CHAPTER 38

Bella had hastily picked up her coat and bag and was now sitting on a tube train, anxiously looking up at the route map every time it stopped at another station and wishing the journey wasn't taking so long. She was desperately hoping Jasper was still at work and hadn't already gone home, because she didn't have his phone number and had no idea where he lived. If she missed him, the only way to get in touch would be through Emmett and Rose, and Bella wanted to avoid the curiosity this would inevitably arouse.

The letter from Alice, which she had carefully refolded and put into an envelope, was addressed to Jasper and Edward and it was only right that they should be able to read it as privately as possible and at least have a chance to digest the contents before anyone else was told, if that was even necessary.

Looking at her watch as the train crawled into yet another station, Bella had to stop herself continually checking the letter was safe. As soon as she'd finished reading it her one thought had been to get to Jasper, but perhaps she should have stopped to take a copy. What if a sudden gust of wind blew the letter out of her hand, or her bag was snatched by a thief before she managed to find him? She knew she was being over dramatic but she was so nervous about the whole thing now it was difficult to think about anything else and the journey seemed to be taking forever.

Peeking at the envelope in her bag again, Bella wondered how Jasper would react to receiving a message from Alice after all this time. Would it make things better or worse to finally have an explanation three years later? After all it didn't alter the facts, it just threw a little more light on them and it wouldn't stop Jasper and Edward continuing to blame themselves for having been too busy to pay enough attention to Alice in the critical last few days before her death.

Looking at Alice's actions objectively though, Bella couldn't help thinking that even if they'd managed to avert disaster at that particular point, there was no guarantee the same thing wouldn't have happened again sooner or later. Judging by how strong Maria's influence seemed to have been, Bella was certain that it would have taken Alice a very long time, if ever, to have the courage to either question her mother's motives or defy her wishes.

Bella tried to imagine how Alice's life would have turned out if she was here today, but really it was impossible to tell. Perhaps she would never have been able to cope, but on the other hand, with Jasper and Edward's support, she could have become a perfectly happy and capable wife and mother. Although Bella doubted very much that Alice would have ever been ordinary - like her drawings, there was something other-worldly and ethereal about her, which didn't quite fit in with everyday reality.

The one thing Bella didn't understand was how Maria could have lived with herself afterwards, although perhaps it was significant that the first stroke she had suffered must have taken place within a few months of Alice's death. Jasper's account of what had happened had already proved to Bella how heartless Maria was, but the most shocking thing in Alice's letter, apart from the suicide itself, had been Maria's single-minded determination to break up Alice and Jasper's relationship and get Alice back under her control at any cost.

Already practically out of her mind with worry that she wouldn't be able to cope, Alice had gone to her mother for reassurance and help when she got pregnant, desperate to see things through and keep the baby. But Maria had systematically ignored her daughter's wishes and directed all her efforts into convincing Alice she was not fit to be a mother.

Having triumphed in her plan to bully Alice into having an abortion and following through by accompanying her to the first appointment and getting a date fixed for the termination, Maria had then turned her attention to persuading Alice she wasn't fit to be Jasper's wife either.

It had not taken long for Maria to convince Alice that Jasper would despise her for getting pregnant in the first place and would have broken things off himself if he'd known. Given Alice's now highly vulnerable state of mind, it was also easy to persuade her that in any case Jasper was better off without her and the best thing to do was to come back to live with her mother where she belonged.

In a few months, when Alice felt physically and mentally stronger and more able to cope, and had forgotten all this silly nonsense about going to art school and being independent, Maria would help her settle down with a nice husband, in a nice home of her own, where she would have plenty of money and everything would be done for her, so that she wouldn't need to worry about anything but looking pretty and continuing to be her sweet self.

Nevertheless, it was clear that despite all the doubts Maria had put into her head, Alice had moments when she struggled against Maria's interpretation of events, but knew she was not strong enough to defy her mother and keep the child she so dearly wanted. The first part of her letter began with a fairly straightforward explanation of what had happened and apologies for being so weak and so pathetic that she was unable to stand up to Maria and follow her own wishes.

However by the end of the letter, which was so badly written that it looked as if it had been scrawled by a young child, the words became rambling and incoherent and Bella could only imagine what depths of despair Alice had sunk into. Teetering on the borders of insanity, she had come to see suicide as the only means to escape being forced to give up Jasper and get rid of her baby. And she had also lost any hope of finding the strength to escape from the life Maria had laid out for her, where she would have been trapped like a caged bird and her fragile spirit would have died a little more each day.

Although she had thought she had no more tears left, Bella couldn't help crying quietly to herself again in the corner of the train carriage, sad for the awful waste and the effect Alice's death continued to have on those closest to her. She hated Maria with a passion, and if she could, she would have railed at her until she truly understood what a terrible thing she had done. But given Maria's state of health, any recriminations would be futile and Bella understood why Edward preferred to simply ignore her existence as much as possible. However, now that Maria was equally powerless and at the mercy of others, Bella couldn't help hoping that her past decisions had come back to haunt her.

-ooo-

When she arrived at her stop, Bella jumped off the train as soon as the doors opened and hurried through the deserted station and out into the eerily quiet Sunday afternoon streets. Luckily Edward's offices were close by and almost before she knew it she was running up the steps and yanking the heavy glass door open.

The same security guard from earlier in the day was still sitting at the reception desk and thankfully made no attempt to stop her as Bella made a beeline for the stairs. She smiled as she passed him, but was too impatient to find Jasper to wait and listen to what he began to say, and his voice cut off as she turned a corner and hurried along the corridor to Jasper's office.

Feeling too warm in her winter clothes, Bella blew a tendril of hair away from her face and stopped to take off her coat as she stood in front of Jasper's closed door. Now she was here she felt unbelievably nervous and had no idea what to say, but she knew she had to go through with it. So after trying to slow down her breathing and calm herself as much as she could, she tentatively knocked on the door.

Without any warning the door immediately flew open and Bella came face to face with Edward, who had stopped mid-sentence in the conversation he had been in the middle of and was now surveying her with raised eyebrows. At least he had the grace to look ashamed as well as shocked and he immediately began to apologise and explain how he'd ended up spending the night in a hotel. But Bella didn't have time for her own problems at the moment, no matter how much her heart rate had sped up at just the sight of him.