A/N: I've used, and will continue using, lines from the games every now and then, but only when I have something new to add to the scene and dialogue. As I've said before, this is not going to turn into a game walkthrough fic.

Thank you to Suilven, my dear friend and beta, and to my readers. If you've got time, leave me a review. I really appreciate it. :)

Chapter 37 – Big Place

"Hey, lieutenant, put your tongue back in your mouth before you trip on it," Ash teased Kaidan for checking out the dancers in Chora's Den.

"What? I-I'm not… I was not," he stammered, all flustered as Shepard spared him a glance. "Why would you say that?" he muttered angrily to Ashley once the commander turned her attention to some turian general.

"I just wanted to be sure," Ashley said.

"Sure of what?"

"That you and the commander were an item."

"We're not."

She chuckled. "Oh, my God, LT! You're a terrible liar! You were worried that she might have thought you were checking out other women. You even tried to explain yourself. You loooove her," Ash whispered.

"I, uh, I…" Kaidan didn't know what to say.

"Oh, no. LT, I'm so sorry." Ash's expression and tone turned serious for once. "You really are together, aren't you? Did I get you in trouble? I didn't mean to. I'll fix this."

She looked so determined that it got Kaidan worried. Williams was getting too comfortable with her superior officers. He and Shepard couldn't afford to have people thinking they were breaking the fraternization regs, especially when they weren't. Their life together had been postponed for this mission. They had put their careers first, which was already causing them enough heartache. If they got in trouble with the brass for an infraction they hadn't even committed, then it would all have been for nothing.

"I'd rather you just dropped it, chief," he said, following Shepard as she went over to meet Harkin.

"Hey there, sweetheart," the former C-Sec officer said, checking Shepard out from head to toe. "You looking for some fun? 'Cause I gotta say that soldier getup looks real good on that body of yours. Why don't you sit your little ass down beside old Harkin? Have a drink and we'll see where this goes."

Ashley nudged Kaidan with her elbow, egging him on to do something about the former C-Sec officer. Not that he didn't want to, but Shepard seemed to have it under control. She sat down on a chair facing Harkin and signaled Ashley and Kaidan to flank him.

The two marines assumed their positions, crowding Harkin and staring at him with their arms crossed. It was a basic, but effective, intimidation technique, and Harkin fell in line, giving them the information they wanted.

The man even spilled some gossip about Captain Anderson. Kaidan was ready to call bullshit on it, but Shepard didn't seem so ready to dismiss the information. She looked upset, and he wished he could talk to her about it, but he didn't want to do it in front of Ashley.

Hopefully, before the day was over, he would get some time alone with her.

Shepard was having a bad day. It had been one blow after another. The Council had disregarded her warnings about Saren having gone rogue; Anderson had been cut out of the investigation because of his history with the turian Spectre; assassins had tried to ambush her outside Chora's Den, and everyone seemed to want something from her. Her reputation preceded her, and people had no qualms asking her to do them favors. Apparently, they thought there was no problem the Hero of the Blitz couldn't solve.

After the mess that had been her first mission as Anderson's XO, she needed a win; she needed to prove Saren was a traitor. This would restore the Council's faith in the Normandy team and it would make the mission on Eden Prime seem less like a failure.

She had spent the whole day following leads, and had even made an unlikely ally in a krogan bounty hunter. She wasn't the only one interested in bringing Saren down.

As they were heading to Dr. Michel's med clinic, trying to track down another possible ally, she heard a voice that she would recognize anywhere and that put a smile on her face.

"Shepard! Over here!"

"Emily!"

The two friends hugged, and Lisa sent Ashley and the krogan to the clinic while she and Kaidan talked to Wong. The reporter was looking for a big scoop and seemed to have been sniffing around some dangerous stuff.

Shepard was worried for her old friend, and promised to pass along any newsworthy information she came across during her investigation as long as Emily promised to stay out of trouble.

Meeting Emily had been the highlight of her day so far. She would've stayed and talked longer if she hadn't heard shots being fired from the clinic.

"Kaidan, get her to safety," she yelled, already rushing to provide backup to Williams and Wrex.

"Shooting in the Wards! That's a big story; I have to cover it," Emily protested as Kaidan dragged her away from the area.

"Shepard will give you all the information you need about it later. Right now we have to go."

As he put Emily safely in a Rapid Transit out of there, he realized he didn't like being left behind while Shepard ran into combat.

"Commander, what's the situation?" he asked on the comm.

"Under control. How's Emily?"

"She's safe."

"Thank you, lieutenant. We're heading back to Chora's Den. Meet us there."

It was too late in the evening when they got the evidence against Saren from the quarian. The Council wouldn't see them at this hour, so Shepard told everyone to meet her at the Citadel Tower in the morning and sent them on their way. To assure the quarian would be safe, she arranged for her to sleep on the Normandy.

"Aren't you coming, commander?" Kaidan asked when Shepard stayed behind as Williams left to escort the quarian to the ship.

"I'm spending the night at Emily's. She sent me a message asking me to come over."

Kaidan watched her go, despite wanting to stop her. This would be her first real night's sleep after the beacon. She seemed tense and tired; a bed would be better for her than a sleeper pod. But, at the same time, if she had a nightmare, he wouldn't be there for her.

"I'll be fine," she reassured him as she got into a cab.

It didn't keep him from worrying about her, though. The look on her face after she had heard the recording with Saren and a female voice talking about the Reapers, the way she had lowered her head to her hands, eyes screwed shut…

"That's what I saw," she had said, "the Protheans being wiped out by the Reapers. That's what my vision was."

No wonder she had been so distraught after waking up from that beacon-induced coma.

January 29th, 2183

Somehow, Shepard looked worse this morning than she had yesterday. Kaidan wanted to ask her if she had had trouble sleeping, but he wasn't going to do that in front of all these people — Anderson, Udina, Williams, Tali'Zorah, Wrex, and Garrus; they had all come to the meeting with the Council.

The Councilors accepted the evidence against Saren and Shepard offered to bring the former Spectre to justice herself.

It suddenly became clear why Anderson had put Shepard in charge of the mission on Eden Prime and why Nihlus Kryik had been aboard the Normandy. It was all part of a strategy to get the marine accepted into the Spectres.

"Commander Shepard, please, step forward," the asari councilor said.

This was it. Shepard was going to become a Spectre and Kaidan couldn't think of anyone more deserving of that title and honor than her.

"No!" Udina yelled, causing everyone to turn and look at him in shock. "Councilors, this is an event of great importance for the human race. We need to call the press, invite our leaders and a few dignitaries, both human and from other species. I request we postpone the ceremony until tomorrow."

Shepard turned to Udina with gritted teeth and narrowed eyes. "I don't have time for this, ambassador. Every second we waste, Saren is out there, unopposed, and getting closer to his objective."

"Very well. We'll continue tomorrow morning. It'll be the first act in our schedule," the asari councilor said. "This meeting of the Council is adjourned."

"Fuck!" Shepard muttered under her breath.

"Thank you, councilors," Udina said, and then turned to Shepard. "In the meantime, we've got a lot of work to do. You're going to need a ship, a crew, supplies. Anderson and I will take care of it. After the ceremony tomorrow, you'll be ready to leave."

Fuming, Shepard left the Tower with Ashley and Kaidan on her heels. As they waited for the Rapid Transit, Tali, Wrex, and Garrus caught up with them. Everyone got in the same car and got off at the same stop as Shepard, in the Kithoi Ward.

"Are you following me?" she asked the aliens.

"The Pilgrimage proves we are willing to give of ourselves for the greater good. What does it say about me if I turn my back on this? Saren is a danger to the entire galaxy and I want to help you stop him," Tali said.

"Seek the enemy of your enemy and you'll find a friend," Wrex said.

"I want to bring Saren down as much as you do," Garrus said.

"All right. We leave tomorrow after the ceremony. Go pack, get supplies, everything you might need. I'm sure no ship Udina and Anderson might get me will be stocked with dextro food and medication. Or enough meat to feed a krogan."

Once the aliens were gone, Ashley voiced her concerns to the commander about having them on board.

"As far as I know, chief, you're stationed on the Normandy and that's still Captain Anderson's command. So, I don't see how it's any of your business whoever I'm bringing with me on whichever ship they give me," Shepard replied, surprising Kaidan with how sour and rude she sounded.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Maybe I should go back to my post, then," Ashley said.

"You go ahead, Williams."

As the women went their separate ways, Kaidan followed Shepard. Something wasn't right with her. She was walking fast towards some dingy bar and he stopped her by grabbing her arm before she could go in.

"What?" she snapped, yanking her arm out of his grasp and spinning on her heels to face him.

"Can we talk?"

"Shouldn't you go back to your post, too?"

"You're not pushing me away, Shepard. Tell me what's going on. We're on duty, but you're going into a bar at 9 in the morning. I want to know why."

"I'm not on duty. I'm not part of Anderson's team anymore."

"You're going to have your own command and ship. Isn't that what you've always wanted?"

"Yes. That's not the problem."

"Then tell me what it is."

The angry lines on her face softened slightly, but she still looked reluctant. Kaidan wasn't going to drop it, and he stared at her, waiting until she finally gave in.

"Fine. Emily's apartment is nearby. Come on." Making a gesture with her head for him to follow her, she led the way to an apartment building a few meters ahead.

The reporter wasn't there, but Shepard was feeling at home enough to let herself in and pour them two glasses of whisky.

"I'm on duty," Kaidan said, despite having taken the glass.

"No, you're not. Anderson messaged me saying you sent him a request to be transferred to my command the instant we left the Tower. He's already acquiesced."

Kaidan rubbed the headjack on the back of his neck, a small shy smile on his lips. "Look, Shepard, I know we can't be together if we're serving on the same ship, but I'm not leaving you alone to deal with this. I've got your back."

"Thank you." She clinked her glass together with his and took a swig.

"Now, tell me what happened. What got you so upset?"

Shepard sucked in a deep breath and looked down, a dejected look on her face. "Sha'ira, the Consort. I went to see her this morning, before the meeting with the Council. It was just to let her know I had sorted out that mess she had gotten into with the turian general and the elcor ambassador. But, then she did something to me…" Shepard trailed off and Kaidan took her hand to encourage her. He wished they weren't wearing armor, so he could lace their fingers together and feel her skin.

"She got inside my head. I wasn't expecting it. I didn't even know asari could do that. And so soon after the beacon… It made me feel wrong, weak, vulnerable." She downed the rest of her drink and poured herself another dose.

"You're the strongest person I know, Shepard."

Shaking her head as if she didn't believe him, she sat slumped on the couch. "I have a bad feeling about this mission. We've barely even started and so much has gone wrong already."

Kaidan sat down by her side and touched her shoulder to make her look at him. "I know that it feels like we started off on the wrong foot, but we can turn things around. The Council is backing us now, you're going to have your own ship, and you're going to be a Spectre. That will open a lot of doors."

"I hope you're right," she said with a heavy sigh.

They drank in companionable silence for a while until Kaidan spoke again. "The Consort, how did you stop her? Did you, uh… shoot her?"

"No. I didn't even know what was happening. It was like nothing existed around me and I was trapped in this… void."

"How did you get out?"

"She let me go. She said she saw a lot of pain and loss in me. I guess she was trying to make me feel better, but… it didn't work. Did you know asari could do that?"

"Connect minds? Yeah, I've heard of it."

"That's… messed up. Glad there won't be any of them on my ship. A turian, a krogan, and a quarian… I'd say that's enough aliens."

"Commander, about that… you might want to apologize to the chief."

"Yeah, you're probably right. I'll talk to her."

Kaidan got up, set his and Shepard's glasses down on the coffee table, and offered her a hand. "Now, how about we go get some supplies for your new ship?"

Finally, there was a smile on her face; she looked so beautiful, he couldn't take his eyes off of her. When he pulled her up, she didn't let go of his hand.

"Thank you," she said, her hand squeezing his, her eyes boring into his soul, "for making me feel better."

They were standing so close, it made his heart start racing in his chest. He wished he could just take her in his arms and that they could spend the rest of the day in that apartment.

"You can count on me, Shepard." His voice was low and husky, in that tone she loved and that was usually reserved for more intimate moments. He felt so drawn to her, he couldn't help leaning in a little bit closer.

She licked her lips, eyes still fixed on his. They both wanted too much to close that short gap between them; there was no stopping them.

The door swished open and they jumped, quickly separating and sheepishly looking away, as if they were kids that had been caught doing something wrong.

"Oh, my God. I'm so sorry," said a mortified Emily, standing in the doorway. "I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll come back later. You two lovebirds have fun!"

"Emily, wait! We were just leaving." Shepard rushed after the reporter as she started walking away. Sighing, Kaidan followed.

"I just needed to pick up a couple of OSDs I had left here. It's nothing urgent. You can have the apartment," Emily said.

"Thanks, but we really do have to go." Shepard got ahead of her friend and called the elevator. "Come by the Citadel Tower tomorrow at eight and I'll get you an exclusive with the first human Spectre," she said and winked at Emily.

"Seriously? Is it you? It's you, right?"

"Yeah."

Eyes wide with excitement, Emily threw her arms around Shepard, who hugged her back. "That's wonderful! Congratulations! You're going to do great!"

"Thank you, Emz."

When the elevator arrived, the marines got in.

"What about tonight? Are you coming over again?" Emily asked before the door closed.

Shepard shot a look at Kaidan, who did not return it, keeping his head down instead. He knew what her answer would be and he didn't want to make things harder for her. As much as he would love to spend the night with her, he knew they shouldn't.

"Yeah," the commander said.

As the door closed, she turned to him. "It's for the best."

"I know," he replied, now meeting her gaze. She didn't have to explain herself to him; he understood. But, it didn't mean that he didn't want to push her against the elevator wall and crash his body and mouth against hers.

She sucked in a deep breath and fussed with the collar of her armor as if it had suddenly started to feel too hot and tight. "Gosh, Kaidan, if you don't stop looking at me like that…"

Facing straight ahead, he smiled and said, "Sorry… commander. You're pretty hard to step away from."

"You, too… lieutenant."

January 30th, 2183

Shepard decided she had had enough of politicians for a lifetime. It was surprising how many of them Udina had managed to gather in such a short time to attend the ceremony of her induction into the Spectres, and they all wanted to take pictures with her afterwards.

Udina also took the opportunity to announce that her ship would be none other than the SSV Normandy. Anderson was stepping down, and freely handing her his ship and the crew he had so carefully assembled.

While many cheered, Shepard felt her stomach turning. The captain deserved better than to be trampled over like this.

But, she barely had time to process this news, let alone deal with it. Her omni-tool wouldn't stop beeping. The Alliance brass, her friends from N-School, and the press; everyone wanted to talk to her. She tried to keep every conversation as brief as possible, only taking more time to give Emily that exclusive interview she had promised.

Udina seemed too caught up in playing the host and entertaining his guests and the press, and suggested they continue this gathering at the embassy. It was the perfect opportunity for Shepard to slip away. There was something more pressing that she had to do.

She asked Anderson if they could talk in private and told the others that they could go ahead, that she and the captain would wait for the next elevator. But, Anderson didn't even try to call the elevator again. He knew this would be a long conversation.

"I want the truth. Why are you steeping down, sir?"

"You needed your own ship, Shepard. A Spectre can't answer to anyone but the Council. And, it's time for me to step down."

She stopped short of calling it bullshit. "Come clean with me, sir. I think I deserve the truth."

When Anderson told her the details of his history with Saren, it made her even more determined to destroy that turian traitor. She would see this to the end and would bring the Normandy back to Anderson.

"I won't let you down, sir."

The night cycle was already beginning when the Normandy finally left the Citadel. Shepard addressed the crew through the intercom, informing them about their mission, and then retired to the captain's quarters.

They had three different leads to start their search for Saren, and Kaidan wasn't surprised that she had chosen to go to Feros first. A human colony was in danger; that would always be a priority to the sole survivor of Mindoir.

His tool chirped with a message from Dr. Chakwas. All Shepard's medical files were attached. He was glad she had remembered to ask the doctor for the files; it was a sign that she wasn't trying to push him away anymore. And, it encouraged him to go knock on her door to give her a little gift he had gotten her earlier today.

"Kaidan, come on in. I was just talking to your parents." Shepard turned off her terminal and sat on the bed with her back against the headboard and one knee bent in front of her.

The sentinel noticed her new cabin seemed very comfortable. She had her own bathroom and a double bed. It would be good for her, not having to sleep in a pod. But, it was a bit of a shame that they wouldn't run into each other in the crew showers anymore.

"That's good to know, Shepard. They miss you."

"Yeah… I might've promised your mother that we're going to visit on our next shore leave."

We. Kaidan wondered if she knew how much it meant to him that she had said we.

"What's that?" she asked with a nod towards the gift-wrapped box in his hands. Her eyes were tired, despite the smile on her lips. She had already showered and changed into shorts and a loose, well-worn N7 t-shirt for bed. It had been a long day. He shouldn't keep her for too long; they both needed a good night's sleep.

"Something for your cabin." He came closer to her, so he could give her the gift, and she shifted to sit cross-legged on the bed. It looked like she was making room for him to sit with her, but he decided against it and just stood there. It was best to avoid anything that could add to all the tension between them.

She looked uncertain as she picked up the box, as if she didn't know what to do with it. "Like a… housewarming gift?"

"Yeah, I guess. Open it up."

"Okay..." Her eyes lit up as she unwrapped it to find a Destiny Ascension model ship. Smiling, she said, "Kaidan, it's wonderful. Thank you."

"I owed you one of these, Shepard, and it took me long enough to make up for it. You don't have to thank me."

She traced the smooth lines of the small ship appreciatively with her fingers before gingerly setting it up on the nightstand. He hoped this one would help her have a better night's sleep, like the model SSV Geneva he had given her all those years ago had.

It was a shame, though, that this toy Ascension didn't have all those happy memories associated with it like the toy Geneva had. If only they could start making some new ones right now…

"I'd better go. Good night, commander." His thoughts were taking him to dangerous places. Leaving was the prudent thing to do.

Before he could get to the door, she stopped him with a hand on his elbow. It was the slightest touch, but it still disturbed his biotics and sent a shiver down his spine.

"Good night, Kaidan." Getting up on the tips of her toes, she kissed him on the cheek. Her hand ran down the length of his arm as she lowered herself, causing a rush of dark energy inside him.

And then she was gone, returning alone to that bed big enough for two. He wished he had held her to him, kept her from retreating. He wasn't going to break the Alliance fraternization regs, he just wanted one more instant with her, one more second of feeling her warmth, her skin, her biotics.

Walking away from her was getting harder each time, and this was just day one of their mission to hunt down Saren. As her favorite android would say, they were doomed.