Four months later
When I was about fifteen years old, I fell into a pit of depression. It consisted of floods of self-deprecation, a period of self-harm, and the thickest walls you could imagine. I managed to go throughout life and still smile, but when I came home and found myself alone at night, I would be hit with a strong epiphany that I was alone. I found myself constantly in a mindset where I felt I was worthless. I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems and all the things that went through my head.
This had lasted from October until about April. It rained almost everyday, and when it didn't rain, it snowed. The days were bitter and I felt like I was sliding through a world of ice. I felt idle and helpless and felt I could do nothing besides continue living. It was probably the coldest winter I can ever remember having.
In April I found myself beginning to accept who I was. It took many nights of screaming into my pillow, throwing away my blades and scribbling out my feelings furiously onto pieces of paper. It took nights crying silently and then eventually, no longer feeling the obligation to be silent, as my mom had found out what I was going through.
It was a step-by-step process and wasn't easy. But I had my family and I had Mallory. I knew I could get through, and eventually, I did.
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope.
Which then turned into a quiet thought,
Which then turned into a quiet word.
I remember one day in late April, I was taking a walk through Central Park. It had been drizzling and raining most of the days, but that was the first day in months that it hadn't even a hint that it was going to rain. The sky was a beautiful blue, soothing and smooth, and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. Beautiful colors decorated the trees – red, pink, purple, green. Flowers blooming in spite of everything.
I remember a thought that had crossed me that day. I remember thinking that this day could be a symbol of my journey. The days had been dark and bitter. I had felt broken and hopeless. But bit by bit and piece by piece, I healed. Surrounded by friends, family and a newfound decision to try to accept myself, I could see the end of the rain. I could see the sunshine again.
So that day was a symbol. It was my hope coming true; a hope basking in the truth that after going through a storm, it will always eventually end with a bright day. And you'll appreciate that brightness a lot more than if you had never lived without it. It'll rejuvenate you like none other.
Today looks a lot like that day did, years ago. The sky is soft and the sun seems to be giving a gentle smile. Branches on trees are stretched out to embrace New York City, and blossoms stand as the fingers. Even though the streets are in commotion, that commotion seems to be tuned out by the birds singing sweet songs of renewal. In spite of how fast it seems, the world stands still.
This time, I'm with Rosalie. Her long brown hair sways behind her back as we stroll through the park, arms linked. Her eyes are wide in wonder of the beautiful world around us. She has a flower in her hair (I picked it for her and made her put it there) and looks more beautiful than ever. Happier than ever.
You can't appreciate the light unless you know the dark.
And then that word grew louder and louder
'til it was a battle cry.
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye.
Our feet silently take us through the twists and trees. They know where they're going.
Even Benjamin's grave seems to have a soft tint to it. There are lots of flowers piled on the side, now that it's springtime and nobody has to worry about the snow. The edges of his grave almost seem to have rounded even though it hasn't been there very long. It still reads:
Benjamin William King
Lively spirit, wonderful brother,
Incredible son.
Always in our hearts – never forgotten.
He never was forgotten. I think about Benj everyday, in different situations. When we run low on syrup or when I see my pet rock sitting on my nightstand. I think of him when I listen to music and when I see someone wearing a football jersey. I think of him when I watch Animal Planet. And I always turn off the tv when Cats 101 comes on.
There is a rebirth in the springtime. The old dies, and the new comes forth, even more beautiful than you remembered. All that is dying or deteriorating diminishes and a new advance at life comes forth.
The new is born, but it doesn't mean we forget all that died. It happened and there's no point in repressing it or pretending like things don't die; like things don't grow dark. The sun goes down. It rains. Things happen. So we welcome the new, but remember the old. For at one point, the old was thriving with life as well.
The thought occurs to me that everything that happens in life could lead us to a completely different life. Sometimes it's on our control, and sometimes it isn't.
If I had decided to go to college in California, I would have a completely different life. I wouldn't talk to the turtles as much, and would hardly ever get to see my family.
If Dad had stayed with us all those years ago, we never would've had to move here to New York. We would have stayed in Malibu, and I could've grown up there. Noah and I would've continued to be friends and maybe something would have bloomed from that.
If Mikey hadn't made me eat that shredded-beef pizza last week, I probably wouldn't have gotten food poisoning.
I pause, and everything around me seems to do so as well.
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war.
Every once in a while, I think about how if I hadn't have been attacked by the Dark Angels, I never would've met the turtles the way we did. But the thought comes to me that if the turtles hadn't have been there, I wouldn't have met them. If they decided to take a right instead of a left, or if Mikey took a really long bathroom break, we would've never even crossed paths.
If I hadn't have met the turtles, would things be different? I'm sure they would be. But what would've still happened? What are some things that they couldn't have stopped? Would I still have taken a break from college? Would Mom still have joined the RBMC? Would Benjamin still be in this grave in front of us? Or would he be taking a walk with us right now, bursting with energy and mocking us with the flowers in our hair?
In all honesty, I've come to the conclusion that those things would've still happened, with or without knowing the turtles. Mom getting involved with the RBMC had nothing to do with them, and neither did Benj's death. I would have still gotten overwhelmed with everything going on, and would have taken a break from CTU.
My conclusion is that it isn't about if things would still be the same, but rather what would be different.
I never would have gone into the sewers. I never would have tried mushrooms on pizza next to an eager-looking turtle. I never would have learned how to wield nunchucks (thanks, Mikey), and I never would have gone on four shopping trips in one day with four giant mutant turtles, bundled up in a trench coat and scarves. I never would have gone to the Farmhouse and gone sledding. I never would've had a mistletoe kiss in that Farmhouse.
I would've never been able to go down to the lair on hot summer days when I was dying to get away from the heat, and have something to do. I never would've stayed up until three in the morning playing video games with someone who learned ninjistu when he was seven. I would've never sat on a rooftop with Leo, trying to look for stars and talk about our lives.
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light.
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye.
Benjamin was going to die regardless. But if I hadn't have met the turtles, they never would've got to know how amazing he really was.
They never would've seen his bright smile and hear his loud, staccato laugh. They never would've seen the way he'd jump five feet away from the couch and just so he could fly through the air for a few seconds. They never would've heard him tease me about Leo; in fact, he wouldn't even have anything to tease me about regarding Leo.
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye.
I come to the conclusion that things would be different, but those awful things would have still happened. The only difference is that I had a sense of abnormality to help my life seem a little more normal. When your dad is New York's biggest secret criminal, your brother is taken by a mutant in a place that your Mom secretly worked, it's nice to have somewhere to escape; somewhere to go to feel normal. And when you're eating pizza, playing video games, laughing and messing around, it's easy to forget that you're in a sewer and your best friends are mutants.
I think we're each called on this earth to do great things. And sometimes, things happen to open the doors for us to do those great things.
We get hurt so that we can learn to be strong.
We lose things so we can learn the value of everything.
Our hearts break so we can learn how to mend.
People leave so we can learn to be independent.
Apologies are given so we can learn that we are all in need of forgiveness.
Regardless of what happens, our call always remains. And when we do what we are meant to do, when we fulfill that reason for our being here, we are given a new one. Our lives are just call after call. The only thing is that we have to be quiet enough to hear the calls.
And I believe that sometimes, people are called together. One in purpose. This is when everyone's purposes melt into each other, and cross paths. It's a state of being where you're meant to meet – you're meant to accomplish things together, and that's the only way you can do it. Together.
I believe that that night after work was my call. It was my time to finally begin to do something other than what I'd done all my life. There was a bigger purpose out there: I needed to overcome my fears, and instead of leaving them behind, I needed to use them to my advantage. Overcome, then put to use.
But it wasn't just my call.
It was Leo's call. His call to find someone to help, and someone who understood him. It was his call to find that there are people who will accept him the way he is, and it was our call to do that.
And Donnie's call. He was called to put his brain to work and find that he can do so much more than just hide in his lab all day and make things go BOOM. It was for him to show the world what he could do.
Mikey's call: to make others smile, even when they feel broken. Even when they are broken, and every aspect of their life is broken. Mikey's call was to use his youthful spirit to remind others that just because you grow old, it doesn't mean you must grow up.
It was Raph's call. It was his call to learn that it's okay if you don't show your love or your care in the typical way. It was his call to show the world he doesn't damage everything he touches. That he has a heart.
It was Rose's call. It was her call to learn that it's okay to be yourself, and that you don't ever need to be anybody else, especially for someone else.
It was Mom's call, to learn the power of her own strength, and to learn that forgiveness isn't easy, but that it's important.
It was Dad's call: to learn that your mistakes don't define you. And to learn that his family wouldn't abandon him.
It was Benj's call to give us hope; to make us remember what life is all about. And even though his call was cut short, it was okay. Because he was given another call: a call home.
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet.
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget.
When winter comes, and a flower withers away, we don't pretend it never existed. We embrace it. We embrace its life, and all the times it bloomed, even through the rain. We come to realize eventually that it's the balance of the rain and the sun that actually helped it grow so big and beautiful.
One day, there was a seed. It was planted, and oh, how it grew. It grew tall and strong and magnificent. It was radiant. It grew through the rain and it grew through the heat. That flower knew its time was limited, but no one knew winter would come so soon. The flower was soon the past, and it withered away.
But it happened. And that flower has been scratched into the book of all history. Never forgotten. Never left behind.
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'til they're before your eyes.
You'll come back when they call you.
No need to say goodbye.
Now it's time for another seed. And spoiler alert: it will die. But oh, how it will grow.
The sun is calling, and so is the rain. Let it. Don't try to stop it.
Let it be, and it will.
You'll come back when they call you.
No need to say goodbye.
A/N: I never, ever, ever would have expected this story to turn into anything more than just an idea in my head. Now I have something to say.
I started this story seven years ago. Wow. Okay seven years ago is a LONG time ago. You may have noticed that I didn't start uploading it until the last few years. This is because it was never supposed to be more than just a fanfiction. It was an idea that I had as an early teenager - one that I was never going to let anyone read, let alone post online. Flash-forward seven years later, and I'm finishing posting the final book. It's crazy what can happen in that time.
I actually finished the story in 2017, so a couple years ago, and that's when I began to post it online. I was planning on just posting it as it was, but I found many things I wanted to edit and change, and have definitely done so. In fact, there's STILL a lot of stuff I need to edit and change. But it's just cool that even though I knew how the story would end, I still felt like I was there on the journey all over again while posting these.
This was just a silly fanfiction that a young years ago I first got the idea, when I read a TMNT fanfiction that had something to do with the FBI. That is what sparked the idea for this story. When I started it, I didn't expect it to actually go far. No other fanfiction I had ever written had ever gone past like the 200 page point.
This story started as just a TMNT fanfiction but it turned into more than that. I created my own characters. They developed, enough that I was able to end the story without the turtles even physically being in the last chapter. Because it's so much more than a TMNT fanfiction.
It became a story of forgiveness and a story of love. But not just romance, which was what I originally aimed for. It was a story of family love and friendship. It was a story of losing someone close to you but that learning that they're never really gone. It's a story of working together and a story of recognizing it's okay to want to be alone sometimes.
It has so many components and so many lessons. But then again, so does life.
It's the very first story I've ever finished. And I'm so glad I brought myself to finish it.
The theme song of this story is "The Call" by Regina Spektor. Currently the story is titled "We Light up the Dark". I'm going to change it to "The Call". Because that song, I've realized encompasses not just the story, but it encompasses my journey in writing this story. Throughout this last chapter, I sprinkled lyrics of the song (in italics). I recommend listening to the song while reading this. It's a really beautiful song and expresses exactly how I feel about this book.
I want to say more, but I don't know what else to say. This has been such an incredible adventure for me. I didn't want it to end. I didn't want it to end so badly, but everything ends. Everything dies, but it doesn't mean that you have to forget that it existed. It continues. And you know what? It makes a chance for a new adventure.
This has been one of my favorite adventures—and believe me, I've had a lot of adventures. But I'll never forget the nights stayed up, the tears cried, and the happiness created through writing this story.
I'll read it over and over again, and make edits still. I'll probably take things out and add things.
But it's finished. And honestly, that's one of the bravest things to do: put an end on something that you have control over. Putting an end on something you never want to end.
But even if you do end it, it doesn't really end. That's what I've come to accept.
"You'll come back when they call you; no need to say goodbye."
Thank you for being my escape. Thank you for being my adventure. I'm going to start a new adventure, but I'll never forget this one. Never forgotten. Never left behind.