Writer's block- noun- a usually temporary condition in which a writer finds it impossible to proceed with the writing of a novel, play, or other work. (Like Fanfiction…)

The above definition is your explanation for my long silence. Chapter 38 was written, 1st edits done, chapter 39 was almost done and WHAM! I realized there was a mistake in 38 that was keeping me from finishing 39 and keeping 39 from leading to chapter 40 which has been written for well over a year…

Sorry about that, but in addition to having to rewrite the chapter, I had to step away in order to fix it. Meaning there are now 4 chapters written in a 5 chapter short based on one of the "Read and Reviews POV".

To the Guest who PM'd me as I was finishing this chapter, I'm sorry I had you worried. It dawned on me I can respond by leaving my own Guest Review, so to everyone... if anything like this ever happens again, check the reviews. I have to approve Guest Reviews so if there is a note in there saying it is from Savanah Rose... it is. I won't approve someone else using my name (at least not in my story)!

Anyway, 39 is almost written and 40 just has touch ups, but... I'm about to go on vacation... off grid this time. So... it could be up to two weeks before you see the next chapter. I'll try to publish again before I leave, but chapter 39 isn't finished yet, so... no promises.

Thank you to Bahrfamily for doing a quick turn around on this chapter so I could get it out. If we've missed any mistakes, blame me. I'm the one who keeps making changes to this chapter.

Also, as a reminder, because it has come up in a couple of PM's recently: this story is canon to Four: A Divergent Collection also. In one of those PM's it was mentioned that they haven't read it. There are some events within the next ten chapters that are affected by that book, as well as a character from that book that I pulled into this chapter, just for fun, although she may be back…

Characters

Stacia - (pronounced STAY-sha)- Tami (Eli's sister) best friend before she left Dauntless. Eli was going to see if she would take the kitten.

Chapter 38 Moving Forward

"I'm Stacia, and this is my youngest daughter, Nichole." She holds out her hand for me to shake. She's tall and thin, with a halo of short brown curls around her head. She smiles easily and her green eyes sparkle with a hint of mischief.

"Hana." I take her extended hand. "Come in."

Nichole looks like she will be tall, like her mom, but her curls are a bright red and fall to her shoulders in looser ringlets, and instead of green eyes, hers are a sky blue. She looks to be a couple of years older than Ezekiel. "Hi." Her voice is small and clear for her age.

I kneel and extend my hand. "Hello, Nichole."

She grins, showing a dimple, and shakes my hand.

"I hear you have to get rid of your cat." Stacia doesn't even wait for my confirmation before she steps into the apartment. "Well, let's see it."

I lead the way to the family room where Dante is meowing pitifully from under his laundry basket cage. "Kitty!" Nichole runs forward and tries to lift the basket off him. She tries for no more than a minute before she realizes the hand weights on top of it keep her from lifting it. She puts her hands around the first one and starts to lift.

"No!" Stacia speaks firmly to her daughter. "The kitty has to stay in there for now."

Nichole's bottom lip juts out. "I wanna pet the kitty."

"You can pet him through the basket," I say gently. "He makes my son sick, so he has to stay in there."

Nichole lies down on her tummy, facing the makeshift cage. Her fingers reach to one of the openings. Dante sees them and immediately walks over to her and rubs his side against the basket. She pokes her fingers through a little further so she can pet him as he walks by. A happy sigh escapes from her lips, and Dante starts to purr.

I look over at Stacia, who is smiling at me. "It was Tami's daughter's, right?" Her voice is low.

I nod. "I hate to get rid of him, but…"

Stacia puts a hand on my arm. "I understand, but don't worry. We'll take good care of him."

A month later, Ezekiel hasn't had any more attacks. It appears that getting rid of the kitten and a thorough cleaning of the house have done the trick. I never imagined when I agreed to take Dante that a child could be that allergic to something so small and cute.

Marisa still sees him weekly. The first reason is to keep an eye on him and make sure that we are right that getting rid of Dante takes care of it, but the main reason is I'm still her link to Natalie. And there is a lot going on in Erudite these days…

I snuggle in close to Eli, my head resting on his shoulder. His breathing is regular so, I know he's close to falling asleep. I don't know if this is the best time or the worst time to bring up what has been in my heart lately. I take a long, slow breath, gathering my courage. If I don't ask him now, it may take a while before I am brave enough to bring the subject up again.

"Eli, I've been thinking more and more about having another baby."

He says nothing at first, but his breathing instantly changes, so I know he heard me. When he finally replies, his voice is soft. "And what have you been thinking?"

"I want to have another baby, and I don't want to wait too much longer."

Eli's arms tighten around me. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"I'm not."

I'm surprised. Eli has always been so excited with each of my pregnancies, and joked about keeping me pregnant at one point in time. "Why not?"

His chest rises and falls, and then he gently moves me so he can sit up against the headboard. I scoot up next to him. "I don't know if I go through all of that again."

I look at him, puzzled, feeling funny, wondering why I feel like there is more to his statement than I am understanding. I wonder what to ask him, and how to ask him. I'm spared having to form a question when he continues talking. "Hana, do you know how hard it was for me to watch you not be able to function?" His brown eyes are troubled as they look into mine. "Do you have any idea how guilty I feel?"

I sit up straighter and turn around so I am facing him. I'm not sure how to reassure him that if we did lose another baby, I wouldn't react the same way I did, so I start with what puzzles me. "What do you have to feel guilty about?"

Eli swallows hard. "Hana, I messed up so bad at the beginning of your pregnancy. Looking back I can't believe the way I treated…"

I put a finger on his lips to stop him. "We got off track. We messed up. It wasn't just you."

Eli leans forward and kisses my cheek. "That's generous of you, Hana, but you tried so many times to get me to talk to you, and…" His voice trails off. The silence stretches between us as I wait for him to finish. "I was too busy being mad, hurt, and self-important to let you back in. I wonder sometimes if the stress of that is why…" He stops, unable to finish.

My mouth falls open. I had no idea this had even crossed his mind in terms of Angel's death. It had never crossed mine; if I blame either of us, it is me. I still wonder sometimes if maybe, by helping George escape, I caused it, but I can't tell anyone that. "Eli, if that had…" It's still hard to put it in words, but for Eli to believe me that I'm ready to try again, I'm going to have to do it. "We would have lost her then, not months later."

Eli stays quiet, absorbing what I said. "Maybe. I'll think about it." I climb into his lap and wrap my arms around him, kissing him. He kisses me back, and pulls away just enough that he can speak. "Of course, we may need some extra practice."

I fit my lips back to his and after a few minutes I pull back and lean in to his ear, letting my lips graze it as I speak. "Practice sounds good to me."

The messages I take back and forth between Natalie and Marisa are disturbing. Jeanine's work on the new Aptitude test is continuing forward. There isn't any way to stop it. There doesn't seem to be any way to even slow it down. There is a very good chance, once Jeanine is finished with it, that it will be easier to find people who are Divergent than it is with the current version of the test.

Right now, Dauntless is the easiest place for Jeanine to find the Divergent.

The new Aptitude test may make it so that she can find the Divergent in every faction before the initiates even come to their new factions. That doesn't seem good to me.

"How's Dante?" Sophia and Jimmy are sitting on a bench outside of Tami's office when I leave the group grief support session.

I take a deep breath, wishing Tami was here for this discussion. "Dante is fine, but…" I kneel by Sophia.

"Jimmy! Sophia!" Tami's voice calls to her kids. I straighten up as the kids pop up from their seats. "Hana! Good to see you." She hugs me quickly. "What are you doing here… talking to the kids?" She amends her question quickly, realizing that she knows why I'm in Amity right now.

"Sophia asked how Dante is doing. Dante is fine, but I have some bad news." I kneel back down next to Sophia. "I couldn't keep Dante."

"Your dad wouldn't let you keep him, either?" Her eyes are troubled.

"I told you black cats are bad luck," Jimmy interjects.

I try not to smile, knowing that if I did live at home with my dad, I would be in Abnegation and there is no way I could have even taken Dante in that case. "Well, I don't live with my dad any more, and my husband was okay with Dante, but Dante makes my little boy sick," I explain gently.

"He didn't mean to! He's a good cat," Sophia erupts, defending him.

"I know he is, and it's not anything that Dante can help. I didn't know when I took him that Ezekiel is allergic to cats. Dante made him have problems breathing."

"See, that dumb cat made her son sick. He ought to be…"

I cut Jimmy off. "I didn't know it would make him sick, either. I found Dante a new home. I couldn't give him to anyone in my family, or any friends that we visit."

Sophia nods and I glance at Tami, hoping she'll help me with this. "So who did you give him to?" Tami prompts with an encouraging smile.

"My sister-in-law's best friend, Stacia." Tami smiles and nods. She knows Dante is in good hands, and although she can't tell Sophia how she knows, I'm sure she'll do her best to make sure Sophia is okay with where he is. "She has two little girls; one of them is about your age, and the other one is a couple of years older than my son."

"It sounds like a good home for Dante," Tami quickly interjects, starting the approval process.

"It is. You should have seen her youngest daughter when they came and picked him up. She's about three years old," I hold my hand up to Nichole's height, "and she insisted on carrying him out of the apartment herself. He's going to be well loved."

"And he gets to keep his name?"

"Absolutely! Staica and Nichole thought you were right, that a black cat is a Dauntless cat and should be named Dante."

Sophia smiles Abram's smile at me and throws her arms around my neck. "I'm sorry he made your son sick, but thank you for finding him a good home."

Something has exploded in Ezekiel's room. His crib is missing and there are pieces of black metal tubing and other small parts spread out all over the floor. I'm not sure if Eli is responsible for this, or if Ezekiel, who is currently hanging on to a long black pipe and dragging it behind him, is responsible.

"Mommy!" Ezekiel drops the pipe and runs to me.

I bend down and pick him up, kissing his cheek as I do. "Are you helping Daddy?"

Ezekiel's head bobs up and down and he grins at me. "Bed." He continues jabbering unintelligently after that.

I look around the room and finally realize that the chaos does look like it just might create the small bed we bought for Ezekiel when I was pregnant…if everything is still there and put together correctly. "Are you and Daddy putting together a big boy bed for you?"

Ezekiel's head starts bobbing again.

Eli pauses in what he is doing at this point in time. "I'm working on putting the bed together. Someone else is moving all the pieces so I can't find them."

I laugh. "How about if you come with Mommy for a while?" I ask my son.

Ezekiel shakes his head and points at the chaos. "Daddy."

I decide to help Eli out if I can. "Okay, but I was going to go by the Chasm."

Eli looks for Eli and all the interesting things strewn around the room, looks to me, and looks back again. He's torn. Suddenly he squirms from my arms and runs to Eli. He hugs Eli. "Bye Daddy."

"Thank you," Eli mouths to me as I leave.

Nick is in the family room with Eli when Ezekiel and I get home.

"Reinforcements?" I ask with a chuckle as Ezekiel suddenly seems to remember there was something interesting in his room and runs toward his room.

Eli gives me a weary look. "I had it under control, but Nick happened to stop by so… I let him help."

"Mommy! Daddy! Unca Nick!" Ezekiel's excited voice carries all the way to the family room.

"Think he's upset his new toys are gone?" Eli asks a little worriedly as he gets out of the chair.

He's not upset. He climbs up on his bed and stands there looking very proud. "Bed!"

"Yes, Zeke, you have a bed," Nick says, chuckling at him.

Ezekiel gets a very mischievous look on his face. "Oh, no!" I groan.

"What?" Eli asks just as Ezekiel starts jumping up and down. It's not that big, and fortunately, not too far off the ground, because after three or four jumps he runs out of mattress and lands on the ground. I manage to keep from running and checking on him…just like a good Dauntless mom.

It only takes Ezekiel a minute to stand himself up, climb back on it, and start jumping again.

"It's okay, Stiff." Eli comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me in a hug. "All Dauntless kids jump on their beds."

"Your mom used to get so mad at us," Nick reminisces.

I check the time on the computer screen for the third time. Why is Carly still sitting at her station? She was supposed to be off half an hour ago. I look over at Miles, who is also watching Carly. He catches me looking at him and shrugs. Apparently he doesn't know why she's still here either. I log off my computer. I'm leaving a little early today since I came in early to help out. I hesitate for a moment; then I head over to Carly's desk and put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?" I ask softly.

She looks up at me, startled. "Of course. Why would you ask that?"

I try not to laugh at her. "Because your shift ended thirty minutes ago and you're still here."

Carly starts and looks at the time on her monitor. "My mind has been somewhere else."

"You want to get some cake and talk about it?" This late at night- or early in the morning- there may not be any left, but then again, there might.

"I need to talk to someone, but…" Carly looks at me through narrowed eyes. "Can you keep a secret, for just a couple of months from everyone, maybe even Eli?"

What is it with people asking me if I can keep a secret? I probably keep more secrets than anyone else in this faction! Many of them I keep from Eli. "I can. I'd rather not have to keep it from Eli…"

"If Eli can keep the secret, too, it's okay for you to tell him, but… I just don't want this getting out yet."

I think of the secret Eli is forced to keep because of me. I don't want to keep putting him in this position, but surely Carly's secret isn't nearly as… problematic as me working for Natalie. "If I tell him, I'll make sure he knows not to share it with anyone."

Carly finishes logging off her computer. "Let's go see if there is cake."

We walk quietly to the cafeteria. Carly is the one about to share a secret. I decide to let her start the conversation. When we walk into the cafeteria, it is empty, and a glance at the counter where they keep the cake explains why. It is all gone. "Want some milk?" I ask. It looks like there is still milk left.

Carly gives a small smile. "That's probably better for me than cake."

"I'm sure it's better for both of us," I laugh as I pour us each a glass. "It just doesn't taste as good."

We take our glasses and Carly sits at the closest table. She takes a drink and stares at her glass for a couple of minutes like it holds the answer to the meaning of life. "Hana, have you ever given up on something happening? Something you thought that, no matter how much you wanted it, it would never happen?" She finally looks up at me.

I remember a time when Eli and I were dating, when I thought that, because of Jude, we were just going to date forever. "Yes."

"Did you get it?"

I play with the almost black wedding ring on my finger and smile. "I did."

"Then you can relate. Hana, after Gus was born, we tried to have another baby. We tried for years. The doctors told us there was no reason we couldn't, we just never did." She raises her eyes to me when she speaks, her voice full of wonder. "I'm pregnant. After all these years, I had given up on it ever happening, but I'm pregnant."

"Why are you on the couch?" I wake Eli up with a kiss.

He sits up and pulls me down on his lap. "Someone fell out of bed."

"He'll get used to it," I assure Eli and stand up yawning. "Come on. Let's go to bed."

We stop by Ezekiel's room and peek in on the way to our room. "I can see how he fell out," I remark dryly, walking over to give our son, who is lying sideways on the bed with one arm hanging off one side and both feet hanging off the other, a kiss goodnight. "It will be a miracle if he doesn't fall out again."

Eli's arm wraps around my waist as we leave his room. "Speaking of miracles... I've been thinking about them a lot lately. And you're right. We have an empty crib now, and I don't want the kids too far apart. I was always closer to Nick than Tami, and part of it may have been that we are both boys, but Leeann and Tami were never that close…" He plays with his lip ring. "I mean, I'm sure not all of it was the age difference, but even before everything happened, they didn't get along as well as Nick and I did, and…"

"Are you saying what I think you are saying?" I hold my breath waiting for his answer.

"That I'm ready to try to make Zeke a big brother?" Eli gives me the Pedrad grin.

"Yes."

"I am." There's a trace of fear in Eli's eyes, but he continues before kissing me, "Do you want to help me fill up the crib again?"