Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.

Chapter Thirty Eight: Nightmares

I felt hot, too hot. I felt like I was suffocating, like I was taking my last breaths. I didn't like the feeling of not having control over my body; I was just standing there whilst a million voices were shouting at me. I couldn't hear the actual words they were saying, but I could see who they were.

Those blue eyes didn't just belong to anybody. No, those eyes used to be filled with happiness, energy and hope but now they were filled with sadness, guilt and despair. The usual electric blue that was captivating was a dull blue as if the life had been drained out of her. Her body was slimmer than usual, too slim; she looked like she hadn't been eating properly. It was hard to look at her, to see what she had become. She wasn't the girl I had fallen in love with, she was broken.

But I could see other people as well. I saw my dad clenching his fists, his face red with anger, blood vessels popping out of his neck. He was looking at me with such hatred, such disgust but I couldn't hear what he was saying. The more I looked at him the more I felt like these people no longer cared about me or loved me. I took one last glance at him before my body suddenly jerked and I was on the floor curled up into a ball sobbing my heart out.

I felt arms pull me towards their body. I instantly melted into the familiar person's comforting embrace. I couldn't hear the words that they were trying to sooth me with, but I could see their lips moving and the constant soothing circles they were drawing on my back. I felt safe. I felt safe when a few minutes before I had felt scared.

I pulled back slightly and the sight that I saw scared the hell out of me. Her eyes had heavy bags underneath, her face adorned with harsh wrinkles only worry can bring, her hair grey and her facial expression broke my heart. She looked older than she was or was it my loss of time. She wasn't my mom, she had changed. She had changed because of what I had done; she had changed into a frail old woman because of me. I had done this to her. But then why was she smiling at me? Why was she comforting me? If I had caused so much pain why I was the one being soothed? It should have been her, I should have been comforting her but I wasn't because I tried to talk but nothing would come out. I wanted to tell how sorry I am for everything that I've done. That I shouldn't have bombarded her with all of my problems. She doesn't deserve to be in whatever place this is.

I looked around and it felt like we were all floating on clouds. White was everywhere and I was blinding. Where am I? Surely this can't be heaven I can't be dead. Even if this is heaven according to my dad I'm going to hell. But I can't ask anybody where I am because the only senses I have are sight and touch. It's a weird feeling to see people talking but you don't know what they're saying. It's lonely.

There wasn't an object in sight, apart from the three people. It happened fast. The girl who used to have bright blue eyes had disappeared. She went into thin air and she didn't come back. I looked around to see if there was a door, some way out, but there wasn't. My heart was stuck in my throat as I realised the love of my life was gone, forever.

Then a similar thing happened. The only man in this white nothingness disappeared as well. I knew this was my fault. I was the one making my loved ones disappear. But I didn't know how to stop it, if I could have stopped if I would but I just couldn't. I felt helpless.

My anchor, my rock, my mom was the only one here left me. I didn't want to lose her as well. I held onto her, as if feeling her arms wrapped around my body would stop her from disappearing like the others. I couldn't lose her as well. I felt her chin moving, indicating that she was speaking to me. I wanted to hear what she was saying; I wanted to tell her not to leave me like the others had. But the inevitable happened and I felt myself grabbing air as she slowly faded away.

I was alone. I didn't have any family or friends. I was truly and utterly alone.

"Santana, its okay sweetie. Take deep breaths. You had a nightmare its fine. You're okay. I'm here for you mija." My mom's voice was gentle and it instantly soothed me. However that didn't stop tears from cascading down my cheeks. I scooted into her arms and buried my face in the crook of her neck. "Sshhh."My mom's comforting just made me cry harder.

She said it was a nightmare but lately with everything that has happened, it felt real to me. But then again it was my worst possible nightmare as I couldn't bear losing my loved ones. Although I had lost Brittany I hoped that wasn't permanent and what with the plan Rachel said she had, I was sure that we could get back together or at least be friends. But as she was my soul mate I knew we would be together again. I knew we had that kind of connection.

I remembered Rachel leaving but I didn't know how long ago that was now. Had I called my mom to ask her to come home early? Had dad finished his shift at the hospital? I had so many questions in my head right I didn't know what one I wanted the answer to first.

About five minutes later I had calmed down. My mom and I were sitting on my bed and she had her arm wrapped around my shoulders. This position was similar to when I came out to her. She hadn't asked me what my nightmare was about but I knew that I would have to tell her in the end.

"What's the time?"I asked my throat was hoarse from crying. I looked outside and saw it was almost pitch-black so I must have been asleep for a while.

"Nine. I got home about an hour ago and when I came in to see how today went you were having a nightmare. "My mom explained. There was a brief silence before she spoke again. "How did today go? I thought you might have been round Brittany's or she might have been round here."

At the mention of Brittany's name I felt hot tears slide down my cheeks. It hurt so much to think that we're not together anymore. Add the fact that my dad still hates my guts and wants me pull out the gay in me by seeing some conversion shrink, which is not going to happen. Today has not been my day.

My mom wiped away my tears and she had worry all over her face. "What happened Santana?"She said in the softest voice I have ever heard her use. She knew this was gonna be bad.

"My life is so fucked up mom! Dad hates me and he thinks that meeting with somebody from a Gay conversion therapy group will make me straight. He said he wants to help me and that he's only doing this because he loves me. He won't listen to what I have to say, he only sees what he wants to see, he doesn't really care about my feelings or he would ask me what I want to do. He wouldn't make me try to change who I am. He's never going to accept who I am and as much as I don't want to lose a parent I can't carry on the way things are with him. I feel like I can't live with him anymore."

My rambling surprised my mom. She looked at me and all I saw was realisation that I was right, that my dad was so stuck in his views it was going to be near impossible to get him to understand things from my point of view. Like in my nightmare I was losing the people who meant the most to me and it fucking hurt.

"I can't believe he said that. I'm gonna kill him! How can he think he can change what you are?"My mom was angry and I felt like it was my fault. Okay I didn't make my dad act like such an asshole, but he was acting that way because he didn't like who I am. I know that if my mom and dad start fighting it will be because of me.

"I have a meeting on Wednesday with Trisha. Please don't make me go!"I begged. I could feel those pesky tears reappearing again.

My mom wiped away my tears and forced me to look at her. "I'm going to make you go. That was your dad's stupid idea and when he gets home I'll be having words with him. I would never make you try to be something you're not and I can't understand why your dad is doing this. I know he doesn't accept you but he's gone too far this time. I won't stand for it. You are my number one priority and it's my job to make sure you're happy and I will do everything in my power to make that happen."

I felt assured that my mom would protect me and that she would never make me go to that meeting, even if it meant arguing with my dad.

"I'm so glad I have you mom. Actually you, Rachel and Kelly are the only people I have right now."I knew my words would lead my mom to ask about Brittany.

"What do you mean? What about Brittany?"My mom asked confused.

This was it I was going to have to tell her sooner or later. "She broke up with me."I almost whispered. Although I knew it had happened I still didn't want to believe it was in fact real.

"So you were having that nightmare because of her? She's done this to you. She's hurt my baby girl. Why would she do that? I thought she loves you. Was she cheating on you? Did you two have a fight? Once I get my hands on her I'm go-" My mom rambled out questions and her thoughts but I interrupted her.

"We argued. We said some things to each other and she broke up with me because she didn't want to hurt me."I paused and held my hand signalling my mom to let me continue. "I phoned Rachel after and she came round. I talked her about everything and she has a plan. She has a plan for me to get Brittany back. I love her so much mom. I know she does too, we've got a lot to talk about but I know that we can get through this." I ended up with a small smile as I talked about Rachel's genius plan of getting Brittany and I back together.

But it seemed as my mom wasn't listening to me as she had a faraway look on her face. I knew that when she was like this she was going to cause trouble, I just didn't know what trouble she was going cause. Before I knew it she was up off my bed and sprinting downstairs and out the front door. She didn't put shoes on she just ran outside barefoot. I got up and ran after her.

"Mom what the hell are you doing?!" I yelled as she started to bang on the Pierce's door. She didn't answer me she just kept banging on the door.

The door finally opened revealing a confused Mrs Pierce. I wondered if Brittany had told her what happened between us or not. "Gloria?"Mrs Pierce asked and looked at my mom's bare feet, her eyebrows raised. "What's wrong?" She asked sensing something unusual.

"Where is she?"My mom asked in a cold tone of voice. I hadn't seen her this pissed off before and it was a little scary. "I know she's in here. Where is she?"My mom repeated her question as Mrs Pierce stared blankly at her.

"I don't know what's got you so angry, but I have a six year old daughter who's asleep and another daughter who is crying her eyes out and I have no idea why. So I'm gonna have to ask you to keep the noise down."Mrs Pierce said in a controlled voice.

My mom took a deep breath before speaking again "Brittany broke up with Santana."

Hearing those words again felt like a knife being stabbed into my chest.

Mrs Pierce looked shocked and started to shake her head. "No. No, Brittany wouldn't do that. She's in love with Santana."For the first time she realised I was standing there beside my mom and she spoke to me. "Did she break up with you?"

"Yes."My answer was barely audible but I knew she had heard me.

Before Mrs Pierce had a chance to react my mom was speaking again. "Brittany hurt my daughter and I want her to talk to her. I want her to tell me why."

"I don't think that's such a good idea. I'm sure the girls will sort this out by themselves. I don't think us meddling will help."Mrs Pierce said as she stretched her arm out so my mom couldn't barge inside the house.

"Mom just leave it. Let's go home."I said as I started to tug on her arm. But she didn't move she just stared at Mrs Pierce. Before either could speak another word somebody else spoke.

"Who's at the door?"A familiar voice said.

As she saw me her eyes went wide and she stood still. I wanted to say something to her but I couldn't. I took in her appearance. She was wearing sweats, a hoodie and her hair was in a messy bun. Her eyes were red and bloodshot which indicated she had been crying and I guessed I looked as miserable and broken as she did. I was having trouble figuring why she had been crying when she had been the one to break up with me.

I couldn't stop the tears that escaped my eyes and neither could she as she started to cry as well. Mrs Pierce and my mom hadn't said a word and I wondered whether they going to leave us alone to talk.

"I'm so sorry."Brittany said as she made eye contact with me. I didn't say anything back because I didn't know what to say. "Can we talk?"Brittany asked.

I just hoped that this nightmare I was living would end soon.

I nodded and walked into the Pierce house.

I'm sorry for the crappy chapter. Next Chapter; 'Operation Brittana'.

Anyway I'd love it if you leave your thoughts in a review. :D