If the Pit was chaotic before, it is absolute pandemonium now. I have never seen so many Dauntless in one place before. I am confronted with a veritable sea of black clothing as I enter, and practically have to resort to combat tactics to get some breakfast. I don't even bother looking for a place at a table, but instead duck into a vacant corner and crouch with my back against the wall, plate balanced on my knees. I am so overwhelmed by the combination of this mass commotion and the anxiety for what looms just a few short hours in my future that I don't even taste my food. I'm not even hungry, really. I eat because I know I have to.
After breakfast, I hope to find a little peace and quiet someplace where I can focus on what's coming. In Stage Two, I experienced six fears. There was the first two: the countless clones of myself overwhelming me in the white room, and the hundreds of gray and brown dogs chasing me through the city. After that came my fear of having no control over a situation, in which I was locked on the outside of the fence on the marsh side after dark; and my fear of utter isolation, this time my friends and family faded into nothing one by one and I was powerless to stop it; waking up in the Factionless sector of the city under the belief that joining Dauntless had been a dream; and my most recent fear was falling from the top of the Hub. I am well aware that I will face those and, in all likelihood, many more in my fear landscape today.
Replaying how I reacted in those simulations before and how I want to handle them today have become my primary focus at the moment, although the brief time I spent with Dante yesterday still hangs around the edges of my thoughts. I can never expel him fully from my mind. I just don't want to dwell on too much of what happened between us right now because I'm still not sure what it means. There will be more time for that later, and the outcome of this final exam will determine everything.
The only place I am able to find any peace is back in the dorm. Nicole, Joseph, and Nate are nowhere to be found, so I end up sitting on the floor with my back against the bed, replaying my scenarios over and over in my head until I am pretty certain that I have them memorized. When I finally decide that I've done all that I can to prepare mentally, I briefly consider going down to the Lab to pay Queen and the other dogs a quick visit. In the end, however, I decide against it for two reasons. Number one: the crowd in the Pit had grown to an insane level and fighting through it to get to the Lab and back up would be hellish, and could make me late for the test. Secondly, it would feel like a final farewell when I leave that room today, knowing that the possibility exists that I may end up getting cut. I decide instead that I will make the trip down to the Lab after the initiation ceremony, to give me something more to look forward to afterwards.
With about an hour to go, I change into one of my combat suits. I know I don't have to wear it today because I won't be doing any real fighting, I figure it won't hurt to show up looking like I'm ready for anything. As I am rifling through them, I come across the one that was damaged in my first fight against Nate. I haven't worn it since that day, but seeing it brings back the memory of the first time that Dante and I spent quality time together. I smile a little, thinking back to that night by the chasm as I run my thumb back and forth over the damaged fabric a few times. Then, resolutely, I change into the damaged suit. Maybe it's for luck, maybe it's because I believe that keeping my memories close will help me through this, or maybe it's just because I hope that Dante will see it and remember what I remember about this suit. Maybe it's even a little bit of all of this.
I leave the dorm for the last time as an initiate and begin my journey to the fear landscape room and the rest of my life.
I arrive with plenty of time to spare, even though it took significantly longer to get to the room than usual because the crowd in the Pit has surged to monolithic proportions. As I approach the entrance to the room, I see a line of other initiates who are waiting for their runs. As per usual, they are seated against the wall. We will be taking our final test in ranking order, from last to first. Until recently I had been pointedly avoiding the scoreboards during Stage Two, because I was afraid that Dante's rank would slip drastically and I would be helpless to do anything about it. However, I found that I had nothing to worry about when I sneaked a glance in two days ago: Dante is still ranked first, and to my surprise I learned that my own rank has rocketed from eleventh to sixth.
I take my seat on the floor with the others. Ahead of me in line are the initiates who are ranked seventh through thirteenth. I see both Joseph and Nicole among them. I was shocked to see their names toward the bottom of the list as they both had ranked far higher in Stage One. The others filter in gradually, and the final tests begin. The initiates are ushered into the large room where we are seated in two rows of chairs against the far wall. Opposite us, behind a series of monitors, are the five leaders of Dauntless, including Max and Eric. They will be observing the tests from here, while our instructors watch from an adjacent room. The purpose for this, it was explained, is to eliminate contact between the initiates and the instructors, which could have an effect on the test results.
Joseph is ranked thirteenth, so he enters the simulation first. The Dauntless leaders watch him closely, scrutinizing every minute detail of Joseph's behavior during the test. I try to watch him, but after a few minutes I find that it's almost painful. He seems to be having trouble, and at one point seems close to panicking. I avert my eyes and look at the other initiates instead. This is when I notice that not all thirteen of us are here: Jacqueline, Vince, Nate, Seneta, and Dante are absent. I experience a brief moment of terror when I wonder of something has happened to them, but it is quelled within a minute by the appearance of Nate and Jacqueline. They take the seats to my right, both still pointedly not looking at me. I catch myself rolling my eyes. I wish they would stop acting like this. I lean over to Jacqueline and ask if she's seen the others. She whispers back that they are on their way; the top-ranked initiates often don't want to sit through everyone else's fear landscapes, so they don't show up until about halfway through the tests. I thank her, feeling reassured. She looks at me quizzically for a moment, but as I start to turn back to her, she turns away quickly and whispers something to Nate. I sigh in mild frustration.
The only thing I am paying close attention to is the times of each test. The simulation of the fear landscape leaves its subject aware that he or she is in a simulation. Additionally, we have all been running through individual fear simulations for some time now, so the times of the tests are pretty fast. Joseph takes eleven minutes. Next up is Reece; he takes nine minutes and forty-eight seconds. Then Nicole takes fourteen minutes and ten seconds. And on, and on, and on.
The clock has just started on Jayce's test when the door to the room opens to admit first Dane, and hot on his heels, Seneta. She looks frustrated; he wears an expression like a mask of stone. There is a strange energy between them that I can't quite interpret until Dante takes a seat directly behind me, leans forward, and drapes his arms around my shoulders, propping his chin on my shoulder. His hands are trembling slightly and his breath is a little ragged. I am surprised by his sudden, bold show of affection toward me in public. Almost reflexively, I reach up and gently grasp his forearms where they cross over my collarbones. His lips are right beside my ear.
"Some people," he whispers curtly, "just don't know when to quit." He gives my shoulders a protective squeeze. I glance over at Seneta, who is standing at the end of my row of chairs. Her expression changes from one of frustration to one of smoldering loathing when our eyes meet. I can only guess what happened. I might have to pry the details out of Dante later. But for now…
Jayce's test clocks out at ten minutes flat. When he opens his eyes, Dante is still leaning forward but his hands have moved down to my waist. Jayce is ranked seventh, so that means I am next. I reach for Dante's hands, pressing my palms to his knuckles as I squeeze them one last time before I rise and walk to the center of the room while Eric escorts Jayce to the exit. The youngest Dauntless leader returns a moment later with a syringe filled with ten ccs of fear serum, just for me. I feel the needle's bite in the side of my neck, and I close my eyes.
One.
The countless faceless clones of myself enter the white room, trying to overwhelm me. But I am different than them: I am wearing Dauntless black, not Amity red and yellow. I grasp my arm where the fabric of my combat suit is ripped. I think: this happened to me; not to anyone else. I raise my head and stand against them, armed with memories and experiences that are mine alone. The clones vanish.
Two.
The dogs are chasing me. I am fleeing as fast as I can. I am cornered on top of the old train station. I could jump to the steel beam and scale the ladder, but the dogs will still be there, waiting for me to come back down. I remember facing another group of dogs once: in my aptitude test. I remember that the Erudite man who I stabbed in that simulation was controlling the dogs with his voice. He used a strange word to make the first dog stop attacking… what was that word? I wrack my brain, closing my eyes and crouching on top of the crumbling roof, remembering, remembering… and then I have it. I turn back and face the dogs, making eye contact with the largest, fastest one who continually jumps to try to reach me. I bellow the word that the Erudite man used and the dogs go silent and still. I stay focused on the alpha dog.
Three.
I am outside of the fence on the marsh side. I am alone and night is falling. The Dauntless who patrol the wall are paying no attention to my calls for help. I try to walk toward the wall, but I never get any closer to it. I try running, but the result is the same I must reach the wall, I must. There is safety within the wall, but outside there is only danger and death. I can't reach it no matter how fast I run, nor can I get the attention of the Dauntless guards no matter how loud I call. I stop struggling and try to think of another way. I look around for something on the ground that could help me. I spot a fist-sized stone in the mud near my foot. I scoop it up, take aim, and hurl it at the fence. It slams into the chain link with a loud crash, and the guards turn to look. They turn on a huge spotlight and shine it right on me. One runs for the gate, ordering it to be opened.
Four.
I wake up on a cold slab of concrete instead of my now familiar bed in the transfer dorms at Dauntless. I open my eyes and find that I am surrounded by dozens of people. Thin, bedraggled, dirty, and all outside in a very run-down part of the city: they are the factionless and I am one of them. The Choosing Ceremony burns in my head like a dream, fading with each heartbeat. I was never Dauntless. I failed, or I dreamed it all, and now I am factionless. I feel hopelessness and fear gripping at my heart and I curl into a ball, wrapping my arms around my legs. I failed, and I will never amount to anything now. My hand passes over a fray on my sleeve that feels oddly familiar. I glance at it, and remember how I got the rip: Nate attacked me with a shard of hard plastic during training. Dauntless training. I am Dauntless!
Five.
I am on top of the Hub, and the wind is terrible. It is winter, and there is a storm blowing in from the northeast. The wind rips at my limbs, pushing and shoving me toward the edge. I'm going to fall, I'm going to fall and I'm going to die. My fingers scrabble for purchase on the slick surface of the wall beside me as the wind keeps pushing me back. I lean into it, looking around for anything to hold onto. There is nothing. I flail wildly as I try to keep my balance on the edge of the building. The wind picks up, and I know that one more gust will send me over. I can't let myself fall; I can't let myself die. I face into the wind. I duck my head down and throw my arms out in front of me. I crouch lower. The wind is still pushing me, I can't stop it, but I figure that if I get lower to the ground I will be more anchored. I'm fine if I am on solid ground. It's not the height that is so frightening to me; it's the fall. If I can lay flat, I'll become more streamlined and maybe, just maybe, I won't fall. I concentrate on getting myself into a horizontal position alongside the slick wall.
Six.
I am in a room with many people, all of them familiar. Everyone I have ever cared about is here: my mother, my father, my brother and his wife, my friends from Amity and from school, and all my new friends in Dauntless. Dante is here too, right at my side, smiling and holding my hand. Then, one by one, they all begin to fade away. Each of them casts a longing glance at me before they vanish. I reach out to them, or move toward them, trying to catch them before they blink out of existence, but I am always just one step too late. After a moment I am utterly alone in a colorless, featureless world. I don't want to be alone. Alone is worse than factionless. Alone, I cannot survive. I want to be with the others, with the people I love, wherever they have gone. I close my eyes and will myself to go wherever they have gone. I feel myself blink out of existence, just as they did.
Seven.
I am on the old platform on the edge of the Dauntless compound. I stand facing the far end, the dark and shadowy end. Spencer has just emerged from the shadows. He is holding a loaded pistol and it is aimed at my head. Behind me, I hear running feet. I know that I will see Erica's body on the tracks if I look to my left. I know I will see Dante and compound security running toward me if I turn around. The look in Spencer's eyes tells me that he is beyond reason and all he wants to do is cause me as much pain as he has experienced himself. He is intent on killing everyone who is important to me… unless… unless… I hurtle myself forward just as his finger starts to tighten around the trigger. I refuse to put everyone through this all over again. He squeezes the trigger, and I feel a searing heat in the center of my chest. At least he won't get Dante this time…
Eight.
I am pressed facedown to a familiar cold, tile floor. I struggle to roll over but a jagged pain in my lower back keeps me down. I hear ragged breathing from somewhere above and behind me. The side of my face is pressed to the floor, so I can't turn my head much, but I catch a glimpse of someone looming over me: Jack. The memory comes back like a brick against my temple and I am almost as paralyzed by the fear as I am physically by Jack. I flail and flop, helpless to rise. I hear fabric ripping and pressure against my body, and my helplessness nearly overwhelms me. I feel my senses slowly slipping away, shutting down in self-defense with the knowledge of what's coming. I can barely hear the dogs barking. Then I gulp in a lungful of air, and scream Queen's name. I hear the rending screech of metal scraping metal, then an abrupt snarl right behind my head. I hear the sound of two bodies colliding, a surprised shout, and another vicious snarl. Then silence, and I am suddenly able to move again.
Nine.
The Pit stretches before me, its myriad of corridors spider webbing out in all directions. As I watch, figures manifest from the darkness down each of them. One by one they step into the eternal dusk of the Pit and stop. I see my mother and father emerge from one corridor, my brother from another, Erica at another… then Dante… then Queen… then Four… then the five Dauntless leaders. They are all looking at me expectantly. They all expect me to approach them, but I know that if I approach any one of them, another one will be cut off from me. I don't know how I know this: I just do. I must make a choice that will sacrifice another. I take a step toward Four, and the leaders vanish. I stop and change direction, this time heading for Erica. Four disappears, and I stop again and turn in a circle, desperate to know what to do. All of them are important to me, and I don't want any of them to be eliminated from my life. But that's what I am doing: I am systematically limiting my choices by making other choices. I am running out of options, and this is the one thing I fear the most: having no choice left but necessity. I turn to Dante. I told him that this was my worst fear, and I desperately hope that he can help me. But as soon as I take a step in his direction, my parents vanish. I cry out for them, but it's too late. They're gone. No one else has moved; they all just look at me, waiting for me to act. I can't do it, though. I am desperate to keep the choices that remain to me- all of them. Shaking my head, I move back to the center of the Pit.
"You all want me to choose you, right?" I call out to them. "Fine, then. I choose you. All of you. But you have to come to me."
I open my eyes, and I am back in the fear landscape room. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to steady myself. The room is eerily silent. I place my hands on my knees and look at the floor, afraid of what I will see if I look into the faces of the leaders or my fellow initiates. Finally I glance up at the digital timer over the door. It is frozen at eight minutes, sixteen seconds.
Nine fears. Eight minutes and sixteen seconds. That means it took me less than a minute to work through each of them. The reality of this hits me like a hammer, the same way it did when I emerged from my aptitude test with a pure Dauntless result. At first I feel very small, and then I feel invincible. The silence in the room is almost deafening until the murmuring begins. It starts with the five leaders, and soon after the other initiates take it up. I look up at them finally, and I am met with a mixture of expressions. Some look approving, some look shocked, some look impressed. Eric approaches me again and escorts me to the door. He instructs me to wait for the rest of the initiates to complete their tests, after which we will all convene in the Pit for final rankings and, for those who are in the top ten, the initiation ritual and welcoming feast.
As I am walking out the door, I cast a hopeful glance over my shoulder to where Dante sits. He is watching me with a small but approving smile on his face. He nods once, as if to say "see you soon" and the door swings shut behind me.