Chapter 38

"Edward, I think you killed your mother," Carlisle stepped over Esme and handed me a wine bottle. "Isabella, this is a Pinot Noir from the Burgundy region. How about we crack this open, my dear."

I think I loved Carlisle Cullen. Not as much as my Edward, but his dad was making me have all the warm fuzzies.

My dad looked over at Esme. "You think we should pick her up, Carl?"

"She'll be fine, Charlie." Carlisle sat next to my father and waved at Billy. "Nice to see you, Billy."

"I brought that article about that native art gallery I was telling you about," Billy went to grab a newspaper clipping from his jacket.

Edward was in the middle of opening the bottle of wine. He was pulling out the cork, when he must of realized the conversation his dad was having with Billy. He fumbled with the bottle and some of the red elixir sloshed onto the counter. He didn't even attempt to clean it up. "Dad?"

"Oh yes. I met up with Charlie and Billy for drinks the other night. We thought the best way to support you two was to get to know each other. I haven't had that much fun since I was in high school." Carlisle smiled. A real smile. "Your mother wasn't invited."

I snorted. Of course, she wasn't.

I started pouring the wine into tumblers. "Was it that gay bar on South Street? Dad, did all those bears try to pick up Mr. Cullen? They are pretty aggressive..."

"We went to McGrady's," my dad huffed.

"Oh the gay sport's bar! Cool!" I started passing out drinks.

Edward was finally cleaning his spill with his basket of twenty cleaners. "You know we have wine glasses, right?"

"I just thought we needed a container that holds more. More drunky makes more happy." I chugged to prove my point. I sputtered due to it being a terrible idea to chug wine.

"Call me Carl, Bella dear. That was a gay bar?" Carlisle looked contemplative as he sipped his wine. "Everyone was really gracious and kind. I even helped a poor man! I had to give him an exam in the bathroom."

Edward sputtered, "Dad! You didn't!"

Oh God! Carlisle gave some random man a prostate exam!

"Dad!" Edward was turning pale as a ghost.

Carlisle looked confused by Edward's reaction. "Son, as a physician I have taken the Hippocratic Oath. The man said he had a lump in a sensitive area. I accompanied him to the lavatory and after a through cleaning using the soap of the wall, used some paper towels to. . ."

Edward turned green. "It was a filthy bathroom in a bar! You can't even fathom the germs that inhabit those places!"

Of course, I thought this was hysterical.

"Edward, we got him out of there in time," my dad stated, sitting on the couch. He pointed to Esme. "I think we should move her."

Carlisle chuckled. "No. She looks comfortable."

Esme Cullen was laying on Edward's floor twisted up like a pretzel. Her once conservative tweed skirt had rode up so her granny panties were showing. It wasn't the most pleasant view. It also begs the question of why she was wearing tweed in summer? That wasn't the smartest idea.

I suggested, "Maybe we should stick a pillow under head?"

"God no! She'll wake up!" Carlisle looked frightened. He was scared of her! Makes oodles of sense.

Edward ignored his mother and started pacing. "Did it even look like they cleaned the place?"

"I didn't notice." Carlisle took another drink. "We should go back, Gentlemen! It was a great night."

"You have botulism!" Edward grabbed a spray and started spritzing it on his father. "You need to be clean!"

Carlisle pulled the spray bottle out of Edward's hand. He then patted his back. "Deep breaths, son. I am perfectly healthy! That man, however, had a rash that should be looked at by his regular physician."

My man recoiled in horror.

"I apologize Bella. I don't know how he got this way." Carlisle gave a long suffering sigh.

"You." Was he delusional.

He looked embarrassed. Good. "You have a point there."

Edward was scrubbing his hands and making them raw. I kissed his neck.

"Crazy, we've had sex in dirtier places and you didn't complain. Remember the recycling center? There was that janitor's closet and..."

"Jesus, Bella!" My dad yelled, covering his ears.

It gave me the giggles!

Edward just looked embarrassed like his father.

All of a sudden, Carlisle pointed to Edward. "I like that look! You look comfortable!"

He gave a quick glance at Esme who gave a very unladylike snore. Then proceeded to take off his tan coat, dark tie and button-down. A whistle escaped Billy, as Carlisle stood in his undershirt. My father glared at Billy, but I had to agree that Edward got his looks from Daddy Carl.

With Esme curled on the floor, this was becoming the best dinner ever.

Until the doorbell rang and the slug barreled in. He tripped on Esme. "There's a dead woman on your floor, Popsicle! Did you kill her with your annoying pep?"

Jacob Black!

"Go away, slug." I hit him with my rubber band. Never leave home without them!

"God damn, Swan! Can you please control your woman, nerd!" Jacob rubbed his forehead.

"Boy..." My dad got up with his angry look. I was hoping Dad would give Slug a spanking.

Jacob plopped down in a chair and stuck his dirty work boots on Edward's coffee table. His AC/DC tee-shirt was covered in dust.

Edward was having a panic attack.

"Jacob, why are you here? I told you that unless you could accept my life choice than. . ." Billy started to say.

"Dad, I'm here to make peace with Popsicle." He burped. What a classy guy. "My queer dad is marrying your queer dad, so I think we should make-out and make up. We are going to be family after all."

"You are so warped. Like that tiny little penis of yours," I pointed out.

Jacob looked pissed. Edward looked disgusted. Billy and Charlie looked nauseous. And Carlisle. . .

"That's why you call him the slug!" He cackled and poured more wine. It was a drunk Carl! Brilliant!

Jacob growled like a dog. That is so odd! He might look like a rangy mutt, but he was a person.

"Use your words!" I stated. "You're brain is about the size of your penis. Which is to say like the size of a peanut."

"You definitely don't take after your father, Jake!" Charlie exclaimed.

"Dad!"

Edward grabbed me by the waist. "None of you have filters!"

Not a bit.

Jacob started yelling at everybody and Billy yelled back. Edward helped me put the food on the table, as my dad and Carlisle started singing bad renditions of old sea shanties. It was fun!

Esme slowly woke up. "Are they still getting married?"

Carlisle held up his wine tumbler. "Babe, this wedding is going to rock!"

She fainted again.

"This is bedlam," Edward said with wide eyes.

I couldn't help grinning. "Welcome to the family!"