I Forgot to Remember to Forget

Alex woke with a start in the unfamiliar surroundings, her arm reaching out and finding nothing but an empty space in the bed next to her.

"Gene?" She sat up, blinking in the darkness.

"I'm here."

She turned towards his voice and towards the only chink of light illuminating the pitch black of the hotel room, coming from the window where he was standing. "What are you doing?"

There was a pause before he answered. "Watching. Thinking."

She watched him for a moment, her brow creased in concern as she contemplated his features, his profile in shadows cast by the brilliant moon. "Come back to bed."

"Why?"

His voice held a tone of genuine puzzlement rather than deliberate intent to hurt – he'd never been known to question an invitation to bed before. But the life they knew before had been turned upside down in the past few hours so she forgave him.

"Because you're tired and it's the middle of the night." She paused, biting her lip in an attempt to hold back more tears. "And because I'm scared," she whispered.

She heard rather than saw him turn back towards her, the bed dipping under his weight as he sat next to her on the bed. With a soft click, he turned on the bedside lamp and the darkness was dissipated by a soft dull glow.

"Better?" he asked.

"A bit."

Wordlessly he lay down beside her, leaning on one arm as he faced her and began to stroke her cheek. "Nothing to be scared of – not while I'm here."

They were both still fully clothed, having collapsed onto the bed a few hours earlier with sheer exhaustion. It hadn't taken Alex much to persuade Gene it was too late to drive all the way back to London and they had stopped at a small motel just outside Birmingham . This was after having established that he couldn't just click his heels and whisk them back to Fenchurch East on willpower alone.

She reached out and touched his arm. "I've just found out I'm dead – I think there's plenty to be scared of don't you?"

"True. But you've also just found out there's life after death so it can't all be bad eh?"

She smiled at him. "Look at you - Mr Optimistic."

"Yeah, well don't tell everyone. Don't want to spoil me image – what's left of it that is."

She paused and then said quietly. "We have to tell them Gene."

"Who?"

"The team. Shaz and Ray especially. We have to tell them what this world is…what's happened to them. They deserve the truth. "

"Does it matter now? Really?"

"Of course it matters. Because maybe then I'll have accomplished something – even if it wasn't for myself."

"Still trying to fix the world eh?" He wound a strand of her hair around his fingers, still marvelling at the softness, at the beauty of her in such a bizarre world.

She moved closer against him and felt his arms go around her giving her that wonderful feeling of warmth and security. Apparently some things didn't change. "Did you never try to fix this place? Or the people in it?" she mumbled against his chest.

"Didn't realise they needed fixing – not in the way you mean. I just did my job Alex. They came to me, and I did my job."

She looked up at him. "What happened? I mean, after you were shot." She ran her fingers softly over his jaw. "What happened to that young man? You look nothing like him now."

He paused for such a long while that she thought he wasn't going to answer – or that he'd fallen asleep. But then his voice rumbled up from his chest. "I woke up in hospital. They said I'd been there for a month. It hurt like shit and I was bandaged up to kingdom come but after that I felt the same as I always did. I looked the same as I always did."

"Life carried on?"

He uttered a short bark of laughter. "I thought it was life Bols – turns out I was wrong. Anyway, I grew up, that's what happened to me. I recovered from the shooting and I grew up. Getting older and more cynical by the day."

"Did you never guess that…that something was wrong…that you weren't…."

"That I wasn't in Kansas any more? I had nightmares of course…at the beginning that is. But I just pushed them away…the drink helped a bit. And then things started to get better, I started to fit in more. Suppose after the shooting I'd learnt me lesson – I just wanted to get on and not rock the boat. I took me first bung a few weeks after I was back on the beat." He sighed and then closed his eyes. "Just seemed the easiest thing to do."

Alex's heart ached for him…for the young man he had been and the older man he now was. "I understand," she said softly, before gently kissing his forehead.

He opened his eyes again, riveting blue eyes that bored into her. "Do you?" he said. "I wish I bloody understood what the hell's going on." He paused, head cocked to one side. "But you knew…when you first got here…you knew something wasn't right?"

She nodded slowly. "I had a bit of an advantage I suppose. I'd listened to Sam's recordings of his experiences here. I just assumed that when I was shot…" she gulped and took a deep breath… "When Layton shot me, I just presumed that I was in some sort of coma, that I was rehashing Sam's experiences. I kept on fighting to stay alive…I fought so hard to get back to Molly...my baby…"

"I know you did love. Come here." He held her tightly as tears once again threatened to overwhelm her. "I wish I could have helped Alex or at least known what you were going through. But I swear to you I never knew, never realised what was going on. And now it's too late."

She sniffed and dried her tears. "Maybe you weren't supposed to help. Maybe you couldn't. I was shot in the head Gene. Perhaps I never stood a chance…I just couldn't accept that. Not then."

"You always were a contrary mare."

"Thanks," she said with the beginnings of a smile. "So what now?"

"Well, seems to me like we've still got a job to do and tomorrow we'd best get on and do it."

"Ray and Shaz?"

He nodded reluctantly. "They've been here too long Bolly – Ray especially."

"And Keats? What about him?"

Gene pouted, his stubborn chin now resolute. "Yeah, him an' all. One way or another me and laughing boy are gonna have this out. Last man standing." He glanced at the bedside clock. "Still a few hours to kill before dawn – we'll make an early start. You should get some sleep." He reached out to turn out the light but Alex stopped him.

"Leave the light on. Please?"

He nodded understandingly. He wasn't all that keen on the darkness himself at the moment.

Meanwhile, Alex tossed and turned and wriggled and tried to get into a more comfortable position, turning this way and that before sighing and getting out of bed.

"What now?"

"I can't sleep fully clothed," she said, as she pulled her jumper over her head.

"Well you were managing a few hours ago!"

"Yes well I woke up didn't I? And now I can't sleep."

Gene watched as Alex wiggled off her jeans, eyes on stalks as she divested herself of underwear and climbed back into bed – naked this time under the covers. His eyes narrowed as his body began to react to her nearness and the sight of so much soft gorgeous skin. He shook his head in amazement. Only a few hours ago he would have sworn he'd never feel anything ever again, let alone the deep pangs of lust he was now feeling at the sight of Alex's body.

"Are you just going to lie there?" she said into the semi-darkness.

Gene looked down at his own fully clothed body, thought about it for a nanosecond, and then leapt out of bed, ripped off his own clothes and then dived back under the covers to join Alex, who smiled at him and then shivered as he wrapped her in his arms. He tentatively kissed her lips, unable to escape the thought of how much had changed since they had last made love.

Alex seemed to sense his train of thought and stroked his cheek as they looked at each other. "Nothing has changed….not where it matters…not between us. I love you – I always will."

"I know," Gene said quietly. He kissed her, softly at first but then with growing passion as she responded instinctively to his touch. A smile quirked at his lips. "Bloody good job I love you too then. Now get yer arse over here and let's prove there's life in the old dog yet eh?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ray wandered into an unnaturally quiet CID casually waving around a sawn-off shotgun – much to Shaz's disgust.

"Ray! Would you stop waving that thing around! It could go off in someone's face."

"That's the trouble with women – no appreciation for the important things in life. Anyway blokes are used to handling things that might go off unexpectedly."

Shaz raised her eyebrows but refused to rise to the sexist bait. "Whatever. Where did it come from anyway?"

"Terry and Bammo nicked it from some scrote last week. Well tasty."

"If you say so Ray."

"Funny that's what the Skip said an' all. Normally he's well up for it but..."

Shaz shook her head. "You have no idea do you?"

"What?"

"Viv was nearly killed by some idiot brandishing a gun! Don't you think he might still be a bit wary?"

"Never thought about it like that."

"No, I don't suppose you did." She looked around the almost deserted office. "Where is everyone anyway?"

"Terry and Bammo are out chasing up leads – we've had some reported sighting of Keats around the station. Poirot's gone to get bacon sarnies.

"Figures," Shaz said with a smile. Poirot couldn't go a full hour without scoffing something or other.

"Anyway, I've got everything in hand – without the Guv and Drake so..."

A ringing phone interrupted whatever Ray had been going to say. They both looked at the ringing phone with Shaz finally moving towards it.

"I'll get it," Ray said, brushing her aside. "DI Carling, CID."

"Listen carefully Ray because I'm only going to say this once."

Ray frantically waved at Shaz to pick up the extension and mouthed one word to her...'Keats'."

Keats chuckled. "Don't bother trying to trace the call Ray. I'm far too clever for that. Just listen to what I have to say..." He began to talk.

As Keats talked and talked Ray's eye's widened with shock and disbelief. He glanced over at Shaz to see the same shock registered on her face.

"Do you understand Ray?" Keats finally said.

Ray nodded numbly and then realised he couldn't be seen. "Yeah...yeah."

"Write this location down."

Ray scribbled on the back of an envelope, his mind still reeling from Keats' revelations.

"Make sure the Guv is there at 12 o'clock today."

The phone line went dead leaving Ray and Shaz still holding the phone receivers but seemingly frozen with shock.

"It's not true Ray," Shaz said finally, slowly replacing the receiver.

"Yeah?"

"Yes! This the Guv we're talking about. He wouldn't do that – he wouldn't deceive us. Besides, this is Keats – the man who killed my Chris. Would you trust his word over the Guv's?"

Ray hesitated. "I dunno..I just dunno any more. He slammed the phone down and stumbled towards the door.

"Ray! Where are you going?"

"I just need some air..."

He stumbled along the corridor clutching his chest, thinking he was having some sort of panic attack. He rested his head against the nearest door and tried to take some deep breaths, remembering how Alex had taught him relaxation techniques. Psycho-bollocks he had thought at the time but now it seemed to be working and he felt the tightness in his chest gradually subside. And then he heard a noise.

He looked up and saw that he had been leaning against the door of the comms room. There was definitely a noise coming from inside. Voices. He slowly opened the door and gingerly peered around. "Hello? Who's there?" There was no answer but he made his way deeper into the room which was packed with radios, PC terminals and VCR's. And then he suddenly saw where the noise was coming from, a smile of relief as he realised that someone had obviously left a television running – probably someone catching up with the racing results. He moved to switch it off but the screen flickered, and the picture changed.

He tried to tear his eyes away but he was hypnotised as the television picture showed a man slumped on a sofa, a mess. It was him! He was drinking straight from the a bottle, sitting in a poky bedsit and watching Trooping of the Colour on television and obviously trying to drink himself into oblivion. TV Ray was looking at his warrant card now, a sneer on his face as he threw it into the nearest waste bin.

"I didn't mean it," both Rays' said in unison.

On the screen a phone rang and Ray answered and then grabbed his jacket and ran out of the door. The screen flickered and the scene changed to a burning building, firemen and police everywhere and people still running from the building in panic.

Ray looked at the still inebriated Ray on screen and tried to turn away, knowing what was coming but unable to do anything about it. He saw words exchanged, something about getting everyone out. On screen Ray nodded and agreed – but he waited until the fireman had left him alone. He stood staring into the smoke and flames a calm acceptance coming over him. With a deep breath he ran into the burning building, almost immediately feeling the overwhelmingly heat and the flames licking at his flesh. He welcomed the excruciating pain with open arms.

"I'm sorry Dad," both Rays' said.

The screen went blank.

"Ray?"

He started at the voice and the tap at the door but couldn't bring himself to move. He was rooted to the spot.

"Ray?" Shaz said again, this time coming further into the room. "I heard a noise. Are you okay?"

Still he didn't answer. Shaz walked towards him, now seriously worried about his state of mind – especially after what Keats had said..not that she believed one word of that nonsense. She gently touched Ray on the arm. "Fancy a cup of tea?"

They both jumped as the television burst into life again.

Ray was galvanised into life. He grabbed Shaz's arm. "Gotta get out of here...now!"

But Shaz resisted. "What's wrong?" She turned to look at the tv screen. "Hold on...that's me!"

"You don't need to see that ...come on!"

Shaz pulled away with some force. "No! I want to see."

She watched in fascination as she saw herself patrolling the streets of London, smiling to herself as she walked. And then the smiled disappeared as she spotted a young lad trying to break into a parked car.

"Stop right there. Drop it!"

She gave chase but the young lad turned quickly, stabbing Shaz in the stomach with the screwdriver he had been using to break into the car. She slumped against a wall clutching her stomach, staring at her own blood and the screwdriver now lying on the ground, abandoned as her assailant made his escape.

"No...no..." Shaz whispered as she stared at the screen. She turned to Ray. "NO!"

"Come on Shaz." Ray moved towards her.

"It isn't fair Ray...why me? I was only 26...I never had a life really. No husband, no children, no career! It's not fair."

"I know love but..." Ray put his arm around her and tried to offer some comfort but she pushed him away.

"Leave me alone. I want my mum!"

Ray watched helplessly as Shaz ran out of the room.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Alex licked her lips nervously as Gene killed the engine of the Quattro. She looked out of the window and up towards the familiar façade of the station. She didn't know why but she had expected it to look different.

"Home sweet home," she said under her breath.

"Yeah." Gene barely glanced at the station – or Alex for that matter. The journey back to London had been endless and eventually the friendly bickering had subsided into silence as they had both lost themselves in private thought. Too much thought in Gene's case and an angry burning resentment was simmering just below the surface. Even more annoying to Gene was that he didn't know exactly who he was angry at! Not Alex of course – she was just as much the victim here as he was. He felt a deep frustration that there was no-one he could point at and say 'This is your fault'.

They both stepped out of the car and walked towards the station but Gene was still lost in thought. Why him? He had survived a violent and abusive childhood, even survived armed jungle combat and for what? To be shot down in cold blood, set up by his own colleagues because he had shopped a bloke who was taking bungs on the side. Was this another example of God's warped sense of humour?

"Gene?"

He felt Alex's hand on his arm and he realised that they were now standing outside of CID.

"Are you ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

He took a deep breath and pushed open the doors.

. . . . . . to be continued