"How are you feeling?" Sam asked as he walked through the door, behind Dean. They just got back from dinner.

Dean wanted to go to Bobby's the night before he started back, but Sam wouldn't let him. Dean got tired easily around a lot of people and it was hard to socialize. Sam didn't want his brother tired and not ready to go back to work. Which would be an upset to Dean. He was counting down the days and now it was there.

"Just fine," Dean mumbled and walked to the couch. He slowly sat down, trying to mask the grimace. He had decided to go out for dinner instead, though Sam had protested, Dean argued that it wasn't Bobby's. Though, and he wouldn't admit it, but Sam's was right. He should have stayed in.

"You should go to bed early," Sam sighed as he walked to the couch.

"Yeah. Sure." Dean was holding his side. It didn't hurt but it became a habit from when he had to.

Sam wanted to argue. He knew he was hovering over Dean, but the man barely looked after himself when his limits were limited.

"Are you in pain?" Sam's eyes traveled down to Dean's hand and frowned. He always had to ask. Dean was too proud to admit he was in pain. In the early days, Sam had to set a routine of giving Dean his pills when he came home from work. Dean had this thing where he'd like to see how long he could endure the pain. Idiot.

"I'm good, Sammy. Just habit. I'm not in pain," he added when he saw Sam's unconvinced expression.

"If you say so." He still wasn't convinced, but Dean was thirty. He could take care of himself. Sometimes. "You're going back to work. Are you sure you're ready? Just because you got cleared, you can still stay off."

"I can," Dean agreed but shrugged. "But I know my limits-"

"And you never listen to them. You always push. This is something you can't chance. I don't care if your physical wounds are healed, your stamina is shit," Sam cut in, needing to get his point out, even though the chance of Dean listening was basically non-existence.

"You're only on me because I got shot."

"I've always been on you," Sam argued. "You're just noticing it now because you can't do shit."

"Yeah, well." He didn't have an answer. Sam was right, but it was always easier to brush it off when you weren't depended on anyone but yourself. He was constantly reminded. Well, not so much now, but the first few weeks were hard.

Sometimes Sam wondered why he even tried. Especially now. He was there for Dean, but he didn't make it any easier. Times like these, it was simpler to say 'fuck it' and let Dean deal with it on his own. But, they have been there for each other and nothing in their lives was easy. It was a true test and it was challenging them.

Dean wasn't making it easy and Sam wasn't making it any better, not respecting his wishes. Sam couldn't leave Dean, but he was forcing him to do things he didn't want to do.

It's what worked for them. They fought and ignored each other, but eventually, they agreed or comprised. It wasn't healthy at all and even Cas commented on it once. It was a routine they had started years ago and it was too late to change it.

"Fine. Anyway. Are you nervous? About seeing Cas, I mean."

Dean hasn't seen his husband since that day and he still heard nothing from Cas. He tried yesterday, letting him know he was starting soon. That was a stupid move on his part. He didn't need to let Cas know when he was coming back. Cas' silence was proof. Still, though they were done fighting for each other, he couldn't cut ties. Until it was official, which should be soon if he ever handed the papers to Cas.

"I texted him. Still nothing." He didn't know why he was sharing this with his brother. He should have some secrets, but that was the thing. When you live with your brother and he's practically taking care of you, you have no secrets. "I feel fine. If I'm being honest, I'm more nervous about work."

"That's probably normal. You've been off for over a month."

"Mmm," Dean hummed and sat back. He was tired and would be going to bed soon. He didn't want to wake up exhausted and have to go to work half dead. "A lot's going be different. Did I tell you they know? About Cas and me," he elaborated when he saw the questioning look form on Sam's face. "Not the divorce."

"I know." The younger man admitted and smiled sheepishly. "I was there when Cas said it."

"Oh, right. Forgot."

"Has anyone texted you?"

"Not about that, but Charlie has messaged me. Not a lot though."

"So, no one has talked to you about it." It wasn't a question and if it had been, Dean wouldn't have answered it.

"Hopefully it wasn't rough on Cas and has blown over. Well, probably not when I'm back. Cas hasn't warned me, but I'm preparing for the worst."

"Are you happy that it's out. And don't treat the question like I'm stupid. You held all of this back for almost nine years. It's all going to change."

It already was changing. Before the shooting and now they were just going for it. No more secrets.

"I guess. We never talked about a time. I was going to ask when I got back, but that's when I fucked it up too much. If I didn't get shot, we probably would have stayed quiet even during and after the divorce.

"I know you're going to call me a girl for this, but let me finish. I'm proud of you. I know you feel like everything's coming at once, but you are still fighting. I was worried that after the shooting, you wouldn't be the same. I know all of this has been hard, but you are still working so hard."

Dean wanted to admit that it was an act. He wasn't fine, but he had to be there for Sam. Still. He didn't want to burden Bobby with his shit. So, he did what he always did: lock it up and pretend. If Sam's proud of him, it's working.

He had to continue acting until he went to Pamela.

"Thanks, Sam." For once, he wasn't going to be a dick.

"You two good working with each other?" Crowley growled as he had Cas and Dean stand in front of his desk. After Parade, Crowley dragged them into his office.

Dean and Cas shared a looked and both said they could.

"Good. It wasn't an option, but I felt like it was courtesy to ask. I'm always against pairing married couples together, but thought I'd give it a try. You didn't disappoint and I expect the same."

Cas and Dean looked at each other before Dean spoke. "I'm sorry, what?"

"What part didn't you understand? I said I trusted you two in the start and now your secret is out, I don't want to see any differences."

"Sorry, are you saying you knew?"

"I run my platoon smoothly. I know what goes on. How the others didn't see just means they're dumb."
Cas gritted his teeth and clenched his eyes. He didn't know why Crowley knowing pissed him off. It wasn't like it was a secret now.

"Am I dismissed, sir?" Cas gritted out, ignoring Dean's concerned look.

"You are."

Cas nodded and left the room to find Anna for their shift.

"You know you'll be off the street until I see fit?"

"Yes." He really felt ready for the full job, but his doctor and Crowley agreed to ease him back into the job.

"Good. Now go. I'm sure they are all waiting."

"Thank you," Dean nodded and stepped out the office.

"Nice to see you back, Winchester," Charlie cheered and pulled Dean in for a hug.

"Great to be back. On the desk, but I'm willing to do anything."

Charlie nodded and smiled. "We were all so worried. Glad you are here." She hugged Dean, this time more tightly.

Out of all the officers, Dean had to say he bonded with Charlie the easiest and saw her the most outside of work.

"Cas kept us all updated, but it's different finally seeing you alive and walking. Lovely husband you have there," she joked and Dean fought the urge to roll his eyes. He knew there would be joking, but it happened less than an hour.

"'Sure, Jo also kept you informed."

Charlie narrowed her eyes and lightly pushed Dean's shoulder. "Dick."

Dean laughed and stepped away from Charlie, avoiding any more harm.

"Anyway, I have to go. Aiden is waiting, but I will find you later."

"Sounds good." Dean did a half wave as Charlie walked away. He took an empty desk and just started his day.

Sam had told him that Cas said they caught Marv. He was pissed that they got him when he was still at the hospital, but at least they didn't have to worry about him now.

The day dragged or it felt like it did. Dean still got some pain from his scars if he moved wrong or got up too fast. Stupidly, he did the latter and had to stay down for several seconds.

"You okay," Becky asked as she walked over to Dean's desk.

He wavered her off and took a sharp breath. "I'm fine."

The young woman smiled slightly and nodded. "Okay. So, how is it? Being back I mean."

"Slow," Dean answered as he slowly stood up. "Got used to sitting at home, but I hated it."

Becky followed Dean to the break room, staying close. They were silent until they got to the room and Becky started up—or tried to—a conversation. They didn't socialize much alone, so it was awkward.

"Nothing really happened here. Except Marv."

"Yeah. I know. The one big thing and I missed it. Though I heard you won a small Fortuna."

"Sorry?"

Dean smiled at the woman before turning to the coffee machine. "Heard you won our bet." Dean turned and grinned smugly.

Becky's mouth dropped. "Ho-ho-did you -what?"

"So, what did you say to win? Because what I've heard no one was close."

"How do you know? You're not mad?"

Dean turned to his ready coffee and picked it up. "No. People wanted us to be together since the start. Well, wanted us to fuck. Just didn't think they would put money on it. Clever. And Jo asked me why Charlie was bitching about losing money to you. I just figured."

"Huh," Becky pursed her lips and nodded her head like it made sense. It kind of did. She guessed.

"So, how much was it?" Dean took a sip of his coffee and grimaced at the taste. He should have got one on the way here.

"You want to know?"

Dean nodded and smirked. "I want to know how much people valued our supposed love life."

"$565."

Dean whistled and grinned widely. "No wonder Charlie's pissed."

"I almost didn't go in." She didn't know why she was admitting that, but Dean just chuckled.

"Glad you did. Better you than Charlie. She's been on my ass since Cas started to…work…here." He stuttered the last part, suddenly through back to where he and Cas actually sat and it wasn't happy. Not like it was when Cas started here with him.

"Hey," Dean said hesitantly as he walked through the changeroom, finding Cas by his locker. The room was empty, which was a blessing. He didn't want people to hear them.

"Hi," Cas said quietly, flicking his eyes to Dean before dropping them. He wanted Dean here so badly, but after he sent the papers, he was on edge for the conversation that was sure to come.

"How was your day?" Dean stopped by his locker, which was right next to Cas'. Now that he knew Crowley always knew, he wondered if this was on purpose.

"I should be asking you." Cas turned to stare at his husband. He looked so tired. There wasn't any doubt that just sitting still whipped him out. Shouldn't the doctor have assigned him for shorter shifts?

"Tired." Dean shrugged and opened his locker. "And long. I shouldn't have fought to just get back into this."

"You could always ask Crowley."

"Maybe. I'm just sitting." Dean pulled his t-shirt over his head before grabbing the clean one.

Cas frowned and shook his head. "Not trying to be mean, but you look horrible."

Dean laughed as he pulled his shirt over his head. "Shit, Cas, you just go for it. Don't worry, I feel it."

This was hard. They haven't talked at all excepted when they were in Crowley's office, and even then, they didn't talk to each other. They were at work. They can't act stiff and distanced, but it was so hard to act like he didn't want to let it all out. Not the place. They were the masters o\f pretending.

Cas gave him a tight smile as he grabbed his shoes. "I know you like to push yourself and I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Cas sat on the bench behind them and changed his shoes.

He really didn't want Dean to hurt himself again. Even though he sent the papers, it didn't mean that he didn't care. He always cared. And now wasn't any different.

Dean felt his heart race, which was weird. Wasn't it? No? Maybe? Just because they were divorcing, didn't mean they didn't care for each other now.

"Well, I think this is something I shouldn't push."

Cas laughed as he tied his shoe. "Only took you getting shot," he teased, as he looked up.

Dean smirked and shrugged. "Sounds right."

If they were heading to the end, if he could still have Cas in his life, he would be happy. Maybe they weren't meant to be together now. If Cas wanted to try being friends, he would do that. It wouldn't be right away. Of course. But that didn't mean they could try in the future. As selfish as it was, he would take anything Cas gave him.

Right now, it was like they never had that talk, and Dean wasn't ready to bring up the forms. Now was not the time. It would take too long and work was not the place to have this discussion. For now, they just acted normal and Dean would go with it for as long as Cas wanted it.

"Heard that there was a bet going around? About us." He needed to say something, and that really wasn't the best subject.

Cas dropped his foot and rolled his eyes. "Yes. Charlie bitched at me about how I could have waited a few months to drop the bomb. I say it was the perfect time."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Cas furrowed his brows and leaned back, resting his hands behind him.

Dean shrugged and leaned back against a closed locker. He really didn't know. "For leaving you to deal with all of this. For making you have to confess."

"I had to or they wouldn't have let me in."

"And then I blocked you." Dean still hated himself for that. He was mad at himself for getting in that situation and he took it out on Cas.

Cas tilted his head. "You already said sorry and I forgave you. Don't have to still do it."

"Doesn't mean I don't feel guilty. Doesn't mean our conversation helped me get over that."

Cas stood and moved to Dean. "You don't have to, but don't apologize. It's over."

"It really is," Dean admitted and hung his hands.

Cas frowned and stood up. He smiled sadly and pulled Dean in tightly. Dean gripped Cas' back and pressed his nose into his husband's shoulder. They haven't hugged in weeks and now was probably the last time.

Cas tightened his grip and it felt nice. If this was the end, he wanted to do this before it got weird.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," a voice came, breaking the little bubble Dean and Cas were in.

The two jumped apart and stared at Kevin.

"Just because you guys are out, doesn't mean you can be gross."

Cas and Dean glanced at each other and then Kevin. Dean bit his lips as Cas stepped back, looking to the ground.

"Sorry." Dean looked at Kevin and then Cas, who wasn't looking at him.

Kevin chuckled and shook his head. "Relax. Just teasing. You two are so jumpy."

"Geez," Cas finally spoke up. "Thanks for that."

Dean and Kevin exchanged looks. The older man shrugged. He knew why Cas was acting irritant, but they didn't want anyone to know.

To Kevin's credit, he didn't comment and walked to his locker. "Tough day, Cas?"

"The worst," Cas tried to lighten his voice, but Dean could tell Cas was struggling, Kevin didn't catch on and that was a blessing. They didn't need him to be questioning shit.

Cas gave Dean and Kevin a tight smile and walked out.

The younger man looked at Dean and raised his eyebrows. Dean wanted to laugh. Everyone here knew they were married, but not about the divorce. It was funny.

"No idea," Dean answered and quickly changed. "See you tomorrow, Tran,"

Kevin waved and stared at the door. It was only Dean's first day back, but already things between Dean and Cas were… Different. Dean only just started back and maybe he was reading too much into it. All he knew was that things weren't the same.

Pamela smiled as Dean sat down. Dean was a tough patient and no matter what was new with him, it was a challenge. It was a nice change. She liked being tested and Dean made her work.

"Glad to see you back," Pamela greeted as Dean sat across from her.

Dean nodded and shifted in his seat. Even after three sessions, it was still an imitating experience. No matter how much he considered canceling in the week leading up to each visit, he didn't. Which was a miracle. Actually, this whole experience was one. He was still going and he was proud.

Bobby still didn't know. As much as he loved and trusted him, he could never let the man know. He knew about the divorce and he didn't know if what Bobby said was true or fake to protect his healing. Honestly, now, he just wanted honesty. He wanted people to tell him what a dick he had been.

He really wanted to tell Bobby, but he was like a father to him and he didn't want to disappoint him. He already knew Bobby wasn't impressed that he ruined his life. He already had John, he didn't want Bobby to no longer be there.

Sam would tell he was stupid, so he didn't let anyone know. Pamela, yeah, but she didn't have connections to his life.

"Yeah, well, I figured it's going well, I should continue."

Pamela smiled and it always unnerved Dean. He always felt like a kid getting praised for doing something well.

"So, Dean, have you started work?"

Last time he was there was before his appointment and didn't have a chance to go back. Well, he did, he just didn't want to.

"I did. I've been back for about a week."

"Tired?"

"Yeah."

"A lot of people are like that. So, what have you been doing. I know you said you would be off the road and-"

"I am," Dean cut in. "On desk until two weeks, I think."

"Must be hard. You're not one to step back, but now you do-"

"And it's shit," Dean finished, causing Pamela to chuckle.

"Wasn't going to say that, but we'll go with that? How was Cas?"

Dean groaned and closed his eyes. He knew this would be a question he'd have to answers, but that didn't mean he was ready. The first day back was… Odd, he guessed. The next few were… What were they? He and Cas didn't talk to each other unless they had to.

He tried to text that night, but received the standard silence. Was he mad that he wasn't giving him the papers? He wasn't doing it on purpose. Or he was? He just couldn't do it because it would become too real. He had to soon.

"It was… Fine? The first day back was good. We talked, but after that, Cas didn't talk to me unless we had to."

Pamela hummed and pursed her lips. Dean's hated that look because he always felt like she was judging him. She probably wasn't, but he didn't know.

"Is that all? I doubt, but you can just leave it."

Dean hated when Pamela did that. She always made it sound like he could stop, but he knew she was telling him to continue and it was insulting. Well, no, but it was easier to think.

Fuck, he muttered before exhaling loudly as he dropped his head back. "No. I might be reading too much into this, but my first day was good, as I said. My friends teased. I was expecting it, but after, when I was in the locker room with Cas…" he trailed off, think back to that moment, wondering if was really reading too much into it.

"Take your time," Pamela said, sensing Dean's hesitation.

He was really thankful for her. She wasn't pushy, but she didn't let him off easy for anything. She was a good match.

Dean rubbed his hands together, trying to keep him busy. "We kind of talked. It was the first time we talked since the time at Sam's. It was nice. We didn't talk about that night, which was okay. It wasn't the place. But when we hugged…" he trailed off, wondering to himself why he was being so honest. Saying every detail. Maybe he had to move on or maybe it was because he felt comfortable around Pamela. "Anyway, someone came in and made a comment about how we are gross because we're married and huffing. After that. Cas started to avoid me. Is Cas really relevant here?" he asked after shared his day. Really, though, it was about him, not Cas. Right?

"He is. You two are getting divorced and you still have to work together. It's not ideal for couples, but this is unavoidable. This is why I'm asking.

"We haven't gone through with it yet."

"But it will happen soon, right? From what you tell me, you're not looking to transfer." Dean nodded, but Pamela didn't comment. "Have you given Cas the papers?"

Dean drew his eyes down to his feet. Shamefully he hasn't. Couldn't. Didn't. The longer he held onto them, the longer he could put off reality. He knew it wasn't fair to Cas and he was being selfish.

"No."

He didn't see Pamela's expression as he kept his eyes focused on his boots. He was ashamed. He didn't need to hear he was in the wrong. He saw it enough in Sam's eyes when he saw the signed papers. Though, it could be in his head. Seeing what he felt he deserved.

"Dean," Pamela spoke, her voice levelled and not sympathetic like he thought. "Look at me."

Dean thought he could fight her and not lift his head, but that would be immature and wouldn't help. Slowly, he looked up, carefully avoiding Pamela's eyes.

"I just can't. Work isn't right and I-I just can't go home." It was pathetic, but true. It was embarrassing.

"You're still living with Sam." It wasn't a question, but Dean nodded.

"It's not fair to Cas," Dean admitted, "but I don't—can't do it."

Pamela stayed silent, watching the man across from her. They really weren't getting anyways. Until Dean accepted all of this, they couldn't move forward. Dean couldn't move forward.

"I know this is hard to accept this is, and I'm not going through this, but it's not healthy to hold onto all of this. You said you wanted to get better, but you can't do that if you hold onto the past. It's scary right now. You have the only piece holding you and Cas together. But not letting that go doesn't help."

Dean finally met Pamela's gaze and fought the urge to roll his. She was true and being brutally honest. He knew he was stretching this out. Cas probably—no—wanted to get this over with so they could move on.

"I know." It was all he could do. Talking to Cas really tore him open. Talking to Pamela really cut him down and then the papers came, and he lost all hope. Why was he even here?

"I understand this is hard." Pamela was making her voice soft, which was weird. Dean would rather have her just give it to him. Tell him to stop pouting and move on. "But, Dean, this won't work. You are just putting off the inevitable."

Ah! There it is! This is why he felt like he could share.

"I'm not pushing, but I'm telling you, you need to make a decision. If you're here for Cas or are going for the divorce for Cas, you have to say yes or tell Cas you want to try again. I already know you two have, but you aren't ready if you are holding onto the papers."

"I never said I wanted to try again." It wasn't a lie. He never said that, but it wasn't a lie that he wanted to try again. He did, but Cas made it clear they couldn't do that. It wasn't okay, but it was.

"No, but you did admit that you don't want this divorce. You basically are saying you don't want this. So, from what I see, you have two options: one, sign the papers and give them to Cas or ask Cas if you two could try again. If he says no, at least you can walk away knowing that you tried."

Dean thinned his lips. It was a hard decision and he didn't want make it, but he had to.

"You don't have to decide now, but you have to soon."

Dean knew she was right. He couldn't hold onto the papers forever. He felt like he needed to make his decision now. He had to say it out loud so it'd be out there and not in his head. After these past few weeks, he knew his answer.