Chapter 38
Tim got a ride to work with Ducky again, but the thought that had started to form in his mind when he had awakened that morning began to gain strength. Vance walked by his desk and asked how things were going. Tim tentatively suggested that he and Abby have dinner with the Vances sometime in the next week, hoping that Abby would be as eager as he was to continue developing this odd friendship they seemed to have discovered.
While he was sitting there, looking around at his surroundings, he wondered if there was more that he could be doing. He was working on the computer, but there were probably other things he could do as well...like clean out his desk. He hadn't done that in ages, and it probably needed it. He started to open the top drawer where he usually kept his gun when the elevator door opened.
"Good morning, Tim!" Abby said. She walked over. "How are things?"
"Not bad...um...Vance invited us to dinner. I kind of accepted, but I wanted to ask you first. Are you interested in...in keeping up with that?"
"It's kind of weird...but yeah. I think so. The Vances have been really nice to both of us."
"Do you have a preference on the day?"
Abby shook her head. "Nope. No plans. So we can just go on whatever day works best for them."
"All right." Tim smiled and Abby started to walk away, but then, Tim stood up. "Abby?"
"Yeah?" She turned back.
"I...want to come home."
"You do?" Abby asked, her eyes filled with hope. "Are you sure?"
Tim smiled a little. "Not...completely...but if you're ready for that..."
Abby ran over to him and hugged him tightly.
"I've been ready for ages, Tim," Abby whispered.
"I haven't."
"I know, but if you're ready, so am I. We can start working on it together."
"Okay."
Abby let him go and wiped at her eyes a little bit. She laughed.
"I shouldn't be crying right now."
Tim reached out and wiped away the mascara running down Abby's cheek.
"It's okay," he said softly.
Abby covered Tim's hand with her own.
"What made you decide?"
Tim stepped forward and kissed Abby on the forehead.
"I missed you last night. I missed you when I was in bed alone."
Abby hugged him again, but more gently.
"I really do love you, Tim. I know that more than ever now."
Tim swallowed. "And I love you, Abby."
Abby kissed him on the cheek and then hurried down to get to work. Tim sat down at his desk. He was surprised at how things were working out with Abby now that they were finally talking about it all...working together...being honest with each other. Part of him was still worried about this decision. Was it too soon? Too fast? Was he being too optimistic? All the questions piled up in his head, but he focused on that feeling he'd had last night. Lonely...for the first time since he'd left Abby at home. He wanted to be with Abby again, and his therapist had said that feeling that kind of desire was a good thing, not something to worry about.
He decided that cleaning his desk could wait. Instead, he focused on his computer. That was more important.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Gibbs withdrew from his place of observation. It hadn't been his intention to eavesdrop...one of the few times he could honestly say that. He watched Tim and Abby...making things better between them. He regretted that Tim didn't seem to feel any desire to do the same for his teammates. Tim's confidence in them had taken a hit, and he wasn't sure whether or not they could even get him to consider the possibility of recovery. Everything he'd observed for the last week had demonstrated that Tim wasn't interested, but he apparently was working with Abby.
If only...
And Gibbs realized that was about the first time he had thought those words.
If only...
If only I hadn't assumed my first thought was right. If only I'd taken the time to analyze what Tony had said. If only I'd talked to Abby about it first.
...and then, suddenly, another thought took root in his mind.
If only I hadn't been willing to believe that of McGee in the first place.
Gibbs shook his head and thought of one more if only. If only he had been willing to have that be his first thought rather than his last.
Still, it was too late to change all that. He could tell the way that Tim was thinking. He knew it because Tim had told him himself. It was a protection, Gibbs knew, but that didn't change the fact that Tim had decided to believe it. Tim had decided that the friendships he'd had were all false, all products of his imagination. Gibbs could understand that because it gave Tim some protection. He didn't have to try and forgive them. He didn't have to try and renew any connections because he hadn't really had them in the first place.
...and, while Tim may not realize it, he was also making it his own fault. Something he should have seen before. If he had been paying attention, he would have known.
Normally, Gibbs would try and use his own personal brand of encouragement to get Tim to think. ...but that wouldn't work, since Gibbs was a big part of the problem. In fact, he couldn't help wondering whether Tim would have been more willing to forgive and move on if Gibbs himself hadn't betrayed him.
With a deep breath, Gibbs walked out into view. Tim looked up from his computer and noticeably tensed.
"Morning, McGee."
There was a pause.
"Good morning, Gibbs."
For a moment, Gibbs wondered if now was the time to talk. ...but the moment passed and Tim moved on.
"I've got the results from the search. It didn't turn up anything. If PFC James was involved in the smuggling, there's nothing to indicate it in his recent history. I think he's only involved because he was there, not because he's done anything wrong."
Gibbs got the pointed statement that Tim was making. The challenge was in his eyes although he wasn't saying anything directly. Now wasn't the time. They both could recognize that.
"Okay," Gibbs said.
Tony and Ziva arrived together and Gibbs saw a moment of disappointment on both their faces and he wondered why. Again, not the time to ask.
"PFC James probably isn't involved in the smuggling," Gibbs said. "McGee found nothing in his records."
"Nothing at all?" Tony asked. "What was he doing there, then?"
"Yes. There was no reason for him to show up in that particular place," Ziva said. "I trust that your results are accurate, McGee, but...what would this man be doing on the docks at that time of night?"
Tim looked at the computer screen again, and there was a moment when Gibbs wondered if there would be another veiled comment, another dig.
...but he was wrong. Tim looked up with his old expression of discovery. He had realized something. Gibbs was happy to see it.
"His uncle."
That was all he had to say. Both Tony and Ziva followed him along his train of thought.
"He told us that his uncle had been the one who took care of him, that he was the one person he had relied on," Tony said.
"An uncle who has been in trouble in the past for some shady deals," Ziva said. "But smuggling...that is far beyond things falling off the back of the bus."
"The truck," Tony said with a smirk. "But yeah, it is."
"James said that he was worried about his uncle losing his house," Tim pointed out.
"And he's old school," Tony said. "He wouldn't ask for help from his nephew, not if he could do it himself."
"Using techniques he learned a long time ago."
Gibbs nodded. "Pick up PFC James...and his uncle."
Tony and Ziva headed out and Tim looked after them a bit wistfully. He was tired of being stuck at a desk. It hadn't taken long for that to happen. Gibbs was glad that Tim was still eager to work at NCIS, even if his feelings about his coworkers was more uncertain.
"Good work, McGee," Gibbs said, although he wasn't sure if his praise would mean anything to Tim at this point.
"Thanks, Gibbs," Tim said without much inflection. He turned back to his computer. "I'm going to dig a little deeper into Allen James' records. See if there's something more."
"Do it," Gibbs said and headed to the elevator.
He never would have thought that there could be such a difference. The conversations were basically the same as they had been...but beneath the words, there was something else. And Gibbs didn't like it. It was sad.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
As soon as the elevator doors closed, Tim sighed with relief. Alone again. This hadn't been as bad today. Less awkward than before, and it was all business. So it could be done. It would just take some time to get into the groove again. He focused his attention on his computer again.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tony and Ziva brought their suspects in, and it didn't take long for Allen James to confess to his attempt at smuggling Navy materials once he realized that his beloved nephew was liable to take the blame for it. He couldn't allow that.
Another case solved and through teamwork. A full team, but without the bonds they'd had before. Tony and Ziva both felt the loss keenly. Tim hadn't participated in the bantering, although he'd been pleasant enough. ...but that was it, really. He'd been pleasant, but nothing more than that, as if they were mere acquaintances rather than people he'd known for years.
And it was clear that he still had not opened his top drawer.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim moved back to his home, feeling both apprehensive and excited. He got a ride over with Ducky, just to have time to talk about the sudden decision...although it wasn't as sudden as he had initially thought it was. Going back meant a lot to him because it said that he was ready to try. He wouldn't be going back if he thought the attempt was hopeless. Abby was so excited to have him come back that she threatened to smother him with concern that first night. Tim let her overdo it a bit, but he could tell that wouldn't be fun for very long. When they went to bed, they talked about it, and Tim forced himself to be mature enough to say that Abby couldn't be doing everything for him.
That first night after Tim moved back was much like that night over the weekend. It was quiet, tentative. Tim slept. Abby slept. And they were together.
Tim went to his therapist and asked about maybe adding Abby to his sessions if she was interested, that maybe they could all talk together sometimes. His therapist agreed but emphasized that this had to be an agreed-upon decision, not something Tim tried to force on Abby. Thankfully, Abby was eager to help repair their relationship and she agreed to come.
By the end of Tim's second week back at NCIS, things were looking up for he and Abby. He didn't kid himself that there wasn't a long way to go, but he was starting to feel like they could get there. They'd gone to have dinner with the Vances one night (and come home laden with leftovers) and they'd invited June over for supper one night, but most of the evenings they spent together, working things out, relearning (or in some cases, learning for the first time) how to work together and be together.
At work, things were just...normal. At least, they were the new normal. Tim was still confined to desk duty and would be for another week. He made no effort to hang out with Tony and Ziva and, in fact, spent a lot of time in Autopsy when he wasn't working. Everyone noticed and everyone, even Tim if he were honest about it, knew that this wasn't exactly ideal. Still, they were working well together.
Finally, after Tim had been at work for three weeks, he got the word from his doctor that he could start trying out limited field duty, although he was still under a driving restriction. He was excited about it and told Vance and Jimmy and Ducky and Abby at once. His report to his team was all business, even though he was still happy. Tony almost asked if he wanted to go out to celebrate, but had stopped himself out of respect for what Tim had told him before.
In anticipation of returning to work, Tim stayed late on Friday. He wasn't working on Saturday, and he wanted everything ready for when he was back in the field on Monday. Abby was running some extra tests for Lovitz' team and hadn't minded Tim sticking around, too. He had brushed Tony and Ziva off and Gibbs had vanished wherever he always went.
Tim began cleaning out and organizing the drawers of his desk. He started on the left-hand side, not rushing himself, but rather savoring the opportunity. Carefully, he organized the forms, the papers, some of the little things he kept but probably didn't really need.
Then, he opened up the drawer on the right-hand side where he usually kept his gun.
...and he saw two envelopes there with his name on them. They looked as though they'd been there for a while. He hadn't opened the drawer in ages. Tim looked around the room. No one was about.
What could they be?