You guys are so wonderful and supportive. None of this would be possible without your encouragement. To bpbookworm - Thanks, I fixed it ;)
This is the last official chapter, however, there will be an epilogue. So stay tuned :)
- Cat
Chapter 36
Before We Fall (Sirius)
The first thing Sirius noticed was the absence of pain. He felt…untouched. Brand new.
The second thing Sirius was aware of was the air.
It smelled sweet, like grass and earthiness and dew. So he breathed it in… somehow. He must have a body then. Again, he inhaled deeper, relishing it. Breath unlabored by weariness.
Sound, little compressions of atmosphere. The sound of breathing. That was a good sound.
Opening his eyes took a long time, but he was not in a hurry. Through dark lashes, he observed the stars above. They were so close, he swore he could touch them. He lifted one hand without any resistance, but he knew at once that it was futile. The stars were just brighter here.
"I tried too."
He was not alone. Sirius turned his head. Blades of grass came into focus. And sitting cross-legged in the grass was… Peter.
His head was tilted back. Moonlight caught his pale eyes and hair, illuminated his profile. He was younger.
"Peter?"
Speaking came easily too.
But seeing Peter did not.
Physical pain did not exist. Inside Sirius was a cauldron of woundedness.
"Hello Sirius," Peter said quietly. He studied the moon, full and bright.
"You left."
And Sirius found that his anger was no longer there to anchor him. Without it he felt adrift.
"Yes."
"I hated you."
"Do you still?"
Sirius did not know the answer to this question. Instead he looked away. They were sitting in a meadow of sweet grass, turned blue in the night. The moon was round, her reflection sparkling in the broad lake. Trees were surrounded them and up on the hill, Sirius could see the silhouette of the castle. Somehow, despite their proximity to Hogwarts, Sirius knew that he and Peter were the only ones for miles. Perhaps the only people at all.
Everything was blanketed in utter peace. Insects and creatures crooned in unhurried voices and the lake lapped gently at the pebbly shore. The stillness was like tasting fresh air for the first time.
Only then did the thought occur to Sirius.
"I'm dead, aren't I?"
"Maybe," Peter shrugged. "I had hoped that you weren't, but…"
"What about Remus and James? Harry and Lily?"
"I don't know."
"So I'm not dead?"
"Maybe," Peter repeated.
"Why are you here, then?" Sirius asked, frustrated.
Peter shrugged again. "I'm glad I am. It's quite beautiful, isn't it?" He spoke wistfully, an artist's observation. There was something both content and melancholy about him. Sirius thought back to Peter's unanswerable question. Did he still hate him?
"You betrayed us. You left Remus to die. You condemned Harry."
Peter nodded slightly.
"But then you saved him."
Peter said nothing. He seemed to be waiting for something.
"What happened to you? I don't understand."
"I don't either," Peter finally said. A small, self-deprecating smile twitched onto his face. "I really never have been a quick learner."
"You died before I could say anything to you." Before I could forgive you.
Peter's pale eyes left the moon at last, focusing onto Sirius as if he knew exactly what Sirius had left unsaid. This was what he was waiting for.
"I don't think I need it anymore, if it makes you feel better," he said, almost kindly. "I'm finally okay with just myself."
Peter's little statement clarified something in Sirius' mind. He was no longer clinging onto the approval of others. Peter was content because he could just be. Or not be. Whatever the dead do.
"I didn't think you deserved it," Sirius explained uselessly.
"After everything I did? Or failed to do?" Peter sighed. An echo of shame deeper than oceans. "One thing I've found since dying… our actions and intentions are not weights to be balanced."
Sirius was not sure exactly what the implications of this were. Not hopelessness. He leaned back onto the soft grass and stared up into the bright constellations. He struggled with himself. Could he let it all go? Was he really considering it? Breathing deeply, he pondered the answer, fancying he could see every galaxy and cloud of cosmic dust above. Would it matter in the grand scheme of things if he couldn't?
"What are we doing?" he asked.
"Just talking, I guess," Peter replied.
But Sirius had nothing else to say. They sat for a long time. Or maybe a few moments. Time was difficult here. Then Sirius realized the sky was growing lighter in the east.
"Sirius?"
"I think… I think you're going to be okay," Peter murmured, eyes drawn to the pale gray that was washing away the stars.
"Sirius? Sirius, wake up."
Sirius ignored the distant voice.
"What do you mean?"
"It was nice talking to you, Padfoot. Tell Moony and Prongs that I'm sorry."
"Hold on-"
"Sirius. Padfoot."
Peter stood then and started walking away. "I hope you find peace. That the world is better for all of you."
"Wait. Wait! Wormtail!"
Peter stepped into the forest and was gone. The sky was getting lighter and lighter, almost blinding. Sirius felt himself grow heavier, impossibly heavy…
"Pads?"
Sensation slammed into him like the Hogwarts Express. Peter and the peaceful night fell away. Pain like fire raced along his neck, all the way down to the sole of his left foot. Nest of warm darkness, brushing on his skin… sheets. A hand on his arm, strong, anchoring. His eyelids would not cooperate.
"Padfoot?"
He groaned.
The person grounding him seemed to find this funny. He laughed, clear and loud and relieved. Footsteps, more voices, conversation he could not follow. Sirius wrestled with his mouth, trying to form words.
"Sh't. Ow."
More chuckles. Why wouldn't his eyelids work? He focused his energy, every ounce of effort, until finally a tiny crack appeared.
"Welcome back, Pads."
"Moon'?"
The blurred line of light widened, revealing a fuzzy approximation of the werewolf himself. Shadows and pitches became scars and the halo of gray was hair.
"'M alive?"
"Yes you are, thank Merlin."
That was James. Sirius tried and failed to move his head, but Remus' face was replaced by James. He was grinning like a madman, his hair spiky, his glasses sparkling.
Sirius' eyebrows contracted. "Sure you ain' dead?" he slurred. "We could jus' all b'dead."
"Nope. Still kicking."
"Hmm."
Sirius' eyes were picking up more details. He was in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey was pushing Remus out of her way, wielding potions and bandages.
"Hello Mr. Black," she said briskly. "Good to see those blue eyes of yours. I'm going to change your bandages, so here's a pain-reducing potion." Despite her severe manner, Sirius caught the dampness in her eyes.
"How long?" he asked James.
"Six days. You really scared us."
Six days. That would take a moment to process. But before Sirius could start, everything else came rushing back. Voldemort's furious gaze, the fire, the battle.
Sirius sat up so fast, his forehead collided with James' nose.
"OW!" they both exclaimed at once. Sirius collapsed back into the pillows, every nerve screaming in protest.
"Really, Black," Madame Pomfrey was saying. She shoved a potion into his hand. "Drink this."
Sirius ignored her.
"Voldemort?" he whispered, his gaze darting between Remus and James. He knew the answer from their expressions before Remus spoke.
"Dead."
Oh, the release was unlike anything Sirius had ever felt. Tension in muscles he did not even know existed drained away. Light-headed and clutching his un-drunk potion, he murmured, "How?"
James was grinning again, but this time it was nearly awed. "Remus," he said.
"Moony?"
Remus was flushed.
"No, not exactly-" he began. "If Sirius hadn't-"
"Exactly." James interrupted. And now his face was completely serious. "What he did on Halloween night, what he endured after-it created something powerful. Powerful enough to stop even a killing curse. That's how I survived Voldemort's curse when the Ministry fell, Padfoot. How Harry survived crossing the wards that killed Peter. I did not understand it until I felt Moony's magic at the Riddle House."
Remus was looking determinedly at his feet as James spoke. Sirius felt a welling admiration, mixed with wonder.
"The battle was… fierce." James expression darkened. "Voldemort made it in here, where the children were, before we could stop him. Remus tried to slow him down, but Greyback showed up and…" James shrugged. "We duelled him, Lily and Snape and I-"
"Snape?" Sirius blurted.
"Yeah," James said, waving a hand as if it weren't important. "I guess he was on our side after all. Anyway, Snape was down and Lily and I were disarmed. And Harry came running from the back of the room… Voldemort aimed the killing curse at him… Merlin, Padfoot, I don't think I've ever been that terrified in my entire life."
James ran a shaking hand through his hair. But he still smiled, a wavering curve of his mouth. "It bounced off. Remus' sacrifice protected him. The killing curse hit Voldemort instead."
"Whoa," Sirius breathed. Remus looked decidedly uncomfortable.
If Sirius had the strength, he would have slapped the humility right out of him. He opened his mouth again, but Remus took advantage of the silence to deflect the attention away.
"The prophecy was fulfilled, in the end," he said. "Just not in the way we expected. Voldemort essentially marked Harry as his equal the moment he chose to pursue him and leave little Neville alone. Harry was also technically the one who destroyed the Dark Lord, but the power he had was not simply magic. It was something much deeper than that, a force far stronger than we could comprehend."
"What was it?" Sirius had to ask. He needed to hear the name, even though, in his heart, he knew the answer.
"Love."
The single word came from a voice that Sirius recognized immediately. All heads turned towards the entrance of the hospital wing. Albus Dumbledore himself was striding through the double doors, albeit slowly, holding himself carefully. But his eyes were sharp azure, twinkling as they surveyed the remaining Marauders.
Behind him came Lily, holding Harry on one hip and smiling like the sun. Harry shrieked in delight when he saw Sirius.
"Pafu!"
He squirmed until Lily set him down, then he dashed down the aisle and launched himself onto Sirius' bed.
"Hey there Prongslet!" Sirius laughed, ignoring any pain as he wrapped an arm around Harry. Harry snuggled down against his uninjured side.
"Mr. Black, your potion," Pomfrey reminded him.
"Right." Sirius still did not drink, staring at Dumbledore with wide eyes. Dumbledore wore long purple robes, embroidered with constellations that reminded Sirius of his strange limbo-world. He was undiminished by his time suffering from Voldemort's curse.
"Harry is surrounded by the mysterious and unstoppable force of love," Dumbledore continued. "All of you rallied against Voldemort around him and sacrificed to keep him safe. Not just Remus' sacrifice, but what the rest of you gave to defeat the Dark Lord and protect your family. Harry's own love drove him to run to his parents, despite the threat of the Dark Lord. Just a child, but more precious than any treasure, be it life or friendship or sanity."
Dumbledore finished, folding his hands into his sleeves and carefully lowering himself onto the nearby bed with Lily's assistance. Lily said softly, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."
The language sounded old, as if Lily was quoting something Sirius did not recognize. But Dumbledore did and nodded thoughtfully.
Then he smiled at Sirius gently. "I believe our beloved matron is patiently waiting for you to drink that, Sirius."
Sirius grimaced, but downed the disgusting potion in a swallow. Harry giggled at his expression. The pain in his side began to numb.
Sirius surveyed Lily, James, and Remus fondly amazed to see them all standing there with him. Only then did he wonder how many were lost.
Sirius was allowed to leave the hospital wing the next day. He spent some time wandering the castle alone. The students had been given a full two weeks off school and Hogwarts was empty. Sometimes he passed witches and wizards, working steadily to repair the damage done to the ancient building. The semester would be resuming in a week.
Life was, absurdly, continuing.
Sirius enjoyed being alone, for once. James was busy with Dumbledore, taking a role in rebuilding the Ministry of Magic. Lily was working hard to rearrange her curriculum. Remus would be coming to help him apparate home, but not for another hour.
He caught a fleeting glimpse of Snape out on the grounds, but ignored him. The man was unmoored and inconsequential right now, especially after his puzzling conversation with Peter.
"Our actions and intentions are not weights to be balanced."
He saw few teachers as he slowly meandered towards the front door. Some just waved. McGonagall gave him a tight embrace and hurried away, wiping at her eyes.
Hagrid downright sobbed.
Once Sirius had extricated himself, he wandered down to the lake. It was a clear mirror, reflecting the pale February sky. His breath misted in front of his face, but he welcomed how alive the cold made him feel. The cursed lightning should have killed him. It was a miracle that he was living, when so many others were not.
In his mind, he counted off the dead. His own, private memorial. The funerals had all been held while he was unconscious.
Ava Finch, Rufus Scrimgeour, Mad-Eye Moody, Emmeline Vance, Elphias Doge. Caradoc Dearborn, Benjy Fenwick, Marlene McKinnon, Fabian and Gideon Prewett. Peter Pettigrew. Regulus Black.
His chest ached. He spent the rest of the hour staring out across the mirrored surface.
This was where Remus found him. He walked almost soundlessly across the damp, pebbled beach. When he stopped next to Sirius, he looked out as well, almost as if he could see exactly what was captivating Sirius' attention.
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
Sirius stared down into the water. His reflection was dark, hiding the new scar that was like a network on his skin. But he knew it was there. The dull throb would not be ignored. It curled up his jaw and down his chest and ribs. The epicenter was a starburst on his collarbone, angry red, though Madame Pomfrey promised it would fade.
As would all painful things, he supposed. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus remained very still. Only his breathing moved his body. Sirius wondered where his mind was. Far-off.
"What about you?" he asked Remus. Quick amber glance.
"I'm okay."
"You've changed."
"We all have."
"True," Sirius conceded. But you have changed more than the rest of us, Moony.
Sirius ran through it all in his mind, the last few years in the spare seconds. He shivered. He desperately wanted to settle in the warm kitchen of Kent Cottage, a glass of firewhiskey in his hand and the smell of dinner wafting from the stove. The comfort of Lily's child-like conversation with Harry, James' lighthearted teasing. But not yet.
"Can we go somewhere first? Before we go home?"
"Sure. You aren't too tired?"
"Nah."
Sirius told Remus where he wanted to go. Remus did not question him. Instead, he walked silently with him to the Hogwarts gates, then swiftly apparated them away.
Their arrival spun up an eddy of snowflakes. A fine dusting covered the road and the evergreen hedge alongside it. A small gate served as a portal through the dense thicket. Remus took the lead, holding the gate for Sirius and observing him sharply for any signs of weakness.
Sirius rolled his eyes and assured Remus again that he was fine. Together, they wended through the rows of stones. It did not take long. The graveyard outside Peter's home church was small. His mother had chosen the family plot, a little ways from the hedge, huddled under an elm tree. The freshly turned earth was frosted over. Remus stepped back, giving Sirius some space.
Sirius stared at the grave-marker. When Sirius was seven years old, he decided to be good. He failed often. But he always rose up again. He had no idea if the conversation he had with Peter was real or not. But he was convinced of one thing. Real or imagined, it had effected a change in him.
"Peter," he said quietly to the stone. "I forgive you, you bastard."
Remus snorted softly behind him. Sirius turned away, rolling his shoulders and relishing how light he felt.
"Let's go home."
a/n: I'm right with you guys. I can't believe this story is almost over. I'll be posting the epilogue within the next few days (most likely Monday or Tuesday).
Lily quotes John 15:13
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