Heart and Soul — XXXVI
"Something wrong, Nanao?"
The soul jumped a mile, craning her head up to look at Summer, who was standing over her. "No," Nanao murmured, looking down at the ground again and closing her eyes. "Where's Hisana? She's been attached to you ever since Kurosaki-kun left."
"She's still asleep," Summer sighed as she sat down as well, leaning against the wall next to Nanao. "I was just taking a walk, trying to clear my head. So what are you doing awake?"
Summer had thought it would be too early for anyone other than herself to be awake. "Same reason as you, I suppose," Nanao answered after a moment. "I couldn't sleep. Too much to think about."
Well she certainly wasn't wrong on that count. "What are you thinking about?"
"This and that," the answer was cryptic and a bit annoying. Summer sighed, rubbing her eyes tiredly. "There's been a lot to think about lately."
"That's an understatement," Summer responded, leaning her head back and closing her eyes. "Hey Nanao—"
She shifted her gaze to look at the soul, surprised to see that she was cringing, one hand reaching up and gripping her head. "What's wrong?" Summer asked at once, leaning towards Nanao. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she muttered distantly. "Just…my head hurts."
"Maybe you've been thinking too hard," Summer joked weakly. Nanao's responding smile was equally weak.
"That's generally the case, isn't it?"
When it comes to you guys, yeah, it is, Rukia scoffed. Honestly, causing yourselves so much pain over absolutely nothing…
It's only nothing to you.
Me and every other sane person in this cave.
There are sane people in this cave? Please, introduce me to them, Rukia laughed despite herself.
Okay, I'll give you that one. That was actually pretty good.
Guess you've become a bad influence on me.
"So what were you trying to ask before, Summer?" Nanao interrupted the internal conversation.
"Oh, right. I was just…wondering…do you think it'd ever be possible for…for souls and humans to live together?" Nanao turned to look at Summer, surprise evident in her eyes.
"Oh brother," she sighed, rubbing her head. "Which one of them have you been talking to, Jyuushirou or Shunsui?"
"Neither, actually," Summer confessed. "I was just…thinking about something Hisana asked me the other day."
"Hisana?" Nanao repeated in disbelief. "You're having philosophical discussions with a three year old, Summer?"
"Not…exactly," Summer sighed. "It's just…like I said, she asked me something, and it's stuck with me, that's all. She was asking me questions that I couldn't answer, and I hated that I couldn't say anything to make her feel better."
"That's usually how it works with Hisana," Nanao agreed with a sigh. "She's so little, so young, so innocent, and all you want to do is hold her and say anything and everything to make her feel better…but you never can. And it kills you even more because these aren't things she shouldn't have to deal with. She's just a little girl. She doesn't deserve this kind of pain."
Wow, déjà vu. Didn't you just say something like this the other day?
You are not helping, Rukia.
Don't worry; I'm not trying to.
"I can always tell when you and Rukia-san are talking," Nanao said quietly. She was watching Summer intently, her eyes shining with a sort of mute curiosity. "You always focus so intently on the conversation, your eyes just wander away. I always wonder what you guys are talking about, you seem to take it so seriously…"
"Well one of us has to," Summer sighed. "And she certainly never does." Nanao nodded silently, looking away again. "So you never answered my question, you know. Do you think souls and humans could ever live together?"
"Honestly, Summer? No. Not as long as there are Seekers. Those are always going to be the obstacle, unfortunately. Maybe every now and now and then you'll find a few stray souls who decide to defect, who somehow find their way to the humans—"
"Like us."
"Like us," Nanao agreed. "But the majority will always outweigh us few. There will always be more souls that are afraid of humans than the ones who are willing to give them a chance."
Summer sighed, resting her forehead against her knees. She hadn't really expected that talking to Nanao would be of any use. They were the same, after all. The only thing Nanao could really do was feed Summer's guilt.
Yeah, but you don't seem to mind that too much, Rukia pointed out. You're constantly beating yourself up anyways, so why not find someone else to feed the pain too? In the end, you're really just a masochist.
Have I mentioned you are not helping?
I'm just calling it as I see it, you know. As long as you keep thinking about this, it's going to keep getting to you. Eventually it's just going to drive you crazy.
Only if you don't succeed in doing that first.
"Mac 'n' cheese!" Hisana grinned as Momo set a bowl of the steaming, cheesy pasta down on the table in front her. "Thanks Momo-san!"
"My pleasure, Hisa-chan," Momo smiled, ruffling Hisana's raven hair fondly. The girl had wandered in about half an hour earlier, complaining that Summer had fallen asleep, and she was hungry.
"Hey Momo-san, how long do you think Summer is going to sleep for?" Momo wasn't quite sure how to answer that. If the whispers she'd heard much, much earlier that morning were any indication, she very much doubted that Summer would be waking up any time soon. She was probably exhausted.
"All right, Hisa-chan, dig in," Momo said as she plopped down next to Hisana with her own bowl of food. That was the invitation Hisana needed to start eating.
"Yum!"
Hinamori smiled as she began eating as well. Hisana could be so easy to please sometimes…
It had been almost a week since Ichigo and the others had left on their raid. It had taken awhile, but eventually Hisana had found it in herself to stop worrying and start smiling again. She was pretty much attached to Summer now though; it was a pretty rare occurrence to see one without the other.
"Hey Momo-san?"
"What's up, Hisa-chan?"
"How long do you think it'll be until Daddy comes back?" Hinamori sighed as she took another spoonful of macaroni, eating slowly and deliberately to prevent having to answer.
"Probably a while still, Hisa-chan. He only just left you know, and raids take awhile."
"Why do they take so long?"
"Well…because Daddy has to be really, really careful, so he won't get caught."
"But…when Momma and Daddy went on raids together, they always took awhile, so that means they were being really careful, but Momma still got caught." Hinamori cringed. Why was Hisana so perceptive? And no matter what she said, the result would be the same: either she said that Rukia had gotten careless for a moment, or she said that sometimes being too careful wasn't enough. Neither of those would be reassuring to the poor little girl.
"You just have to believe in your father, Hisa-chan." She finally settled for staying. "He's going to come back, baby girl. He would never leave you alone."
Hisana continued eating her macaroni without answering. Hinamori sighed inwardly, rubbing her eyes. Answering Hisana's questions was hard. She was just too smart for age. Sometimes Hinamori didn't know what she was doing.
Good morning sleepy-head, Rukia quipped as Summer's mind returned to consciousness. The soul groaned, opening her eyes and looking around.
Where's Hisana?
You're asking me? Rukia demanded. I only see what you see, and for the last however many hours, all you've seen is the inside of our eyelids.
I can't help it, I was tired.
That's what happens when you stay up until all hours of the night worrying about nothing. Come on, lets go see what Hisana is up to.
Summer sighed as she rubbed her eyes and crawled off the bed, heading for the door. Her best guess was that Hisana had gone to find something to make her something to eat. She was a kid, after all; and kids did have to eat…
Sure enough, there were Hisana and Hinamori, sitting in the eating area, empty bowls in front of them, talking and laughing. Summer leaned against the edge of the entrance, listening to Hisana's laugh. Rukia was cherishing in the sound of it.
"Daddy stop! Stop!" Hisana shrieks, kicking her legs and screeching with laughter. Ichigo was laughing too hard to answer, and instead just settled for continuing to tickle Hisana's stomach and sides. "Momma heeeeelp!"
But I'm laughing too, practically falling off the bed, and completely useless to the tiny girl.
"Mommaaaaa, Daddeeeee!" Is all Hisana can manage to say through her laughter. Even as I'm laughing, I take a minute to relish in the sound of my baby girl's laughter. It's such a carefree, innocent sound. I can't believe such a thing could possibly exist in this world.
And I'm grateful that it does.
"Summer!" Hisana's voice broke Summer's reverie. The little girl jumped up, running over to Summer and wrapping her arms around the soul's waist. "Did you have a good nap?"
"Yes, I did," Summer tried to smile as she patted Hisana's head; it felt more like a grimace. "Sorry about falling asleep on you like that."
"It's fine!" Hisana chirped happily. "Momo-san made me mac 'n' cheese, I bet there's still some left if you want it, it's probably cold by now though…"
"That's fine, I'm not hungry anyways." Hisana's amber eyes sparkled as she looked up at Summer, smiling widely. Summer looked down into those large, innocent eyes…and hated herself more than ever.
I wish there was a way for me to fix this.
Can't fix what isn't broken.
Summer ignored Rukia.
Summer sighed quietly as she pushed a loose strand of hair out of Hisana's eyes. The girl stirred, but stayed asleep, nestling into Summer's side, her head coming to a rest against Summer's thigh. She looked so tiny in sleep, so carefree, so innocent. Summer wished she could do something…anything…to keep it that way. She wanted to protect Hisana from the cruel workings of the world.
She just didn't know how.
Have I mentioned you worry too much?
Summer narrowed her eyes at the wall in front of her. What's with you lately? You're acting like you're…okay with all this. What happened to wanting your body back?
Well of course I want my body back, Rukia answered casually. But I'm back here, with Ichigo and Hisana and everybody that I care about. I'm in a place where I can't do any damage anymore. No one's going to be hurt by my memories. That's all I ever cared about.
So now you don't care if you die without ever being free?
Rukia didn't say anything for a minute. I can live with it either way, she said finally. I know I'd…like to have my body back…but as long as I'm here, and I'm with them, it doesn't matter if it's me in control of the body or not. As long as I can see them every day, as long as I can watch Hisana grow up…I don't care what happens. As long as I'm here.
I don't understand you.
I'm pretty sure you're not meant to.
Summer sighed, closing her eyes. If she could have had one wish in her lifetime, it would have been to understand the voice that shared her head.
I don't think I want to do this anymore.
Do what? Rukia asked curiously, momentarily side-tracked from her own thoughts. Summer didn't answer, and instead focused on trying to clear her mind, to let sleep carry her away.
"Carefully, now…do you feel the limbs there, just run your finger along those, that's it…"
I do as I'm told, then pull my hand back as the soul begins to squirm and retract, pulling out of the body of the old man. I cup my hand around the base of the neck, letting the soul crawl out onto my hand.
"Very good Never-Ending Summer, very good…here, place it in the cryo-tank…"
I hold my hand out, sliding the soul into the tank. Even bitter, bitter Rukia can not deny the beauty of a soul. But she's silent right now, sulking in the back of my mind. She doesn't care about this…
Summer's eyes snapped open. Such an old memory, from the beginning of her time on Earth. She'd completely forgotten about it. And clearly Rukia had to.
What makes you so sure I forgot? Rukia demanded, sounding insulted.
Because if you hadn't, Summer said slowly, sitting up and rubbing her eyes, you would have already realized what it means.
What it…means? Rukia repeated in disbelief. What are you going on about, Summer?
You don't see it?
Obviously not.
Summer sighed silently. In all honesty, she couldn't believe she hadn't thought of this sooner. It was the answer to all their problems. It was the only way she could set everything right.
Hey, clue me in here, Summer. What's going on?
Summer didn't answer for a minute. All souls…know how to do it. Every soul that's ever been born knows how to take a soul out of a host body.
So?
How could she still not understand? I could do it. I'll need help, but…I can do it.
Do what, Summer? Rukia demanded angrily. What are you going to do?
Summer was glad they weren't speaking out-loud; she felt as if her throat had closed up. She was sure she wouldn't have been able to utter even a single word.
I'm going to give you your body back.
Author's Note: So one more chapter, and then the epilogue. As painful as it is, this story is coming to a close. Insanity. Anyways, don't get any ideas; this is not going to be like The Host. Not at all. (Warning: shameless guilt trip in immediate future) So I stayed up until almost four in the morning to write this. It wouldn't be too much to ask that you take four minutes to review, would it? This chapter was insanely hard to write, it's not completely ridiculous of me to want a few reviews telling me I didn't completely screw it up, is it? So…review please? Please? — Sam PS: the next chapter is already written. More reviews I get, the faster that one goes up. Just pointing that out :-)