Well we all know what this will be about. Once again Sirius is amazing.

It took longer than usual, sorry, but the next few will be quick I hope. Unless University gets in the way.

Reviews are very appreciated. Keep them coming!

Enjoy...

P.S. You may hate me by the end

Chapter 36

Remus Lupin pushed angrily through the couples walking hand in hand through the streets of London. His head was buzzing with thoughts, rationalizations and justifications. How could she say things like that to him? She was behaving like a child, a precocious spoilt brat to be truthful. Blood was pounding in his ears, bringing up the anger that he knew was going to be difficult to swallow, even for him. He was resisting the urge to shout at the innocent passers by, just to vent it all out. She was being ignorant and stupid if she thought they would never encounter this problem. Lupin knew he was being sensible, whatever it cost him and he was determined to prove that he was right. Every step he took, each more aggravated than the previous, allowed the frustration to build. What was he supposed to do? Ignore the lifetime of judgement and banishment because maybe, for now, she wouldn't mind it. He knew she would eventually. When her family and her friends refused to be with her because of him, she would care. He wouldn't be worth it when she had no one else but him, she would have wished she'd listened to him then.

He sighed angrily; making the couple he'd just walked past flinch. He was trying to protect her and this was what he got. He got yelled at for trying to help her, to make her see the faults in what they were doing. What was the point of helping her if she was going to behave like a child? This was right. He was right. They weren't equal by any stretch of the imagination. She was young and whole and she still had so much ahead of her. Where as he was damaged, his course had been run long ago and now he was picking up the pieces, biding time before the next tragedy that was sure to come. He was too old, too poor and too dangerous. Why was he the bad guy for trying to do her a favour? Did she think he enjoyed it? Did she think he wanted to have to be like this? She was a fool if she did. He was doing this because it was right, they could not be a couple. In his raged walk he bumped into something. He looked up and found he'd hit a kissing couple. His eyes narrowed.

"Sorry," he growled.

Part of him ached at the sight of them, he wished he was having a Valentines Day like theirs, but he wasn't and he was never going to let the part surface; so instead, he stamped off in a huff.

Lupin burst into Grimmauld Place, slamming the door harder than normal, but thankfully not waking any of the portraits. He stomped down the corridor and saw Sirius appear.

"What are you doing back so early? Did you forget– "

Lupin brushed passed him and turned down the stairs before he could even finish speaking. He sat angrily down in a chair by the fire. His mind still telling him all the reasons he used to justify what he'd said to Tonks. He determinedly stared forwards at the wall, breathing hard, every breath telling him she was being immature, knowing he was right. In all his silent brooding he hadn't noticed Sirius enter, or that he was standing opposite him, watching with a mixture of amusement and concern.

"What are you doing back here so early?" He asked again.

Lupin glared at him and then looked back at the wall. Somehow he knew if he explained everything it would all become unstitched in his mind.

"No reason," he grunted.

"It's the Valentines Day curse isn't it?"

The absurdity of what Sirius had said caught his attention and briefly snapped him out of his rage.

"What?" Lupin asked.

Sirius laughed.

"It's Valentines Day, universally the worst day for couples."

"I think you've got it wrong Sirius. It's the most romantic day of the year," Lupin growled, his anger returning at the lack of help.

"Nope. Every couple fights today. There's too much pressure."

Again the anger drained. Perhaps there was help after all.

"So, how are you supposed to get through it?"

"Don't know," Sirius shrugged.

"Well," He said, hearing the test of patience in his own voice. "What did you do when you fought with them?"

"Don't know," Sirius shrugged again.

Lupin's eyes narrowed on him.

"Well come on Moony, I was never with one long enough to have something to fight about," he laughed. "Merlin, I do love Tonks though."

Again Lupin shot him another glare, but this had confusion mixed in it too.

"Well she's good. I've never known anyone to ruffle your feathers, or fur at least, this much. She's got a gift. Must be the Black blood in her," he added proudly.

For at least two hours or so, neither said anything more. Sirius began reading the Prophet, and at one point got mead for Lupin and himself, but Lupin said nothing. He was back to staring forwards, frustration still eating through him. He had never had his words thrown back in his face like that before. In truth, he'd never told anyone he loved them, so the whole situation was that much uglier now that it worked on a deeper level. He didn't understand how he could love her and still be completely and utterly frustrated to the core with her. She was being stubborn. She was being a stubborn, selfish child. Maybe not selfish, she was the opposite of selfish in most ways and Lupin knew that. But still, that didn't give her the right to get uppity because he didn't wish to do certain things. She wouldn't understand the consequences of taking their relationship, or lack there of now, public.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't just that. She had been right with one thing, he did worry about what everyone else would do. What would everyone think about them? Sirius didn't judge, but Sirius wasn't exactly the yardstick to measure public tolerance or opinion on. What would Molly or Arthur think? What about Dumbledore, Minerva, Kingsley or even Moody? He would just be the older man who took advantage of the impressionable young girl in the group. All the joking about the teacher student situation had always made him uncomfortable for a reason; she was young enough for it to be the case. Surely Dumbledore would not tolerate it. It didn't matter how confident he became of himself, he had always worried so much about the rest of the world, which maybe had something to do with his initial attraction to Tonks. She definitely did not care. And now, Lupin knew it was time she did, for the sake of herself.

With a big, eye closing, dropping back into his seat, sigh, he realised his mistakes. Anger filtered out of him straight away, only to be replaced with remorse, regret and a fair share of annoyance at his own stupidity. Of course she couldn't understand if he'd never explained himself properly. He finally looked up and found the face of Sirius smiling at him expectantly, as if he knew Lupin would eventually reach this conclusion.

"I have to go back, don't I?"

"Yep," Sirius nodded.

Lupin closed his eyes again and took a deep breath, throwing his head into his hands. What he'd said, and the way he'd said it, kept playing over and over in his mind, and this time it was not spurring on anger, but tugging at his heart. He'd hurt her. The things he'd said were very harsh, so he must have wounded her. In all his effort to protect her, he'd hurt her, the very last thing he wanted. Never before had he worried more about his own actions on someone else so much. It was cutting into him like a knife, hurting him with every breath. Would he have made her cry? The image of Tonks crying almost threatened to physically harm him as it flittered into his mind. He hated himself; he hated what he'd done, even if he was right.

This was not going to be easy.

The walk to her flat was almost to the equivalence of torture. At first he had not gone straight there. He'd wandered around, thinking, wondering how to say what he wanted. A few couples were still roaming the streets, mostly teenagers, nearly eating each other's faces off. Lupin walked wherever his feet carried him, it was fitting that he ended up in front of a particular building. It was her building, where she had once taken him and showed him the skyline of London in all its glory. He'd felt cared for that night; it really was the first time he got this deluded sense of security that things could work out for them. He stared up at it, remembering how she'd kissed him as he'd complained. She'd loved him for his faults that night, which was completely peculiar, but she did it. She always laughed as he'd metaphorically dragged his feet with the two of them. Slowly it was dawning on him exactly why she was angry with him, why she'd said the things she'd said. He realised he had absolutely no reason to be mad anymore, but she did. She should have yelled at him long ago. He turned away from the building, hating how much shame and hurt it made him feel, and he started walking again, this time with purpose.

He stood outside her door for a few minutes, trying to compose himself, trying to prepare himself for the fact that she may not want him to return, that she may want to yell more or even cry. He was also preparing himself for the fact that this would be the last time he came here. He opened the door quietly and found her sitting on the couch, staring forwards, sitting so still she looked like a statue. Lupin sat down on the couch, not sitting close, as he kept expecting a refusal of his presence.

"Tonks? He asked, her silence unnerving him.

She didn't move, or speak, or do anything. This didn't feel right. But he'd come here to say his piece and he was going to do it, even if it killed him, which was highly likely by the look of her.

"Look– I– it's not that– I mean– I don't think– I'm sorry," he stuttered, the guilt and the hurt catching up again. "Only five seconds in and I'm already buggering this up."

He took it as a good sign when she glanced across sideways at him. He held her eyes as he spoke again.

"I'm sorry."

He looked away, preparing to tell her the truth even if it came at a cost.

"We're not equal Tonks," Lupin said flatly. "I don't know how to say it eloquently, but I'm not implying I am above you in any sense of the word, in fact the opposite. You are too good for me. You're perfect, and I– we're not equal."

He stared at her, waiting for a response and very suddenly something new caught up with him. This really was it. He was coming here to explain why he could no longer be with her. His heart was telling him to stop, but his mind couldn't comprehend listening to something so selfish. It hurt. It hurt more than he expected. He wanted to hold onto her until it went away, but he couldn't.

"That's ridiculous," she said darkly.

Obviously tears had not come, she was still angry.

"I promise you it's not. Don't you know the burden I carry? The burden you in turn would carry. I'm going to say this plainly so we cannot misunderstand each other. A relationship with me will only bring heartache, it will– we will, never be accepted. Look at the last meeting, the judgment that poured out of everyone onto me because of another one of my kind. I could not live with myself if I did that to you, Tonks."

"No one was judging you Remus. Everyone cared for you and worried," Tonks said, and Lupin knew this was the obliviousness most people had about it all.

"You just don't understand. It will never be a happy ending Tonks, it never can be. Not with all the prejudice," he said honestly.

"And you think I care? Do I really look like the type of girl who cares about what other people think?" Tonks said, scaring Lupin with how much she mirrored Sirius' words a few weeks prior.

"You will."

"Don't. Don't tell me what I'll feel. Because if you think I will, you don't know me well enough," she replied, sounding frustrated. "You're a werewolf. Big deal. I don't care and you need to accept that. I don't care."

"But others will."

"I'm not others," Tonks promised. "Unless you are worried about yourself. What everyone will think of you."

"No Tonks, this is about you and– "

"Are you worried what everyone will think about a middle aged werewolf kissing such a young impressionable girl?

He glanced away at the truth in her words. When she said them, they sounded pathetic. He sounded pathetic.

"My god you're a prat. Do you know that?" She asked, being serious.

"Yes." And he did.

"Can't you just see past all this werewolf bullocks? I have never in my life met a man so kind, so intelligent, so talented, so loyal, filled with such empathy and all those other things that make up an amazing human. Why are you still on about this werewolf thing?" Tonks asked exasperatedly.

"Because," Lupin sighed, "just look at this week. Greyback– "

"You're not him," Tonks interrupted again, sounding angry again.

"I know I'm not. But do you know what I would do if I were responsible for him hurting you. If I hurt you…" he trailed off, not wanting to finish a sentence so horrible. "Can't you see what my kind can do? I'm not fit for this Tonks, for us, however much I want it."

"Look, I can't change that little backwards mind of yours, but you're nothing like those men, so stop it. I can't change how little you think of yourself, and honestly, it's that quality in you that gets you out of a lot of trouble with me. But I don't know why it's changed everything with us all of a sudden. I told you I didn't care about the werewolf thing at the start, and for a while, it was perfect. It was fun and we laughed, we joked with Sirius and we didn't care. What changed? How have we gone from that, to this?"

"I don't know," Lupin sighed putting his head in his hands.

He knew he'd been pulling away from her slowly. Mentally preparing himself for the point he was at now, because it was the right thing to do, but was it really? From everything she'd said, everything Sirius had said, was he really being foolish? She loved him and he loved her, was that enough? Tonks placed her hand on his leg and he looked up at her instantly.

"We're still the same Remus. It's still there in you somewhere, in us both. But I'm at a distance all of a sudden. I don't want to carry on like this. If it means we just become friends, I'd rather have the old you back. You just have to talk to me, tell me what's going on in that big, scary, brain of yours."

It was then his heart over-powered his mind. Friends? He couldn't do it. If being friends would make her happy maybe he could, but for some reason him being with her made her happy, just like she did for him. It wasn't friendship. Suddenly. he very selfishly wanted her to be his and only his.

"I could never be just friends with you," he said sincerely

"Good."

Lupin felt the urge and didn't even think about ignoring it. He leant across straight away and kissed her. It was the feeling deep inside of him that let him know his heart had to win. He couldn't give this up now, not when she provided this level of comfort. Tonks gripped onto him and he did the same. He was going to have to prove he was in this just as much as she was, but he couldn't find any words.

"I'm trying," he breathed.

He felt so unlike himself it was terrifying. He was completely on the table in front of her, bearing his soul and, his heart, begging for forgiveness, begging for a chance. He was feeling things that could not be rationalized by logic; he was in very unknown territory. Feeling not thinking and he had never functioned that way. It was truly frightening for him to be so open with someone, but when she wrapped her arms around him, gripping onto him, the fear melted away.

"Just for the sake of our next argument– " Lupin started to say.

"We're having another now?"

"Just in case," he said firmly, glaring at her for interrupting. "I love you."

"Thank you."

Lupin sighed at her and her ways. Of course she'd say something like that.

"You're not going to make this easy are you?"

"Never. But you love me, so you'll deal with it," she laughed.

He was going to be there for her. Like he had with Bellatrix and like she was now. She saw something in him he'd never seen before, that no one really ever saw, except maybe Lily.

"We don't have to tell everyone," Tonks said softly.

"What do you mean?"

"About us."

"Tonks, if you want too, I will," he promised, absolutely terrified of doing so, but willing to do it for her.

"No, I don't want to just yet."

"Then, it will always be up to you," he told her, kissing her forehead lightly.

He glanced at the clock on her wall, it was nearly three in the morning, but sleep was the furtherest thing from his mind. He wanted to be awake and in her presence for as long as possible. So they sat on the couch, her legs over his and her head on his shoulder, his arms around her and his lips resting on her forehead. They sat like that until the sun came up, occasionally talking, but Lupin was enjoying her grip on his frame too much not to find silence anything but blissful. If he was kidding himself he could say nothing had changed, but it had. They were actually a them now, and even if that worried him slightly, he was going to push through it for her, because he loved her.

"Breakfast?" Lupin asked brightly, after hearing her stomach rumble.

"You read my mind," she said sleepily.

"No, I heard your stomach. I think the whole building did."

Tonks laughed.

"You can have a shower, or whatever you desire, and I'll get to work in the kitchen," Lupin said.

"I don't actually think there's much in there," Tonks laughed again, biting her lip.

Lupin shook his head with a smile and they both stood. He made his way in the kitchen and started going through the cupboards and fridge. She was right, there really wasn't a lot. He made do, mostly using magic, and set all the food down on her dinner table. He pulled out his wand again and said a simple charm, and a bunch of flowers came out of his wand. He placed them in a glass and then sat down with the prophet, which had been delivered while they were on the couch. Breakfast passed with some light conversation and laughs. She'd explained about the trip into Hogsmeade and Lupin felt somewhat bad knowing Harry had had a miserable Valentines Day. Lupin had a shower after breakfast and walked out into her bedroom to use some cleaning spells on his clothes from the evening before. He was just about to cast the charm when something in her cupboard caught his eye.

He moved across very quickly into her wardrobe. A very familiar looking jumper sat neatly folded on one of the shelves. A picture of Tonks and himself from thier Christmas party sat on top of that. He studied the picture, both of them looked very happy. Lupin was looking at her through the corners of his eyes as she laughed. It was obviously from one of her muggle relatives as the pair weren't moving, but it seemed to capture a perfect moment in time. They were happy and joking, this much have been the part she had said he'd been missing of late. He smiled at the photo, it made him feel warm inside to remember a time like that. It made him want more. His eyes turned back to the jumper as he put the photo down, wanting to take it but knowing he shouldn't. The jumper was his, but he had no idea where she'd gotten it from. With just a towel around his waist, he walked out in her living room, the jumper in his hands.

"Tonks?" he asked, waiting for her to appear.

She came in from her small balcony. She smirked at him and his nearly naked frame.

"Can I ask how you got this?"

She looked away from him, embarrassed. It was such a rare sight to find her embarrassed that it made him smile.

"Well I burrowed it the night after– on Christmas morning. I'm sorry I kept it so long, I just really loved it. Made me think of you," she added in a small voice.

Lupin looked back down at the jumper he'd been searching for the last few weeks. He really did love this jumper, it was always his favorite for absolutely no reason other than it was warmer than most. He looked back at Tonks who was looking at it longingly.

"You can have it back," She said sadly.

"No. You keep it."

Lupin smiled at her and she grinned. Her eyes moved to him and suddenly she was looking at him just as longingly as she was with the jumper. She took a few steps towards to him.

"Remus, are you wearing anything underneath that towel?"

She took a few more steps closer.

"Tonks, I've had a shower, of course I'm just in a towel," Lupin explained.

"So that's a no?"

Lupin's hand flew to his towel and held it with a very firm grip. She continued grinning at him and raised her eyebrows suggestively, she was about three feet away when Lupin started backing away from her.

"Tonks, no. I've just had a shower," he pleaded, trying to sound stern but it wasn't convincing when he wasn't trying to be.

She kept walking towards him and he kept walking backwards. His legs hit something, and the last thing he heard as he fell onto the bed was her laugh, and then her mouth met his, rearranging his entire world.

To be continued…