Hey anyone who still reads this story,

I'm really sorry that I've been gone for awhile but I got really busy and then my computer had a virus that took forever to get rid of but I'm back now and I should be able to update pretty regularly! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Thanks!

Whatever. It. Takes.

~JuliaGoldsworthy

"You're always bound to fall
there's nothin you can do
the weight of gravity begins
to pull you down again
so what are you to do now?
stuck between the hope and doubt
you get so close to clarity
makes you question everything."

-Out of Reach.

-Matthew Perryman Jones

I was stuck. I felt sort of useless.

I hadn't gone to school the day after I got home from the hospital. The fight, or what the doctors had referred to as an attack, was pretty bad.

Usually, I would have gone. I would have gone to school and acted as if what Becky had done hadn't effected me. And normally, I wouldn't have to act because I thought Becky's threats were just things to laugh at, nothing to be worried about.

But now, I felt tired. I was so tired of being unwavered. I was sick of having to be strong and having to stand my ground. I was shaken up and, considering what had happened, I didn't see anything wrong with that. Normally, I would've gone to school but today I just wanted to stay home and be weak.

"Clare, I'm sorry." Eli said from behind me. He was getting ready for work, because despite everything that had happened, he was still leaving. I had my back to him.

I was still mad. Even if it wasn't really his fault, even if he had to work, I was still angry.

"I know." I said. He'd been apologizing all night but I couldn't bring myself to be happy with him again. Or happy at all for that matter.

"Clare, I have to go to work okay?" he said.

"Okay," I responded. "Go." I till didn't look at him.

I heard him sigh like he didn't know what else to say. I didn't know what to say either.

He walked out of the room and a few second later I heard the front door open before slamming shut. The echo of his absence rang though the apartment and brought me to tears.

About an hour later, I heard the front door open again. I still hadn't moved from my bed.

"Clare," I heard a soft voice say.

"CeCe?" I asked, surprised that she'd stopped by. I sat up, hoping my face had dried enough to look presentable.

"Hey," she said walking into the room. "Eli called and asked me to come see you since he had to leave."

"Thank you." I said, trying to smile. "But you don't have to stay."

"I know." she said. "But I want to. And I brought breakfast." She held up a white take out bag.

I smiled as much as I could. "Well in that case, I suppose it's alright."

CeCe and I ate and watched movies for most of the afternoon and I appreciated her company. Then, around two, Alli stopped by to join us.

She gave me some assignments she picked up for me. After taking a quick glance I noticed that I was falling behind. I had no idea how to attempt any of the problems she had handed me.

"How was school without me?" I asked.

"Boring," she said. "As usual." she sat down beside me as the fourth movie of the day ended.

"So how are you feeling?" she asked.

"Better," I said. "But still not good."

She nodded and brushed hair out of my face and I saw he glance at CeCe.

"Have you and Eli talked any yet?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Well how are things with you guys?"

"Like they always are, I guess." I shrugged trying to sound nonchalant. Like I didn't know what she was talking about.

"Clare, it's okay." CeCe said, reaching out for my hand. "I know Eli can be difficult sometimes. If you need to talk about it, talk."

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"Clare," Alli said. "Tell us."

I felt a lump in my throat just thinking about how I felt.

"I just," I started to speak. " I feel like I'm not enough anymore. Not just for Eli but for anyone."

"Clare, that's not true." Alli started to comfort me but I wasn't done yet.

"Alli," I shook my head. "It is."

Neither of them said a word and the sad silence rang through the room.

"I'm not enough for my mom. I'm not enough for kids at school. I'm not enough for my teachers. And now, I'm barely enough for Eli."

"Clare," CeCe sighed.

"I'm just always torn, you know?" I sniffed.

"What do you mean?" Alli asked.

"Like today. I just got out of the hospital. I'm hurt, I'm upset, all I want is a day at home with Eli. I want a day to rest, a day to feel safe. I wanted him with me." My eyes watered. I looked at my hands in embarrassment. "But, Eli had to work. So what do I do? Do I tell him not to go? To stay home with me even though I know what he's doing is for the best?"

"How is it for the best, Clare? Look at you. You're sitting here crying your eyes out because he left." Alli argued.

I squinted at her through tears. "We're going to need that money. Especially when the baby comes. He needs to work now so when they baby comes he doesn't have to. He needs to take the hours he can get. This is what he needs to do." The lump in my throat grew so large I could barely speak. My voice was inaudible.

"Clare," CeCe's voice what soft. "What about what you need?"

I felt myself start to shake until my tears spilled over and I started to sob.

"I need help." I cried. "I need him here. I need to stop having to hide things and keep secrets to myself. I just need a day to be vulnerable, CeCe. I need a day to be weak."

Alli looked into my eyes, scanning my face. "Oh my God, Clare."

"What?' I asked, trying to gain some composure.

"You haven't told anyone."

"What?" I asked, half mindedly. "No, Alli, I-"

She smirked. "You haven't told Eli."

I pressed my eyes shut. "No, Alli, I haven't. I'd like to keep it that way."

"What're you talking about?" CeCe asked.

"You need to tell him, Clare. He needs to know how to protect you."

"He does not. I can do plenty of that by myself." I said.

"Oh yeah, like when you did it the other night outside the Dot. How'd that go Clare?"

"Alli, I'm fine."

"You are not fine Clare! Look at you!" she yelled and I broke again.

"I'm sorry okay? He doesn't need another thing to worry about. He doesn't need to worry about me. I can't tell him."

"Why?" she shouted

"Because if I tell him then he'll convince me to stop going to school and get my assignments at home and then I'll be stuck here all day while everyone else if out doing things. That's not what I want."

"What's going on?" CeCe asked.

Alli turned to her. "There's this God freak called Becky at school. She's been harassing Clare all year about getting pregnant, yelled at her in the halls, wrote awful things on her locker, and attacked her behind the Dot. Yet she still won't tell Eli."

"I don't want him to worry about me." I repeated.

"Obviously you do, Clare."

"What?" I asked, annoyed with her.

"If you didn't want him to worry about you, you wouldn't be crying because he left. You wouldn't be so torn up over the fact he's not here right now."

"Alli, I just want him to focus on himself. He doesn't need more stress added to what he already has."

"Clare, he should worry about you always. Even without the Becky stuff."

"I don't need him to." I said, denying everything she was saying.

"Yes you do Clare. If you didn't, we wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be crying and I wouldn't be so worried about you."

"Fine!" I yelled. "I want him to be worried about me. I want him to ask if I'm okay when he comes home and I've had a rough day. I want to be his first priority. Is that so bad?"

"No, Clare, it's fine."

I found myself relieved by what I had said but also angry with myself. "No, it's not fine, it's selfish."

"That's probably why you feel so awful." CeCe said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You can't keep putting other people in front of you Clare. After you have this baby you'll be doing that for the rest of your life. You'll always be second to someone so right now you need to be first to you."

"But Eli-"

"Eli needs to realize that he should be there for you. He may work a lot but that's no excuse for leaving you when you need him. Especially right now when you're pregnant and hurt." she said.

"CeCe, it's fine Eli's doing what he can." I lied. Being strong made me feel weak.

"He just isn't doing what he needs to. He needs a reminder of what's most important to him."

"I don't even think he realizes he's doing it. If he doesn't even know than what could he do?" I asked.

"You need to talk to him Clare." Alli said.

"No, I can't, I-"

"Clare be smart about this. You're stressed, you're hurt, you're upset, you need to talk to him. If he's upsetting you I'm sure he would rather you talk to him about it than bottle things up."

I shrugged. "I guess."

"He'll understand Clare. He wants things to be easy for you. I'm sure that talking to him will help." Alli said.

"I just don't want him to be stressed out." I said.

"No," CeCe said. "You'll talk to him." she said.

"CeCe, I-"

"He needs to know now that he can't be selectively attentive anymore. He's a dad. He has to learn to multitask and make sure he's doing everything in his power to make sure the most important people in his life are happy. That's you."

"I know, but I don't want him to get upset and have some sort of episode and-"

'Clare, I'm not asking you to talk to him. I'm telling you."

I looked at her for a moment and then realized that talking probably would make me feel better. Having a weight lifted off my chest, being able to yell and cry and talk about what had really been going on. Everything would be so much better with cleared air.

"Fine." I said. "I'll talk to him. That's probably for the best anyways."

She smiled and winked at me. "I think you're right."

I hoped, for everyone's sake, that we both were.

So, yet another weak comeback from JuliaGoldsworthy...I know. It always seems that when I don't update for months then the next chapter that I have planned to write is really weak.

However, the next two chapters will probably make you explode so look forward to that :) I should be able to update either Sunday or Monday and if not then Tuesday so keep an eye out.

Leave me a review telling me what you thought and what you think that baby's name should be.

Thanks for reading!

Whatever. It. Takes.

~JuliaGoldsworthy