool floorboards and pulling on his tracksuit pants before padding softly out of the room and towards her kitchen.

He didn't have the energy to switch on any of the lights, his tired eyes already burning and dry and he knew his way around her apartment well enough not to need them – collected a bottle of scotch and a glass before allowing his aching legs to take refuge on her bar stool, and poured himself a large helping of the amber liquid – relishing in the warm burn as it slid down his throat in one very large gulp. He poured himself another one, but didn't drink it...just nursed the glass in his fingers and watched the way it filtered the lights shining in the huge windows from the streets outside. His brain felt like cotton – unable to think or process anything, but somehow at the same time unable to switch off. He felt the pressure and the worry of what the looming morning would bring weighing down on him like a lead weight – and the more he tried not to think about it, the more he couldn't think about anything else. The thought of what Andy was going to have to put herself through made his heart drop and churn in time with his stomach, and those thoughts always seemed to lead into thoughts of what she had already been through...as much as he tried to stop them...sneaking into the dark corners of his brain, and scratching up against some scars he thought he had healed. He swallowed thickly a couple of times, swigging a mouthful of scotch as a follow through measure in an attempt to force the bile rising in his throat back – and move his automatic thought pilot away from the images his brain was insisting on filing through – of the things that they could have done to her, the things that happened to his sister – the fact that he had been useless and powerless to stop what had happened to either – he knew where this was going to end, didn't want his head to take him there...he wanted – no needed sleep. He needed sleep.

He reached into his pocket, and pulled out his phone with the hand not nursing his scotch and stared blankly at the screen for a few minutes – scrolling aimlessly through the menu, until he inadvertently pulled up Sarah's details in his contacts list. He eyed her name on the screen, working his jaw and waging an internal debate with himself – he wanted to call her, he needed to call her – talk to her, but it was late...far too late for him to even be reasonably considering it – except he was, thumb hovering above the call button until he was distracted by the creak of the hinges on Andy's bedroom door – her sleepy form stumbling into view, and a rubbing a fist over her bleary eyes – a wide yawn escaping for good measure. "Hey...what are you doing?" Her voice was low and sleepy, and she padded across to him at the counter – wrapping her fingers around the edge, and peering at him.

"Nothing...You should go back to bed, get some sleep." Sam flashed a quick smile at her, dropping his phone of the counter top and reaching forward to brush some of her wayward hair off her face.

Andy leaned into his touch, before reaching up and taking hold of his hand – interlacing their fingers and tugging on him. "Come with me..."

"Andy..."

"Please...? I can't sleep if you're not there." Her big brown eyes locked on his and in that second she looked so young to him. Young, and vulnerable and he squeezed her hand, pulling her over to him gently until she bumped into his thigh. Letting go of his drink he wrapped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her a little closer, brushed her nose with his before nuzzling in at her neck with a gentle kiss.

"Just give me a minute – I'll be there in a bit ok?"

She wrapped her arms around him, clung onto him super tight for a second – stared at him for a good few seconds more when she pulled back again before she finally gave up her hold, but she did as he asked – turning away and walking softly back to her room, leaving her door wide open for him to follow.

He watched her leave, finally letting go of the breath he didn't know he had been holding in a violent puff of air and scrubbed a palm at his face – trying to rid any kind of coherent thought from his head, and pulled himself to his feet – reaching for and glancing at his phone. He typed in a quick 'love you' and hit the send button, before the realisation of what he was doing hit...and he cursed his sleep deprived brain – if there was one thing that was going to clue his sister into the fact that he was struggling, that was it. He dropped the offending phone onto the counter, downed the last of his drink and rinsed the glass – placing it on the drainer and the bottle back in its cupboard before following in Andy's earlier path, pulling the door gently closed behind him.

She was already curled up under the covers when he made it back to the bed, her eyes closed – any thought that he had around her already falling back asleep was cleared out of his head when she threw the covers back on his side of the bed for him to climb in as soon as he reached the edge. He did as she asked, climbed into the bed and stretched out on his back – staring at the ceiling. The thick silence of the room was cut with her soft, quiet whisper after about five minutes.

"Sam..."

He turned his head to look at her, but she was still facing away – curled up on her side, and not touching him. "Yeah...?"

She reached out a hand – her cold fingers wrapping around his arm trying to pull him to her, as she wriggled backwards – tugging on him insistently until she had manoeuvred them both so that his arms were wrapped around her, her legs tangled up with his and her hands held his arms against her in a vice grip. "Ok...it's ok. Everything's going to be ok." His voice waivered on the last 'ok' and she felt him tighten his hold on her – a kiss landing somewhere in her hair, and she screwed her eyes shut tight – forcing the dampness away and wriggled backwards a little more in an attempt to get even closer.

"Love you..." It had been quiet, her lips mumbling the sentiment into the pillow, but she knew he heard her – felt the sharp expansion of his ribs against her as he sucked in some air, and said it straight back.

Sam eyed the coffee on the breakfast counter skeptically He felt sick, hadn't been able to eat any of the breakfast he had made and tried to force into Andy earlier (had relented after she sat at the breakfast counter pushing the food around her plate for thirty minutes, and managing four painful mouthfuls). He fidgeted with his shirt collar a couple of times...tried to loosen the stranglehold he felt, even though it wasn't even buttoned all the way up and grabbed the cup - forcing a couple of gulps down before the buzzer on the door sounded.

He was surprised by Sarah for the second time in two weeks as she smiled, small and concerned at him from the hallway.

"Don't look at me like that...where else am I going to be?"

Sam tried to force some words out of his mouth, but in the end all he could manage was "Sarah...I...you don't..."

"I got your message." She nudged him backwards into the apartment, so that she could get inside and closed the door behind her. "Where's Andy?"

"She's...uh...getting ready." He waved his arm in the direction of her bedroom, and Sarah followed his line of vision to the doorway before looking back at him from her spot now in the centre of the room.

"Sam..."

"Don't...please...Sarah I can't..."

She ignored the shaking of his head as she paced back towards him, and wrapped her arms around him in a tight, fierce hug. He tried to shrug her off but she was having none of it, and eventually he let her hold him – wrapping an arm around her in return and she whispered a "love you too Sammy," in his ear.

Sarah didn't let go of him until she felt him tense again and heard footsteps behind her, turning to see Andy loitering and eyeing Sam from her doorway – picking agitatedly at her fingers. Her hair was down – probably because she knew she would need something to fiddle with, bare minimum of makeup applied and a black blouse and grey pencil skirt. Luke had said it would be better for her not to testify in uniform – would make her more relatable. She tried a smile, but it didn't stay put long – chin dimpling and her lips twitching with the effort of keeping her tears at bay, her already red-rimmed eyes turning glassy again. "How do I look...trustworthy and believable?"

Sarah looked back and forth between her brother and Andy a couple of times, was close enough to him to hear the sharp intake of breath he had and the way the two of them were eyeing each other broke her heart a little. She reached out and gave Sam's hand a reassuring squeeze, before walking back over to Andy and sweeping her up in a hug and squeezing her tight. "You're going to do fine..."

Traci had met the three of them at the courthouse, was waiting in the hallway for them and swept Andy up into an awkward hug as soon as they got there...awkward because she refused to relinquish the death grip she had on Sam's hand as soon as they had left her apartment. The prosecutor arrived a few minutes later – asking Traci and Andy to follow him to an office just down the hallway, and Andy's grip on Sam's hand tightened to bone crushing level – her wide-eyes seeking out his for re-assurance.

"I don't think I can do this..."

Sam caught Traci's eye, and she nodded – understanding, and reaching out a comforting hand to squeeze her shoulder. "I'm going to go with Martin...we have to talk about a couple of things, you just come and join us when you're ready." Traci nudged him down the hall, and Andy watched them walk away before turning back to Sam – shaking her head, her fingernails digging into his palm.

"I can't...Sam...I can't..!"

Sarah took a few steps away, down to the edge of the hallway to give them some space and found a chair – trying to focus on anything other than the two of them. Sam pried his hand out of her death grip – wrapping his hands around her shoulders and waited for her to stop shaking. "Yes you can..."

"No! No I can't!"

He pulled her to him, wrapping her tightly in her arms and letting her bury her face against his neck – held her until breathing even out, and she clutched at his shirt – bunching it in her fists. "You can Andy...I know you can." He pulled away from her a bit, took a step back and cupped her face in his hands, kissing her gently on her forehead before forcing her to look up at him. "Do you want me to come with you...?"

Andy came to her senses at that, or at least tried to pull herself together. She took a few large steps backwards...shaking her head vehemently, before finding the words she needed. "No...No...I...No...I'm ok." She glanced down the hallway to the door that Traci and the prosecutor walked in to before looking back to Sam, "It's just...they're just...He just wants to run over things right? I'll see you before I have to go in..."

Sam forced a small smile into place, and gave a small nod of his head in confirmation. "Right...just run it through. I'll be right here..."

She tried to smile back, stood in the same spot for a few long seconds before she turned on her heel and walked down the hallway – Sam watched her walk away, knock and walk through the door at the bottom of the hall, finally forcing his feet towards a chair when she disappeared from sight and took a seat before he fell down. He could feel Sarah's eyes on him, but he couldn't make himself acknowledge her – opting instead to take stock of the floorboards beneath his feet.

A/N...and there goes instalment two for this weekend – but it will be the last one for this week I'm afraid folks...uni books are calling! Thank you for being patient with me – and as always, I hope you enjoyed and thank you for your awesome reviews...they really do make me smile! :o) xxxxx