XXXVII. Cold

This was not how Er Kang wanted to spend his first wedding anniversary.

There is a meme on the internet where there are scenarios you have to write about two characters. One of the scenarios is "forced to share a bed". Of course I had to go with this, didn't I? Yes, this is supposed to be silly and snarky. And platonic. Just in case that wasn't clear. All one big conversation.

"Tell me again, how did we get into this situation?"

"Just take the bed, Xiao Yan Zi. I'm trying to be the gentleman here. Let me be."

"No, really. Just…jog my memories."

"You want a recap, really?"

"Humour me, Er Kang."

"You, me, Yong Qi went to Hebei to check out the situation there, a situation which, in fact, Yong Qi would have done well on his own, but Zi Wei insisted I go with Yong Qi because I've been hovering over her and apparently she thought I needed a vacation, and you insisted on going with us because apparently you felt you needed a vacation from the palace too even though why you think traveling in winter is fun, I have no idea."

"Well you have been hovering. She's only pregnant."

"Don't you start."

"It's true! Besides, I know we got out of Beijing. It's how you and I ended up in this situation that I'm just finding a little hard to get my head around."

"You do realise that my recapping it all won't change the situation one bit?"

"Yes."

"Are you always this insufferable? What? It's true! Fine! Fine! So an urgent summon came from Beijing which says Huang Ah Ma needs Yong Qi back immediately. Of course, you have to go frolicking in the snow the day before and catch a cold so bad that it confined you to bed for three days, which meant that Yong Qi had to go back to Beijing and I got stuck waiting around for you."

"Thanks. It's nice to know you like me so much."

"Not tonight, I don't particularly like you."

"Feeling's mutual."

"Of course the moment you are well and we start back to Beijing, before we've even been on the road for two days, there's a blizzard. And this is the only inn in a twenty-mile radius that has any room left. The only problem is it only has one room left. With one bed. So, Xiao Yan Zi, just take the stupid bed. I'd like to get to sleep soon, even if it would be on the floor."

"It's freezing. There's not enough blankets left even with ours from the carriage to make the floor warm."

"I'll live, thank you for your concern."

"No, Er Kang, really. You'll catch your death on the floor. And I wouldn't want to explain to Zi Wei how that happened."

"What do you want to do? There is one bed."

"I'm sure we can both fit."

"You can't be serious."

"What? It's not as if anything will happen."

"Yong Qi is going to kill me. I am going to kill me."

"You think I've never slept as close to Liu Qing before?"

"What? No, I don't want to know. I really don't."

"WHAT? Oh my god, you are such a – NOT LIKE THAT, you idiot!"

"I hope not!"

"Sometimes in the winter it's the only way to keep warm when we didn't have money for coal and blankets, you know."

"Xiao Yan Zi. It's one night. I'll be fine. You take the bed, and just go to sleep. Let's not talk about this anymore."

"It'll get colder in the night. The floor is stone. You. Will. Freeze."

"Fine. But no one will know about this."

"Believe me, I won't be bragging to everyone about this either. Not exactly how I planned to spend my first wedding anniversary."

"And you think this is how I planned to spend mine? At least whoever's making all this happening is being consistent."

"Consistent?"

"Wedding anniversary. Remember what happened about this time last year?"

"Oh, god. I think I was so traumatised by that whole mix-up that I just blocked it from my memories."

"I wish I could do that."

…

"Er Kang, for heaven's sake, are you made of elbows?"

"I am lying perfectly straight. It's you who kept jamming into me."

"How does Zi Wei – never mind. Budge over, will you? You're pressing me against the wall. It's cold."

"There is no over to budge. In any case, at this rate, I might as well have taken the floor in the first place, since you're doing a good job of pushing me to it."

"The bed is very small, Er Kang."

"I really haven't noticed that, Xiao Yan Zi."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you."

"And hogging the blanket doesn't become you."

"Well, you're hogging the pillow."

"I am not."

"Are too."

"Do you realise how childish that sounds?"

"Shut up."

"You are the one who insisted on this."

"Because I don't want to explain why you froze to death."

"You could complain me to death though."

"Shut up. And you are still hogging the pillow."

"There's only one pillow, Xiao Yan Zi, and it's small."

"No kidding. Seriously, how does Zi Wei – never mind."

"You keep saying that. And for your information, we don't sleep in the world's smallest bed with just one pillow at home. Here. Have it."

"Argh!"

"What now?"

"The pillow is too small."

"I thought we've established that already?"

"No, it's too small even just for me."

"Your head is that big?"

"Shut up."

"Fine, give it back to me then."

"Then I won't have a pillow."

"For heaven's sake, you complain with it and you complain without it. Just give it back."

"Fine, here."

"Roll over."

"I thought you said there was no over."

"Xiao Yan Zi, just – "

"Er Kang, that's your arm, not a pillow."

"It will serve the purpose of a pillow and it will be long enough for your need."

"I AM NOT SLEEPING ON YOUR ARM!"

"Do you mind not waking up the whole town?"

"Er Kang!"

"You haven't done this before?"

"Not with your arm!"

"Dare I ask –Liu – "

"NO! Yong Qi!"

"I am sure there must be soldiers outside this inn now wondering why you're shouting the name of – "

"SHUT. UP."

"You keep telling me to shut up, when the one that need to shut up is you."

"You are made of elbows."

"You've made this observation before. And it's my arm. There's an elbow attached. That's what arms are."

"Turn it to the none-elbow side."

"I can't without turning to my side."

"So turn."

"Fine. If I do, can we go to sleep now?"

"Yes! Aaah!"

"What now?"

"Are you…spooning me?"

"Xiao Yan Zi. You are lying on your side. I am lying on my side. Ergo? Yes. And it is the most efficient use of the world's smallest bed. And I have not complained about your hair in my face, so you can shut up."

"This is so wrong."

"I am glad we finally came to that conclusion."

"You are not going to mistake me for Zi Wei and snuggle me during the night are you?"

"I doubt either of us will fall into sleep so deeply that that could happen."

"I swear, Er Kang, if it does, I will kick you where it hurts."

"As long as it's not you doing the mistaking."

"Shut up and sleep, Er Kang."

"I really want to comment that it's you who have been keeping both of us up all this time."

"Shut. Up."

"Xiao Yan Zi? Yong Qi will never, under any circumstance, know about any of this."

"You tell him and I will kill you before he gets to you."

"You tell him and I will kill myself before you even get to me."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Good night."

"Good night."