I tear through my bedroom in a mad panic
I tear through my bedroom in a mad panic. I pull the pink and white-striped comforter from the bed and shake it out. Then I do the same with the sheets and the pillows. I shake them and shaken them and nothing falls to the floor. I drop to my knees. I crawl around the bed, hands sweeping over the cream carpeting, searching blindly beneath the bed, wildly all around, in every nook and dark corner. I search and search and come up empty handed.
"No, no, no!" I wail, thrusting my arms far beneath the bed, reaching out and grasping nothing. "Dawn!" I shout.
Dawn races through the bathroom into my bedroom. Her hair is damp and stringy, falling down her back against the oversized t-shirt. "What's wrong?" she cries, halting in the doorway.
"My ring! I've lost my garnet ring!"
"Oh, no!" Dawn exclaims and runs to the vanity, where I've left my hairbrush and barrettes. She starts moving things aside. "Where did you have it last?"
"I put it on before we went down to the beach," I answer, still on the floor, still on all fours. I don't remember anything more. I put on the ring and forgot it.
"You wore it to the beach?" Dawn replies. "Grace, why would you do that?"
"I don't know! I wasn't thinking!"
And I wasn't. Obviously. I just slid the ring on. I didn't think about it. It didn't occur to me not to wear it. I've been wearing it every day. I wear it all the time. It's like slipping on my shoes, it's like buttoning my shirt. Of course, I shouldn't have worn it. Of course, I am so foolish.
Dawn and I flip over the mattress. We push the furniture away from the walls. We destroy the room. And we get nothing for it.
"It isn't here!" I wail. "My mother's going to kill me!"
"We'll find it. We'll find it," Dawn assures me. "It's probably…Grace, it's probably in the pool."
I look up from where I'm crouched beneath the vanity. The pool! It's probably been sucked into the filtration system. I'll never get it back. I almost cry, but I won't cry in front of Dawn. How could I be so stupid? How could I carelessly lose what my mother's given to me? I'm so dumb.
I try not to let the panic show when I charge into Emily and Stacey's room. Both have towels wrapped around their heads, both are in nothing but t-shirts and underwear. They're surprised when I barge in, still in my swimsuit, Dawn trailing behind me.
"I lost my ring!" My voice rises shrilly, unexpectedly.
"What ring?" asks Stacey.
"My mother's garnet ring!"
Emily gasps, but Stacey still looks perplexed.
"My mother gave me a garnet ring," I explain to her. "She got it from my grandmother. I lost it. I was wearing it when we went down to the beach and now it's gone!"
"Grace! You wore it to the beach!" Emily cries.
"Oh, Grace," Stacey moans.
It's like I don't already know I'm a fool.
"I think it slipped off in the pool," Dawn speaks up behind me.
Stacey nods. "That's it, Grace," she says, pulling on a pair of shorts. "We'll find it."
We run downstairs and luckily don't encounter my parents. Stacey stays behind in the kitchen, searching the floor around the table. Dawn takes off to the beach, while Emily and I climb the stairs to the swimming pool. We stand silently at the edge of the deep end, peering down into the clear, undisturbed water. I stare at the drain, where the ring would likely tumble, but it isn't there. We walk around the pool perimeter, slowly, staring down into the water. We don't see it. We don't see my ring.
We crawl around the deck, Emily and I, on our hands and knees. We're so intent on our purpose that we don't hear my mother's footsteps, not until she says, "What on earth are you girls doing?"
Emily and I raise our faces toward my mother. She towers over us, tall and imposing, shielding her eyes to stare at us.
My throat closes. I choke on the truth. It refuses to surface. Instead, I stare back at Mom as she stares down at me and Emily, on our hands and knees around the chaises.
"Emily…Emily lost a pearl earring," I lie.
Emily shoots me a look.
"Emily," Mom says, "both your earrings are in your ears."
Instinctively, Emily touches her earlobes. "Oh…" she says, drawing it out. "These…these are my back up pearls."
"We think she lost it in the pool," I tell Mom.
"All right," Mom says. "I'll have Hal come out and check the filter and the skimmer. If we don't find it, will it be easy to replace? Is it a real pearl?"
"It has sentimental value," I answer.
"I'll have Hal come right out then," Mom says and turns and walks back toward the house.
"I can't believe you made me lie to your mom!" Emily hisses. "Why didn't you tell her the truth?"
Because she didn't want me to have the ring in the first place.
I turn away from Emily without answering. Dad comes out and pulls the skimmer from the water by its long white hose. Mom follows him outside and starts looking around the chaise lounges. I hover behind Dad but he doesn't find anything. A knot forms in my throat and pulls down into my chest. I look across the swimming pool at Mom, where she stands near the railing, searching for an earring that's not really lost. I'm sorry I ever asked for the ring.
I wonder what's taken Stacey so long in the kitchen until she and Dawn appear on the deck with sandy feet. They've been down on the beach together. They didn't find anything. How could they? Mom pats Emily's back and apologizes, but that we must make our dinner reservations. We can look again in the morning.
Deep down, in the pit of my stomach, I know it's useless. I lost the ring and it is gone.
I'm quiet during the drive into the village. Mom and Dad take us to an upscale steakhouse called Banjo Joe's. It came highly recommended by Fiona Fee herself. The wait for a table spills out onto the sidewalk. The patio is packed with loud and drunken vacationers. We've barely made our seven-thirty reservation. The hostess leads us to a table at the center of the restaurant. Mom sits next to me and usually, I'd be secretly thrilled, but tonight, I don't want her near. I don't want to smell her perfume or hear her laugh or feel her arm when it brushes against mine. I don't want any reminder of her and what I've done.
My parents order red wine and I wish they wouldn't. My friends don't pay attention, studying their menus closely. I stare down at mine, but the sick feeling in my stomach tells me I won't be eating much tonight. The waiter brings our drink order, then flips open his pad and waits for us to begin. Mom and Dad order the filet mignon medium-well. I echo their order because nothing sounds very good anyway. Dawn orders the seasonal vegetable platter with melted cheese. Stacey and Emily debate with each other for a while before Stacey settles on the grilled chicken and Emily on the barbecue chicken.
Everyone else carries on the conversation so I don't have to. I pick at my dinner salad when it arrives and don't eat much more of my filet mignon. Everyone else cleans their plates. My friends look at me sympathetically when Mom asks if I feel all right.
I feel so bad that I don't even remember to count Mom's glasses of wine.
"I think you need some fresh night air," Mom tells me when we leave the restaurant. It's a beautiful and warm Hamptons evening. "Why don't you girls take a walk?" she suggests.
"Sure," I agree just to agree with her.
"Stay on Main Street. We'll wait on the patio."
"Thanks, Mrs. Blume," says Stacey, slipping an arm through mine and steering me down the street. We can barely fit onto the street with Dawn and Emily at our sides. All the boutiques are closed and not many people are out on the street. The fresh air feels good. We walk until we reach the village library, pitch dark on the inside, and sit on the steps. The street lamps bathe us in their light.
"Is your mom going to be mad?" Dawn asks me.
I shrug. I don't know. Mom didn't want me to have the ring, not at first. But she changed her mind. But is it truly mine? She never said. I think it is still her ring. She's not fully given it to me. But will she ever ask for it back? Does she actually want it? It's been buried for years, somewhere, not in her jewelry chest. I'd never seen it until it became mine. Maybe it means nothing to her.
"Is it really a big deal?" asks Stacey. "I mean, not to be rude or anything, but can't she buy you a new ring? Your parents can afford it, right?"
"Gee, Stacey," replies Dawn.
I watch Stacey blush in the lamplight.
"I don't think that's the point, Stace," Emily says, diplomatically.
"It's okay," I tell them because normally, I'd just expect my mom to replace a lost piece of jewelry. "My grandmother gave my mother the ring a long time ago. Mom can't just replace it."
"Don't they not get along? Maybe your mom won't care," suggests Emily. "Maybe she's not that sentimental about it."
"Maybe."
"I can't see your mom getting that mad," Stacey says, meaning to be helpful. She doesn't even know my mother.
"It was only an accident," Dawn points out.
"Everyone makes mistakes," Emily agrees.
I pretend that they've convinced me. I'm not convinced of anything. But I don't want to ruin the night, the vacation. I cheer up, on the outside, and fake a new mood. My friends are pleased. We walk back down to the restaurant, where my parents wait on the patio, downing cocktails. I hope Dad's careful.
Back at the house, Dawn and Stacey decide to take a nighttime swim. Stacey and I change into our swimsuits from earlier, but Dawn appears on the deck in a black and blue plaid bikini. Emily stays in her clothes and lounges on a chaise. I join her while Stacey and Dawn jump into the swimming pool. The pool light and deck lights are all ablaze. The pool water glows all around Stacey and Dawn. Beyond the beach house, other lights dot the cliffs. Behind me, the ocean crashes in waves. I close my eyes and listen.
Listening to the crashing waves and to Stacey and Dawn moving through the water, I calm in my mind. I know what I must do. I must tell my mother. Once, my mother promised she'd never lie to me. I promised the same. I haven't kept that promise. I've misled her and kept things from her. I will tell her the truth about this. This is my fault and I am to blame.
I dive into the deep end. I do not hide there.
We don't shower after our swim, but pin our hair up to dry and change into our pajamas. It's late. I'm tired from all the sun and swimming and from the weight of knowing what I must do. Stacey looks tired, too, sagging slightly in her crisp new pajamas, little white shorts with pink flowers and a pink-striped tank top, which she probably bought with a weekend of hot nights in the city with her father and stepmother in mind. Stacey stifles a yawn, but Dawn and Emily are bright-eyed and alert, the long day yet to take its toll on them. We're sitting in the violet room, Dawn's room, playing the Dream Phone someone left in a cabinet downstairs. Dawn and Emily found it stacked beneath boxes of other board games. It was the only one with all the pieces still intact. I've figured out my secret admirer isn't at the mall and isn't wearing a jacket when I excuse myself to go downstairs.
"Yeah, okay, but we aren't waiting for you," Dawn tells me. She's wearing an oversize t-shirt from the Winchester Mystery House and taking the game much too seriously. "I'm winning."
"Oh, you are not," gripes Stacey, punching a number into the phone.
I leave the room. I can't worry about them now. I'm halfway down the hallway when I hear Emily shriek, "It's Jamal!" So much for Dawn winning.
I find Mom in the kitchen. She's standing at the counter holding a glass of water. She pops a pill into her mouth and washes it down with the water.
"Isn't it a little late to be taking your pills?" I ask her.
"It's just a sleeping pill. You know I don't sleep well in strange places," Mom replies, returning the water pitcher to the refrigerator. She goes to the sink and dumps out her glass, then puts it in the dishwasher. "Aren't I supposed to be the mother?" she asks.
"Yes, I know. I just – nevermind." Mom doesn't like when I nag and worry over her. "Where's Dad?"
"Already in bed. He can sleep anywhere," Mom answers. She wets a paper towel and begins wiping down the counter. Mom never cleans up after herself at home. She leaves that to me and Marta. But we are in Fiona Fee's house now.
"That's right. Can I have one of your sleeping pills?"
"You're too young for sleeping pills. That's not a habit you want to start," Mom replies, throwing away the paper towel. She turns to me. "Those pajamas are so cute on you, Grace," she says and I glance down at the new pajamas she brought me from work. They're purple capri pants in a tight heart pattern with a fitted purple tee. They'll be in the next Fiona Fee catalogue, but no one else has them now. Mom likes when I wear the things she brings me. "I'm going to get ready for bed, too," Mom says. She's still in her jeans and polo shirt. "I hope you girls don't plan to stay up till all hours."
"Of course not," I respond and almost lose my nerve. We're being so normal, just like I always want, and I'm about to ruin it. "Mom? Can I tell you something?"
"Certainly," Mom answers, looking interestedly at me. I have her complete attention. Maybe I could wait until we're back in Stoneybrook. "Is everything all right, Grace? You weren't acting like yourself at dinner."
"That's because…I have to confess something, Mom. I'm really sorry…" I pause. Mom watches me with more than interest. Concern crosses her eyes and I am so sorry. "This afternoon, I wore your garnet ring, the one Gran gave you. I wore it to the beach and into the swimming pool. And I lost it. We've looked all over for it. That's what Emily and I were looking for on the deck. She didn't lose an earring. Stacey and Dawn looked down on the beach and we looked all over my room. We can't find it. I'm sorry, Mom, I really am."
"What do you mean you lost it?" Mom asks. All the color has drained from her face.
"I mean…I lost it. It's gone," I say, unsurely. "I'm so sorry, Mom."
Mom puts her hand to her throat, staring at me. The color slowly returns to her face. It darkens, the skin turning red. "You lost it," she whispers. Her voice grows. "You lost it?"
"Yes."
Mom stares hard, her green eyes flashing angrily. "You lost it?" she repeats, loudly. "Grace, how could you be so stupid? Who wears a garnet ring to the beach?" Mom demands.
"I'm sorry!" I cry, flustered. I wasn't expecting this kind of anger. "I'm sorry! It was an accident! I made a mistake!"
"You're always having accidents," Mom snaps. "You're not a stupid girl, Grace, so why do you do such stupid things? You don't think. Ever!"
"That's not fair!" I protest.
"You wore it to the beach?" Mom roars. Mom pounds her fist against her chest. "I never wore it to the beach!" Mom shouts. She thrusts her arm into the air, pointing a finger skyward. "Your friends upstairs wouldn't wear it to the beach! Or in the pool! When I wore that ring, I didn't do careless things with it. I took care of it. I treated it like something special and I expected you to do the same. I should have known. I should have known that you'd be dumb about it."
"I'm not dumb!"
"I know you're not, which makes it even worse. Christ, Grace, why don't you ever use your brain?"
My rage quickly grows to match my mother's. I've apologized. I did the adult thing. I admitted my error. But I'm not so sorry anymore. "I never saw you wear that ring!" I snap back at her.
"Oh, you don't know anything!"
"I know that you don't even like Gran! You hate her! You've never said one nice thing about her, not my entire life. And she's never said anything nice about you either. You can't stand for me to talk about her. You probably wish she were dead. So, why do you even care about that ring? You have lots of other rings and jewelry that cost much more. Just buy another garnet ring. What do you care?"
My mother's face is now so red it rivals the shade of her hair. I bet I am her mirror. Mom stares at me, those green eyes furious.
"Because it's the only thing my mother ever gave me that she didn't have to!" Mom shouts at me. She storms past, out the door, out of the kitchen. Her feet thunder up the stairs. A door slams in the distance.
I stand rooted to my spot in the kitchen. I wait for her to come back, knowing she won't. And suddenly, I am sorry all over again.