At first, she appreciated the care that he showed her after the horrible incident passed. He walked her back to the shop. They walked, he didn't use magic, it was a small gesture that she appreciated most of all, but when they went into the back room, she saw a feast made out on the table for them, table cloth, candles, fine china, and a pot of what smelled like Chicken Noodle Soup. That had been magic. And though it might have looked warm and cozy, it only made her shiver. She was sorrowful. He'd been working up a romantic evening in hell? Didn't he understand? No matter how he felt about Gaston, she was in mourning not just for him but for herself and for their child. This was hardly the time for a romantic evening. She sniffled and took a step away from him at the sight.
"Um…I'm afraid I'm just…I'm not really in the mood."
He was quiet for a moment before he muttered "very well" and waved his hand. The candles the tablecloth, the plates, it all disappeared save for the soup, the bowls, and the spoons. One other thing reappeared. Her Handsome Hero. It sat on the table, right where Gaston had left it. With no one left to haunt, it had nowhere left to be. Unless of course, she was its new target. This book she'd once loved so much was now nothing but a horrible reminder. And instead of reminding her of her mother, it would forever remind her of Gaston, and what she'd done.
With a sad sigh, she sat down on the cot in the back room and put her head in her hands. What had she done?
"Try not to dwell on it, Belle," he muttered moving to the table.
"Try not to dwell on it? Rumple, I killed someone, what else should I do."
"First, he was already dead. Second,of all, he was working with Hades to destroy our future, where is the guilt in that?"
Where was the guilt in that? Where wasn't the guilt in that? He wasn't working to destroy their future, her talk with Gaston showed that he'd hardly cared about her. He'd been trying to murder Rumple so that he could move on from this horrible place. A place that Rumple had put him and probably never would have if she'd never met him or encouraged him to be her kind of "hero". But she wasn't in any kind of position to even touch upon that at the moment.
"Here." She watched as Rumple reached up into a cupboard and pulled a blanket free from her. For just that one brief moment, as she watched that tiny action, it was months ago, when they'd first been married, and the power was out. They'd sat on the cot at home and shared a blanket. They'd talked about how much they loved each other. The chill in the air now was far worse than it was then. But the memory made her refuse the blanket.
"No thank you, I'm fine."
Still, he pressed her with it. "You should get some rest. You were up all night."
"And the night before, but I said I was fine," she spat back. She wasn't sure what she wanted right now, but she knew, cold as she was, it wasn't a blanket. He relented and placed it back up in the cabinet.
"Well, you should at least have something to eat."
"I'm really not that hungry right now," she argued. Part of her acknowledged that he was trying, but he was doing it all wrong. His gestures were cold; there was nothing warm or sympathetic to them at all. After this trauma, she wanted…she wanted him. She wanted what they'd had after Neal had been shot and she'd been Lacey. She wanted that. Someone to hold her. Someone to let her cry. Someone who wasn't going to lie to her and tell her it was nothing because it wasn't nothing. She wanted to feel loved and human at this moment. Not the cool calculations of the Dark One. And if she wasn't going to get that? What was the point?
"If you don't eat-"
"I appreciate the gesture," she muttered sadly. "But I think I need to be alone right now."
She didn't look at him. She couldn't bring herself to. The truth was that she didn't know who's eyes would greet her. Rumple? Or the Dark One?
"Fine," he conceded after a moment. "I'll step away, check on the others, let you try to get some rest."
"Check on the others?" she questioned, suddenly hopeful. "You're going to help them."
"No, I mean merely to check on their progress. I assure you they'll never even know I looked in on them. While I'm gone…try not to wallow so much." She heard the sound of his footsteps on the hardwood floor, then the sound of the back door opening and closing. He was gone. She was left allow to reflect on what she'd done.
What she'd done…she knew what she'd done. She'd acted. She'd acted and she hadn't thought first, she'd just reacted to the situation and now Gaston was dead.
No…he'd been dead before. Her husband, the Dark One had killed him, she was the one that had sentenced him to a fate far worse. And for what? Nothing. Nothing, because their child still belonged to Hades and not to them.
Well, it wasn't exactly for nothing. Rumpelstiltskin was alive. She'd saved him. And there was a time that might have seemed like a fair trade, part of her still felt that it was, but another part simply couldn't get words and thoughts that she'd had before out of her mind. She was willing to risk everything for Rumple, for their family. In a small way, she was still very much so the optimistic girl that she'd been when the first curse over Storybrooke broke. But she wasn't sure who she'd done this for anymore. Was her Rumple still there? The one who promised her he loved her more than anything, the one who always believed in her, supported her, protected her? She wanted to believe that he was. But all she kept hearing was his declaration over and over again that he was who he was, that he wasn't going to fight the darkness and she just had to accept it. Not just accept it, but turn away when it happened, stop trying to make him better. That was a Rumpelstiltskin who was choosing magic over her, over their love. She had killed for her Rumple, but would this Rumple change for her? Was he willing to work toward using his curse for the Light? The work they'd done before Gaston intervened seemed to answer that for her. He wasn't willing to try. And nothing she'd seen today seemed to support the idea he was even still there. What could be done with an answer like that? She had a feeling she knew; she just didn't like it. Their happy ending was over before it had ever started. Wasn't that the story of their life? Was that going to be the story of their child's life?
She thought she could do this when she came over days ago, but she just couldn't. She couldn't make a choice to accept the Darkness, to look the other way, it just wasn't who she was. Her soul couldn't take it, and she couldn't bear to bring a child into this world if it meant tarnishing her own soul. She'd seen what that did to parent and child in Rumple and Neal. She'd warned Neal about it when he first told her he intended to create a dark curse of his own to get back to Henry. "Make sure your soul is intact." Maybe more people would be better off if she'd just left Storybrooke and stuck by what she'd said at the well.
The sun rose again that morning, if she could call it a "morning", and with a heavy sigh she rose from the spot she hadn't moved from and examined the little green book still sitting on the table. It was amazing how little she'd thought of it over the years. Ever since her mother gave her La Belle Et La Bete she'd associated herself with it far more than Her Handsome Hero but…maybe the remarkable thing was how much of herself she'd lost over the years, ever since La Belle Et La Bete had come into her life. She'd always wanted to resemble Her Handsome Hero far more than La Belle Et La Bete. The tale of the shepherd boy who risked it all to become the hero for the woman that he loved, the woman who loved him back. He wasn't perfect, he didn't win every battle, but he showed strength in his emotion, love in his actions, and mercy to those who others thought didn't deserve it. Mercy. Compassion. Love. Three things she certainly had not had with Gaston, today or ever before. And now the opportunity was gone. What was she supposed to tell her child even if the contract was destroyed?
She slammed the book closed at the same time the shop door opened and closed. She wasn't alarmed and didn't panic, she knew the sound of his footsteps too well.
"Stop torturing yourself, Belle," he muttered.
The words hit her like a slap in the face. Not the words, just the tone, it was the tone she'd heard ever since she arrived and they'd begun trying to find an answer. There wasn't the faintest hint of sympathy in his voice. No caring or feeling of any kind. If anything, all she heard was cold, hard irritation. Irritation that this was bothering her, irritation that she was upset with herself. It turned her stomach. Maybe he didn't remember, but those were part of what made a person human. She wanted to be human, she wanted to do good things, she wanted to be a hero, and she wanted that for their child more than anything. Her caring would show that. Would his?
"No, I... I gave Gaston this book to teach him that a true hero needs to show his enemy compassion, right?" she argued. "But in the moment that I could've shown him mercy? What? I send him to a fate worse than death!" she stated choking on her emotions That was what bothered her, truly bothered her and as far as she was concerned, it should bother her. But clearly, it had no effect on him. She wondered if anything did anymore. Certainly, she didn't.
"Belle," he reasoned in a gentler voice. "You were trying to protect our child."
"Yeah, and...and you know, if Hades had actually destroyed the contract, then maybe I could live with what I did. But…" But…that was just the problem! It wasn't to save their child, not in the heat of the moment! Gaston hadn't threatened their child, and she hadn't through that he couldn't harm Rumple because she needed him, she'd just thought that she couldn't allow him to hurt Rumple because he was Rumple. And sure, afterward she'd been elated for all of two seconds because she thought the same thing, that what she'd done might save their child but that just wasn't the case. And now…now she wasn't sure who she'd really done this for anymore. Herself? Rumple? Their child. "But he found a loophole, and I darkened my soul, Rumple, just... just to save you." She'd never be the same. How was she supposed to tell their child about this one day? She had to carry it forever..
"And now we can free our child from Hades' grasp together."
That tone again, the irritation that told her he wished she'd just move on and forget this but…but she couldn't. And she wasn't sure she could dismiss his tone either. She felt guilty after just one life! How could he kill and manipulate over and over again and feel nothing?! That was terrifying! Was it really the best thing for their child to be around? Was it really the best thing for her to be around?
"No, I…I need to make this right on my own. I leave it up to you…" She couldn't do that. She had the answer to the choice he'd asked her to make even though she said she wasn't going to make it yet. As long as he was like this, the Dark One, she couldn't be around him. The truth was, he wasn't good for either of them or both of them the way he was. "You'll just make me do something else I'll regret," she realized.
Feeling like there waslead in her shoes sheleft, because if she was willing to kill just to save a beast like the Dark One, she didn't want to know what else he'd convince her to do in order to save her child.
Okay, a few issues to consider in this chapter. First of all, it was really, really hard to write, chapters like this are, but not in the way you would consider. It was difficult in the how did we get from there to here way. Last we saw Rumple and Belle they were standing at the docks hugging in the wake of their disappointment. This time around though Belle is incredibly short with Rumple, and Rumpelstiltskin...I didn't lie in the chapter, if you go back and watch this scene again his tone is what really pissed me off. He says "let it go" in that tone of "enough is enough stop acting like a child" and even I thought it was harsh. So I did a couple of things here to fix that. First of all, I added an extra day. I know some people want 5x17 and 5x18 to be the same day, but it just didn't seem plausible in this setting, and when I watched the episode it didn't seem plausible for the other either. So I added the night for Belle to brood and Rumple to grow restless and now we are 5x18 which is a fresh new day (if you can call it that in the Underworld). The second thing I did...still no sleep. I tried, I swear I did, there are only a few places in the Underworld time where Belle could take a nap or rest, and this certainly was one of them, but when I looked at it seriously it just didn't seem plausible to me. I couldn't see this happening and then Belle thinking "yeah, a good night sleep will totally help" and then laying down and actually sleeping. So instead I kept her up, I let her emotions run wild for the third night in a row. What does sleeplessness cause? Irritability, mood changes, impairment of the mind, rash decision making...sound familiar yet? See where I'm going with this and maybe why keeping her up works in my favor?
Thank you, Teresa Martin, Fox24, and Grace5231973 for the reviews of the last chapter. We are on to 5x18, (obviously) which is the last of the Belle episodes so we've got a lot to do this week for this story and frankly I've got a lot I have to do this week just to kick my butt into gear on the next of the tales. I certainly should have been farther along with it by now than I am, but alas, work. Peace and Happy Reading!