Megan leaned back and let the tension flow out of her as she slid deeper into the tub of hot, bubbling water. She closed her eyes when she heard Steve open the door and listened to the sounds of him undressing and dropping his clothes on the floor beside hers. As tempting as it was to look, he wasn't ready for that.
She heard him get in and felt the water shift as he sat down. His toes brushed against her left thigh as he stretched out and settled himself. Keeping her eyes closed, she sighed and sank up to her neck in the bubbling water. "I could get used to this."
"I've never been in a tub like this before."
"You have one like it in New York."
"Huh. I never noticed."
"It's a decadent indulgence that uses a lot more water than I like, but sometimes, it's the only way to unwind." She cracked her eyes open for a moment and raised an eyebrow. "I noticed you lost the sling again, along with your splint."
"Medical cleared it. I'm healed enough to start training gain, and I'll be mission ready in another week at most."
Megan smiled a tiny bit as she listened to him talk. It was going to be harder than she'd anticipated to behave herself. "So much for that long vacation you're overdue to take. I'm going to miss the beard."
"What are you smiling about?"
A full grin broke loose and she shook her head, eyes still closed. "I promised to behave myself. If I share my wicked thoughts, I might indulge in wicked deeds."
Steve moaned softly. "You've never been shy around me."
Megan finally opened her eyes and looked at him, surprised by that comment. She shook her head. "Wrong. You just didn't realize I was redirecting and deflecting attention from it. I don't trust easily. Inviting you to my place the first time was a calculated risk."
"What do you mean?" He sat with his long arms hugging his knees, keeping his eyes on her face. His brow furrowed as he thought back to those early days.
"If you tried to rape me, there was no way I'd have been able to fight you. I didn't think it was likely, but it was a risk I had to consider, especially given the fact I'd never be believed in a court of law."
"I'd never—"
I know. Believe me, I know you better now and you've earned my trust a dozen times over. Back then, I took a leap of faith. I didn't think it would be a problem, but there is always the chance I read someone wrong." She shrugged. "That's just life."
"You always seem so confident."
"Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm acting and trying to convince myself as much as anyone else. But back to being shy…. That has changed over time. Don't forget that I lived with Randy for over a year. Nudity is just another kind of intimacy and you've already seen me at some of my lowest and most vulnerable times. From panic attacks to breakdowns… you've been closer to me than maybe anyone but my mother. I've slept in your arms more than once. I'm not trying to be a tease when I say that clothing seems like a trivial barrier to me at this point. There's really only one remaining wall between us and it's not based in fabric."
She reached for her wine glass that was on the edge of the tub and indulged in a hearty gulp. She really hated Clint right now, especially since he was right about being honest.
"Why is your hand shaking?"
Megan closed her eyes, nodding slightly in acknowledgment of that truth. "Because Clint sees too much and made me promise I'd level with you."
"What do you mean?"
She looked him, hating the wariness that was now in his eyes. The tension in his shoulders told her his guard was up. Even his voice had changed. "Don't panic. It's nothing bad… it's just hard to talk about. I don't do vulnerable very well…. but I'm trying right now to let my guard down completely." She took another gulp of wine and set the glass aside. She wanted to be fortified but clear-headed, if such a thing were possible.
"Have you noticed how everyone acts like we belong together, even those who know this started as a farce? Even Jarvis is playing matchmaker. I've been trying to find a way to gather the strength to walk away when it's all over. I don't know that I'm strong enough to do that. We've never really talked about what we both want out of life and it terrifies me that there might be deal breaker issues lurking in the shadows. I know I don't deserve you. I know you can do a lot better than me. But I need to know if there's even a chance you might settle for someone who has so little to offer." She forced herself to look at him, trying desperately to ignore the tears she knew were spilling down her cheeks.
She couldn't read his expression when he replied, "I'm not the type to settle for second best."
She closed her eyes and nodded, trying to keep her composure even though she was dying inside. At least she had her answer.
"Megan, you're way out of my league. I'm the one with nothing to offer. Just by being associated with me, you've been attacked and your family threatened. Even your home is off limits. You're stuck in a hotel because of me. Your whole life is in upheaval. Steve Rogers might be okay, but he comes with a lot of baggage under the Captain America brand. Even if I somehow retired, I'm never going to have a normal life."
She glared at him for even suggesting retirement. "You can't stop being Captain America, Steve, not for anyone. I know he's an artificial construct, but he's a part of you. Steve is who you are, but Cap is what you do. I know it's a package deal."
"How can you want this for a life?"
She finally realized what she was seeing in his eyes was deeply rooted pain. "Because I love you and I believe you're worth it," she answered.
"What about kids? I don't even know if I can have them, much less the effects the serum might have."
"Life is risk. I don't know if I can have children either, but that's not the only way to become a parent. We could always adopt. I do want to be a mother someday. You'd be a great dad." She leaned forward, hugging her own knees to her chest as she tried to convince him that they had a chance at something. She wasn't begging. She wasn't. She was just pointing out their options.
"Except when I'm not there because I'm on an extended mission. Or dead like my father was."
"So it's better to go though life alone? Odds are good that you're going to outlive the rest of us and still be in peak health while Clint and I are battling arthritis and dementia. At least if you had kids and grandkids, you'd have some continuity when the rest of us are pushing up daisies. You don't do well being alone, Steve. Are you just going to try another self-sacrifice in battle in hopes it goes better this time? Because you really suck at dying no matter how many crazy chances you take."
"And how will you feel growing old while I'm apparently ageless?"
"Jealous of your good health and blessed you gave me a few good decades." She sat back and brushed her cheeks with the back of her hand. "But I guess I have my answer," she said before she finished her wine and put the glass down on the floor. She deserved major credit for not flinging it across the room like she wanted to. "This is why I didn't want to say anything yet. It's a bad idea to ask a question unless you're prepared to hear the answer. I wasn't ready to stop pretending." She barely held back the sobs that threatened to choke her. "It would probably be best if you went back to your place for the night."
She avoided looking at him as she got up and stepped out of the tub, snatching her towel from the floor and hastily wrapping it around her torso as she fled the bathroom. She fumbled in her bag for something to put on and immediately discarded the plan to pull on a nightgown. Clint had packed the one Pepper had sent her. Digging deeper, she found a t-shirt and pair of jeans which she hastily put on, struggling as they caught on her her still-damp skin. Her towel got dumped in a heap on the glass-top coffee table. She kept crying quietly as she pulled one of the overstuffed armchairs closer to the window and curled up in it, watching the traffic go by on the street outside.
"Megan?" Steve's voice was hesitant as he finally came out of the bathroom.
"Go home, Steve."
"I don't want to leave you alone like this."
"I have Jarvis. Go home." She kept her voice even and her face towards the window. She couldn't face him yet.
She heard him sigh as he stood there, probably shifting from one foot to the other. "What time do you want me to pick you up in the morning?"
"Six thirty." Dear lord, how was she supposed to pretend everything was fine when they arrived at S.H.I.E.L.D. in the morning? She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying out. Why couldn't he just agree to try to give them a chance? Was trying too much to ask for? Apparently so.
"You'll call me if you need me?" He sounded hesitant. Confused, even.
"I'm fine," she snapped. "Go home."
"Promise you'll lock the door behind me at least."
She managed a slight nod as she bit down harder on her cheek until she tasted blood.
She heard him sigh again as he picked up his bag. The fabric scuffed against his torso and she heard the whisper of leather as he picked up his jacket. She heard slow footsteps, then a door closing behind him. She was alone.
Numbly, she got up and somehow managed to walk to the door, flipping the security locks before returning to her chair. She curled up in it, pulling her knees up to her chest as she watched out the window. In a few minutes, she saw him walking down the sidewalk, shoulders slumped a bit as he trudged home. He never looked up towards her window, never looked back. In a few minutes, he was out of sight.
Megan sat at her desk drinking another cup of tea as she tried to navigate her way though the files and emails she'd been sent overnight. The words didn't register in her brain and she finally gave up the pretense of trying to read the screen.
She heard a knock on her open door and looked up to see Clint standing there. He took one look at her and came in, shutting the door behind him.
"What the hell happened to you?"
She shrugged one shoulder and looked down at the mug she held between both of her hands. "Do you know how vile it is to hear the first birds of the morning singing when you've been siting up all night crying?"
"He's as dumb as Clark Kent, too," Clint said as he winced, recognizing her quote from the second Superman movie.
"Most people don't know that reference. I never expected to have a cause to use it."
"I like movies." He flipped a chair around and sat on it backwards again. "Anything I can do to help?"
Megan just shook her head. "I sat up all night going over everything in my head. He was very clear."
"I'm not going to even suggest you go to the firing range today. Instead, I'm going to use this time to get him to spar. Maybe I'll be able to get a lucky blow that knocks some sense into his thick skull."
"Don't count on it, but I appreciate the thought." She finally looked up at him. "Thanks for caring."
"I'll check up on you later. You just hide in here today and keep the door closed. Save some more schools with the forms you sign."
Megan smiled a bit at that. "I'll try."
After Clint left, she broke down in tears again as she thought about the awkward ride to work sitting behind Steve on his bike. He'd tried to engage in small talk and she'd shut that down immediately. When they'd reached the parking garage, she'd summoned the strength to act normally, tucking her arm in his and pasting a smile on her face as they walked inside. He'd just eyed her warily, seeming unsettled by her ability to pretend, and he'd muttered about a briefing he had to get to as he left her at the elevators. It was a preview of the coming weeks that she absolutely dreaded facing. What choice did she have?
She was pulled from her reverie when her phone alerted her to a text from Steve, but she didn't look at it. It could wait until later. Right now, she had to try to make her brain understand the written word so she could figure out the different research programs S.H.I.E.L.D. had been supporting. Maybe she could make some paperclip chain models of DNA while she counted the minutes until it was time to go home.
With help from Jarvis, whom she communicated with by email on her Stark tablet so no one would overhear, she was able to determine that nearly seventy vials of Steve's cells were currently being stored. They had been obtained from far more tissues than she'd realized the S.H.I.E.L.D. doctors had sampled. Based on the dates, she and Jarvis suspected many of them had been collected by needle biopsy while Steve was still unconscious and thawing from the ice. They'd treated him as a laboratory experiment and it made her angry.
Jarvis kept her grounded. She'd talked with him during the night and he'd kept her company, matching his approach to her mercurial moods. Now, he was helping her lose herself in her work. When she asked how he did this so well, he'd simply replied that Sir had provided him with ample training.
They were deep in the process of cross referencing all of the research programs Megan had been told about with the use of Steve's cells when her desk phone rang. She picked it up without looking, continuing to focus on her printouts. "Hello?"
"Dr. Buchwald, it's Agent Hill. You'd better get down to the medical bay. They're bringing Captain Rogers in and it looks bad."
"Where's the medical bay?"
"Lower level of the alpha wing. I'll make sure someone meets you there to lead you in."
Megan just stared at the phone for a minute. Steve wasn't even to be on active duty yet, so how had he been hurt? Fighting back panic, she grabbed her tablet and cell phone before running down the hall to the elevator.
I'm well into writing what comes next, so I expect I can put an update up this coming weekend. I promise not to leave Steve in agony for months before posting the next part.
AN: Qweb, Clint just took over all on his own. He has yet to apologize, but insists on watching me with a smug look.
Okami Princess: This story will end shortly after the end of the Winter Soldier. I may write a sequel. (My mother insists that I WILL write a sequel.) But I laid out this planned ending before Age of Ultron and am going to stick to it no matter what these pesky characters try to pull on me.
Emily is idealistic and nosy. That doesn't make her a villain. She truly believes in the value of the research she is doing.
Bruce and Tony know nothing about the work at SHIELD. Jarvis has been helping Megan, but they have not brought anyone else from the outside in at this point. Megan is quite sensitive about respecting the security clearances aside from where it affects Steve since those samples were obtained without consent. Even so, she never told Steve the full scope of the program until she laid it all out in Fury's office. Megan is not totally comfortable with Jarvis hacking SHIELD files, but she is deliberately ignoring that since it serves the greater good at this point. Besides, he cannot go to jail even if he is caught. Jarvis has no reason at this point to involve Tony or Bruce, so he's just monitoring the situation and helping Megan where he can.
Ani Sparrow: I'm afraid Clint's meddling didn't go according to plan. Megan also has many hours of work at the firing range to get through before we know the answer to your question. As far as needing to… I'm not telling!
Superhero movies require a certain amount of violence and action to keep a certain segment of the fanbase happy. We cannot fight that. Joss did the best he could, I'm sure. He kept the farm scenes for us! Sadly, we can't even get toys and shirts with Black Widow on them. We'll have a better chance of female Avengers toys appearing on the shelves than of getting the movies to emphasize character development over action, and I'm not holding my breath for either. Fortunately, we have fan fiction for character development. Getting a Black Widow costume from Build-a-Bear to go with the Cap costume my bear is currently wearing is going to be more difficult.