Epilogue: Mea Maxima Culpa

Clary wrapped her jacket tightly around her as she looked out at the garden that sat across the looming fasade of the New York Institute. She shivered from the cold before she turned away from the open window and sat at the foot of her bed. The cold autumn air blew into her room, clearing the musty air in the rectangular room and replacing it with a crisp atmosphere.

She felt lonely, a presence that had loomed around her for the past couple of days she had been stuck in here. But within that loneliness, there was a small almost unnoticeable flicker of relief.

That was the flipside to the isolation, she decided. It gave her time to think, to ponder over things that had happened in the last week.

Clary had never been one to think or go into deep thought about things. She had always acted first and thought about the consequences of her actions later. She wasn't like warrior Jace who strategized every single move he made before he did it.

She was more like devil-may-care Jace who threw himself in the path of danger without thinking of the consequences or dangers except she didn't have a death wish as big as Jace's. She wasn't raised a Shadowhunter that was taught ever since from a young age that every move and every decision had its consequences whether good or bad.

She remembered what Isabelle had said to her once.

You're Clary Fray. You go charging into every situation without knowing how the hell it's going to turn out, and then you get through with sheer guts and craziness.

She recalled the whole of last week and she remembered how it felt to not know Jace and Isabelle and Simon and Alec and not recognize them. It seemed like such an impossible thing - her forgetting and not knowing them but she had.

She stared at the blank white wall that sat across her bed, the same one she had been staring at for the last two days. Ever since they got back from Ireland, after the Silent Brothers had treated her wounds, she had been locked in this room, unable to leave it though it was unlocked, occasionally getting visits from several Silent Brothers who commenced to running tests on her, to check for any side effects on the rune she had drawn and for any remaining Blocks in her mind.

She was also visited by members of the Clave who had interrogated her on her time with Keayla and in Ireland. When she had requested for Jace and Isabelle and Simon and even once, Alec, the Silent Brother that stood outside her door, guarding it at this very moment would tell her that no one but Silent Brothers and Council members could see her at the moment.

She leaned back, her back lying on the bed while her legs hung over the sides and closed her eyes and tried to remember what had happened after she had blacked out upon arriving in Los Angeles so many months ago.

It turned out that what Clary told Jace about remembering everything hadn't been particularly true. Over the past two days, she found that certain memories were fuzzy and when she tried to remember clearly, she would end up with two or more versions of the memory.

She had a faint idea which of the versions was the real one but sometimes she found herself confused.

She opened her eyes and stared at the roof of her room, watching the small particles of dust float through the air.

An image of Jace kissing Colette flashed in her mind and Clary grimaced, as if that image affected her physically. In a way, it did by making her stomach churn and tears prickling in her eyes.

Deep down, she know she couldn't hold Jace fully responsible and target all her anger at him. For almost a year, he had thought her dead. Everyone had. She couldn't blame him for moving on. If she were truly dead, she wouldn't have wanted Jace to cling on to her. But what she was mad at him was for the fact that he kissed her while he was, in what Clary guessed, a love-hate relationship with Colette.

The other thing she was mad about was that out of all 7 billion people in the world (or at least among all the women in the 7 billion population), Jace had to choose Colette of all people.

She did not like Colette and her working with her sadistic mother who had caused her so much pain and so much trauma did not make her like her any more.

Groaning in frustration, she sat up and glared at the closed door of her room.

"Brother Abraham, let me out!" Clary groaned. Silence replied to her as usual and she groaned again. She got up, went over to her nightstand and swung her leg forward in frustration. Her leg went through the wood of her nightstand, creating a small hole. She looked at the hole she had created in satisfaction before flinging herself back onto her bed, lying on her side, her back facing the door.

She wanted to get out of here and help look for Sarrah. She hated feeling so helpless.

She heard her door creak open and the almost inaudible rustle of a Silent Brother's robes as he walked in.

Someone is here to see you, Clarissa Fairchild.

She heard the voice of the Silent Brother in her mind though there was no sound.

"If it's another council member, ask him to go away. I don't feel too well." Clary muttered. For a moment, she considered making a run for it but knew she wouldn't even make it past the doorframe. She heard the door shut and she felt the presence of another person in the room, watching her.

"Please just leave me alone," Clary said.

"I expected a much more warm welcome, being the first non-interrogative, extremely good looking company you've had in two days. Maybe even a little hallelujah or kumbaya chorus."

Clary sat up so fast her head spun.

Jace stood at the foot of her bed, not smiling. He was wearing a grey shirt and faded black jeans, the bruises on his arms and jaw already fading into yellow blossoms that blended into his skin. His hair was tousled, sticking up in curls as if he had ran his hand through them many times.

"Hi," she said, surprised that he was actually standing in this room with her. He was not looking at her but something beside her.

"What universal, terminal wrongness has the nightstand, a complete inanimate object with a horrible color matching to the entire room, committed towards you that had deserved a - what I suspect - roundhouse kick?"

"I was frustrated." Clary said slowly, watching Jace.

"Well, you didn't have to murder the furniture."

She still couldn't believe he was here with her. "How did you ...?"

Jace shrugged. "Having killer charms and amazing earth shattering good looks help."

Clary tucked a strand of hair behind her ear awkwardly. "And here I thought the Silent Brothers were asexual, even to Herondale charms."

The corner of Jace's mouth twitched slightly before it broke into a small smile. She loved that she still had the ability to catch Jace off guard with her retorts.

Seeing Jace now, she felt a flurry of mixed emotions. Anger, guilt, love …

She felt so, so guilty for putting Jace through so many things. She had forgotten him and she had hurt him, over and over. First with him thinking that she was dead and then her hurting him again when she couldn't remember him, when she had treated him like a danger and letting him see her so broken ...

She was about to open her mouth to apologize when Jace cut her off with something unexpected.

"You want to get out of here?"

Clary blinked. "Can we? I mean - well," Clary shut herself up before smiling. "Yeah."

She took Jace's outstretched hand, feeling the warm skin beneath hers. His hand was warmer than she remembered.

He opened her door and Clary was surprised to see that Brother Abraham was not stationed in front of her door, ready to send her back into room arrest.

"Where are we going?"

Jace rubbed soothing circles on her hand with his thumb. "The greenhouse."

There was something tense about his posture, about the way how his shoulders looked so taut as he walked. He also looked distracted and felt so - distant. The thought put a lump in her throat and she felt the sudden strong urge to cry.

"Are you okay, Jace?" Clary said several long agonizing minutes.

He looked at her, looking as if he was caught off guard with her question. His composure returned almost immediately and he gave her a reassuring smile. "Yeah, I'm fine." he said. If Clary didn't know him so well, she would have believed the calm fasade he had on and mistook the hardness in his eyes for annoyance instead of doubt.

The walk to the greenhouse seemed much shorter than Clary remembered. He opened the door for her and Clary stepped in, the muted clean, intoxicating smell of overturned soil and flowers enveloping her. She inhaled deeply, immediately feeling more relaxed.

"I thought maybe you'd want a change in scenery." Jace said, sounding very close though his voice was quiet. "And I thought maybe we could talk."

He led her through the wall of green, pushing enormous leaves of tropical trees out of the way. She ducked under several low hanging branches and leaves while she heard Jace curse softly, probably getting hit with a branch he didn't notice.

Clary felt Jace take her hand and pull her through. He led her to one of the marble benches that overlooked the city. The sun was setting, lighting the sky with slight streaks of pink and orange.

Jace pulled her down beside him and she leaned back against the chair, feeling her shoulderblades prickle with pain. Her back became rigid as she fought back against the rising hiss on her lips.

She knew that the wounds on her shoulder blades would never heal completely and would always hurt along with the shallow cut on her cheek and waist that were left by demon metal.

She leaned against Jace's side instead, feeling more safe than she had ever felt in a long, long time.

He stiffened for a moment before he relaxed against her, circling his arms around her body and pulling her closer. He seemed very careful not to touch her upper back.

"I'm sorry. It's just that it's been so long since I last held you like this." Jace said quietly, nuzzling his cheek in her hair. She relaxed further into him, resting her head on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of it under her cheek and listening to the unique beating of his heart in his chest.

"It's beautiful," she whispered, gazing at the sunset streaks that painted the sky.

Jace said nothing. He sat quietly beside Clary, one of his hands playing with her hair as he twirled a lock in between his fingers.

"How's Jem?" Clary murmured, doodling idly on Jace's lap.

"Recovering. And organizing with the Silent Brothers." Jace said, slight amusement in his voice.

"Organizing?"

"His wedding." Jace said and Clary could almost hear him roll his eyes. "He woke up this morning and more or less convinced Tessa to get married with him as possible, pulling out A Thousand And One Reasons To Get Married Now. 'I can't wait any longer', 'I'll keep my promise to you', 'I love you,' etcetera."

Clary couldn't help but smile. She had been so relieved when Robert, who had been the first council member to visit her, had told her that the Silent Brothers had managed to save Jem and he was resting and though he had lost a lot of blood, he was fine. Magnus had managed to lessen the blood that was flowing out from his wound and had slipped Jem into a sort of relaxed state so that his blood wouldn't pump and flow as fast.

She looked up at him and saw that Jace was staring sightlessly out the window.

"Jace," Clary said. He didn't reply or even notice that she had called him. "Jace," she said, a little more loudly. She detached herself from him to look at him better.

"Hmm?"

"Jace, tell me what wrong." Clary said, almost pleading.

"Nothing," he murmured, stroking her cheek.

Clary wanted to slap him. Did he really think she wouldn't notice? Or had they really grown so far apart - had he already moved on - that he wouldn't share his troubles with her?

She looked away from him, feeling her throat tighten and tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. Her heart lurched painfully in her chest.

"Clary," he whispered. Underneath the sadness of his tone, Clary could hear the simmering self hatred.

She looked at him, her lips trembling. "I'm sorry, Jace."

Confusion fluttered across his face but she didn't give him a chance to speak. "I'm sorry that I couldn't remember, that I hurt you again and again. I should have remembered - I know that it's so wrong that I could ever forget you but I did. I hate that I can't seem to stop hurting you. I left you for a year. And I just can't stop thinking that I've hurt you, Isabelle, Simon and Alec and Mom and Luke and I didn't care. All of you could have gotten killed when you went after me."

By now, Clary was close to tears as she used every ounce of self control to keep the tears in. "And I understand that you've moved on and I don't blame you if you want nothing to do with me anymore but I will always be there for you and you can tell me anything."

Jace stared at her as if she had grown an extra head or recited an entire chapter of the Codex in pig Latin.

She felt a tear slide down her cheek as she waited for Jace to say something. Anything.

After a minute of silence, Jace finally spoke.

"Clary, are you really saying sorry to me for something you were not responsible for?" Jace said quietly, wiping the tear away. "I could never get angry at you, Clary - well, not without a fair share of self hatred for myself, of course. I love you too much. All those things - you forgetting and being scared of me and getting kidnapped - were not your fault. Sarrah had done them and trust me when I say I'd walk through hell to save you."

Jace's arms went around her as he hugged her to his chest. She felt the muscles in his arms flex as he pulled her onto his lap. His movements were gentle that when his hand brushed against her shoulder blades, she didn't feel a thing. She felt his lips against her hair and the waterworks started again as one or two tears slipped past her closed eyelids.

She missed him. God, she missed him.

The scent of cotton and detergent and, somehow, sunshine, stuck to Jace as she buried her head into his shoulder. He held her in his arms as she cried, occasionally nuzzling his cheek and lips into her hair. A show of affection so small but it sent Clary's heart into a frenzy.

Jace pulled back to look at Clary, his eyes soft and brimming with his own tears. In a much more softer, rougher voice, Jace whispered the words that mended her cracking heart. "And in what universe or dimension - hell, in what reality would I ever not love you. There will never be a day when I'm over you and there will never be a day when my love for you stops growing."

"I love you so much and I don't know if it's possible for someone to love someone this much. From the moment I met you, Clary, I couldn't take my eyes of you. In that first glance, you stole whatever part of me that didn't belong to Alec and Max and Isabelle. I told myself it was ridiculous because you were a mundane and no girl had ever captured my interest and I told myself I didn't care but again and again, I wanted to protect you from even the slightest dangers and murder Simon for being so near to you. And I'm ranting now because for the first time, words have failed to describe just how much I love you."

Gently as if she were porcelain, Jace wiped her tears away, his eyes burning as they gazed like two flames that stared past her eyes and into her soul.

"I will love you even if the past changes, I love you no matter what happens now and I will love you when the world fades away."

Clary buried her face into his chest, her eyes closed as she felt contented at being held by Jace, her heart swelling up and aching at the amount of love she felt for him. It was moments like this that required Clary to take a double take on her life.

No way was this extraordinary boy hers. He was too perfect and beautiful - inside and out - for him to belong to her. Clary had done nothing to deserve someone as beautiful as Jace yet he never disappeared or faded away like a mirage.

Jace stroked her hair as he held her, not saying anything but occasionally, she felt soft lips press onto her head.

When he did speak, the small ball of doubt in her chest dissolved. "I will always tell you everything that's wrong. It's just that I've gone out of practice in telling people my problems for about a year now and saying 'nothing' and 'I'm fine' is kind of a habit." Jace tried to half smile but it was a futile attempt as the cracks in his matter-of-a-fact fasade were showing. "It's a crap excuse but that's all I can say."

"It's okay. I believe you. I'm sorry," Clary apologized again, this time for causing Jace's walls to build back when she was gone. She hated herself for it.

"What - "

"I have my reasons." Clary said quickly, cutting him off. "But could you tell me what's wrong now?"

Jace sighed. "A lot of things. Do you know why I knew the dungeons so well?" Before Clary could reply, he laughed bitterly before speaking again. "When I was under Sebastian's control, he took me there and we planned and got the soldiers ready there. It was convenient, being near the Burren. And whatever that's coming, I know it has something to do with Sebastian."

"It does. In my dream, Jonathan told me he was sorry that he was still messing up my life even after he was dead. Maybe Sarrah's continuing his plans? Maybe expanding them?"

Jace looked at her, his eyes studying her face. "Maybe. But Sarrah may have her own ideas going on. Sebastian never said anything about The Great Darkness to me so I assume that's all Sarrah. Maybe she's just using what Sebastian did as a foundation."

He lapsed into silence, his fingers unconsciously playing with her hair.

"And something else happened too. When that rune exploded I felt as if the Heavenly Fire was burning me again and I felt as if I was going to die. It did something to me, Clary. I hear things - voices in my head. Before I go to sleep … sometimes they wake me up. Anytime of the day, really."

"What do they say?" Clary asked, her eyebrows scrunching up in worry. She was afraid this was the second coming of what had happened with Lilith.

"My name. And sometimes yours or Alec or Isabelle's. That's all they're saying for now."

Jace's voice was shaky and her heart leaped out for him. "Jace. It's gonna be alright. We'll get through this together. Like we always have." Clary said in her most gentle voice. Jace seemed to relax.

Clary sighed and let her head fall against his shoulder.

"I never kissed Colette." Jace said as he drew circles on her arm.

Clary looked up at him, surprised by his sudden words.

"What?"

"I said, I never kissed Colette. She kissed me. I never returned the kiss." he said, shifting uncomfortably, not looking at her.

"Really?" Clary said, the corners of her mouth pulling into a small smile. Seeing Jace squirm was priceless. She could feel the surprise and complete relief running through her but she kept it inside her.

He didn't kiss Colette. He didn't kiss her! Clary mentally broke into an Irish jig.

"It was disgusting." Jace murmured, his mouth pulling into a slight grimace.

"Really?" Clary said again. "How so? Colette seems … plenty experienced."

Jace finally looked at her, the light in his dimmed and molten. "She isn't you."

"You know, when you kissed me, back in London, technically, it was Clary Ashworth's first kiss. So technically, you stole my first kiss. Twice." Clary murmured against his chest.

"I'm a rebel." Jace breathed.

Clary laughed lightly and it felt so good to laugh. It was like a weight was lifted off her chest and shoulders and she could breathe.

"Isabelle," Jace said in surprise.

Clary turned her head and was surprised to see Isabelle standing in front of them, her eyes troubled. Her very long legs were sheathed in jeans and she wore a black lace tank top and see through rayon cardigan.

"Hey." Isabelle murmured before her gaze shifted to Jace. "Can I talk to her? In private?"

"Aren't you allergic to practically half of the greenhouse?" Jace asked incredulously, ignoring her question.

Isabelle rolled her eyes. "Yes. But that's beside the point. I really need to talk to Clary."

Jace sighed. "Fine." He shifted out from under Clary so she was now sitting on the marble bench, leaning down to press his lips other forehead before walking away. She craned her head around, watching him leave.

"Oh, Jace, Alec wants to speak to you. Apparently, he's been wanting to speak with you for the last two days." Isabelle said to Jace's back. He made no move to show that he had heard or acknowledged Isabelle's sentence but Clary knew he did.

When Jace disappeared through the foliage, she turned to look at Isabelle who was smiling at her softly.

"So … what do you want to talk about?"

For a moment, Clary was thrown back in time and remembered when she was attacked in the same place she was in now by -

Clary cut off her thoughts. That had been Fria.

"How's your arm?" she asked, looking at her arm through the see through sleeve of her cardigan.

"It's fine." Isabelle sat beside Clary. "I'm glad you're back. And I mean the real you."

"I am too. Isabelle, I'm so - "

"I'm pretty sure Jace just gave you a whole 'you don't have to apologize speech' and don't make me give you another one." Isabelle said, looking at Clary meaningfully. Clary realized that Isabelle was fidgeting.

"Is everything fine?" Clary asked, worried. Isabelle never fidgeted.

Isabelle looked at Clary, her eyes racked with guilt. "Mom brought up our parabatai connection."

"Oh." A ball was stuck in her throat at this.

"And she was talking about the ritual."

Clary could tell this wasn't going to go very well.

"She asked me when would I like to arrange a date for the ritual...And the thing is - I don't think I want to be anyone's parabatai."

Clary looked at her, not sure what Isabelle was trying to say. "So, you're telling me that you don't want to be parabatai?"

"I don't want to be anyone's." Isabelle said, her eyes wide. She wasn't wearing any make up, making Isabelle look so much younger, so much more vulnerable.

"When I first thought you were dead, when my rune became inactive, it was the worst feeling ever. I felt as if I was dead inside for the first six months. I couldn't function properly, I couldn't think, I couldn't sleep and I felt empty, Clary. I love you but I just can't ever go through that again. I've learnt to live with the emptiness but I can't go through that six months again. And I always knew that us becoming parabatai was...not exactly wrong because that would be offensive but it wasn't wholly right." Her eyes were pleading, begging for Clary's understanding.

"I don't think I knew or understood what a huge thing parabatai is when I agreed to it. I understood the system to it - how it worked, what happens when you have a parabatai but I didn't understand the sacrifices it came with. I knew of the pros but I didn't know how heavy the cons were. And I know you hate me now but - "

"I don't."

Isabelle opened her mouth, closed it, opened again before closing it. She looked at Clary with skepticism in her eyes. "That was not the reaction or answer I was expecting. I had more of a flip-the-table and backhand reaction in mind."

"In a way, I know what you mean. I know how you feel. I never understood why but when I was with mu - Keayla - I felt lost and sometimes I felt so...detached and it wasn't because of the lack of memories. I still feel it, in the back of my mind and it's a sucky feeling." Clary said, almost saying mum when she was mentioning Keayla. "I'm not happy that I'm going to have to feel this for the rest of my life but I understand that you wouldn't want to go through that again. Seeing that once again, my mortality bar has been raised so high it's almost badass."

Clary couldn't help the smile that spread across her face at her own joke.

"But you don't have to feel it for the rest of your life. I do know someone that had always been destined to be your parabatai even before you both were born. Make the right choice this time and be his parabatai."

There was something funny about Isabelle's sentence but all Clary could do was look at her in shock. "What?"

Her mind raced with questions. "Can Shadowhunters do that?"

Isabelle shrugged. "Nothing like this has ever happened before. It could be possible. The magic Sarrah used is unique. The Silent Brothers aren't very happy that this is so foreign to their knowledge."

She would ask Jace and Maryse and Simon about this later.

"You wouldn't mind?" Clary asked, giving Isabelle a sideway glance.

"Why would I?" Isabelle said. "If anything, it gives me some security that you won't ever be able to date Simon."

Clary gawked at Isabelle. She couldn't still think that way of her and Simon, could she?

Isabelle burst of laughing. "I'm kidding! By the Angel, you should have seen your face!"

Clary wanted to roll her eyes but instead she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Isabelle laughed and slung an arm over Clary's shoulder, pulling her against Isabelle's side.

Something in her peripheral vision caught her attention. It was a bird, flapping it's wings unsteadily as if it were injured. It looked like a raven but Clary couldn't see exactly from where she sat. It carried something in its talons as it flew right for the greenhouse.

"What's that?" Clary wondered, standing up and taking a few steps forward for a closer look. A normal bird wouldn't be flying straight for the glass windows and be carrying something as of it were a messenger.

Isabelle followed her gaze and stood up, her whip uncoiling from her wrist and trailing to the ground, her posture rigid and ready.

"What is that?" Isabelle murmured, narrowing her eyes.

The raven suddenly tucked and wrapped it's wings around itself and barreled itself towards the window like a torpedo. It then started spinning like a screwball before it slammed itself against the window, surprisingly making the thick glass crack.

The sickening sound of the raven thumping against the hard, thick glass as it hit it made Clary and Isabelle jump back slightly, a gasp escaping Clary's lips. Miraculously, it didn't seem to be injured as the raven reared back before launching itself at the window again.

This time, the raven created a hole the size of a fist in the glass as it shattered inwards, making small shards of glass fall to the ground. The bird clawed at the hole and dropped the object it had been holding in its talons through it.

It turned to a rolled up piece of parchment. It bounced when it hit the ground and rolled to Clary's shoe. The bird made an unpleasant scratchy noise before it flew away.

Isabelle swooped down before Clary could and picked up the rolled up parchment, acting as if it were a poisonous, deadly creature. She unrolled it and Clary watched as her eyes narrowed to slits.

"What is it?" Clary said, peering at it.

It seemed to be a letter with airy, spidery handwriting across it.

Clary felt her stomach churn at the words on the letter as Isabelle cursed softly.

Dearest Clarissa,

I am rather disappointed that I will have to hold off our next meeting as your surprise back up threw me quite off for a moment there, you naughty girl. You'll be pleased to know that I am not mad as things will be back on schedule soon. I suggest you spend your remaining days (or weeks as it all depends, my dear) of freedom well. As when the wheels start to turn, you'll have none.

Always watching, Sarrah Ravenshade.

~ END OF BOOK ONE ~

A/N - Yes, I am planning on writing a sequel but I don't know when I'll start posting it as I want to make sure I have it all planned out first. Anyway, thank you so much to all my lovely readers! You are literally the best! And sorry for all the pain I've put you through ;P

Bye! xxxxxx