36

HAWKE

Her hands were shaking and her palms were clammy. She felt the anger rising inside her, like a tide of freezing cold water.

"That fucking bitch!" she screamed as she picked up the glass of whiskey that Isabela had been drinking and threw it at the closed front door.

How dare she kiss me?! she thought furiously to herself. She rubbed her lips, where the contact from the kiss was still tingling. She took a steadying breath as she tried to calm down. You wanted to kiss her back, the voice in her head taunted, you were blushing like a 16 year old maiden at her debutante ball. She angrily banished it.

Orana came scurrying in. "Are you alright, mistress?" She got down on her hands and knees and started picking up the pieces of shattered glass.

Hawke reached down and touched her hand. "Don't, Orana, I'll clean it up. I'm sorry if I frightened you."

"No mistress, I'm not frightened of you. But please, let me clean it, you're going to be late."

Hawke looked out the window at the gathering dark. She trudged over to her desk and picked up her staff, strapping it onto her back. She put her shoulders back. She would get to see him tonight.

She knew she'd told him it was over, but she could make an exception tonight. He always made her feel better. Isabela was the disease, and he was the remedy.

She gave Orana an affectionate pat on the shoulder on the way out. She would have to buy her maid something nice to apologise. Her behaviour had been terrible lately.

The Arishok's skull stared across the room with its empty eye sockets. Hawke always hated the sight of it, and avoided the Keep for this very reason. She'd had no qualm with the Arishok, he was an honourable man, and she hated the fact that she had killed him. It hadn't even been worth it. If she could go back, she would have bound and gagged Isabela for them herself. You are so full of shit, the voice in her head pounced on the thoughts immediately, you'd kill him 100 times over, just to buy her one more minute of life.

Hawke crossed the room and went straight for him. He was standing with her, but Hawke didn't care.

"Champion" she said curtly.

Hawke bowed her head graciously in response.

He took her hand in his and kissed the back of it. "Good evening, my lady" he said politely, his eyes betraying the tenderness between them.

"You're either very bold, or very stupid, to be wearing your staff around like that" she interjected.

Hawke gave a bitter smile. "I think we both know that I'm not stupid."

She turned on her heel and crossed the room. Hawke stood on her tiptoes and whispered in his ear. "Meet me in the Viscount's office."

He looked at her with trepidation. "You can't be serious?"

Hawke nodded. "I am very serious."

He scanned the crowd, making sure nobody was listening. "You said it was over?"

She resisted the urge to touch him in public. "It is. But I need to see you. Just one last time. Please?"

He exhaled loudly. "Very well. I'll be there in five minutes."

"This is a terrible idea. I can try to sneak out tonight and come by your house?" he said quietly as he shut the door behind him.

"No" she said quickly undoing his pants, "she'll never let you out."

"Champion - " he started to say, but she stopped him as she dropped to her knees and took him into her mouth.

He swelled with the sensation, and she stood in front of him, pulling him towards her, backing herself up until she hit the Viscount's desk. She bent over backwards and pulled him with her, wrapping her legs around him. She could see the cautious words start to bubble to his lips, but she silenced them as she guided him into her, fitting him like a glove.

"If I sent word, and told you to flee, would you?" she asked breathlessly.

"Mmm… what?" he asked, too distracted for conversation.

"If I knew something bad was going to happen, and I told you to leave, would you?"

He slowed his pace. "It would… depend, my lady. Probably not. I have a duty."

Her face fell. She'd known that would be his answer. "It's worth any sacrifice", Anders' voice echoed in her head.

"What do you know?" he asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter. Keep going."

He thrust his hips furiously as she begged him to go faster and harder, and they kissed roughly to silence each other's moans.

"What in the flaming Void is this?!" Aveline's voice cut through their post-coital glow. She stood in the opened doorway, her face a mask of shock. She quickly stepped in and closed the door behind her. "Have you both gone mad?!" she demanded, looking between Hawke and her partner.

He blushed furiously and moved lightning fast to redress himself. "This isn't what it looks like, Guard-Captain…" he stammered.

Aveline glared at him sternly. "Do I look like an idiot? You have the Champion of Kirkwall bent over the Viscount's desk, man!"

"Yes, but… err…"

"Save it. The Knight-Commander is waiting to start the speeches. You've disgraced yourself and broken your vows. Get out of here, I need to speak to Hawke."

Hawke stood and flung her arms around him, kissing him deeply one last time. Even if they hadn't already planned this being the last time, now that they'd been discovered, they had no choice. Aveline cleared her throat, and they broke apart, Hawke reaching up and wiping her lipstick off his mouth with her thumb. They shared one last look, and he stepped past her, walking out of the office.

Hawke's eyes came to rest on Aveline. "What?" she asked petulantly.

"You have pulled some ridiculous stunts in the last few years Hawke, but this is just… What were you thinking of?!"

Hawke smiled. "I think it's pretty obvious what I was thinking of, Aveline. You're a married woman, I'd have thought you would understand."

Hawke took a step back when she realised that Aveline looked ready to hit her. She'd only been hit by the Guard-Captain once, when Aveline had discovered how close Hawke had become with Anders. It hadn't been pleasant, and her back two teeth were still loose because if it.

"I am a married woman, that's right. And you are not. And I have just caught you with your legs wrapped around the last man in Kirkwall that you could ever marry!"

Hawke scoffed. "I wasn't proposing to him Aveline. I was getting fu-"

"Stop it Hawke! This self-destruction needs to end. I know you've had a rough few years, but Maker's breath girl, get yourself together."

"Well, you needn't worry yourself about it. That was the last time."

"What?! What do you mean that was the last time? I thought it was the first time!"

Hawke smirked. "Surprise."

"Andraste's sword, you're a fool. Do you know how hard people have worked to keep you out of the Gallows? And you've been gallivanting around with him?"

Hawke nodded angrily. "Yes, people have protected me. Like you. Protecting me from information that I had every right to know."

"Hawke…"

"No, Aveline. I should have heard that Isabela was back from you, not some shady elf who sold me the information for a handful of sovereigns. I deserved to know."

Aveline shook her head sadly. "No, you didn't. You didn't deserve any of the things she put you through, least of all having her pop up out of nowhere after all this time to mess with your head again."

"Aveline, I say this with love, but please, listen to me. I am not a fucking baby. I am 27 years old. Why do you always treat me with cotton gloves? I downed the top Qunari General in single combat, and you still treat me like a slight breeze would break me."

"It's a force of habit, Hawke. You're strong now, but for a long time, you weren't. Even now, your strength is only fuelled by how angry you are with the world. You can't keep that up forever."

Hawke threw her arms up. "Does it matter what fuels it? I'm strong, that's the main thing. I can handle anything that this shitty world has to offer. Nothing can hurt me anymore."

Aveline crossed her arms. "You saw her, didn't you? That's what this insanity is about."

Hawke leaned her hands on the desk. "Yes, I saw her."

"You are just following stupidity with stupidity. Why would you see her? You should be over her, Hawke."

Hawke frowned at Aveline. "Says you! You wouldn't even accept the Feast Day gift I got you last year because replacing Wesley's shield was too much for you. Don't give me lessons in moving on!"

"That was different. Wesley died!"

"Different? Why? Because the person you loved was taken from you, and the person I loved left me by choice? Is that honestly supposed to make it easier for me?"

Aveline sighed, admitting defeat. It was rare for Hawke to discuss Isabela at all, let alone the damage her absence had caused. "No, I suppose you're right. Nobody can tell you how long to grieve for someone, especially not me. I'm sorry Hawke. Just, promise me that the next time I catch you with your legs in the air, it's not going to be with him. Or Isabela. Or, in a wildly inappropriate location, for that matter!"

"I promise" Hawke said.

Aveline looked at her doubtfully. Hawke was still a terrible liar.