Chapter Thirty-Seven: Giving Up
The fact was that nobody, Amity included, had the slightest idea of what to do with Naoki. This resulted in Matsuda being selected to take Naoki home, and then bring him back to headquarters the next morning, while Amity thought over what was to be done.
Matsuda thought that he had mostly mastered the art of driving with bandaged hands by this time, although given his recent development of a short attention span while driving, it was a wonder he hadn't driven into a wall yet.
The black-haired man trotted up the stairs to Naoki's apartment, hoping that his younger friend would be in a better mood this morning. Last night…last night, Naoki had almost scared him the way he talked.
He knocked softly on the door, then waited for a moment. No response. He knocked again, with similar results.
Matsuda started to feel nervous.
"Where is he? Why isn't he answering the door?"
He twisted the doorknob, expecting the door to be locked…but to his surprise, it opened.
"That's really weird…" Matsuda thought, pushing the door open, "Did something happen…?"
He didn't want to let himself believe that anything could have happened to Naoki, but, after all that had happened, he couldn't deny that his friend might be hurt…and he wouldn't let himself think about the rest of the possibilities.
"Hello?" he said, cautiously stepping inside, "Naoki? Are you here? It's me. Matsuda."
The entire apartment was completely dark…and Matsuda was starting to think, empty.
He started to panic ever so slightly, running through all the possible things that could have happened.
But he didn't even consider one of the possibilities until he hesitantly pushed the door of Naoki's bedroom open. At first, he thought Naoki was still asleep…until he realized that his friend wasn't breathing…until he saw the empty pill bottle on his friend's bedside table.
And then he knew exactly what had happened, because hadn't he tried to do the same thing once before? And the only reason he hadn't done it was a combination of the unwitting intervention of Sayu Yagami, and the once bothersome Aizawa, who had watched over him when everyone else seemed to have forgotten.
And he hadn't been there to help. He hadn't realized exactly what Naoki had been saying last night.
"Look… Matsu… Whatever happens, it won't be your fault, okay?"
But it was his fault, because he hadn't been there. He hadn't seen the signs…signs he should have recognized immediately, because he'd thought about doing the same thing only a few weeks ago.
As far as he was concerned, everything was his fault. And he felt completely justified in feeling that way, standing there, and knowing that Naoki, who had almost been Shinta's second victim, and had barely escaped, was dead anyway.
Amity wasn't sure that she could handle any more bad news, but when she saw the look on Gevanni's face as he burst into her room, she got the feeling she would need to.
"What's wrong?" she asked, trying to keep calm, because Gevanni appeared to be shocked enough for both of them.
"Matsuda called…he says Naoki…" Gevanni paused, his pale eyes darting nervously around, looking anywhere but at Amity, "Naoki…"
"Gevanni," Amity said, "Calm down. What's wrong with Naoki?"
"He…he's…dead," Gevanni mumbled.
"Dead?" Amity echoed. The girl was thankful that she was already sitting down-if she hadn't been, she might have collapsed. She was already overwhelmed by everything that had happened, and this sudden development was not helping.
"What happened?" she asked, "Did Matsuda say?"
"Suicide," Gevanni mumbled, "Or at least Matsuda thinks so. I don't know…I'm pretty sure he was crying while he was talking to me…"
The black-haired man looked down.
"Didn't think Naoki would do that," he said quietly, "He seemed really…really nice and…happy. But then…I can kinda understand the feeling."
"I didn't think he would either…" Amity murmured. She felt as if she had completely withdrawn from the world. Like maybe this wasn't real…like she had just imagined it…
"I noticed Naoki was depressed yesterday," she thought, "But I had no idea it was this serious… Is it my fault? If I had insisted on keeping him here for the night…"
"Amity?" Gevanni said, "What do we do?"
He said it as if he had completely forgotten how to make a suggestion. As if he has given up even trying to think about everything that had happened to them, and he was just hoping that Amity-the all knowing Amity, who had decided that she really didn't know that much at all-had some solution.
"Rester and I will go to Naoki's apartment," Amity said, "You can…"
She glanced at Gevanni. After everything that had happened-and especially after what had happened the day before-she wasn't sure whether he could handle the strain of going with them to Naoki's apartment. She knew Matsuda would be upset, and she still didn't know exactly how well Gevanni was coping with this new development…
"If you think you're up to it, Gevanni, you can come with us," she said, "Or, you can stay here. I'll call Mogi and Callie, they can come and keep you company."
Gevanni looked slightly comforted by this statement.
"Thanks, Amity," he said, "I think maybe I better stay here… Uh…are you gonna be okay?"
"Yes, thank you," Amity said, although she was quite certain that she would not be all right at all.
When Rester and Amity arrived at Naoki's apartment, Amity finally decided to take charge. She really couldn't avoid it; Rester was standing right there, waiting for her orders.
"I assume Matsuda will have been too upset to make the necessary calls," she said, "Can you see to it, Rester?"
"I can," Rester said, "Where are you going?"
"I am going to go speak to Matsuda," Amity said.
"And by speak to him, I mean attempt to convince him that he's not the one to blame. If anyone is to blame…it's me. I probably drove Naoki to this, shutting him away from everyone for so long, and letting Aizawa tell everyone what he had done. We should have agreed to keep the secret between Matsuda, Aizawa, Naoki, and myself."
The first thing that Amity noticed when she entered the apartment was that it was completely dark inside.
"He hasn't even thought to turn on the lights…" she thought, "This is not good. Matsuda…I hope you're still thinking rationally enough not to do anything foolish."
"Matsuda?" she said, "It's Amity. Are you all right?"
A muffled sob that might have been interpreted as a no came from the bedroom.
Amity sighed.
"He really is crying… For once, Gevanni was not exaggerating."
The girl stepped into the bedroom, and saw Matsuda sitting on the floor, staring at the far wall.
"Matsuda," she said, "Stop zoning out."
"Leave me alone, Amity," Matsuda mumbled, "I don't want your help or your pitiful argument that it's not my fault, which I'm sure you have probably prepared a four page essay on."
"Sarcasm is most unlike you," Amity said, "I'm not completely certain I like it."
She knew that it wasn't the most sensitive thing to say, but what was there to say, really? Naoki was dead, and Matsuda was blaming himself…again.
"No matter what Near says, no matter what Matsuda is capable of, he's still fragile. Some people would harden because of all of this…but Matsuda…Matsuda is broken. And I am starting to fear that Sayu Yagami is the only one who can take the pieces and put them back together…and that perhaps it is only a matter of time before Matsuda cannot keep his secret. And if he loses Sayu…I fear what will become of him."
Amity paused.
"Strange… I have only known him for a few weeks, but I already fear for him. This case has changed so much…I now want to protect other people besides Near…people whose safety I cannot guarantee."
"Matsuda…" she said, and then fell silent. There was nothing to say.
Matsuda looked up at her, making no attempt to conceal his tears.
"I'm scared," he whispered, "I'm really scared now. If this could make Naoki crazy…crazy enough to kill himself when he was such a nice person…a better person than I could ever be…if this could be enough to get Ide and Lidner killed…what hope do any of us have?"
"We'll survive," Amity said, "We've survived too much to give up now."
"Is it worth it?" Matsuda asked, "Is it? Is a case like this worth getting so many people killed?"
"Snap out of it already!" Amity yelled. She was shocked by her own words, but she couldn't stop. They came too quickly.
"Ide was murdered, Naoki was driven to suicide, Lidner sacrificed herself for this case, and Aizawa's in critical condition! Not to mention the fact that several people on this case will never recover from what they've seen…what they now blame themselves for. Do you want their sacrifices to be in vain? You can't quit, Matsuda! We're going to catch Shinta and make him pay! I promise you, I won't rest until Shinta is behind bars. Whatever you do, I will stay on this case, and I believe the others will too."
"Yeah…but…" Matsuda whispered, "I don't want to watch you guys die."
"That's why you have to be there," Amity said, "Callie has Mogi, Rester and Gevanni and I have each other…but Sayu only has you. It's your duty to protect her. You practically brought her back from the dead, so let's keep her alive, shall we?"
"Who told you?" Matsuda asked.
"Mogi did," Amity said, "He thought that if things got really bad, someone might need to remind you that you're capable of achieving wonderful things. Never forget it."
Well, sorry about the unexpected long break there! I could list my excuses...but I get the feeling you're probably going to kill me for this chapter, so...I won't even start. However, I've decided that I'm not going to try updating every two days anymore. It's really stressed me out, and due to some things that have happened in my life, I need to use my computer time for other things as well. But don't worry, this will still be updated at least once or twice a week. :)