She's changed so much lately and I don't know how to feel about it.

On one hand. Miu is obviously improving in some ways. Her smiles are less frequent, but they are more sincere. She's more open about her troubles, but her troubles seem to be increasing as of late; it's too bad, since I figured her old man biting the dust would be a liberating experience, even if Miu feels conflicted.

She would be. She's a lot kinder than I am, a weakness and a strength if there ever was one. I suppose it depends on the people Miu comes into contact with: someone decent and honest like her is one thing, but then there's the ones Miu can't seem to completely avoid. Those people see compassion as a weakness, something to exploit or dismiss.

Granted, even well meaning people screw up. After all, I have no doubts many people who knew of Miu and her family's situation were the kind who wanted to help her, who didn't wish her any harm at all. Not that it matters much when they ultimately decide not to get involved; I would bet money that Miu's determination to be out of the way as possible only aided people's view that action wasn't necessary on their part. Why would they need to? If Miu kept to herself and didn't cause problems, it must mean she was fine; besides, someone else, a cop, a counselor, a teacher, a relative, someone else would step in.

Right?
It makes me sick thinking of it, but then, I guess I have no right to talk. I'm not like Miu at all. I don't look for the best in people. I don't make an effort to forgive or forget and I sure as hell don't feel empathy for most people generally, save a choice few, and even then…

I guess I'm just as bad as anyone else. I don't want to be be a burden to Miu. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she's been hurt. If I was a stronger person, kind and selfless and good, I would fade away from her life. Not hold her back.

I never thought things would go this far. I didn't want them to, or at least I thought I did.

It really does suck. Just when I think things are working out and I'm getting my shit together, something has to happen. I thought I was getting better. I felt better.

Miu made it better. I don't know how she's able to put up with me, especially after such a bad first impression, not to mention all the issues to come afterward.

But with every miscommunication and problem, Miu is there. She listens like my words have meaning. She looks at me like I can't be ignored. I don't know what's crazier, that she's accepted all my flaws or that she's still able to see goodness in me.

But how? How could anyone find something about me to admire? How can they still smile when they see me, knowing the person I am? How can Miu care for me when the world seems to keep doing everything to break her heart.

And that's where the changes come in. Once upon a time, Miu would list off at least a dozen things to like about anyone but expressing any love for herself was unthinkable. She might be displeased with another's actions but she wouldn't really stand up for herself; Miu caves in too easily and what's worse, she never seems to learn.

She didn't anyway. But things are different now; she does lose patience, she does let herself be upset and rightfully so. Miu accepts she deserves more from others and herself.

I don't know when or why exactly, but Miu isn't the same as she was. There's at least a dozen reasons why and it's likely to have been years in the making, but that's not what bugs me.

I'm happy actually. Really, I am. Miu does deserve more. She's growing and changing despite everything. It might take a while, but I can see Miu changing even more with time, embracing her strengths and overcoming her weaknesses. Miu can do it, I know that much. I know she'll keep trying. Someday, she might even be happy. Even if it meant cutting ties with me and discarding everything that hurts her. It won't change how I feel and I won't hold it against her. I just want Miu to be happy. If that happens, I'll be okay.

Okay, I lied. It does bug me. I don't want Miu to stop caring about me, even if it's the best for her.

I don't want to be replaced. I don't want her to open up more. I don't want Miu to keep getting farther away, to the point I'm just realizing how much she's changed.

And she has changed. I can't deny it or escape the fact it's because of others. Maybe even because of one person in particular.

"Someone else...someone else who means a lot to her."

I can't stand what an awful person I am. I make myself sick. I should never have let myself get closer to her. I should have known this would happen.

Resentment, jealousy, anger. I don't have any right to feel entitled to be in Miu's life or have any say in who gets to associate with her. I'm one of those selfish, poisonous people. I can get therapy and admit to my faults and be self aware enough to understand what's wrong with me, but that doesn't mean it makes me any better. Not when I'm still so hateful.

Miu is...wonderful. It's no surprise at all people find it so easy to approach her. It can't be helped.

And I know Miu will continue to change, in ways I probably won't ever get to see. I won't see them, because chances are, they'll happen when she's with someone else.

"Because when they're together...I won't be as close to her. When other people speak to her, when they see how good she is...they'll keep coming and Miu will be that much farther from me."

Good, kind, wonderful people, those who will drive her further away and Miu will no longer be my Miu. She will be someone who will reject how ugly a person I actually am, how empty my heart really is.

"No, it's not empty. It can't be. Not when she's there. But how long will she be here? How much longer until…?"

I'm not the one making her smile. Not the way she does now. Not how she smiles at him.

No. This can't be the way things are now.

"No. Stop….stop..."

Miu can't change anymore. She can't go any farther. She can't, not now, not ever. Not when I still have this emptiness, this anger, this pain whenever she smiles at someone else.

"Leave her alone."

I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see Miu change. Not because of anyone else. It just makes me more aware of how unworthy I am to have her in my life. It reminds me how much more I still have to grow.

"I can't do it alone."

I hate it. I hate how miserable it makes me feel, how angry. But what's more, I hate how good it feels to see her happy and smiling. This kind of pain, this kind of happiness...what am I supposed to do with it? I'm confused.

I'm scared.

"Just stop. Stop it right now."

I'm so scared. I'm scared of my past, of my future. It's all so uncertain. I thought I could handle that.I thought I could be strong. Be better, do better. Was I wrong? Was it all for nothing? Will things never really change for me?

I wonder...if that's how Miu felt all those years, alone and hurting. Like the princess in the castle, waiting and wishing for something, someone to make things okay. How fearful every day can be when you don't know what's coming next or if anything will ever get better. Or if they'll only become worse.

It's something I was all too familiar with. If I believed in bullshit like fate or destiny, I'd say it wasn't any mystery how we ended up drawn to each other. At least then I could blame someone for this. It would be someone else's fault we met. But then, who knows? Maybe it was inevitable, just like how it's inevitable that Miu would become attached to others and change because of those new bonds. It's only natural. Experiences and influences of other people is what changes a person, whether for good or bad.

Change...just the word is pissing me off.

I just don't know what to do. Just a few months ago, I barely even knew Miu; she was just another person, another face. How was I supposed to know how much Miu would change me or how much she would change in the time we knew each other? How could I have guessed this would happen, that I would feel this way? I never knew I could.

But then Miu just kept telling me she cared. Somehow, Miu keeps saying the things I always wanted to be told.

She cried for me. She smiled for me. She said, honestly, truly, 'I like you.'

I like you: how strange it sounds. It's been so long. I never thought anyone would say that to me.

Not to me.

"No more. Please. Just stay away."

And now I can't imagine my life without you in it. I won't even try to. I won't allow it. I can't….I...

"Get away from her. Don't come any closer."

I'm sorry. I need you more.

"Get your hands off of her!"