Juliette

Auggie was so comforting. Soft, gentle… he was my white knight. And God, the way he looked at me when I said I really wanted him- I can't express how deeply gratified I am to have that effect on a person. To have someone care about me that much- it felt so nice.

And I want him to be happy too, I do- and he was. He is. And it's because of me. Is it so bad of me to want to be wanted?

Scott looked so angry. A part of me was pleased. I wouldn't wait forever and I wasn't going to be jerked around by him anymore. I wanted to hurt him. I can't just sit here and hope he'll choose me. I won't let him have us both. It's not fair to me or Shelby and it's definitely not something he deserves. I don't even know why we care about him. Why we fight over him. I mean Christ, he's an over grown baby who has been spoiled all his life into believing everything is his for the taking.

Auggie is everything I want. Everything I want to want. He may as well be perfect.

So why am I still biting my lips every time I think about Scott, why do I keep tasting the too quick kiss? Why is it that no matter how infuriating he is and no matter how much my mind tells me he isn't for me he's still the one I want to hold me and never let go?

I'm so confused right now. I'm not just using Auggie. I care about him. I really, really do. The pool of emotion I felt for him is still there- it offers so much potential. I could have a future with him. He adores me and I know that I could grow to love him again.

But as much as I tell myself that it's just lust for Scott; that it's just infatuation… I don't think I've felt any emotion as strongly as I did when we told each other it was love we felt. It's been a year. I can't just turn those feelings off. Damn it though I'm going to try.

Am I a bad person? I can't just wait around for Scott forever and no one can expect me to. This is what I'm supposed to do. Move on.

I smiled as I felt Auggie's fingers gently rest on my stomach, his other arm tightly around my shoulders and his lips brushing against my neck. I smiled as he whispered how glad he was to hear my words and how he was sorry for yelling. I smiled as he called me his girl, as he murmured Spanish lowly to my ears. I watched him leave the apartment, that dazed grin still on his face, and I tried hard to grasp the feeling inside me that I know should be there. I tried to identify the happiness, the giddiness I always used to feel around my new boyfriends. I tried to find the buzz I should be feeling over having him call me his girl, over being able to call him boyfriend. I closed my eyes.

And I felt someone sitting down next to me on my bed and I thought of Auggie. His sweet face full of puppy dog love for me. And I opened my eyes and looked into the clear blue eyes of Scott. Undeniably, I felt my stomach clench up and the light headed feeling I couldn't find for Auggie appeared unbidden. It was his blue eyes I wanted. It was his full lips I wanted. It was his blond curls I wanted. It was Auggie's emotion I wanted. It was Auggie's loyalty and respect and passion and love I wanted. Why couldn't…

He looked so sad. "I'm sorry about everything, Jules. I did it all wrong and I lashed out and ran away and I shouldn't have done any of it."

"You should be saying these things to Shelby." I chided him, trying not to jump when his hand slipped over mine. I moved my hand away from his uncomfortably.

"She… left again."

"You should have chased after her."

"And what, Juliette? Lie to her?"

"You have two choices. Realize you do love her and want to make it work with her and then apologize for everything and genuinely try or realize you just don't feel it any more and then apologize for everything and break up with her. It's not that hard. Grow a pair." I wasn't being very nice. "I expect you're here to get mad at me for saying I want Auggie? To be indignant that I said that after telling you I care about you? To throw a hissy fit when you did the very same thing to me with Shelby?"

"No. I know you didn't do anything wrong and I can't say you betrayed me. I know I have no right to demand you to remain single while I have a girlfriend. I just came in here because I wanted to make sure you knew how sorry I was that all this went down. And I wanted to say that I don't regret telling you I love you because it's the honest truth, no matter how stubbornly I tried to ignore it. I didn't have any right getting pissed at you, I was always just mad at myself and my weakness. I wanted to come in here because I didn't want our relationship to be over like that."

I wished I could hug him and tell him that we'd always have a bond and that I wasn't angry at him for being stupid earlier but I couldn't. If I did, I'd enable him to do it again. And I was so sick of the dumb circles we kept going in. I had to stop the cycle. So I did something different than what was expected of me.

I didn't smile or soften or apologize or even accept his apology. I didn't look away from his eyes to deliver the bad news, a tactic I used so often. Looking him straight in the eye, my face devoid of emotion, I replied, "It doesn't matter how sorry you are. I don't care that you don't regret what you said- I regret what I said. I've been so dumb to wait and pine over you all year…it was childish and you were never worth it. I think you're being a despicable boyfriend to Shelby and you've been a bad friend to me and to Auggie. I know this is your ploy to play up your sensitive-sweet side but I won't fall for it this time. Nothing you say or do can change my mind. I'm still moving, Scott. I'm still going to leave and I'm still going to be with Auggie. My choice doesn't change and it won't change despite whatever manoeuvre you try. I'm leaving with the man I love."

Scott in turn reacted in an unpredictable way. I expected an angry tantrum or something of the sort.

Instead, he softly cupped the side of my face, stroking my cheek with care. His eyes looked even more wretched now as he lowly whispered, "I know." The blonde leaned in closer to me and I glanced down at his lips, my own parting slightly in stupid anticipation… Closer, closer still… and with a real note of finality, Scott brushed his lips against my forehead and got up off my bed, leaving the room without a backward glance.

I had just finished scolding him and suddenly expected to make out with him. That's lovely, isn't it? Silly, ridiculous, hormonal and UNFAITHFUL me.

Shaking my head in a vain attempt to get the Scott scenarios to stop playing out in my head, I fell back on my bed in frustration. I wanted him, or at least my body very much did. Worried about this line of thinking, I flung my arm out to grab my cordless and hoped Auggie was back at the apartment.

"Hey, I know you didn't leave that long ago, but can you come over again?" I sat up against my headboard and another image of Scott kissing me attacked me. "I miss you."

xXx

Auggie's face lit up when he saw me as I answered the door. It felt so good to be this wanted. As I pressed against him, his arms enclosing around me, I had to get angry with myself for not appreciating Auggie for all that he was. Auggie kissed me in greeting just as Scott walked by. The fairer boy's face closed over as he looked at the pair of us before letting his eyes glance into mine for a moment. I kissed Auggie back with a fervour, watching Scott for just long enough to see his pain grow even more palpable before I shut my eyes tightly and pulled my boyfriend even closer to me. Treacherous as it is, my mind was imprinted with Scott's face and then I imagined it was him I was pressed against, it was him sighing lightly. The thought gave me a passion I've rarely exhibited with Auggie, and he noticed.

We finally broke apart. With a pleasantly surprised smile on his face, Auggie panted, "Wow Jules, didn't think you missed me that much after one hour. Who knows how you'll treat me if I'm gone for a week, I gotta stay away more often."

"Don't. Don't do that. I'll miss you too much." I answered cheerfully, kissing the side of his mouth.

"I love you more every minute I'm with you, do you know that, bonita?"

"I love you too." My hand was in Auggie's but my gaze was once more on Scott, who couldn't make himself look away despite the pain it was clearly causing him. I ripped my eyes away from Scott and started to half-drag Auggie back to my room. "Come on. Let's have some privacy."

This of course prompted the boy at my side to notice Scott for the first time.

"Hey Meat." He greeted tersely.

Scott nodded at him in that boy-greeting that I've grown used to seeing while Auggie turned back to me to be led into my room. I don't know where all this vindictive bitchiness came from, but I added in just loud enough for Scott to hear, "You're staying the night, right?"

"If you want me to, sure."

"We can't be too loud this time, though. I mean, I think people wanted to kill us after a while when we did this at Horizon."

"You're the one who can't keep it down, Jules." He snorted. As we closed the door, I relished the look of shock and horror pass over Scott's expression. I knew that he wouldn't remember that I had told him I was a virgin and his mind would immedietaly jump to conclusions with that the comments I just had to make. Truth was, Auggie and I had been referring to our all night conversations we used to share at the school. He'd sneak into my room and we'd talk all night in the bathroom. I would get too into it and giggle loudly or talk animatedly, and next morning all the girls in my dorm would stare at me threateningly.

God, I'm horrible. I shouldn't have said that- why do I have to be so cruel?

I'm hurting so I have to make him hurt, is that it? I loved him and he realized it too late so I have to make him suffer for loving me?

I sat on Auggie's lap as he settled on my bed. He was looking at me lovingly- again. Every time he looks at me his eyes are full of the devotion he has for me and it makes me feel so bad that I don't love him as much as he does me. I had to make this up to him. I had to make it worthwhile for him to have travelled all this way… he's put up with all my stupid issues and he's done it happily because he loves me. If I'm not as engaging as I can possibly be with him, I'll let down the emotion he has for me. It's the least I can do.

So I laughed at all his jokes and prompted all his stories. And I didn't stop him when our talking turned to kissing and our hand holding turned to his hand sliding under my shirt…and cupping my bra…and slipping under my bra.

"Is this okay?" He asked me quickly, retracting his hand since it had been in the moment and reflexive that he moved it at all.

He looked searchingly into my eyes and I didn't know what I wanted to do any more. He deserved to have me and I couldn't truly say I could give him all of me emotionally, isn't it the least I could do to let him have me physically? I know he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me, and I know I care about him and wouldn't want to cause him pain, that's grounds for a physical relationship, right?

"We don't have to do this." He continued. Looking abashed, he dropped his hand. "I shouldn't have done anything. We've never before and we haven't been together again for that long. I'm sorry."

I stared at him, the ideal boyfriend, ever so scared of doing something that I didn't want; that I wasn't ready for. Always so scared of messing anything up because he considered me the best thing to happen to him. And I kissed him again, gently, and lifted my shirt over my head, meeting his eyes with a set readiness I didn't feel.

"You don't have anything to prove and nothing to owe. I've loved you all this time without us having to move physical and that doesn't have to change unless you absolutely want it to. I ain't gonna pressure you into nothing because what I want from you isn't sex, it's just you Jules." Auggie finished his little disclaimer with sincerity- he really meant it. Not that I didn't notice him exhale sharply when my shirt came off, but he did seriously want to make sure I was okay with this. Could he be any more of a perfect boyfriend? My brain whispered again that this was the one I should want- not the imbecile blonde who knew nothing. Auggie truly madly deeply loved me unconditionally.

Touching his cheek, I answered softly, "I know. That's exactly why I want to do this."

Slowly, I found myself leaning into him. My hands found themselves under his shirt, stroking his skin before his shirt too was being tugged up. He lifted his arms up and helped me remove it and then his lips were pressed against mine hotly and his hands rubbed my bare waist and rested on my behind which was still on top of his lap. I moved my legs so that they were on either side of his lap in a straddle and they gripped his sides. Next moment, I realized with a jolt that he was…hard. Okay, so he's been… in that… condition... before in our history, but not in a long time clearly and not in a position that was quite so close to relieving said condition.

"You're sure this is okay?"

I nodded. His eyes never left mine as one of his hands firmly wrapped around my back and the other supported us both on the bed as he rose up to his knees to reverse our positions of who was on top. My legs were still clinging to him but my back was now against the bed as his lips traced a dizzying pattern across my jaw, then my neck, and then downwards to my chest.

His fingers were just sliding under the clasp in my bra, his tongue gliding over the surface of my breasts when the phone rang.

He paused.

"Ignore it." I commanded. I was afraid that if we stopped, I wouldn't have the courage to resume. I was afraid because the prospect of everything we were doing and were about to do scared the living daylights out of me. The voice in my head was scolding me for being such a prude. I was nineteen and in college- plenty of people here had been having sex for years. The much more vocal and much louder voice was shrieking that I wasn't one of those people, that I wasn't ready, that this was wrong and that try as I might to fight it, Scott's face was still on the fringes of my mind.

Oh, my bra was unclasped. Oh, he's sliding it off now. Oh, his tongue…

All of a sudden, there was a knock on my door.

"Ignore it." I repeated, letting my eyes loll back. My back arched and even though I knew I wasn't ready, my body wasn't exactly protesting.

The door opened. It took Auggie and me a moment to register that fact. Scott's face swam into focus and I thought, wow, my brain really is good at making fantasies come to life. Then I realized it wasn't a fantasy.

"Shit! Sorry- phone for you- your mother." Scott stammered, backing away and screwing his eyes shut.

Auggie swallowed and looked mortified at being walked in on, but got off me. "Are you going to-?"

"I should really take that." I quickly said, my eyes shying down ashamed as I self-consciously did my bra back up and threw my shirt back on.

On my way out of my room, I shut the door and made my way to the phone.

"I'm sorry." Scott instantly said, his eyes totally looking at the wall. "I hadn't expected you guys to have…gone so far so quickly. Didn't mean to interrupt anything and, honestly, I didn't think you guys would have already moved that far in the few minutes you were in there, I should have knocked again… I didn't see anything."

"I'm sorry." I told him back. I should have told him I was sorry for subjecting him to that and that I did care and I was partly doing this to hurt him and it was wrong. I should have said I was sorry for rubbing my closeness with Auggie in his face. Instead, I continued on with, "That was an intimate thing that I should have been more careful about… next time, I'll put a sock on the door knob or something. And I really will try to keep it down, I know the wall between our rooms is thin."

Looking away, I picked up the phone and turned away from him. I knew my mom wouldn't have heard anything, she's always multitasking and talking to me was always low on her list of tasks. She was always more focussed on her other task so I'm sure she was talking to a caterer or servant instead of listening in.

"Mother?"

"Juliette. Was that Scott?"

"Mmhmm."

"Nice boy. Nice manners. Are you two dating yet?"

"No, mother."

"Oh. Well I like him."

"I know, mother. You've told me. Several times."

"Well, are you seeing anyone?"

"Actually, Augusto came back to visit and we're together again."

Silent disapproval. I could almost see her glare.

"Anyways, mom, how's Canada treating you?"

"Just fine. Your father informed me…" Blah, blah, upper class neighbourhood, blah insolent servants had to be fired, blah how are your grades, blah blah did you actually gain weight, blah did I look into that modelling thing she told me about in her last letter… blah, blah.

Scott suddenly stuck his hand outside the front door and knocked loudly. He called out, "Juliette, it's your study group. They're here."

"Did you hear that?" I asked my mother.

She said she had and that she'd let me go, since I needed all the studying I could cram in since my looks were probably not going to win me all that much in my future.

I was about to ask for her contact information but she had already hung up.

I sunk into the sofa, feeling drained. "Thank you." I told Scott as he shut the door. It was our tried and true method of getting me off the hook with talking to my mother. We alternated between study groups to professors to well-contacted friends to whatever it was that popped into the blonde's head at the moment. I was amazed he'd still do that for me after walking in on me and Auggie.

"Are you okay?" And he was still concerned about me after all the bitchiness I had been hitting him with. He gestured to the phone. "Was she horrible?"

"She didn't leave her number or address or anything." I quietly admitted. He shifted slightly closer to me but he was still a good foot away from me. I let my head fall between my hands and I shut my eyes. "I just feel like I have no family. Again. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be whining about this, I do it too much."

He touched my shoulder briefly as he finally walked up beside me. "You do have a family. My family's your family, remember?" I looked up at him and realized that his one shoulder touch gave me more warmth than anything Auggie had been doing. "Now. You have a kick ass boyfriend in there, waiting for you." His eyes still washed over with hurt when he said it, but he tried to suppress it.

"You're not being as selfish or mean as usual."

"I know. I've just realized you deserve better. You've made your choice and I'm just going to have to suck it up if I want you in my life, and I do really want you in my life."

"So you're okay with me and Auggie?"

"God no. But you're okay with me and Shelby."

Oh my God. This just in: BOTH guys in my life are good, sweet, selfless, and put me above themselves. I suddenly felt much, much worse. Things were way easier when I could believe that Scott was a jerk and he would never treat me right, never be as good to me as Auggie was. Now that he was being sincere and a good guy, I wanted to cry. I was hurting him and I was hurting Auggie and how could he say I deserve better? I deserve to be alone.

"Scott, you're making it awfully hard for me to do the right thing here." I whispered.

"What do you mean?" He was genuinely confused.

I shook my head and just kissed him on the cheek. "When all of this is said and done and over with, I just want you to know that you were one of the best friends I've ever made. And that I am truly sorry for anything I've ever done that's hurt you. I really hope you can look at me and still say all those things you've just said."

"Jules…"

"I have to get back to my boyfriend now." I interrupted him. If I stayed much longer, I was going to end up hugging him and knowing me, that would lead to kissing and badness all around.

I knew I would be telling Auggie that I wasn't ready. I knew any resolve I had had piddled away. I knew any self justification I had for allowing Auggie to believe I was in love with him and only him had just been shot to hell. I knew I was horrible and I didn't know if what I was doing was right any more. At the beginning of today, Scott had been the selfish, self-serving, jerk of a guy who wanted two girls. At the end of today, I was the selfish hypocritical bitch who wanted two guys. I was the one who didn't deserve anyone, not him.

I wanted to curl up and die but instead I entered my room and smiled my fake smile and pretended I was happy.

Was this what my life would be like from now on? Pretending to be happy? Was this it?

AN: Yes, I'm back after an almost three month absence, waves sheepishly. I did make this an expanded chapter, though, and so I hope that partially makes up for it. As you've seen, it's time to shift the blame off Scott and let it be shared with Juliette who can be just as wrong in her actions. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and who continues to do so wink wink, your feedback is what propels me forward and prevents me from quitting this story. To keep you guys wanting more, I'll give you a little teaser for what's to come: more fights, more tears, relationships end mend dissipate and grow stronger, an injury happens, and something that was mentioned a while back will finally resurface and come to play at the most inopportune moment. We haven't seen the last of moody man-bitch Scott but he is waking up.