Ch 37
The mood amongst the team the following morning was solemn. There was little for JJ to do except tidy her files and hand off any cases that weren't yet completed. She could feel a pair of eyes on her as she left her office and crossed the bullpen, and for once it wasn't Emily. Without speaking, she walked to Reid's desk and squeezed his shoulder. He looked away and busied himself again with one of his case files.
With a sick feeling in her stomach, JJ returned to her own desk. She sat down and closed her eyes, trying to fight the feeling that everything was spiralling out of control. It was one thing that she was being hurt by Will's actions, and even just about understandable that Emily was being affected given her level of involvement, but the team? The people that she thought of as family? The ripple effect meant that they were all suffering too. Her chest tightened at the thought of the injustice of it all, and continued to fuel the growing hatred for her ex that was building inside her.
"Hey"
The soft voice caused her to open her eyes. Relief washed over her as she looked up at Emily, who was hovering in the doorway looking back at her with concern.
"Hi" she forced a smile.
"How you holding up?"
"I'm ok"
Emily raised an eyebrow disbelievingly.
"Ok...this whole thing sucks and I feel like I'm about to explode"
The brunette sighed and approached the desk "You want to talk?"
JJ shook her head "No...I'm sorry, I just need to compartmentalise for now to get through the day. If I start letting this out, I don't think I'll make it to the end of the day"
"I understand, believe me" Emily squeezed her arm "You know where I am"
"Always"
Emily returned to her desk, meeting Morgan's gaze as she sat back down. He raised an eyebrow, silently asking about JJ's state of mind. The brunette could only shrug by way of answer.
It was safe to say that very little work got done in the BAU that day. A tearful Garcia insisted on taking JJ for lunch, and JJ also made certain to spend some one on one time with Reid, even if he would barely say two words to her. She tried not to take it as an insult, but rather just his way of coping with any kind of emotional stress.
As the end of the day approached, JJ's stomach was churning. She wanted any excuse to prolong her time there, but it wasn't to be. Looking out through her open door at Emily, who was still intently reading a file, she felt the nerves creeping in. They still hadn't really discussed living arrangements, and JJ felt like she was losing grip on everything in her life. Days ago, she was in control of everything. But taking the ultimate control over her life and leaving a man that she didn't love seemed to have had the opposite effect to what she had anticipated. Everything that made her feel safe was being taken away from her, and it meant that she was constantly battling against self doubt. Emily had become her stability, but even then she was struggling to trust that that everything was going to be ok.
"Jayje?"
Morgan appeared in the doorway, effectively blocking her view of Emily, and she was grateful for the interruption from her own thoughts.
"Hey Derek" she smiled up at him genuinely.
"You think I could buy you a drink when we head out of here?"
"I'd really like that"
"You wanna invite the others?"
JJ bit her lip, considering her options "I'm not sure I can handle such a big goodbye...if that's ok?"
"Sure thing baby girl, I got you. Just...make sure you give everyone the chance to say goodbye. Hard as it might be right now, dealing with their angry asses if you sneak out the back door will be a hell of a lot harder"
The blonde laughed "I will, I promise. Did you not see Penelope after lunch?"
"I did..." Morgan paused, recalling the tear stained cheeks of the usually chirpy tech goddess "I guess you already started the rounds, huh?"
"Yeah...maybe I should carry on before I lose my nerve completely"
Morgan patted her shoulder supportively "I'll see you in an hour"
She decided to go for Rossi next. As far as the rest of the team went, he seemed like a safer option. He was rational, not prone to overt displays of emotion, and understood the way the world worked. Unlike Reid or Garcia, he wouldn't be questioning why she was leaving him and what he could do to fix it.
Still, ten minutes later she left Rossi's office fighting back tears. She hadn't counted on his worldliness meaning a greater awareness of the challenges she likely faced in her new employment. His pointed final advice to "Be safe" as he squeezed her hand had affected her deeply. He was a man who had seen conflict, had seen horrors beyond even those that the team saw on a regular basis. He knew the kind of work carried out by the Pentagon, and his parting words were an unspoken nod to the fact that unlike most of the team, he was fully aware that she wasn't being sent off to some desk job.
She caught Emily's eye as she headed for the bathroom, and the brunette knew instinctively to follow. When they had checked that they were alone, JJ found that she still couldn't find the words to voice her concerns.
"How many still to go?" Emily broke the silence.
"Hotch. Reid. Morgan" she paused "You"
The brunette reached out and cupped JJ's cheek "You don't have to say goodbye to me"
"Maybe not right now...but I will have to"
Their eyes met and JJ frowned, trying to figure out just how much Emily knew. The fact that the brunette hadn't reacted to her last statement suggested that she knew more than she had let on previously.
"Where..." JJ swallowed, her throat suddenly feeling particularly dry "where do you think they'll send me?"
"If you're lucky, Russia or maybe one of the safe bases in Oman or Qatar. If not, Afghanistan or maybe even Iraq"
The blonde exhaled "I guess you're not gonna sugar coat that one for me then, huh?"
"Would you have wanted me to?"
"No" JJ shook her head "I'd have been disappointed if you did. Just...it all seems so surreal"
Emily stepped forwards and pulled the blonde into her arms.
"You're the strongest woman I know. You can do this"
"I have a lot worth fighting for" JJ said softly into the brunette's neck.
"Maybe...maybe you could keep staying with me until you get your orders?" Emily asked hopefully.
"Please" the blonde clung to her tighter.
"I love you Jennifer"
JJ lifted her head and met Emily's eyes "I love you too"
Their lips met softly and a sigh caught in the back of the blonde's throat.
"Just promise me Em...no one can know where I am. Especially not Penelope and Reid. I'd rather have them mad about me not answering their calls than knowing I'm in a war zone"
Emily nodded "I understand"
"Thank you" she replied, giving the brunette another peck on the lips "I think maybe I can handle saying goodbye to Hotch now"
"Good luck" the brunette smiled genuinely.
"I'm gonna need it. Then after Morgan's gonna take me for a drink...maybe you'd like to join us?"
"How about I give you guys some time to talk about me?" Emily said with a wink "And then you can come to mine whenever you feel like it"
JJ nodded in agreement and gave the brunette one last peck on the lips before returning to the bullpen.