"It's Harry, please, please I don't know what to do, I can't get it off him! Severus we only just escaped!" She knew she wasn't making sense but her brain was working too frantically for her mouth. "We just escaped one-one of his t-traps. Is – will-will he c-call you?"
All the blood seemed to have drained from his face.
"It is unlikely, I wasn't involved and he usually leaves me to it, here."
"Will you come? If you c-can, if you th-think it's safe, please, please I need you here I don't know what to do and Harry's hurt and I c-can't seem to help and I-"
"Of course, Hermione of course I will come, where are you?"
"Th-thank y-you." She answered, struggling to control the sobs that were threatening to come tearing out of her throat. "We're in Wentwood, the w-woods in W-Wales. And we need more dittany, and another bezoar if y-you have one, the sn-ake bit Harry so I used it."
"Nagini was there?" There was a panic in his voice that she'd never heard before.
"Severus please come. I can use a summoning charm if you let me know when you're h-here, but I n-need y-you, I can't-"
"I'm coming, I'll be there as soon as I can and let you know."
"Th-ank you."
His face vanished, and for a while all she could do was stare at her own petrified face, tears streaming down her face and listen to Harry's moans.
They had come so close to dying.
She couldn't seem to get the image of Voldemort running towards them from her mind.
But Severus was coming.
Despite what had happened, what was happening, she still felt a ball of nervous excitement rise in her stomach.
She shook her head and keeping on hand firmly on her mirror, erected the tent with a wave of her wand and levitated Harry onto a bunk, dropping the remaining dittany on the snake bite.
Her mirror flared warm and she almost dropped it. Running out of the tent, she took a moment to conjure images of Severus, knowing how strong her accio would have to be to bring him to her.
She thought of his sunken cheeks, the creases around his mouth, the perpetual shadows under his eyes, she thought of his mesmerising voice, the billowing of his robes, the way his thin lips moved when he said her name. She thought of his crumpled figure sobbing in her arms, the fragility that ran under his harsh exterior, she thought of his hesitance, his insecurities, the way he clung onto her so desperately every time they were close. A feeling of warmth and longing began in the pit of her stomach and slowly spread to her chest, along her arms, down her legs, intertwining with the magic simmering through her blood, and she knew in that moment that she'd have the power to summon him even if he was still at Hogwarts.
"Accio Severus."
She held onto the feelings playing out with dazzling intensity, aching, longing for him, warm down to her toes despite the few clothes she was still wearing.
And then she saw him.
He was flying through the air towards her – flying – coming closer and closer to her wards. She ran to the edge of them and thrust both her hands through, barely even registering their tingling across her arms, because she could see Severus. Her Severus.
He came towards her, faster and faster, landing about a meter away, stumbling forwards and grabbing onto her outstretched hands. She pulled him in through her layers of protection forcefully and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Oh my God, you're here, you're here."
His arms crashed around her and they were pressed together so tightly she honestly had no idea which one them was shaking.
Harry screamed.
She wrenched herself away from him, grabbing his hand and together they ran into the tent.
"It's this." She said, indicating to the horcrux. "I can't get it off him."
Severus knelt by Harry's side, holding his wand over him and whispering a chant like spell she'd never heard before. He turned to look at her with wide eyes.
"What is it?" He asked, and there was an edge to his voice she wasn't sure how to interpret.
"It's one of those things I'm not supposed to tell you." She answered ruefully.
"I cannot believe how Dark of an object it is." He said, turning back to Harry.
He continued with his chant, and after a few minutes, the locket gave a twitch.
Harry screamed again, and began thrashing in his bed, his arms flailing.
Severus threw her a bag and grabbed Harry's arms.
"I'm going to have to sever it off. Have the dittany ready, there's potions in the bag, but I need him to be still."
"Petrificus totalus." Hermione said, and Harry instantly became rigid.
"Ready?"
"Ready."
With a sharp flick of his wand, the horcrux fell to the floor. She stared at Harry's bleeding chest, tormented for a moment, then hurried to tend to his wound.
She watched the skin heal and knit together, running her fingers over the new skin in relief, then spelled his clothes back on and bundled him up with blankets. Severus was watching her with an unfathomable look on his face, but she got the distinct impression he was uncomfortable. She slid the horcrux under the mattress on her bunk, unable to face putting it on.
As soon as she released him from her spell, Harry began to moan and writhe again.
"Ron says he gets like this sometimes when he's dreaming about him, but I don't think it's ever been this bad before. I thought once we got the- that, off…"
"I believe this will just have to be endured, though I brought a vial of Dreamless Sleep with me." Said Severus, looking inexplicably awkward. "It might give Potter some relief, although I would suggest only a dose for 8 hours."
"Good idea."
Severus tipped a small amount from the bottle he produced from his robes down Harry's throat.
"What on earth was he doing wearing that thing?" He asked, his voice suddenly harsh and his demeanour changing in an instant.
"It … it's very important. We've been taking it in turns actually, to make sure it's safe."
He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut, and she took in his appearance for the first time.
He looked … terrible. His hair was greasier and longer than she'd ever seen it, his skin was worryingly pale, the shadows under his eyes incredibly dark, it looked like he'd lost a lot of weight too, and he hadn't had much to lose. She reached out a hand to touch his face but he flinched away as soon as her fingers came into contact with his skin. Ignoring this, she took his face in her hands, suddenly so desperately pleased to see him it felt like a knife wound in her chest.
"You haven't been taking care of yourself Severus."
He was avoiding her eyes, his posture unyielding.
She awkwardly dropped her hands, wondering what she should do. She looked back at him; he was only wearing his usual teaching robes, apparently having forgotten to put anything else on in his haste to get to her. The thought warmed her, but at the same time she realised she was only wearing a long sleeve top and a vest, in the middle of winter. She shivered, hastily shoving her mirror back in her bra, throwing on some clothes and grabbing one of Harry's coats off of her bed and giving it to Severus. She took his hand and led him outside; it didn't matter that Harry was unconscious, she wanted some privacy.
When they were out in the open she cast warming charms around them, and turned again to look at the man who had travelled across country to be with her.
Something was wrong. His shoulders were hunched slightly, this hair hiding his expression from her, his hand holding onto hers a little too tightly.
"What is it?"
He looked up at her briefly, his expression guarded, but then turned his head away. If it hadn't been for the vicelike grip he had on her hand, she would have thought he was angry with her.
She reached up and pushed his hair away from his face, then rested her hand on his cheek. His eyes closed briefly.
"Severus, please just tell me."
"I … I think I need to tell you something. Something I am supposed to keep to myself."
"Well tell me," she said, not missing a beat. "I'm starting to think we should trade secrets anyway, lord knows Harry and I are getting nowhere on our own."
"It … it is not something that will be easy to hear."
"Okay … but if I need to know-"
"There's something else too." He interrupted, a dull flush on his cheeks, his eyes averted.
"What it is?"
"It … it isn't important, especially not compared to … but I just … I want to know – I'm not entirely sure why – but I must know … I-"
"Severus what is it?" She was starting to get nervous now.
"Potter," he said stiffly. "You and he-" He broke off, then made a jolted movement back and forth with his hand.
It took her a moment to figure out what he meant … then…
"Are you asking me if I've had sex with Harry, or if I'm having sex with Harry?"
"I … both."
She dropped her hand away from his face, genuinely hurt.
"I've never been with Harry like that. He's like a brother. And for you to suggest that I'd be sleeping with him, while you and I…" She pulled her hand from his and turned away, trying to blink away the prickling in her eyes.
Did he really think so little of her?
"I … I apologise." He moved to stand before her. "It just … seeing you with him in there … and what happened with Lily, I was just … afraid … that I'd lost you … like I did her. And you … you were not a virgin when we…"
She looked up at his face, saw the relief, the worry, the sadness in his eyes.
"Severus, that … that was nothing! He's family, I was worried about him. And there were two boys before you, one was Victor Krum, and one was a muggle boy from my neighbourhood. It was different. It was never … it didn't … it wasn't…"
She sighed and took his anxious face in her hands again. "Severus I love you."
If possible, his face seemed to get even paler. His eyes widened, something brittle appearing in the darkness, his eyebrows shot up, and his mouth dropped open a little.
"I need you to understand that. And you don't need to be insecure about … this… I love you."
He stood frozen before her, shocked and rigid, but not withdrawing, and she slowly closed the space between them, pushing herself up and pulling his head down to hers. She'd forgotten how just much she loved to kiss him. It was a gentle, hesitant kiss, but it sent pleasure flitting through her all the same. She sighed, and wrapped her arms around his neck, pushing her head into the space under his jaw and breathing in his scent, registering dimly that she'd missed him even more than she'd realised. Something inside of her chest hummed when he wrapped his arms around her and clutched her to him with that same desperate force he always used.
"Hermione I… I don't think I can recall the last time someone said that to me." He said quietly, his voice hoarse.
She felt tears in her eyes again, but found she didn't much care.
"Well I love you." She said fiercely, pulling back to watch his face.
He looked down at her … and he smiled.
He was so, so beautiful.
Then something close to regret flitted across his face.
"The … the words …" he said quietly. "I've never said them."
"Never?" She asked in disbelief.
"Not that I can remember, no." He answered, pink creeping onto his cheeks. "Saying them…"
"It's okay." She answered, sensing what he was trying to tell her. "I just wanted you to know. I nearly died tonight, and a part of me just kept thinking; I'm going to die and he'll never know."
He nodded.
"Thank you Hermione." He whispered. "Thank you."
He kissed her forehead, his touch maddeningly light, and then they were kissing again, and it was hot and suffocating and brilliant. One of his hands was in her hair, the other clutching at her back, holding her to him, and it was truly as if nothing else mattered.
When the kiss finally broke, she pulled away only as far as she had to in order to breathe, one hand still in Severus' hair, and they gasped for breath with their foreheads pressed together.
"We must talk." Said Severus, and the clear reluctance in his voice made her smile up at him.
"Yes." She agreed, and conjured a sofa for them to sit on.
"Who should go first?" She asked.
"I believe you should, what I have to tell you … it … it's … bad."
There was a tightness to his face and a hollow look in his eyes than made a cold knot of fear swell in her stomach.
"Okay. It will be easier if you don't interrupt me." She said quietly, wondering where to begin. "Do you know what a horcrux is?"
"Yes." He answered, his expression instantly fading into his expressionless mask she was far too familiar with. The knot of fear tightened.
"Well, that's what the locket is. Vol-" She saw his eyes darkening. "You-Know-Who then, he made horcruxes, that's why he didn't die when the killing curse rebounded all those years ago. There are 6 -"
"SIX?!" Severus leapt up and turned away, pacing in front of her. "Six… And Dumbledore chose not to tell me this… Entrusting the knowledge instead to 3 foolish teenage students with virtually no experience of Dark magic. Perhaps the most important information in this entire war. Six."
Only a few months ago Hermione would have taken this reaction to be one of anger, and in a way she would have been right, but now she knew him well enough to understand that it went deeper than that. This new knowledge was scaring him, as well it should. It made the prospect of ever defeating Voldemort seem even further away. And for someone in the position that Severus was, this revelation would be devastating.
"Severus please sit down." She said gently. "There's more."
He shot her a furtive glance from behind his curtain of limp hair, then did as she asked, sitting rigidly next to her. She took his hand, and after a moment, he relaxed enough to lace his finger with hers.
"We think we know what they are. Two have been destroyed already, and we have a third, as you've seen."
He finally made eye contact with her then, and she offered him a small smile.
"You remember what happened in my second year?"
"You mean petrified students, a basilisk and the Dark Lord almost returning for the second year in a row?"
"You remember then." She smiled. "Did Dumbledore tell you about the diary?"
"Yes. He wanted to know if I knew anything about it, which I didn't." He paused, his brows furrowing. "That was a horcrux."
"Yes. Harry destroyed it years ago. And you know the ring? It cursed Dumbledore's hand."
"He destroyed it with the sword of Gryffindor." Said Severus, his eyes wide. "Oh."
"It was an heirloom of You-Know-Who's family. We need the sword of Gryffindor to destroy the locket, the swords impregnated with basilisk venom – it's the only safe way I know. But Severus the one you gave to Bellatrix is fake. Dumbledore must have swapped it before he died and hidden the real one somewhere. That's why we went to Godric's hollow, we thought…" She trailed off looking at Severus uncertainly, there was anger swimming in the depths of his dark eyes, but something that looked suspiciously like laughter round their edges.
"I knew the sword was a fake." He said quietly. "I was the one who made a copy. The real sword is concealed within Hogwarts."
Adrenaline shot through her.
"So you can give it to us!" She exclaimed. "We can finally get rid of the bloody thing! We've been carrying it with us for months! Oh I should have asked you sooner, how stupid of me, but I thought you might be in more danger if you knew the sword was fake… Severus you know what this means-"
"Another horcrux down." He said softly, and she nodded, the beginnings of hope in her heart once again. "Hermione, the sword must be taken under circumstances of bravery and valour – in typical, foolish Gryffindor fashion – I cannot simply give it to you."
"Bollocks. And Harry and I will need a little while to recover, I know that sounds pathetic but after what happened … I'd like a few days without the need for bravery or anything."
"That is not pathetic." He said firmly. "It will not be safe for you to disclose your location to me through our usual means of communication - " – Hermione groaned – "- but perhaps, when you're ready, you could leave your bag open and say your location for Phineas to hear…"
"That's genius!"
An almost-smile touched his lips.
"Thank you. The others?"
"Oh yes, well Dumbledore believed that You-Know-Who came across the cup of Helga Hufflepuff at the same time as the locket – which is Slytherin's, - and since he made one into a horcrux, it's safe to assume that he did the same to the other. We think he will have acquired something of Rowena Ravenclaw's and made another. The last horcrux is the snake."
"Nagini." He said breathlessly. "Of course."
"Yes. But the problem is that we have no idea where any of the other horcruxes are, well, with the exception of Nagini, but we'll need to leave her till last. And that's why we went to the Ministry."
"The locket was in the Ministry?"
She nodded. "It's sort of a long story, but when Regulus Black betrayed You-Know-Who, he found out about the locket, and gave it to Kreacher to destroy."
"Kreacher?"
"Yep. It was in Grimmauld Place for years, but then Mundungus stole it, and ended up giving it to Umbridge."
"Umbridge?"
"Yep." She answered with a smile, seeing the chain of events as almost comical for the first time. "We went to the Ministry to get it off her."
"There was a piece of the Dark Lord's soul in the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix." Said Severus ruefully.
"It's interesting that Umbridge was drawn to such an evil object, isn't it?"
"Not really, the woman is evil."
Hermione nodded in firm agreement, shivering as she remembered the plight of the muggleborns down in the dark bowls of the Ministry.
"Do you have any idea where the others might be hidden?"
"None." She answered sadly.
"I can try and find out-"
"Severus no." She said firmly. "I want them gone, but it would be too much of a risk for you to ask."
"I wouldn't ask." He snapped. "I am not a Gryffindor."
"Severus please, we'll find them - we will - you mustn't put yourself in more danger for this."
"Destroying the horcruxes is essential for defeating the Dark Lord."
"I know. But please Severus, don't put yourself at risk. If you really think you might be able to find out safely… Just give us a chance first, we've found one, we'll be able to destroy it soon, just give us a little longer before you try anything."
He nodded grudgingly.
"Thank you."
He dropped his head and stared at their intertwined fingers.
"Severus, it's your turn."
He sighed.
"Please try not to hate me." There was something so desolate and raw in his voice she instinctively reached out a hand to touch his face.
"Severus…"
He shook her off.
"No." He said firmly, his face becoming expressionless once again. "You must listen and you must not interrupt me."
The knot in her stomach twisted and rose into her throat. "Okay." She said hoarsely.
"Shortly before his death, Dumbledore informed me of something that is pivotal to this war." He took a deep breath in and held it for a moment. "All those years ago, when the curse the Dark Lord cast rebounded, and struck him instead of Potter … part of his soul was blasted apart, and latched itself onto the only living thing in the building…"
It felt like she was falling through ice cold water, her mind understanding what was being said, and all things seemed to fade.
"…Potter is a horcrux, Hermione."
His voice seemed to come to her from a long way away, echoing strangely, and when she spoke, her voice seemed further still.
"So Harry has to die."
The worst part seemed to be how on some level, she wasn't surprised; it made perfect, logical sense.
"Yes. And the Dark Lord himself must do it, Dumbledore said that was essential."
"So we've been keeping him safe … all this time … and he has to die."
Something cold and hard burst from her chest, coursing through her like poison. She stood unknowingly, turning, and walking away from the broken man before her.
Harry had to die. Her Harry. With his messy black hair and green eyes, his ease and leadership, his awkward moments and wide smiles and fiery temper, his gentle humour and his enormous potential and endless loyalty. Her best friend. Of course she'd always known there was a chance he would die, a good chance really, but this was different. If Voldemort was to be defeated, her Harry had to die.
The grief rose into throat, burning and painful and her knees gave way as sobs ripped through her. She buried her head in her hands, her fingers grabbing at her own hair, and she gave in to her sorrow, unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to feel anything but the ground under her knees and the pain that was threatening to destroy her. Now she knew what it meant to feel as if there is a hole in one's heart. It felt like there was something black and evil growing there, poisoning every inch of her with each and every beat, making her stomach ache and her toes cold. Everything that they'd done, everything that they were doing, and all of it leading to Harry's death. Because he had to die. He had to.
She wasn't sure how much later it was that the ringing in her ears started to fade and she began to become aware of her surroundings once again. Severus was somewhere near, his voice seemed to come to her in pieces and parts, a low rumble across her senses.
"Please Hermione … please. I am so, so sorry. I didn't want to tell you … I didn't want it to be true. I have spent my life protecting the boy, and for nothing… But please … please forgive me… I cannot do this without you … You cannot know what you mean to me… Please… I need you Hermione … please forgive me…"
She pulled enough control together to peer up at him through a haze of pain. He was knelt in front of her, his hands resting on her ground by her head, and his face seemed to have fallen since she'd last seen it, sinking into deep lines of despair.
"I know it-it's not your fault." She told him, gulping for breath. "You sh-should have told me, but I … I understand w-why you didn't."
His eyes grew bright and glassy at her words, he visibly swallowed, and when she reached her arms towards him, she saw that his hands trembled as he grabbed for her, pulling her to him, and once again she slipped onto his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding on as tight as she could, as fresh tears fell from her eyes and new sobs shook her.
Slowly, she began to pull herself back together, piece by piece, because what choice did she have? She concentrated on controlling her breathing, acknowledging her pain, learning to live with it. And as she came back to herself, she noticed one of Severus' hands cradling her head, the other holding her against him. She could smell him, feel his steady breaths in and out, and she drew strength from him, until she was in control enough to sit quietly in his arms.
Something he'd said earlier caught up with her.
"I could never hate you." She said softly, and she felt him freeze. Pulling away slightly she rested her hands at the back of his neck, the doubt in his face stinging her wounded heart. "Severus I love you. You know what that means."
Another tear fell from her eye as she looked at him, and he wiped the tear away, stroking the skin of first one cheek, and then the other. He took a gasping breath in and briefly pressed his forehead to hers. When he pulled away, his face was gentle.
"Is there any way we can destroy the horcrux without hurting him?" She asked, forcing her voice to be light.
"I don't think so Hermione." He answered softly. "The basilisk venom didn't do it in his second year… Dumbledore wasn't aware of any alternative, and neither am I. The vessel must be completely destroyed, you know this."
"Yes." She replied, trying to blink away yet more tears. "But … there must be a way round it. There must be. He's my best-"
She couldn't finish her sentence. Her throat constricted and fresh tears began to fall from her eyes. She tried to turn away, but two warm hands cupped her face, rough thumb pads stroking her cheeks. She felt his lips on her forehead and the pain rose like a snake in her chest.
"Severus please…"
"I'm so sorry." He whispered, and she could feel his breath on her face. "I wish there was something I could do, I wish there was another way."
"You've spent s-so l-long protecting him."
"Indeed." He squeezed his eyes shut, and when he opened them, the pain in their depths drew her focus away from her own anguish. "I was devastated when Dumbledore told me. All these years, everything, trying to atone for the death of … Lily. Trying to repay my debt, trying to make up for all my wrongs. Protecting her son."
The grief in his voice was undeniable.
"I thought of you too, afterwards." He continued quietly. "All your kindness, and I was to send your best friend to his death."
Another tear fell from her eye, but it was soon wiped away.
"You were thinking of me, then?" She asked shyly.
"I have been thinking of you for far too long." He confessed quietly, and the small smile that turned her lips upwards felt strange and unfamiliar.
"We can try to find another way though? I know it probably won't be possible, but that doesn't mean we can't try. If you get a little time, perhaps you could research? And I have some books on horcruxes, I can read them again and see if I missed something."
"Of course we can try. But I do not want to give you false hope."
"No, I know. Thank you. And we can tell him last? There's no need for him to know until the other horcruxes are destroyed, it gives us some time."
Severus nodded.
"I don't know how I'm s-supposed to tell him-"
"Don't think of that now." He said gently. "There's plenty of time, and you've only just begun to process this. Deal with it later."
"Later." She agreed, feeling suddenly absolutely exhausted. "Severus your legs must be going dead, I'm sorry."
"If I objected I would have told you so." He informed her, saying stationary for a moment as she got up. He cast her a shy look. "Thank you."
She blinked down at him.
"What on earth for?"
She watched him go to hide his expression from her, but stop midway through, staring somewhere to the left of her eye.
"Everything… Just … everything."
Something warm finally made it through to her chest.
"You're more than welcome Severus. And thank you."
He shook his head.
"I have just informed you of something that is causing you immeasurable pain-"
"Which isn't your fault, as I've already told you." She held out her hand and helped him clumsily to his feet. "Thank you for coming here tonight, to help me when I was scared out of my mind, thank you for the potions, thank you for the best sex I think anyone's ever had, thank you for the trust you've shown in me, and thank you for your honesty. In everything. From what I know now about Harry, to the first honest conversation we ever had in the middle of the night in my 4th year. Thank you for letting me begin to know you."
He stared at her, looking a mixture of disbelieving and pleased before pleased won, and he offered her a small, honest smile, which she responded to automatically, before sobering again.
"May I … see it?" He asked.
"The horcrux? Yes of course."
She hurried into the tent and retrieved the locket, meeting Severus back by their little sofa, and handing it to him when they'd both sat down. He held it in his palm, running a long white finger over the "S", then moving it to his other hand. He shivered.
"It's horrible, isn't it?" She offered.
"Evil." He replied. "A part of the Dark Lord's soul."
His hand tuned to a fist around the thing, and she glanced up at his face, drawing in a sharp breath when she registered his expression. He was staring at it with a level of hot, burning loathing, unparalleled by anything else she'd ever seen from him. Hermione hated the locket, hated Voldemort, but somehow this was different. The hatred in his eyes was as if he was staring at a bitter, personal enemy, like an old friend or lover who has done some great evil, but more than even that. Hermione didn't think she'd ever see so much hatred from anyone else, ever again. This was what the war meant to him, this was how much he wanted to see Voldemort destroyed. And it gave her a sudden swell of motivation. She would do what needed to be done, she would make sure the horcrux was destroyed, she would make sure the others were destroyed too, she would do everything in her power to end this, for him, as well as her.
She put her hand on his leg, and he jumped slightly, looking at her with a slightly startled expression, as if he'd forgotten she was there at all.
"We'll destroy it Severus. And the others. We will."
The hard look on his face melted into something softer.
"I know." He said simply. And the implications of his words, the trust he was showing her, eased a little of the agony inside. She looked up, and smiled at him, touching his face with her fingers, then pushing gently at his shoulder, indicating he should settle back. She kept her hands to herself, but put her feet up on the sofa behind her, resting her head against his chest. He tensed, and for a moment she thought he would push her away, but time slipped by, and he began to relax, pulling her close to him with one arm, and holding her head against him with the other. It wasn't long before she began to grow heavy lidded and distant.
"You really are stuck with me Severus." She said quietly, and felt the vibration of silent laughter against her skin.
"Thank God." She heard him whisper, then sleep claimed her as it's own.
She woke a few hours later in the dark, remembering all that had happened and feeling something shatter inside, but a little less brutally than the first time. Severus' hand had slipped from cradling her head, and now rested on her shoulder. She looked up at his face and smiled as she realised he was still asleep. The pair of them were draped in a heavy blanket. Silently renewing the warming charms around them, Hermione shifted herself into a better position to look at her Slytherin. His face was peaceful in sleep. The harshness of his features softer, his body relaxed, his breathing deep and even. He looked younger too, and she wondered again just how much he was suffering at a place she had once thought of as a sanctuary.
It wasn't that much later that his eyelids began to flutter. His brows furrowed and he tensed upon waking, but then his dark eyes found hers, and when she smiled at him, he relaxed.
"Morning Severus."
"Morning."
The settled into a comfortable silence for a time, Hermione could feel his breaths in and out, and hear the beat of his heart in the position she was in. For some reason it made tears sting in her eyes, and she angrily blinked them away.
"How long do we have left?" She asked quietly.
"A couple of hours." He replied heavily. "Potter will return to the land of the living not long after that, and I will need to return to Hogwarts before everyone wakes."
She processed this sad fact in silence, then sat herself up properly.
"Severus?"
"Yes?" He answered warily.
"Please take better care of yourself." She said gently. "I know it must be awful, but you have a warm bed, a hot bath, food, and you mustn't make things harder for yourself. You've lost weight and you're obviously not sleeping much, it's bad enough thinking of you with all those people who hate you, without worrying about your eating and sleeping habits as well."
He looked away from her.
"You have lost weight too." His voice was almost sullen.
"It's hard to find food sometimes. We don't have house elves cooking for us." She'd made the comment lightly, but there was anger in Severus' face as he stood, pushing the blanket away and turning his back to her.
"Do you imagine I want a hot meal after what I have seen? What I must do?" He said quietly, his voice dangerous. "Do you imagine I can tuck myself in at night and sleep?"
"I wouldn't know." She answered carefully, ignoring the fluttering in her stomach. "You don't tell me what you see, what you must do."
His shoulders seemed to slump slightly.
"That is because I do not want to speak of it and you do not want to hear of it."
He ran a hand over his face.
Hermione stood, and walked in front of him, waiting until he made eye contact before she spoke.
"Perhaps you need to talk about it though." She said quietly, resisting the urge to throw her arms around him when he flinched. "And I think I need to know."
He let out a long, heavy sigh, then was silent. He hadn't objected, but time passed, and they had so little time that it was hard not to push him.
"The Dark Lord sent the Carrows to work at Hogwarts. He put them in charge of all discipline. They … love … discipline. Alecto teaches compulsory Muggle Studies. She informs the students that muggles are much the same as animals; savage, unintelligent and uncivilised, she teaches that the natural order of things are being reinstated. Brainwashing, is the muggle term for it, I believe. Amycus teaches what used to be Defence Against the Dark Arts. Now it is simply lessons in practising the Dark Arts. Students are made to practice Dark curses on other students, those who have earned detention. Teaching the Cruciatus Curse is one of Amycus' favourite lessons. The younger the student who is being subjected to it, the longer he likes to torture them for – to see if they will break. Any behaviour which is not in compliance with the new system is met with torture. 11 year olds are chained in the dungeons and beaten if they have not completed their homework."
There were tears in her eyes again, but she ignored them, focusing instead on the man in front of her. He was staring into the trees, his eyes had a faraway look about them, his expression was blank. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but something held her back. She balled her hands into loose fists to resist the urge.
"Those who openly rebel – Longbottom, Weasley, Lovegood, there are others too – they are treated very badly. I have tortured all 3 of them personally, and many others. I try to keep the Carrows in check, but often all I can do is ensure they don't manage to kill anyone. And they've come close on more than one occasion. I watch students fall into the clutches of Darkness, I watch it seduce them, and I can do nothing. Some are strong enough to resist, and they are brutalised for that strength. I am the figurehead of an institution that gives no child a chance. I have to pretend to support the violence, support the cruelty, support the Darkness. Everything that happens is attributed to me, and rightly so. It is a farce to pretend that I can offer anyone any sort of protection. I cannot. The best I can hope for in a day is that I do not have to use an Unforgivable on a student personally." He paused. "Forgive me for not having much of an appetite."
His shoulders slumped forward and he turned his head away from her. She lifted a hand to touch his face, but his hand shot up, his reflexes still as fast as lightening and caught her wrist, his grasp surprisingly hard.
"Have you not been listening to me?!" He snarled. "I have used the Cruciatus Curse against 3 of your close friends! Not to mention numerous innocent children!"
He pushed her hand away from him and stalked away, shrugging off Harry's coat in the process.
"Perhaps this was a mistake." He said quietly.
The grief that had been humming along under the surface of her skin turned to a raging, crippling anger in a heartbeat.
"Shut up." She said, her voice hard.
He looked at her for the first time since she had asked him to talk about Hogwarts, his eyes wide and startled.
"What did you say to me?"
"I told you to shut up." She repeated coldly. "This isn't the first time you've done this! Told me something you think is unforgivable then waited for me to – I don't know – be disgusted or angry. I never have been. I understand Severus. And I know it's hard for you to accept that because God knows you've had a shitty life, shitty people shitting all over you. But not me! I have a brain, and despite what you've spent my entire school career implying I am more than capable of using it!"
She marched over to him and put her hands on his shoulders, giving him a slight shake.
"You have to do horrible, evil things at Hogwarts. You've tortured 3 of my friends. 3 blood traitors leading a rebellion against You-Know-Who's regime with close ties to Harry Potter, Undesirable Number 1. You think I haven't thought of what might be happening to them if it wasn't for you? 2 of them are girls. I remember what you told me: 'some Death Eater's prefer rape.' That would be a pretty effective method for quashing any sort of resistance."
"You think – you think that I-"
"NO!" She shouted. "Of course I don't! But it could easily be happening. If it were Bellatrix in charge, you can't tell me that Ginny and Luna would have been brutalised beyond all recognition, you can't tell me Neville would still be alive at all! They're trying to lead a rebellion! They'd be made an example of, the Carrows would be allowed to do whatever they pleased, all the students would be far worse off and there's no way in hell Bellatrix would ever lose a single second of sleep over any of it."
She took a deep breath, staring into Severus' wide eyes and wishing she could read something off him. More calmly, she continued,
"It is terrible that those things are happening, it's terrible that my friends are getting hurt, it's terrible that you have to be a part of what's happening, but I am so grateful that you're there. You gave the three of them detention with Hagrid when they broke into your office! I wish you weren't there for your sake, but you're the reason the students, my friends, are still alive and relatively sane. With the possible exception of Luna."
He looked away, but she caught the beginnings of a smirk around his mouth and almost sighed with relief that she might finally be getting through to him.
"The students are having a hideous time. But it would be far worse if you weren't there. Please don't insinuate that I am too stupid to realise that."
"That wasn't my intention." He said quietly, still facing the ground. "I just struggle to believe that you could forgive me, when I …"
He glanced at her for a moment, and something sharp pierced her heart when she saw the gleam in his eyes.
"when I cannot forgive myself." He finished, his voice barely above a whisper.
Hermione squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, desperately trying to control her emotions. Then she gently cupped one of his cheeks with her palm, bringing his face up to look at her. After a few seconds, she could feel him leaning into her touch, then his hand came up and covered hers, pushing her hand against his face more firmly.
"There is always another way. But this is the best one." She told him quietly, repeating his words from many months ago.
Severus let out a rough laugh, leaning down and pushing his forehead against hers, his free hand on her face. He took a shuddering breath in, then seemed to relax slightly.
They stayed that way for a time, heads pressed together, hearts aching. Hermione wished they had longer, there was so much more she wanted to say to him, so much she wanted to convince him of, but there simply wasn't the time. They'd weathered two huge crises together and she wasn't sure if either of them could cope with much more. She had a feeling that the conversation she wanted to have about her Severus being a good person would be a long one, littered with issues.
A little while later he sighed, and more tension seemed to drain from him.
"Thank the Lord for insufferable know-it-alls." He said dryly, and she felt a smile sweeping onto her face.
"Thank the Lord for wonderful, bastard Potion Masters." She responded.
"My parents were married when I was born." He said sardonically.
She laughed, pulling herself away from him with difficulty, and straightening the collar of his robes.
"You'd better be going soon Severus." She said.
"Yes." He agreed. "I do not want to leave."
"You must." She held back tears. "I'll be fine."
"I suppose relocating to a faraway country is not an option?"
Hermione smiled.
"When this is over, perhaps."
He nodded, a doubtful look sweeping over his features.
"I wish you didn't have to go back there Severus."
"As do I." He responded, his voice subdued. "But I have been informed by someone with above-average intelligence that it is the best option."
"That sounds like someone with intelligence vastly above average to me."
"Perhaps." He smirked, then his face turned serious. "I will try to … be better."
"Thank you."
She took his face in her hands and kissed him. It was a long, slow kiss, speaking of caring and sorrow, promises and fears.
"I love you." She whispered, her voice hoarse with unshed tears.
He grabbed her arms and pinned her with his piecing stare.
"You must be safe." He said fiercely. "You must be safe and well. Please Hermione. Please keep yourself safe."
He enfolded her into a tight embrace, which she returned without hesitation, bunching his robes at the bottom of his back with her fists.
"I'll try." She told him. "I promise."
And then he released her, turning and stalking away. When he was outside of her wards, he turned and stared at her, it couldn't have been for long, but each second felt like the sweetest agony. A hunted look entered his eyes, but before she had a chance to try and interpret it, he had turned, and left her.
It was a while later that Hermione had stopped crying enough to Vanish the sofa, and ensure all traces of anything abnormal were gone. The locket was lying on the grass, discarded by the sofa. She picked it up and looked at it, Severus had been holding it a few hours ago… She shook her head and put it her bag, dreading the next time she would have to wear it, given what she knew now. She sighed and thought of Severus. He'd be back in the Headmaster's quarters by now. She sighed again, thinking of how miserable his existence was, and all to protect a bunch of ungrateful students.
Then Harry started moaning again, the Dreamless Sleep finally wearing off, and for a while all her focus was on mercifully on the present.
I'm back :) Sorry it's been so long - exams literally almost killed me, it took me a while to fully recover, my brain felt like a marshmallow. Anyway hope you like this chapter, it's a pretty intense one so I really hope I've done it justice.
I'm not going to announce a time frame for posting new chapters because my workload this semester is huge - lab reports, coursework, critical reviews and midterms as well as the usual stuff. I am NOT abandoning this story, it will just be a little longer between updates. I wish I didn't have to make it longer but I need a good degree ;)
Thank you for reading and sticking with my lil story - it makes me very happy.
And to those who used to review regularly - I hope you're still enjoying it :)
Andie x