I Remember Love
A Becoming Jane-story
By: jakeline
Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended.
Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite.
Author's note: I'm so sorry for the late update. My mind has been elsewhere these last few weeks.
Part 38: In which Tom is back
Jane Austen could not believe she had actually fallen asleep. As she woke up she found that Tom was standing by the window looking out. The sun was up and the sky clear.
"Tom?" She sat up. "How are you feeling?" He turned slowly towards her.
"I am feeling as before, but a few bits of my past have come back to me," said he. She thought he looked a bit different from last night. Calmer perhaps.
"That is good news," said Jane and smiled encouragingly.
"I suppose so," said Tom, but looked rather unhappy. "But all I remember are things from my childhood and youth. Nothing recent." Jane's brow furrowed.
"It will come back to you, I am sure," she said reassuringly. "Has Mr Phelps been here to see you?"
"No, nobody has been here," replied Tom. "But I did see someone leave on horseback perhaps an hour ago." Jane felt relieved.
"That was probably Mr Phelps going to fetch the physician," said she.
"But I am not hurt," objected Tom.
"I know that. But something is amiss. You need to let a physician take a look at you. Something must be causing the memory loss," said Jane calmly.
"Yes, you are right, of course," said Tom, but did not look convinced and turned to the window again. Jane realised he was frightened of what the doctor might find. But since he had started remembering things, Jane was sure his condition was not permanent. There where so many unasked questions in his eyes. Questions Jane knew she could not answer. He would not let her know how much and what he remembered.
Jane watched him fearfully as he stood silently looking out the window with a thoughtful look on his face. She wished there was something she could do for him, but alas, there was nothing. Nothing ever went as planned, Jane knew that by now. But life still took her by surprise from time to time. It was as if someone above had it in for her. Tears began to rise in her eyes and she had to look away.
"I will go see to breakfast," said she and left him before he had the chance to turn and offer a reply.
-xxx-
Tom could see the combination of pain and relief on her face. But there was nothing he could do or say to offer her any reassurance before he remembered more. There were so many things he would want to ask her about but he was not sure she could give him the answers. He hoped the physician could give him some answers regarding his condition at least. At the same time Tom was afraid that he would that there was nothing wrong with him.
He could hear the tears in her voice when she said she was going to see to breakfast. But before he could utter another word she was out of the room, her hurried footsteps disappearing down the hall. Tom felt trapped, trapped in his body and trapped in this unknown house. He wished more memories would come back to him to make him feel more certain that his condition was only temporary. But there was nothing, only hazy images of children he could not remember the names of. The harder he tried the farther the images from his passed seemed.
Frustrated he started pacing the room. There was something in the back of his head that was constantly gnawing at him for attention. Just as he thought he had it within his grasp it was gone. He got the feeling that Jane was not the only one who depended on him. Somewhere out there, there were more people counting on him. But who? And why? He sighed. Once again he found himself in front of the window, gazing out over the white landscape, as if the white landscape held the answer to his current predicament.
His blue eyes swept over the plains outside, eagerly drinking in his surroundings, trying to figure out what this place was. The snow glistened in the sunlight and was still undisturbed by human or animal touch. It was truly a beautiful day. It was a blank slate, a beginning of something new. Tom could feel it, but could not understand why that thought crossed his mind. Perhaps it was because of his current situation, perhaps it was because of something that had happened before, but it did feel like something significant had happened in his life just not long ago.
-xxx-
Jane fingered on the necklace Tom had given her that summer. She was truly worried about him. The idea of him not remembering was terrifying and she did not want to think of what would happen if he did not remember anything more.
"My husband left about an hour ago, Miss Austen," said Mrs Phelps as Jane sat down by the table in the kitchen, helping her making sandwiches.
"I hope he get there safely. The roads must be very difficult to travel, Mrs Phelps," said Jane. "Did you get any sleep at all?" She saw the tiredness in the other woman's face.
"Only a few hours, Miss. How about you?"
"I must have dozed off some time during the night. Mr Lefroy was up when I woke," said Jane.
"And how is he?"
"As before," sighed Jane. Her worry must have shown, because Mrs Phelps sat down next to her and took Jane's hands in hers, pressing them and trying to infuse Jane with some of her own strength.
"I am sure there is nothing to worry about, Miss Austen. You will see that everything will be sorted out as my husband returns with the doctor," said Mrs Phelps reassuringly. Jane wanted to believe her and share her optimism, but she could not. She rose and walked over to the window, gazing out into the whiteness outside. She folded her arms around her waist as to shield herself from reality. Behind her she could hear Mrs Phelps finishing the breakfast tray, minding her own business. The serene scenery outside did not offer any answers, however. Jane was as helpless as she had been before.
If only Tom could start remembering more things from his past and present, that would calm her mind considerably. Her hand flew up to the necklace again, as if to give her some kind of reassurance. She sent a silent prayer to the Lord and Mary to help her in this pressing time of need.
"Here we are then, Miss Austen," said Mrs Phelps behind her. "All finished to be taken to Mr Lefroy." Jane turned and forced a smile on her face. Mr and Mrs Phelps had been so helpful to her and Tom. She did not know what she would have done if they were not here.
"Thank you, Mrs Phelps," said Jane and took the tray out of her hands. "Please send Mr Phelps and the doctor to the drawing room as soon as they arrive."
"Will do, Miss."
-xxx-
He heard her steps coming closer and he forced a calm look on his face as he turned his back to the window. No more answers had come, no new memories had resurfaced. Tom found it most disturbing. He noticed the haunted look on her face as she entered as he saw her dark eyes were clouded with worry. He tried to smile, but he felt it freeze into a stale grimace instead. He could not pretend not to be worried. He did not want to pretend in front of her. There was no need for that. She was the only person he knew to trust right now.
She walked over and put the tray down on the little table, trying to look unbothered. She poured two cups of tea for them and then sat down with her hands in her lap. Tom went over and took a cup, but as there was only one chair, he remained standing.
"Do you want to sit?" asked Jane as she saw him stand.
"No, that is fine, you can sit. We can take turns," said he. She nodded and took her cup of tea and sipped carefully on the hot liquid. Her hand shivered slightly as she reached for a sandwich. He was struck by the love he felt for her, a strange need to take care of her. Tom still was not sure what they had together, but he was sure they belonged together. But he had married someone else.
"Have a sandwich," she said and turned her dark eyes to meet his. "You must be hungry." He did as he was told.
"I still do not see what a physician can do to help my situation, Jane," said he after a while.
"I would feel much calmer after he has examined you," said Jane and rose. Her hand flew up to her neck where it found a necklace with a heart of gold in it. She fingered on it for a while. Tom knew he had seen it before. Just as he recognised it as a gift to her from himself as a small token of his affection for her a steady stream of more memories came rushing back. It hit him with such power that he felt dizzy and had to sit down.
"Tom, are you alright?" Jane knelt down next to him.
"Yes, I am fine!" cried he, happy as he remembered everything. Mary's death, his children, Jane, what had happened after the meeting by the pond all those years ago, his uncle… "I remember!" Her dark eyes lit up.
"Everything?" she whispered, unbelievingly.
"Everything," he nodded and took her in his arms. "This is our future home, Jane." Jane nodded through tears. "Future Mrs Thomas Langlois Lefroy…" She buried her face in his neck and cried. Tom felt the tears trickle down his own face. Never had he felt such relief.
-TBC-
I hope it was worth the long wait.