A/N: Sorry! Gomensai! Dui bu qi! Lo siento! Long apology note after the chapter. Now read!

Disclaimer: Do not own. If I did, I probably would've had more time to update sooner -.-

Mustang looked up from the paper and raised an eyebrow at his lieutenant. "This is what they came up with?"

"Evidently," she replied, shrugging. Nothing else could be said.

His entire body shook, though Hawkeye knew that it was just from the laughter he was barely holding in. "Really. This is what you want to do while 'frolicking through the meadows?' I didn't know you enjoyed those kinds of fantasies, Lieutenant."

"Because I don't," she pointed out matter-of-factly. "Though I'm a bit disturbed that they perceive me as that sort of person."

Mustang opened his mouth to make a smart comment but was interrupted by the dramatic opening of his office door. Edward Elric came marching in, Alphonse following much more quietly. "Yo, Colonel Bastard. Came to make my report and ya da ya da ya da." His golden eyes immediately zoned in on the sheet in Mustang's hands. "What's that?"

"A love letter from Hawkeye," Mustang answered with a smirk.

"Really?" Al's tinny voice reverberated with excitement. "She finally—"

"No, Alphonse," she cut him off. "I'm afraid the colonel misspoke. It's actually a love letter written by our wonderful colleagues and signed with my name."

"So it's not yours." Ed snatched the paper from Mustang and skimmed it. His eyebrows rose a couple inches. "Woah. This is the most rainbow-y shit I've ever seen barfed up on a page. And that's saying something."

"Indeed." The colonel delicately plucked the letter from the bemused teenager's grasp. " 'Rainbow-y shit' is quite the oxymoron. Just like Tall Fullmetal—"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE COULD USE A COW'S EYELASH FOR A HAMMOCK?" Ed lunged for Mustang's neck, but an unperturbed Hawkeye deftly grabbed his collar and held him back.

Mustang, unfazed, watched contentedly as his young subordinate struggled and sputtered, but was distracted when Al spoke up. "So if Havoc and the others wrote a letter from the lieutenant to you, then they should've also written one from you to the lieutenant."

"Correct, Alphonse," Mustang acknowledged, leaning back in his chair. "And I think it was a rather gross misrepresentation to say the least. So I think some proper retribution is in order, yes?"

"Is that really necessary, sir?" Hawkeye asked, releasing Ed now that he had calmed down sufficiently. "If you let this go half the day can still be productive."

"Now then, Lieutenant," the colonel gave her a knowing glance. "I know that you want some sort of payback. After writing that and trying to pass it off as coming from you…?"

"…It was a little rude," she admitted.

Mustang grinned, sensing victory. "Exactly. Now, don't worry. I'll be sitting here diligently working for the rest of the afternoon. Because luckily for us, we have a couple of teenagers in town who, I'm sure, would love to pull off a prank or two."

"If you're suggesting me and Al," Ed huffed, "you're out of luck, bastard. We have better things to do than run around carrying out your revenge."

"Look here, Fullmetal," Mustang reasoned, tapping his desk with a finger to emphasize his point. "I need you and your scheming little mind—"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE WOULD NEED A MILLION BITES TO EAT HALF A CHICKPEA?" Hawkeye was a tad slow this time and caught Ed when he was already halfway through his dive, his fingertips almost scratching his target's nose.

Mustang didn't blink. "My apologies, Fullmetal. Force of habit. But I'm serious about this. If you come through for me, I won't make you turn in a formal report for this visit."

Ed paused mid-rage. "Really? I won't have to write anything?"

Mustang shook his head emphatically. "Not a word."

"Alright then." Ed grinned viciously. "Four packages of sweet vengeance coming your way."

"Sounds fun," Al said, surprisingly cheerful.

Hawkeye exhaled loudly through her nose. "Letting you read that letter was a bad idea, sir."

"Has anyone seen my glasses?" Fuery patted around his desktop, but did not encounter his spectacles. "I think I misplaced them somehow."

Havoc leaned over his own table and spotted an object lying on the floor by Fuery's garbage can. "Looks like they dropped. They're right by your trash, Fuery."

"Oh, thanks." Fuery bent down slowly and groped blindly for a few seconds before grasping them. He sat up, adjusting the glasses on his nose and blinking furiously.

"Something the matter?" Breda looked up from his tic-tac-toe game with himself.

"No, it's nothing," Fuery assured his officemate. To himself, he muttered, "Usually takes a few seconds to adjust…"

Hawkeye entered the room. "Fuery? Would you mind taking these to the file room for me?" She handed him a packet.

"Sure, Lieutenant." He hesitantly reached out and clumsily took the papers from her. He stood up and hit his knee on the desk. "Ow!"

"Everything alright?" She looked at him, concerned.

"Fine, Lieutenant. Everything's fine." He gave her a shaky smile before shuffling quickly towards the door. Unfortunately, he didn't notice the book-bag laying a ways from Falman's desk and tripped over it, almost falling headfirst into the carpet, though he managed to right himself at the last minute after wind-milling his arms for a few perilous moments. He grinned sheepishly over his shoulder as he continued walking. "Haha, didn't see that there…" He turned around just in time to smack into the doorframe.

When Fuery woke up, he found himself in the HQ infirmary with a sizeable lump on his forehead. He picked up his glasses from the bedside table and squinted at them. "That's odd…I just got new lenses the other day, too…maybe I need to check my prescription again."

Falman entered the office after lunch, humming happily. He was always the first one back, which meant that he had a few precious moments alone to enjoy his dictionary in peace and quiet. He had just ended on "salubrious" and was looking forward to rereading the rest of the wonderfully lengthy "S" section.

He sat down at his desk and took a minute to enjoy the awe-inspiring beauty of the cover. The lettering was a little faded from the 1,254 times he'd already read through the dictionary, but the cover still looked as intriguing as it had on the day he'd first spotted it in the bookstore. With a deep breath, he grasped the bottom corner and opened to the first page.

Or tried to. The book remained firmly closed, apparently unwilling to share its wonderful secrets with him for the 1,255th time. Frowning, he felt down the edges of the pages till his fingertips hit his bookmark. He tried to pull it out, but it wouldn't budge.

Frantically now, he scrabbled at the pages, desperate to open to any one of them. But the entire text seemed to be fused shut. It had effectively become a brick. But Falman wouldn't even dare think of throwing his beloved dictionary at anything, as great as his frustration was.

Collapsing in defeat, his cheek resting on the adamant cover, Falman let out a very out-of-character wail that echoed throughout the entire HQ.

Hawkeye poked her head in. "Everything alright, Falman?"

"No. No, Lieutenant, nothing is alright." He dejectedly slid out of his chair and disappeared behind his desk. Out of sight, he curled up in the fetal position, trying to make some sense of the world that had now been turned upside down. "I'm going to take the rest of the day off. Actually, make that the rest of my life."

She raised her eyebrow, but nodded. "Hm. Go home then. But I will see you here tomorrow, Falman."

Shortly after Falman had dragged himself out the door, Havoc came in, resigning himself to work. He patted his pockets for a cigarette, but found none on his person. Shrugging, he headed over to his desk and pulled open the drawer with his secret stash.

His soggy secret stash.

Barely withholding an unmanly squeal of horror, He gingerly pulled out a dripping package and slapped it on his desk. His wonderfully clean desk that didn't have any liquid on it whatsoever. How could anything have spilled and leaked into his drawer?

He gloomily removed the rest of the formerly precious packages, throwing the now useless cigarettes into the trash. There went an entire paycheck's worth of smokes, just like that. Sighing, he reached into his pocket again, hoping to have enough money left to secure at least one box of dry cigarettes.

Staring at his empty wallet, Havoc finally recalled that he had spent the last of his change on a bet with the Elrics that morning (Who knew that Al was so flexible?). Moaning softly, he slumped into his chair, covering his face with his hands. No chance of borrowing from Hawkeye or the colonel. Fuery was in the infirmary and Falman had left early. Breda was in the same boat as he was (the Elric brothers had probably emptied the rest of HQ's pockets by now). He would just have to go through the rest of the day without a single smoke.

The thud Havoc's head made as it hit his desk was so loud it sent a large flock of scared birds flying from the tree outside the office window.

Breda strolled in five minutes after lunch ended, swallowing the last bite of his bacon sandwich. He cheerfully greeted Havoc (who was slowly withering away from lack of nicotine) before sitting at his own desk. He shuffled through the mess of papers, looking for his previous match of tic-tac-toe.

Ed came in and grinned at the remaining two officers. "Nice day, isn't it?"

Breda looked at him. "Nice to see you so happy, Ed."

"Even Brother can't resist the soothing qualities of Mother Nature," Al piped up. He looked down to Hayate, who sat dutifully by his side. "A walk around Central Park with the lieutenant's dog can cure just about anything."

"D-d-d-d-dog?" Breda froze.

Hayate barked.

With a (surprisingly girly) scream Breda jumped up, knocking his desk over. As papers flew everywhere he dashed out the door, wildly pushing past the Elric brothers and their canine companion.

"Oh, whoops!" Al let go of Hayate's leash, and the excited puppy, catching the scent bacon breath in the air, dashed after Breda, glad to be participating in this thrilling game of tag. The Elrics watched as Breda knocked several folders of important-looking files out of a secretary's grasp, upended two carts of expensive technology, and spilled a custodian's soapy water bucket across the hallway floor. Hayate followed closely behind, barking to show everyone how happy he was.

"Maybe we went a little too far with this one?" Al murmured, though he didn't seem especially worried.

"Oh, you think this was bad?" Ed grinned maliciously. "Wait till you see the surprise I left for that bastard colonel."

Hawkeye watched from the window as Breda escaped outside, Hayate at his heels. "I'm having second thoughts about this revenge plan of yours, Colonel."

"Well, you can have them as much as you want, Hawkeye." Mustang leaned back in his chair with a satisfied sigh. "The deed has been done and I've finished my paperwork. Edward is happy and Alphonse gets to play with your dog. I think we can both feel very accomplished."

Hawkeye inclined her head after she heard a tiny click. "Sir? Did you hear—"

Mustang's chair back suddenly detached, falling to the ground with a crash. Mustang had been reclining too comfortably and could only descend with it. With an undignified yell, he flailed around in an attempt to keep his balance, but only succeeded in upsetting his carefully stacked tower of completed paperwork. Mustang lay in a mess of files, sprawled on the ground with his legs sticking comically up in the air.

Hawkeye barely suppressed a chuckle as she picked up one of the upset papers and examined it. "Hm, most of these are wrinkled or torn. Can't have that now, can we, sir? You'll have to redo them."

Before Mustang could utter a word of protest, a wall of water drenched the two officers. Both looked up at the ceiling, where a pipe had appeared, bearing a very familiar signature (complete with antenna and ha-ha-you-fell-for-it expression).

Mustang shook the wet hair out of his eyes and looked at the soggy mess around him. "That damn little…he did not just divert the bathroom pipeline to this office."
Hawkeye flicked the safety off of her pistol in a business-like manner, sending water droplets flying off her waterlogged sleeve. "My gun is still dry, Colonel. Permission to capture target before he leaves the city?"

Mustang found an unharmed glove and pulled it on, a steely look in his eyes. "Right behind you, Lieutenant."

"You did what?" Al demanded as the two raced towards the train station. "Do you have a death wish, Brother? And the lieutenant will never let me play with her cute puppy again!"

"Hey, I didn't exactly want to prank Hawkeye because she's scary as hell, but she's always standing next to him and I can't direct the water that accurately." Ed glanced over his shoulder, but there was no sign of any vengeance-seeking officers yet. "Just think of it this way, Al. I brought them together. That's what you want, right?"

"I wanted them together because of love, not Grrr-must-kill-Elrics!" Al protested as the two entered the station.

Both brothers jumped as a bullet embedded itself in the lamppost beside them. The two barely dodged the spark of fire that followed. They stared at the now blackened cobblestone, but another snap brought them out of their daze.

The Elrics scrambled into a train car and Ed slammed the door behind them just as another bullet thudded into it. Al looked worriedly out the window. "Great. Now they not only want to kill us, but you made them pay for our train tickets."

Ed breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey, I was thinking of survival. The railway could afford a loss of a couple hundred cenz. Anyway, how does a long trip to Xing sound, Al?"

Mustang glanced back at Hawkeye as he handed over the ticket fee. "Promise me our kids won't be like this."

She gave him a look as she wrung out the hem of her sleeve. "Knowing you, sir, I can't promise anything."

A/N: Alright, long apology time. I'm really terribly sorry for not updating in...four months, is it? *wince* I hate myself for doing this to you wonderful readers, especially since I get extremely annoyed when fanfic authors don't update for weeks on end. To be honest, I did have the ACT in February, and my SAT subject tests and AP tests are piling up, so my parents have been pretty "rawr" with me about studying as of late. Plus I've been preparing for an orchestra audition that I just finished last week.

But the bottom of it all was that I was stuck. It wasn't really like I had writer's block, because I was getting all sorts of ideas. Just not for this fanfic. I started another original story, wrote various oneshots and poems, began creating a manga...with all these things bouncing around in my head Royai kinda got pushed out. Plus, I'd kind of written myself into a corner. I was thinking about what "Riza's" letter should say, and still have it relate somehow to the theme of "dog." I played around with "Sirius-ly in love with you" (Sirius is the dog star, plus Roy's a "dog of the military"), but that idea didn't stick. Fortunately I got up in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago and wrote down the frame of this chapter. And now that my spring break is here, I could finally finish writing and post it.

So I'm leaving the entire content of the "Riza" letter to the reader's imagination (you love it when the author does that, don't you?). To be honest I don't think anything I will ever come up with will be as outrageous as I've hinted it is. So there you go. I will try and update more frequently, but with all those tests in May I can't make any promises. So let's set a goal for one more chapter by the end of the month. Hope you don't mind the wait.

Thank you so much for reading (if you made it to the end of this horribly extended author's note, kudos to you :D)!