Disclaimer: This is still just Roth's world and I am still just a squirrel trying to get my nuts into the mix ;)

Chapter 39 - What's It Gonna Be

Kat

What's it gonna be 'cause I can't pretend?

Will we ever be more than friends?

Hold me tight and don't let go

Don't let go

Have the right to lose control

Don't let go

I often tell myself

That we could be more than just friends

I know you think that if we move too soon

It would only end

I live in misery when you're not around

And I won't be satisfied 'til we're taking those vows

There'll be some lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking

There'll be some lovemaking, heartbreaking, soul shaking

What's it gonna be 'cause I can't pretend?

Will we ever be more than friends?

Hold me tight and don't let go

Don't let go

Have the right to lose control

Don't let go

Running in and out my life has got me so confused

You gotta make the sacrifice

Somebody's gotta choose

We can make it if we try for the sake of you and I

Together we can make it right

What's it gonna be 'cause I can't pretend?

Will we ever be more than friends?

Hold me tight and don't let go

Don't let go

Have the right to lose control

Don't let go

Have the right to lose control

Don't let go

Have the right to lose control

Don't let go

[Don't Let Go, Deepfield]

From the moment we woke up I have been at war with myself. Three times we almost kiss, coming so very close to something just yesterday I wanted more than anything. The thing was most of me still wanted that very much.

But the part of me that was winning, making me hesitant, was the part that was now too scared to. Scared that I didn't really know what Eric wanted or expected. If I would end up just being another girl he 'hooked up' with. Wondering if I could or would be enough to hold his interest or was I just a novelty? A challenge because of where I came from or my inexperience? All these doubts, insecurities, fears and hurt were clouding things. I realize as he is holding onto me as if his life depended on it, on me, that I wasn't being fair to him or myself right now.

I just didn't know how to handle this. Chase said I should try not to hold it against him and in a way, even though I wasn't angry with him, I was still hurt enough that I was holding it a little against him.

And now I had even bigger things to worry about. I had somehow known I was treading on dangerous territory when telling my three guys about my past. When I saw their reactions, Eric's reaction to finding out about me being shot, I had an inkling it would be bad if he ever found out about everything that happened to me back in Abnegation. It could possibly turn them against my former faction and that couldn't happen. Because it wasn't the entire faction, just one man with way too much power that had been allowed it all because of the way the system was set up.

I also knew that I couldn't lie to Eric and I couldn't avoid this forever. It was going to come out one way or the other. I just didn't know how to tell him when I had barely begun to deal with those things myself. I had been in survival mode, a blend in and protect my family mode. There had been no time or luxury to think about, really think about, what was happening to me. I buried it all but I think it was coming to the surface.

I did feel safe in Eric's arms, like he would protect me from anything that might try to hurt me. I had to ask myself though, what was going to protect me from him? From him hurting me?

I start to loosen my hold from where my arms had wound themselves tightly around his neck but he pulled me tighter against him and growled.

"Not yet." He mumbled against my neck, making me shiver as his lips brushed along the skin there.

I squeezed my eyes shut as he doesn't stop there, almost like he can't. Just like I can't stop my own from seeking out the crook of his neck either. Where I start placing testing and tentative kisses along his skin. His turn hungrier and move up farther until he gets to my jaw.

I moan and my fingers curl into his shoulders where I had went to grip him.

Eric moans my name and his hands move up to my hair, fisting it with both hands and wrapping it in a grip that is both firm but gentle.

I had no choice but to stop kissing on him when he moved to tilt my head back and grazed kisses and his teeth along my neck and jaw. I was lost, losing myself in this moment and him. Just before I let myself surrender though I knew that if I were going to stop it again, it would need to be now.

If his lips meet mine I will never want him to stop. I don't want him to stop.

The moment and silence of the morning is broken by the shrill alarm of both our watches going off in tandem, causing me to jump and him to growl and curse.

"Fucking of course." He pants and pulls back then goes to stop his alarm. He takes my arm to stop my alarm for me. Then he takes my hand in his while the other goes to cup the side of my face, his eyes holding mine.

I feel the heat of both a blush and the passion I was feeling even more keenly now that I have this new sensitivity issue. The heat from his hand feels like a brand against my cheek, marking me as his. Something I realize I had been from that first morning if I were being honest. Maybe even from that lunch when he looked down the table and his blue eyes unlocked a part of me I never knew existed.

"Eric" I breathe out softly then swallow at the words I need to say. That I need to ask. "I went to find you in the Pit last night."

His reaction is immediate. He tenses, his forehead forming into wrinkles of worry. His eyes flash with guilt and my stomach drops. That one look confirming everything I knew but didn't want to be true. I close my eyes as the tears burn them fiercely.

"Kat, I…." His voice is strained and angry but I can't bring myself to look at him.

I shake my head, trying to shake away the pain. "It's ok." I gasp out and try to hold in the choked sob but fail. "You...I mean...we're friends...and you have never said…"

"Goddammit, look at me Kat." He barks out and his tone is harsh but his hand on my cheek is still gentle as his thumb runs along with it. "Fucking...please…"

I open my eyes, the tears spilling out as soon as I do. "You don't need to say anything, Eric. I just needed too…."

"The fuck I don't need to say anything. It has been killing me all fucking night, baby." His tone and eyes hold me and I see true regret in them. He takes a breath and lets it out slowly. "It is killing me right now knowing I did that to you. Especially when...I didn't even...I mean you are and were the one I wanted, Kat. You realize this, right?"

No I don't! I don't understand any of this!

It's what I want to yell and scream at him but I don't. I swallow that and try to keep it from showing but once again I really need to learn how to keep everything from showing.

"You didn't? Gods, I am such a fucking bastard." He growls and lets his hand drop before pushing it through his hair angrily.

Somehow seeing his anger at himself calms mine. And I take a breath. "Explain it to me, Eric. Because I don't know what this is between us. What you expect or want. I don't understand, if you wanted me….why? Do you want me and her? Or is just because she is so much more…" I huff and choke back the sob "I don't know how any of this works and I…"

I trail off lost in the hurt but also the anger I hadn't felt before was now appearing. Angry that if he wanted me so damn much why was he with someone else?

"Fuck. I was not prepared to have this conversation right now." He huffs and shakes his head. "From the moment I met you Kat, all I have wanted was you. Not just...not just physically. I don't want only that and I sure as fuck don't want you to only want that from me. But Kat….us...during initiation, is so not the best idea. If it were just about me I wouldn't fucking care but it isn't. There are so many reasons I wanted to wait. Fucking promised myself I would wait."

I bite my lip, a little bit of the anger fading away, and then mimic what he had been doing with me after he had let his head fall down and not looking at me. I cupped the side of his face and stroked his jaw with my thumb. "Eric, look at me."

He lets out a shaky breath and raises his eyes to meet mine. Before I can speak his eyes pin me in place. "If you never want a fucking thing to do with me again, Kat, I will get it. I'll walk away and believe me, you will be better off for it. God knows I am the last man you need, I'm not good enough for you by fucking half. Just know, it won't stop me from still wanting you or wanting to protect you."

I was going to say something but in that moment I don't remember what the words had been. The wounded look in his eyes, the fully expectant look he had that he just knew exactly what I was going to do...walk away and leave him...took them all away.

Chase was right. Eric and I are both in new territory here. He is just as scared by this as I am, just as afraid of getting hurt.

So instead of answering him with words, I lean forward, watching as his eyes widen slightly before my lips press against his.

Then the floodgate opened up for us both and swept us under.

His hands go back to curling in my hair while his mouth dominates mine. There is no gentleness in the kiss and I love it. I crave it, the way he nipped at my bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth. I moaned at the way he flicked his tongue out against the seam of my lips and caused them to open. I whimpered for more when he plunged his tongue into my mouth and felt the hum burst from my chest when he groaned after I curled my tongue against his.

The kiss, this magnificent kiss, my real first kiss, was only broken when my hands had started to wander. He gave a pained groan before catching my hands and stilling them in one of his large hands. He slowed the kiss and let us come back, gasping for air and panting.

"Jesus, I don't want to fucking stop."

"Sounds good to me." I pant out with a nod and move to try and pull him back. He gives a groan and a chuckle all in one and pulls back to look at me causing me to scowl.

"I knew it would be like that. You have no clue how much I want to." His nostrils are flared and the pupil of his eyes blown wide while he bites his bottom lip. "I need you to listen to me, Kat. My reasons for wanting to wait, they still exist. But it is so fucking clear to me that trying to keep it as just friends is causing us both more pain than it would be helping us."

I swallow and try to regulate my breathing, to focus again but that is easier said then done. My hormones, released for the first time, were just running wild and running the show in Katland right now.

I let out a slow breath and nod. "Ok...so what does that…"

"It means that we have to set rules or boundaries here. For starters, there will be no more other women. There wasn't to begin with even if I might have…"

I shake my head with a scowl. "I don't want to…"

He takes my chin and makes me look at him again after I closed my eyes and has his stern face on. "No, I am not going to go into detail with you baby but you need to know. No lies between us either. I need you to know anything I might have done in the past doesn't mean shit. I meant nothing to them just as much as they meant nothing to me. I was a status symbol to them, Kat. Something to mark on their score board saying they had done a leader. They were just a physical need met for me. They were and never would be you or what I want with you. Can you understand that?"

I nod slowly, and curse myself for the tears of happiness that start to sting my eyes. Eric frowns and curses. "Then why are you crying?" He growls out.

"Because...I didn't think there was any way you could want me over girls like her." I answer honestly, letting him see that part of me. The insecurity that had plagued me from the moment he had awakened me.

His scowl gets deeper and he lets out a huff. "One day kitten, I am going to get you to truly see how beautiful you are. But for now I just need you to know that I find you beautiful. I meant it that day when I said it and I mean it just as much now."

He gently wipes away the tears and pulls me closer to his chest, holding me close to him. "So...are we..dating?" I ask a little timidly.

His chest rumbles against mine in a quiet chuckle. "You're mine and I'm yours. I don't know what the label for that is exactly. Though, just dating doesn't seem quite right. I think I have considered things we have been doing together dating, I guess. Or just my really messed up version of it." He grumbled the last part causing me to laugh a little against his shoulder.

"Is it messed up for me to think that those were dates too?"

"No, it's a fucking relief. At least I know you won't expect flowers or candy, or I seriously have no clue what else, but just know it isn't going to happen with me."

I smirk and pull back with a shrug. "I'll stick with coffee on rooftops, training in the mornings and the promised zip-lining."

He smiles his blinding smile and strokes a thumb over my lips before he frowns. "Kat, there are things I still want to wait on until after initiation. No matter how much I might want to not wait. I made promises to myself and...there are reasons. But we also can't let anyone know about this until after initiation either. I mean other than Chase and Zach who were already saying I just needed to tell you already. I am guessing Lynn knows something and as long as she can keep it to herself she can know. But anyone else and it puts you too much at risk, physically but also for shit to be said about you."

I scowl at the reminder of the things I heard yesterday in the dining hall and pit. "I don't give a shit about what is said."

"I do baby. I don't want what happened to me to happen to you. You don't deserve it." His bitter tone at the end let me know that he believed he did deserve it.

"You don't and didn't deserve it." I say softly to him.

He shakes his head. "You don't know…"

"Eric, do you think I could have been friends with Four and not hear things. Heard the implications or insinuations. And before you go looking for him, who am I with right now? Who had my attention from the moment I saw him in a way Four never would." I put my hand on his chest when I felt as if he was about to move me from his lap right then and go after Four.

He took a deep breath and put his forehead against mine. "Do you know, I have always felt like a second choice when compared to him. No matter what I do, what I give; never feels enough. Like I will never be as good as he is but he will never know…"

I swallow and close my eyes. "He would never step up enough to know."

Eric lets out a huff of a breath and laughs. "Jesus, this is just a morning for all kinds of firsts for me. You might be the first that has really gotten that, besides Chase and Zach that is."

I shrug and smile. "Eric, I see him for who he is good and bad. I need you to know that; I might not like him much at all right now but he was once my best friend. He still is a friend but there are issues and hurt that might never go away. I hope one day it will though and I just need to be truthful with you about that."

Another growl before he doesn't use words and instead uses a kiss. This one is not so much hungry as it is possessive and claiming. Letting me know with his mouth and showing my body who I belong to. Something it completely agrees with as my back arches into him and I moan, letting my head fall back as he trails kisses down my neck.

His phone buzzes and causes us to once more break apart. Once again with him cursing and me panting and laughing. He checks it with a sigh before sending something back in response.

"We have to go, kitten. As much as I want to say fuck it to our training today, we can't. Also Chase is threatening to send Tris after us if we don't get down there for coffee." Eric grumbles all this out after putting his phone up.

"Why would he send Tris after us?" I ask with a laugh. Not that I totally didn't think my sister wouldn't be a challenge, because she will be.

Eric sighs and rolls his eyes. "Apparently hell hath no fury like the Prior women. Your sister stormed the leader's offices demanding to be taken to you or you brought to her. Then just before you showed up she once again tried to demand the same thing."

I slap a hand over my mouth, my eyes wide and shaking my head. I could just imagine it too. It was rare but when Tris let her fiery side out it was something to behold. "Oh no. And she's still…."

"Alive to tell the tale?" Eric smirks at me before leaning in to kiss my forehead. "Maybe we were impressed with the balls she showed. Or maybe I am just going soft."

I bite my lip and wiggle in his lap a little, blushing at my boldness and what I feel rubbing against me. "No, I think that isn't a problem for you. I don't feel any softness here." My tone is husky but shy as well.

Eric's nostrils flare again and his hands go to my hips to stop me from moving around. "You are going to make this very hard aren't you?"

I smirk instantly and he groans realizing what he just said. "God I hope so...and often."

His head drops to my shoulder and he groans. "Fuck me" he breathes against me.

Oh god, he is just making this too easy...even for me.

I take a breath to fire off my quip and his head pops up before he slaps a hand over my mouth, a grin on his lips and shaking his head. "Not another fucking word. I realize I am just walking into them here but you can stop at anytime. Are you going to be a good girl now?"

My eyes sparkle with a response to that one as well but I just nod, smiling into his hand. He lets my mouth go and sighs heavily. "Let's go before I lose any shred of control I have."

My face is red from containing my laughter but also from a mix of still being very much full of desire and in thought of my actions as well as comments.

I help him get the blanket folded up and he shoves it into his bag. He shoulders the bag and pulls me to his side as we walk to the door. Just after we go through it, he pulls me back and pushes me against the door. Then he claims my mouth in a kiss, in the dark of the hallway it seems even more heightened.

The feel of his entire body pressing me into the door is a new experience all together. I never truly realized how hard his entire body is, not until this moment. It makes me want to explore everything, to run my hands over him and claim him. To wipe away any traces that anyone else had ever touched what is mine.

My body is vibrating with need in a way that is almost becoming painful, causing me to moan in both pleasure and that new found aching pain. I pressed even closer to him, while my hand moved under his shirt, causing me to moan even more when it made contact with bare skin. He gave me a teasing second before he gripped my hands, pulling them away and then pinned them to the door over my head while attacking my mouth even more fiercely.

His legs bend slightly and then his hardness presses into my core. He breaks away from the kiss and breathing hard as he presses into me more. "That…" he breaths out across my face in a husky pant "...is all and only for you, angel. So the next time you doubt it, doubt me...remember this."

He pulses me into me again but more deeply and swallows the jagged moan that tears from me in another kiss. Sparks are nothing compared the flames that he is igniting and driving me wild with. He starts to pull away from the kiss and I capture his bottom lip in my mouth and bite on it softly.

"Fuck." He growls out harshly and slams his pelvis into me before he stills. Pinning me with his body while his hands still have mine pinned above my head. We sit breathing heavily against each other there in the dark. "God, I have to fucking get it together here." He mutters in the dark softly.

I know what he means. We will have to find some way to step back into the role we had gotten used to playing when out in front of everyone else. I worry that my issues with showing everything will be a problem, but I know I have to make it work. Have to do something.

I also know that we need to talk about all those reasons that he has for waiting. I need to know because I think I am going to need something to hold in my mind to keep me from just jumping him.

"Eric.." I pant out and move my hips against where he is pressed into me still, gasping as it rocks against me. Making me throb even more now and a slickness start to coat me.

"Shit, you can't do that right now, Kat. I am barely holding on." He groans and lets my arms go to grip my hips tightly.

He doesn't make a move to push me away though. In fact he is bringing me closer and I swear I feel his dick move through his pants.

"Eric, we need to talk about this, what your reasons are…" he moans and pushes into me causing my head to fall back and my arms go to the back of his neck, digging my fingernails in "oh fuck...and soon...please. It...god.." I feel even more intense throbbing between my thighs as if my blood has all decided to rush to that area, molten lava filled blood cells. "Is it supposed to feel like this?"

My voice is strained and he stops. I can feel his body instantly tensing.

"Feel like what, kitten? Am I hurting you?"

I lick my lips and shake my head, though he can't see. "It isn't a bad kind of pain just..so fucking deep and I don't know what to do." I internally cringe at the slight whine in my voice.

He relaxes a little with a deep soft chuckle and buries his head in my neck. "I think it is what you are supposed to feel when you find the right person, baby. Believe me it is new for me too."

My forehead furrows in frustration and I let that out in a sigh. "Well, is there anything...I mean can't we do something to make it better?"

"Fuckin' hope so baby, and soon." He growls out against my skin before he nips my earlobe between his teeth. He pulls away, not completely but enough that it leaves me giving a small whimper. His hand finds the side of my face in the dark and strokes my cheek. "You are right and we do need to talk."

Then the space widens between us and I hear rustling and him giving a huffing grunt. "Well that ain't fucking going anywhere anytime soon dammit. Fuck it, we have to go."

I smile into the dark, can't help that I feel smug that it isn't so easily turned off for him either. If he could only see the state of my underwear or my nipples he would be feeling the same way. I am almost sure of it actually.

"I can feel your damn smile in the dark, kitten." He mumbles as he takes my hand and pulls me to his side as we walk through the hallway like we did last night.

"I have no clue what you are talking about." The smile and chipper voice are a dead giveaway though.

He gives a chuckle beside me and squeezes before he sighs. It falls silent and the atmosphere changes. In the dark, I can feel him slipping into the role beside me. I hate it. I want to slam him against the wall, rub myself against him and get all of what we just had going on back.

We get closer to the door and it grows colder as he slips further away from me. He reaches back to me, his hand still holding mine, and squeezes. "Remember what I said, angel. We have to take this day by day but we can do it."

"Ok Eric." I sigh out and prepare myself. The light of the hallway that we come out on isn't the same one that we took from the dorm, this one is near the dining hall. Eric leads the way, his back straight and head high. I can imagine that his expression is the cold emotionless one he normally sports.

A scowl and frown forms on my face at having to put up this act. I do get the reasoning he was able to give so far. There are also the unspoken reasons that he has implied before now but also Lynn. Being with him will make me a target. A way to get back at him or just a target because of the hate others have for him, being transferred to me. I realize that I will have to prepare myself to lose friends most likely. Hopefully not the ones that matter to me, the three that have been like family to me from the first.

I know it will cause problems with two people I love for sure. The other, I can hope she will understand.

A small part of my mind, a tiny voice in the darkness that exists in all of us, asks if this is really worth it. Is he really worth it? That voice is so small and drowned out by the overwhelming emotions and feelings just the thought of him brings me.

Memories of how my body feels alive for the first time when he holds me. Memories of how telling him about that day with the factionless man had not only felt right but like I was putting it and how I felt, into safe hands. Memories of him listening to me and me feeling like he was really hearing me. There are so many more tiny moments that are bombarding that sliver of darkness, blasting it back to where it came from.

That answer your question?

Yeah there was going to be shit for my choice and I know it. But it was worth it. He is worth it, and worth fighting for.

I walk into the dining hall with my back a little straighter and little more fire in my eyes than I should probably be having but I don't care. I will play along with the act out here but the second I don't need to...Eric better be prepared. Because...I don't think I can stop m