A/N: Hi all – thank you for sticking this storyline out and for your feedback. This chapter is the last completely Lewis-centric chapters until the chapter with the trial (which according to cannon took place in January… so several months down the line).

For those of you who didn't watch the original episodes, Lewis held Olivia captive for over two days, physically and psychologically torturing her and forcing her to take drugs and drink alcohol. Olivia was not raped, which becomes particularly significant during the trial (essentially Lewis wants to plead guilty to rape, and Olivia is deeply upset by this because he didn't victimize her in that way).

Also important is what happened while Olivia was captive. CW: some graphic details. She was able to incapacitate Lewis and handcuff him to the bedframe in the room when he was holding her captive. He's unconscious, but eventually wakes up and starts goading Olivia, who of course is physically, mentally, and emotionally at her breaking point. She loses her resolve and starts beating him violently with an iron post from the bedframe. Later, when asked by Internal Affairs, she lies and says that Lewis freed himself from the handcuffs and her beating him was in self-defense.

If you do go back and watch the original episode, just know it is deeply disturbing and upsetting, including the aforementioned scene. Mariska's acting is literally incredible; however I could hardly stomach watching everything. Which is why I'm avoiding too many graphic details for this story and instead am focusing on the recovery process, because it really changed Olivia as a character.

CW: Lewis Case

Rating: T

Chapter 39: Hope, Revisited

When Alex roused the next morning, she could feel Olivia's eyes on her. Blinking awake, she looked up at her fiancée, whose face was filled with emotion yet completely unreadable. But nothing could have prepared Alex for what happened next, and she felt her heart sink as Olivia held out her hand and handed Alex her engagement ring.

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A couple of hours earlier [CW: this flashback contains some graphic details/dialogue from the episode via Olivia's nightmare]

She was back in that room. Everything vivid and picture-clear. Pacing. She was pacing. Lewis was handcuffed to the bedframe, unconscious. She was in control now. She looked down at his slumped over body. "Hey."

"Hey you," she repeated, kicking him. "You're out cold aren't you. I haven't called anybody yet." She paused, voice lowering to a hush as she finally acknowledged why. "I think I want you to suffer first."

She looked down at this man. This man that had taken everything from her. Her safety. Her strength. Her dignity.

"Maybe I could burn you…" she started, remembering with a shudder what he had done to her. "Or cut you. Or I could use the blowtorch on you." She paused, bile running up her stomach, burning the sides alone with the vodka and drugs he had forced her to take. "But you might enjoy that too much."

She put the torch down, stalking back over to Lewis's still unmoving body. "See you, you'd know what to do. Your whole life, you know what you want. And you just do it. What I want to do?" she reached to her side and grabbed her service weapon, hoping to garner some sort of power from it. "I want to shoot you in the head right now. Watch you bleed out. Or maybe that's too easy."

It wasn't though. The truth was that Olivia couldn't bring herself to do it. As much as she despised the monster in front of her. As much as he had tortured her, had tried to strip her of every last part of who she was before inevitably killing her. She couldn't bring herself to shoot an incapacitated man. She wanted to, but she couldn't.

"My old partner – he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done," she explained, voice beginning to break. "He would kick your teeth in. Break your legs. Break your arms. Break your back. Break your face," she sputtered like a mantra, rocking herself back and forth in an ineffective attempt to gain some sort of comfort. "Maybe I should call him. Maybe I should get him to use that metal bar on you. Huh? And make you beg for your life."

An empty threat and Olivia knew it. Hell, she wasn't even sure if she had Elliot's current phone number anymore, and in the back of her mind, she wondered if he would even come if he knew what had happened. If she was even worth that.

No, right now she was alone. Because Elliot was gone. And Alex, Alex couldn't see this. Couldn't see any of this…

Heart-dropping at the thought of the blonde, Olivia jumped back in terror as Lewis finally flipped over and snarled at her, having only been feigning unconsciousness for the duration of the detective's diatribe. "Then do it. Do something," the man growled, brown eyes piercing her. "Please God that speech. That's the saddest thing I ever heard in my life."

"Shut up."

"You're partner would know what to do. I would know what to do," Lewis mimicked sarcastically. "And you just stand there wondering what to do."

"I will hurt you."

"Then take the cuffs off."

"Stop talking," Olivia tried again, trying to remind herself that she was in control now. Trying to pretend that she was in control now.

"Or what? Are you gonna shoot me? You don't have it in you. You want to, but you can't, 'cause you're a nice girl."

Olivia's mouth gaped, her breathing coming to a halt. He could see right through her. She couldn't defend herself from him. Hell, she had physically stopped him but now? She was so weak that he could see right past all of her attempts at resolve. What kind of detective was she?

"That old partner of yours. Well, he sounds very macho doesn't he?" Lewis teased, pulling himself into a sitting position.

"No."

"It must've been tough for you. All those long nights alone in the car…"

"You don't get to talk about him," Olivia said firmly, re-poising her gun. She knew what Lewis was trying to do, what he was getting at. And he was wrong. But even still, he wasn't allowed to turn what she had said about Elliot against her.

"Did he ever do you? He did, didn't he? It makes sense detective. You try to act all tough and stuff. Hell, you say you're a dyke. Don't need no man. Think you can protect that blonde piece of yours. But you can't. You need someone who can take control."

Olivia shuddered at his reference to Alex, walking away towards the window. Unable to not think that her fiancée deserved so much more than her. Especially now.

"All your life you've been listening to stories. Women telling you about the worst night of their life. What about you, huh?"

"Shut up!"

"What are you working through?"

"Shut up! I said shut up!"

"Something your daddy did to you? Is that it?"

"Shut up," Olivia repeated, raising her gun at the reference to her father.

"I'm onto something, aren't I," Lewis replied with a sick grin on his face. "Call me what you want, but I can always smell a victim."

Fury burned throughout Olivia's body. She wasn't a victim. Not to that. Not anymore. It had taken her years to believe that she wasn't destined to be just like her father. Jesus, the amount she had gone through alone fighting off those demons. What it had been like with Alex… She kicked Lewis in the back. "Can you smell that?"

"That's it, there's the spunk," Lewis grinned back, pleased at what he had gotten out of the brunette, Olivia sickeningly realized her behavior is what he had wanted all along. To break her down. To keep breaking her down. And she couldn't stop him. He went on to describe his own father, his depravity. The fact that Lewis had liked it. The fact that he was just like him.

Olivia pointed a gun to his head. She needed to kill this man. To end what he was doing to her, to all of those other women. He wouldn't stop. But she couldn't stop him – couldn't bring herself to pull the trigger in spite of his taunting, his goading her to end his life. She exhaled heavily, walking away slowly back towards the dresser, placing her hand down and trying to calm herself. Because she couldn't kill him. Not like that. What would that make her? Violent, just like him. A monster, just like him.

"I knew it. You don't have the balls," Lewis scoffed.

Olivia looked up into the mirror at the sound of his voice. Looking past her own beaten face, her mutilated body. Something inside her snapped. She lifted the metal rod nearby, the bedpost she had pulled lose to free herself, and turned back towards the man. She beat him. She beat him again and again and again as he yelped out in pain, as blood splatted. As she remembered each and every last thing he had done to her. As she realized nothing would even be the same.

Screaming and sobbing as she continued to deliver blows with her last ounces of strength before collapsing, hunching over in physical and emotional exhaustion as she looked down at what she had done.

But when the detective looked over at the bloodied, still body at her feet, it was no longer Lewis. It was Alex.

Olivia woke up screaming. Disoriented. Unable to burn the image of Alex's beaten face out of her mind.

"Shh, Liv. It's okay. You're safe. It's just a nightmare."

Alex's voice. It was a dream. It was all just a twisted dream. Except it wasn't. With the exception of Alex's body in the end, all of that had happened with Lewis. And Olivia was terrified.

The detective flinched as she felt Alex place a hand on her back, accidently brushing her fingers against one of the burns that Lewis had put there, branding her. A burn that Alex didn't know about. That she could never know about. How was the detective ever supposed to tell her what happened to her?

She felt Alex pulled her hand away. "Sorry, I have – I have wounds there," she explained softly, unable to meet Alex's eye. She felt dirty, broken.

"It's okay sweetheart. I'm sorry, I didn't know." A pause. "Liv, it looks like you had an accident. How about we get out of bed, and I'll help you clean off." Olivia flushed, completely embarrassed. She was disgusting. She was weak. "Sweetheart, it's okay. You don't need to be embarrassed. I'll help you."

The detective shook her head. Alex shouldn't have to do this. Shouldn't have to help her. "I can do it," she replied stiffly, stepping out of the bed, waddling towards the bathroom from the awkwardness of her wet bottoms and the soreness of her body. It hurt so much, and yet she still felt numb. She quickly grabbed the clothing that Alex offered to her and entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. She walked over and looked at the mirror, her still bruised face. The butterfly stitches on her eyebrow. Suddenly, she flashed back to the image of her face in the mirror back in that beach house. Back with Lewis.

Quickly turning on the shower faucets to drown out the sound, she walked over to the toilet and heaved into it as she remembered the image of Alex's face from her dream. The violence that she had enacted against Lewis in reality.

Emptying the bile from her stomach, she rolled onto the floor next to the bowl, propping herself up against the wall, gripping her abdomen in pain. And she began to sob. Sob as she once more remembered what had happened over the past couple of days. Sobbed as she realized things would never be the same. Sobbed as she realized she was a monster too.

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"Olivia – what, what are you doing?" Alex asked, stomach sinking as the brunette placed the engagement ring in her palm. She looked up at her fiancée, who she could tell was trying her best not to cry.

"I – this is for the best, Alex."

The blonde immediately furrowed her brows in confusion, cerulean eyes immediately filling with tears. "What do you mean it's for the best? Olivia, sweetheart, I love you. I am here for you. You are going to get through this. We are going to get you through this."

The brunette shook her head rapidly, a lump that had risen in her throat preventing her from speaking. "No," she eventually rasped out, pulling back as Alex reached out to take one of her hands. "No, we can't. I can't – "

In spite of her complete fear as she watched her fiancée slipping away, Alex forced herself to try to remain calm externally, but she was unable to completely conceal the anxiety in her voice as she pleaded. "Sweetheart, please. Please tell me what is going on. Please talk to me."

Once again, Olivia began to shake her head, this time her body wracked with sobs. Completely broken, she wasn't even able to bring herself to push Alex away when she felt the attorney wrap her arms around her shaking frame, holding her. Comforting her. "Alex, you can't – you can't be with me," she rasped. "Please."

"Olivia, I want to be with you. Nothing that happened changes that."

"You don't know what I did," the brunette countered, breaking down even more. Finally, she pulled herself out of Alex's grasp, eyes wide with fear. "I'm a monster, Alex."

Alex swallowed, heart-breaking completely at the sight in front of her. The amount of uncertainty and fear and self-hate evident on the detective's face. She shook her head resolutely. "You're not a monster, Olivia."

"I am," Olivia cried out. "Fuck Alex, you don't know what happened in that room. What I did," she snarled, standing up from the bed and walking away. She had to get out of there. She had to protect Alex from herself.

"Then tell me," Alex countered, her voice taking on an authoritative tone normally reserved for the courtroom. Deep inside, she was terrified that Olivia might actually leave. That this might be it. "You at least owe me that," she added more gently. "Tell me why you need to leave."

Olivia grimaced. She was angry. Not at Alex in the least, but at herself. "You want me to tell you what I did? Fine," she snapped, hoping that maybe if she yelled at Alex the blonde would see what kind of person she really was. What she was capable of. That she would know she had to leave. "I broke free from my restraints in the beach house, and I incapacitated Lewis. I knocked him unconscious, and I handcuffed him to the bed." Alex simply nodded, forcing herself to remain calm so that the brunette would continue.

Olivia swallowed, scared to admit the next part of the story to the blonde. "I – I didn't call in right away. I should have and I wish that I did, but I didn't." She looked at the younger woman for any signs of fear but found none. "I lied to IAB, Alex," she finally continued, voice soft and ashamed. "I wanted to hurt him but I couldn't. But then he woke up and was saying all of these things. Things about my father. I – I lost it." She looked up, steeling her nerves to meet her girlfriend's eyes as she made her gravest confession. "I beat him, Alex. I beat Lewis to a pulp while he was still handcuffed. I am just as bad as he is, and I need to go because I cannot put your safety at risk by letting you stay with someone like me."

It was quiet for a moment as Alex fully absorbed Olivia's words, as she observed her fiancée – the pain deep within her. Throughout the early parts of their relationship, Olivia had been so afraid of herself. Afraid that there was something deep inside of her that would make her turn out like her father. It had taken years for the detective to even begin to move past that, largely through their relationship. To see herself as Alex saw her, which was frankly the most loving, kind, and selfless person that the blonde had ever met.

And now Alex saw this for what it was. This was Olivia's insecurities back in full-force, perhaps stronger than they had ever been. She looked at the love of her life, who was completely broken apart, sobbing hysterically as she admitted her guilt and remorse for beating a heinous, evil man. Someone who had violated and tortured her to an extent that Alex didn't even know. And yet here she was afraid that she was truly the monstrous one.

"Olivia," the blonde began carefully, voice gentle but firm. "Anyone in your position would have done the same thing. Hell, if I saw Lewis," she felt her voice catching in a sob. "After what he did to you. I'd fucking put a bullet right through his skull."

This only made Olivia begin to cry harder. "I don't want to hurt you, Alex. I want you to be safe."

"You're not going to hurt me," the blonde said, finally standing from her position on the bed, assured enough now that the detective wasn't going to run out of the room. "Olivia, you went through something incredibly traumatic, and I know that I don't even know the extent of it," Alex began, sniffling as she tried to stop crying enough to finish what she needed to stay. "Most people wouldn't survive that. I – I thought I was going to lose you, Olivia," she admitted, reaching up to caress the detective's face, who winced, still afraid. "Anyone, literally anyone in your position would have done the same thing, sweetheart. Some people probably would have done worse. You are the farthest thing from a monster, Olivia. There is no one in this world who I trust my safety with more than you. I trust you, and I'm going to be here with you as you learn to trust yourself again."

Both women began sobbing after Alex finished her sentence, gripping each other for dear life. The detective more terrified than she had ever been before but not running away from her fiancée's embrace. Once they had both calmed down, Alex guided Olivia to sit on the bed next to her, handing the detective back the ring she was still holding. Olivia looked down at the metal band – and the promises held within it. This was Alex giving her the choice. She hesitated for a moment before slipping it back on her finger, looking up to watch as relief flooded the blonde's features. She pulled Alex into her arms, the tiniest bit of her heart healing as she felt the younger woman place a kiss on the area on her finger above the ring.

This wasn't going to be easy, but she wasn't alone. And for the first time in days, she felt like maybe one day things might be alright.