IYîYîYîYI

"Oh, but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads and they tell me that I've changed
Well, something's lost, but something's gained
in living, every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose, and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all"

- Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now

IYîYîYîYI

That Which Could Have Been and That Which Now Is

"I know that you have been raised to believe that magic is evil. But magic is only a tool, used by good people as well as bad ones. It can be much more than merely a weapon. It can heal wounds, mend what's broken, put out fires, bring forth rain. Many of the kingdoms in Albion banned magic, after Uther did, only to save their trade agreements with Camelot. Magic used to be a part of this land. That chair next to yours has been empty much longer than you think."

Arthur listened to Gaius speak, but he looked at the round table. Guinevere looked back at him. She seemed both curious and worried. There were now two chairs gaping empty beside her.

What would it have been like if magic had never been forbidden? If Morgana had been able to tell them during the evening meal that she had magic, and Arthur and his father would have supported her, not judged her, and she wouldn't have turned to Morgause? If they had been a family, what would that family have looked like? Did Arthur have it in him to imagine it? Did he hav it in him to admit that he missed Morgana, more than he could say? That if he believed there was a way they could be friends again, he would jump at the chance?

What would it have been like, if Merlin had introduced himself as a sorcerer the first time they had met? If that word had been free from all meanings except "one who can use magic"? It would have been an entirely different world. A world where he and Merlin could have been equals. Where Merlin's reward for saving his life (with magic, he used magic, didn't he?) would have been a position not as manservant but as some sort of court sorcerer or protector. It would have been a world where Merlin would have been his advisor and helped him rule, like a slender shadow behind the throne, and no one would have questioned it. They could have grown old like that.

Growing old. Suddenly the dream he had thought he had forgotten sprung back to life again. He remembered flashes of it. Merlin. The silver-haired woman whom he had seemed to know. The battle field.

Things had gone wrong.

Gaius coughed behind him.

"I am sorry to add to the list of lies that have been told to you. I realise that it is painful to you."

Arthur shook his head.

"Thank you Gaius, but it's hardly the same thing. You're not Merlin. And you might have kept it secret, but it was my father's lie, not yours."

Gaius raised an eyebrow, and Arthur thought he was going to question his strange words, but he didn't:

"I'm aware that you might have to choose between the threat outside the walls and the threat inside them right now. I'm afraid I can't help you much with that. But if you want me to explain to them that the laws they defend were created for the wrong reasons, I will."

The answer came to Arthur as he spoke it. And it was an obvious answer, really.

"There was a choice. It's not much of one now. Leon is right; there is no worse scenario than Morgana taking over Camelot again. If I make unpopular decisions to stop her and Hector manages to take over the throne afterwards, that's my own loss. If I pay too much attention to him and his allies, and Morgana takes over the throne, then all of Camelot will suffer."

Even through Gaius schooled expression, Arthur could see the old man's hope rising.

"Don't underestimate yourself, Arthur. I might not like how you have treated Merlin these last few days, but if Sir Hector got the throne, it would certainly be a loss for all of Camelot, not just for you."

IYîYîYîYI

Arthur walked slowly back to the table. He knew what he wanted to do – he wanted to talk to Merlin. He felt it in his bones, now, so strongly that he would have liked to run past all these people and not stop until he and Merlin were alone somewhere where they could talk freely, with no more lies on either side, no more politics, only questions asked and answered. Questions and answers long overdue. But first he had to say something to these people.

He saw Guinevere with her expectant eyes, Gwaine with his arms crossed over his chest, Bors deep in conversation with Bernard, Hector looking up at Arthur and waiting for his chance. Now Arthur was about to give it to him. Lancelot just waited with a calm face. As if he had always known what Arthur would decide. Maybe he had. Maybe this was where Arthur had been heading all along, unbeknownst to himself.

He did walk past the table, but only to speak to Wart and one of the guards.

IYîYîYîYI

There was an interruption of the strange lull that Merlin had fallen into, when two guards followed Emma down the stairs. Without getting up from the floor, Merlin watched as they whispered something to the prison guards and then walked over and unlocked the door to his cell. He sat up. A chill ran down his spine.

This is it. They're coming to escort me to the gates.

Emma ran in with quick little steps. Her mouth shivered and twitched as if it wasn't sure whether it was on its way toward a smile or a frown.

"Can you walk, Merlin?"

"No," he lied.

She raised an eyebrow. She had clearly spent too much time around Gaius.

"No? Not even for a little bit? We're only going up to your room."

"Why? Is he letting me pack my things? Are they going to watch me while I do?" he said, nodding towards the guards.

"I don't think so. Something's happened. Arthur wanted to tell you himself. I think you can walk if I support you, right?"

Arthur. Arthur wants to talk to me? Merlin's head was spinning with questions. He fought to stand on legs that were shaking badly in protest of suddenly being forced to work after having spent so much time just sitting or lying down.

"I can walk on my own," he said. "What do you mean, 'something's happened'?"

Emma opened her mouth but one of the guards cut in.

"I'm afraid there's no time for questions, sir. We've been told to take you to your room as quickly as possible."

Merlin stared at the guard. Had he just been called "sir"? "Sir"?

Emma didn't let him walk on his own. She insisted on throwing his arm over her shoulders, and maybe it was for the best. The stairs up to ground level alone nearly exhausted him. He kept asking Emma what was going on, but she wouldn't tell him. She claimed she didn't really know anyway, and it was probably the truth.

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When Arthur returned to the table all eyes were on him. Gaius and Geoffrey had sat back down, but Arthur remained standing with his hands placed on the back of his chair.

"Gentlemen. Ladies." He nodded to Guinevere and Vivan. "This kingdom is under attack, and we sit around this table bickering about magic. This kingdom is under attack because we sit around this table bickering about magic. Because that is all this court has done for all my life. It has split the court, and it has split my family, in more ways than one. There was a time when the Lady Morgana and I – my sister and I – both shared the opinion that my father had pushed his aversion against magic too far. We all know where Lady Morgana decided to go from there, and I have responded to her action by going in the opposite direction. I realise now that this was a mistake."

Arthur caught Leon's puzzled expression.

"I'm not defending her. Somewhere along the road she clearly lost her head. I just hadn't realised that I had begun to lose mine. No, let me finish," he said when several mouths opened to protest.

"My father made horrible mistakes due to his blind hatred of magic," – Arthur looked at Gaius and thought of the Withcfinder, and he knew with sudden clarity that for once he was about to do something right – "and I in my turn have made quite a few. Nothing that has been done can be undone, but I will attempt to mend what can still be mended. As for my father, his first and biggest mistake was to ban magic. That ban will be removed."

Even Gaius seemed surprised at this turn of events. Arthur looked straight at Sir Hector, expecting him to stand up and protest, but the man's face was a complete blank. Sir Bernard frowned deeply, and Sir Bors mouth turned in to a thin white line, but Hector – Hector was pleased, wasn't he? Bors moved on his chair, but Hector grabbed him.

"Stays seated, Sir Bors. We've had quite enough of that."

Gwaine stared at them in confusion. He didn't understand this kind of intrigue. That was what Arthur had always liked about him.

"My Lord, I would like to simply ask two questions, if a may?" Sir Hector continued.

Arthur braced himself.

"You may."

"Thank you. I believe we have already discussed most aspects of this, but I only want to make absolutely sure I haven't misunderstood you." Hector kept his voice light and conversational. "First you made a mockery of justice, letting this boy, Marvin, live, and now, with no earthly idea of the chaos of a land where magic is allowed to roam free, you propose to change the law that has been protecting Camelot since before you could walk. My first question is this: the enemies at our gates, your sister, as you call her, and her friends, are wielding magic of the darkest kind. Now that you propose to make this legal, will you perhaps invite them in?"

That one was simple.

"The Lady Morgana might be my sister, but she is not family anymore. By past evidence and by her own declaration, she is the enemy of Camelot, and even if magic was erased from the list of her crimes, the list would still be long. So no, she will not be invited in at all, or ever again."

"That is a relief, I'm sure. But it does make my second question even more pressing. This boy Marvin ..."

"Merlin," Gwaine growled.

"This boy Merlin who seems so close to both yourself and a number of your knights, and whom I suppose you now intend to free and consult as others have suggested – will he be freed and acquitted of his crimes because you have changed the law, or are you changing the law to have him acquitted?"

The answer to that was simple as well, but that didn't matter. Hector had won this battle simply by asking the question. Even so, Arthur replied what he had to reply, using as much honesty as he could if he wanted to avoid both exposing himself and entangling himself in lies:

"Neither. I will change the law because the law is groundless, and put in place because of one man's pain and grief. And while it is true that Merlin is my friend, and that it would pain me to see him leave, do not for a second believe that it does not also pain me to go and ask advice of a man who has been lying to me for years. But I am man enough to put my pride aside for a while if it means I can avoid bloodshed among my people."

Hector leaned back in his chair.

"Thank you, Your Majesty. That was all we needed to hear."

IYîYîYîYI

The guards stopped outside Merlin's room and gave him one last worried look before they let him and Emma go inside. Emma helped him over to the bed, where sat down, and then ran off with a promise of finding him something to eat.

Merlin looked around the room that he hadn't seen for days. It was just as he'd left it, each one of his precious few belongings still in place, but it was like looking at your room through a mirror: it looked exactly the same, and yet it was different. All the feelings and emotions that are buried in the walls, floating in the air and hiding in the smell of the room where one lives – all that was gone somehow.

Merlin himself felt different too. Up here, it became obvious that something was missing. Not just the practical things like his freedom or the full use of his back, not just the people he loved; but inside of him, something was missing from who he was. The secret. He had lived with it so long. He had spent so much of his time and energy on keeping it, on keeping up appearances, and now it was gone. No more hiding, no more lying, no more fake smiles. No more would he have to feel his heart beating like a rabbits when he thought he was close to being discovered. No more would he feel the taste of bitterness when someone else took credit for his work. Whether he was thrown out of Camelot or not, there wouldn't be any point pretending anymore. He was out in the open now – and he felt naked and cold.

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"What should we do now, sire?" Leon asked.

"You should eat. Breakfast is long overdue. I have sent the boy to the kitchen with word that breakfast should be served for all of you in the great hall. Our honoured guests should be allowed to rest. Olaf, if you wish to void the new treaties because you no longer agree with our laws, no one will blame you."

Olaf shook his head. Arthur was once again hit by embarrassment that all this had taken place in front of another king. He didn't know what the political consequences of that might turn out to be, and right now that was a factor that he'd rather leave to a later time.

"The treaties stand as long as my knights are avenged."

"I hope they will be. The rest of us should meet here again this afternoon. If anything happens or if any more news of our attackers arrives, you will be called for. For now, the council is dismissed."

The relative silence was broken by the sound of chairs being pulled out as everyone got up.

"What are you going to do?" Guinevere asked.

"I'm going to talk to Merlin."

"I'll come with you," Gwaine said.

Arthur clenched his teeth.

"No, you won't. I'm going alone."

Sir Bernard reacted.

"My Lord, you can't go and see the sorcerer alone."

"Why not?" Arthur asked, putting his chair back. "He's my manservant, I've spent plenty of time alone with him over the years, if he wanted to kill me surely he would have done it long ago."

He meant it to be something of a joke, but it seemed to fall flat to Sir Bernard, who appeared twice as concerned now. In the corner of his eye Arthur saw Hector nod. Yes, Arthur knew how this was going to work. Every time Arthur mentioned Merlin, pieces were falling into place for Sir Hector. Arthur caught his eye and nodded back. Going up to see Merlin alone would bring Arthur one step further into the trap the older man was setting up for him, he knew. But he hoped it might also be the beginning of some of his own pieces falling into place. It was all up to Merlin now.

IYîYîYîYI

A/N: Sorry for the long break. Real life got in the way again. I'll try to keep that at a minimum, shall I?

Still no spoilers for series 4 please. If I start watching it, I'll say so. Of course it is always nice to keep reviews spoiler-free for those who live elsewhere and wait to see it on telly.