Light within Darkness

by Hanashi o suru

"For every step forward I'm able to take...I feel as though I go back ten when something goes wrong." The young male shuddered, the tears were now falling relentlessly... "I want to move forward! I want to go back to the people I care about...but how could they ever want me with them after what I've been through?" (Co-written with XavierForest [NC-17])

37. Chapter 37

Hana: New chapter is new~

Allen: So we see?

Raku: You gonna stall, or you gonna let 'em read this thing?

Hana: Now, now, they totally can skip over this whole skit of ours. So it doesn't really matter if we're stalling or not. Which, we're not. I just like talking to everyone here. -shrugs-

Kanda: Che. Neither author owns D. Gray-man. Sure as hell wouldn't be writing this shit if they did.

Hana: Rude. Well, enjoy the new chapter, everyone!

... ... ... ...

+ - Chapter 37 - +

Kanda was...for the lack of a better term, aggravated at the woman who was all but throwing herself at him in a desperate plea to help her out. "No."

"Please, he's my husband! And above all your boss, right? You should do what's right, shouldn't you?"

"Lady, I don't have to do squat for that egotistical trash bag of shit." Kanda hissed out. "You should accept he might as well be dead if Apocryphos got involved with his...abduction." Not to mention, that dick wanted to somehow wipe all those not in his perfect world's image clear out of existence...how the fuck did he get past the psychological exams? And why was he only wondering that now of all times? God dammit.

"I have a ransom note! Please!"

Gods, he would never understand women...but at least Kanda knew for sure what that other asshole was trying to do. Use Rouvelier to lure him out, and then use him to lure Moyashi out. Like hell he'd give that sick sonnova bitch a chance at that. Not on his terms. If anything, they would be on Kanda's terms, and preferably, Kanda's own turf where he would have the home team advantage.

"Please! You have to! Save him!" She begged, gripping and pulling on Kanda's sleeve when he scowled and tried to move around her.

Kanda gritted his teeth and yanked his arm away from the frantic woman. There was no way he'd help. Even if Rouvelier was going to be killed. That fucker had worked with the man who'd taken Kanda's lover and who had killed countless people since his untimely release from prison.

"Tell me something." Kanda darkly began to implore, "Do you really know your husband like you think you do?"

The wife of the director blinked, her grip on the Japanese male's jacket sleeve loosening, "Huh? Whatever could you mean by that?"

Kanda shook his head and snorted. How could this woman be so oblivious? "That man is a homophobic asshole who collaborated with a known murderer." He looked the stupid woman in the eye to make sure she understood the weight of his words. "And that murderer is the one who took your dumbass husband."

Besides, even if Kanda wanted to — which he didn't — he doubted he's be able to find Rouvelier in time. Kanda had assembled a whole team of people to find Allen and yet they'd been at this for months. Allen was only alive because Apocryphos didn't want him dead.

"Now, if you excuse me, my kids are waiting for me at home." He had only stepped out of the office building when the woman had come almost out of nowhere in order to confront him. The FBI agent had zero patience by that point, and the string that was fraying at best had become close to snapping.

To be perfectly fucking honest, Kanda was questioning even paying for Mikk's bail at this point.

"How could you care so little of one man?"

"I already told you why." Kanda impatiently hissed, "He's a homophobic piece of shit with no regards to those around him. He's the main reason my fiancé is currently MIA, and I'll be damned if the source ever fucking comes out of this shithole we're in unscathed."

"Please," she whispered again, her hands trembling. She needed his help. He had to find her husband.

Kanda coldly looked away and pulled his car keys out of his pocket. "I don't care what happens to him. Now leave me alone."

Why the hell was this woman so blind to what was going on around her? How did that man even treat his own wife? Surely not the same as he apparently treated those who worked under him. That's what he was pretty sure most would believe, but on the other hand, such a thought didn't seem to fit. He wouldn't be surprised if that guy would throw this person under the bus if things came down to it.

He left with the woman crying, and calling him names that made most of Allen's seem more mature, if that were a thing.

(* - *)

"Jeez, Mrs. Rouvelier is rather desperate...I almost feel bad for her." Robin said, as she scratched the back of her head.

Link nodded, though he wasn't sure who really deserved the pity. Kanda for having to deal with the woman, or the woman who didn't know anything. "I know I've seen her around the building in recent days, but I doubted she was going to do anything...perhaps she had gotten desperate."

Robin hummed and nodded. "Good thing the tears don't work on Kanda."

"Tears do work," Link said with a glance at his co-worker, "but only if they're from the right people. Like Allen. Or the children."

"Touché." Robin muttered. "Let's get back to work before she decides to have us help her out."

"I'm doubtful she'd ask of you, but I know I would be next on her list."

"Then you should run," Robin remarked, and then hurried back into the building to avoid the teary-eyed woman who'd spotted them.

Link bit back a curse and quickly followed the white-haired young lady. He had enough on his plate and didn't want to deal with Mrs. Rouvelier on top of everything else.

. . - * - . .

"You know, I believe you do what you do just for the sole purpose of making our jobs harder." Wisely deduced, eying the people currently on his porch.

Tyki grinned, shrugging his shoulders. "And look, I still managed to find who we were looking for, and extra."

"Extra he says.." Raku muttered. "The fuck are we?"

"Let's just call it my previous home, and leave it at that." Allen sighed. "To think, I'd end up here again...again."

Wisely looked to Tyki with a pointed stare, "You're aware that two others live here."

"Oh? They're still here? Well, at least the Boy won't be bored."

Allen groaned. "Can we go somewhere else? Anywhere else?"

"I made sure no one was following us the whole trip here." Tyki said. "If you want a safe place, where else than here? No one would really expect it. Kanda didn't expect it before, now did he?"

Allen really hated it when Tyki of all people made sense. On the other hand, if it were the twins that made sense, then he would be very concerned.

Allen eyed the house with distaste before sighing and adjusting the strap of his bag. "Fine," huffed. reluctantly moving past Wisely and into the house. He wasn't even inside for ten seconds and the twins spotted him.

"It's Allen!" Devit cried, and scrambled over the couch with a grin.

Jasdero giggled and followed his brother's poor example by climbing the couch and making his way over to Allen. "Allen~ Hee Hee!"

"God dammit, I just cleaned that couch you're dirtying!" Wisely scolded the twins.

"Don't care!" Devit grinned. "Where were ya this whole time Allen?"

"Yeah! Where!" Jasdero echoed.

Raku stood back from the reunion, watching with narrowed eyes and distaste. The NOAH twins were complete idiots.

"Here and there," Allen said with a shrug. He didn't exactly want to get into the nitty gritty details of the past several months. They weren't the best days of his life and he'd prefer to forget all about them if possible. Not that he could forget. Most of it was etched into his brain and body.

"Might I have a word, Kitchen Knife Sr.?" Tyki was already heading into the kitchen. Sighing to himself, Raku reluctantly followed. "I did bring him here because of those two idiots." The Portuguese male said, leaning comfortably against the counter.

"And what would those two idiots with only half a brain be useful for?"

"You said so yourself on the trip here. You're trying to get the boy to not shy away from touch after what happened."

"Oh hell no."

"Devit and Jasdero and harmless for the most part. But they are those people who like to ignore the warning signs...that or they really don't recognize them." Both took a quick glance into the living room, where Jasdero was already cackling and giving Allen a noogie. The youngest in the blonde-haired twin's grasp was scolding him, though neither twin seemed like they were going to stop their antics. "I suppose now you want to know how I managed to find your exact location?"

Their attention back on each other, Raku solemnly nodded.

"I was working undercover, where I found a few files Apocryphos hadn't seen. I suppose he was a little busy, but let's spare ourselves any details we wish to not think about."

Raku's expression hardened, his eyes darkening and his lips thinning as he pressed them together in a line. It was good that they'd got out when they did.

He returned his gaze to the boy he was supposed to be protecting, and he noticed the other white-haired young man staring worriedly at his son's ex-fiancé. As if knowing he was being watched, the young man turned to look at Raku.

"Wisely and Allen are kind of close," Tyki said when neither Raku nor Wisely looked away. "I should probably tell you that Wisely has an implant that lets him read thoughts. If you want to hide anything, try your best not to think when he's around."

"An implant?" Raku turned his attention back to the other man in the room, "How exactly does that work?"

Tyki only shrugged. "I'm afraid the whole tech talk isn't exactly my forte."

Raku felt Wisely's stare become a glare, and when their gazes met, Raku knew they wouldn't get along. "He doesn't like me."

"You are the one who took Allen in the first place. I'd imagine he hates your guts," Tyki said, his tone nonchalant as he took his dwindling pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and moved towards the door. He couldn't smoke inside of he'd get yelled at again. "I'm far from being his favorite person in the world myself."

"You were both NOAH."

"I did some unmentionable stuff in the past." Tyki admitted, "I'm going to have a smoke. I think our resident mind reader might want a word or four with you."

When Tyki left, Wisely chose to finally come closer. He hadn't missed anything. As soon as Wisely had opened the front door and Allen looked into his eyes, for a few shorts seconds, Wisely had felt fear and dread, and had seen a scene inside of that mind that made him want to vomit up his last meal. Even now he could hear Allen's uneasy thoughts as the twins messed with him.

"So, you're Raku Kanda." Wisely monotonously dictated. "I would say it's a pleasure, but given the circumstances..."

"You don't need to say anything, I get the gist of what it'll be anyway." Raku muttered. "Chances are, I've heard it all before."

Wisely's eyes narrowed and turned cold. "I suppose you would have." He really wanted to throat-punch the man, but he had to act rationally. He might not be able to land a hit on Raku anyway. Besides, he didn't know if violence was one of Allen's newly-acquired triggers.

"Compared to when he started out, he would've otherwise lashed out when someone so much as tapped him on the shoulder." Raku said, glancing at Allen. The twins were still tormenting the poor kid, but neither were relenting on their teasing.

"They're idiots." Wisely said.

"So I've noticed."

"Those two have always been like that." Wisely focused on breathing calmly and keeping the hostility out of his tone. His only solace was the knowledge that this man would be close to dead if his son were here.

"You don't have to try being civil. I know it's killing you to do that."

"I'm doing it for his sake." Wisely hissed. "If not for you, he and Yu Kanda would've been together and—" He quickly cut himself off, he doubted telling Raku about Lala and Timothy would bode well for him.

"And?"

"And Timcanpy, his Rottweiler." He quickly amended.

Raku thought over that and nodded approvingly. "Yu always did like dogs. He'd be pleased to have one now."

How was it this man before him could talk as though nothing was wrong with him? Wisely found himself wondering.

Did he not know he was crazy? Or did he know and had lived with it for so long that dealing with it was easy?

Either way, it unnerved him. "So...tell me, Raku Kanda. What have you been up to in recent events?"

Black eyes hardened, and for a brief moment Wisely could've sworn he saw something he shouldn't have. He took a half step back, the sheer malevolence within that moment catching him by surprise. It was gone as quickly as it had come.

The event didn't go unnoticed by the trio in the other room. Twin sets of NOAH gold eyes and frightened silver were immediately on the duo in the kitchen.

Allen quickly came over to dismantle anything before it really had the chance to start, gently grabbing his friend by the arm and offering up a shaky smile. "We haven't had the chance to catch up yet."

Wisely didn't smile back. "Then let's go somewhere quieter." And away from Raku.

"Y-Yeah..."

"We'll go to your old room." Wisely decided. He allowed Allen to lead the way, but didn't follow without sending a warning glare towards Raku.

Once the duo left, Raku sighed. "God fucking dammit."

(* - *)

"Well, it's been a while." Wisely said, leaning against the wall where Cross once shot. "I won't ask how you've been, that would be rather moot."

"Yeah..." Allen looked at the room's only window and rubbed the back of his neck. "What about you? What's been happening since I... left?"

"Everyone has been searching for you for months now."

"Th-they have been?" A small hint of hope had sparked in the silver eyes.

"Still are." The ex-NOAH said. A part of him truly wanted to see Allen's reaction when he finally got wind that he was the father of those two kids...but that was meant to be a surprise for when he would finally return home with Yu Kanda. Not that he wouldn't see to getting the younger to think for himself of going sooner rather than later. "But now that you're here, I do need to ask. Do you plan on going back sooner?"

"Huh? Back...?"

"Back home," Wisely clarified. "To that pervert and your dog."

"OH! Poor Tim, he must be worried sick!" That reaction was actually quite comical to the mind-reading male. "What's so funny?"

"You worry more of Timcanpy than your fiancé?"

"He's a good boy. A big puppy, really."

"Tim or Kanda?"

"Which Kanda?"

"To think, you can already come up with snarky remarks..." Wisely said with an amused grin. "I'm already feeling like a proud parent, somehow."

"Thanks, Dad." Allen too managed to crack a grin. Wisely was the kind of person who was fun and made him feel relaxed. "And both Tim and Yu are dogs. Just different kinds."

Wisely laughed and shook his head, his heart warmed by the quick thought that had just passed through his friend's head. "His mind is still full of you. There's less disgusting stuff in there than there used to be." His smile faded. "He really wants you back."

"...but I can't...go back..." The younger meekly said, "I'm too damaged to really be able to be with him..."

"It sounds like you've given up."

"Given...? Of course I haven't given up!" Allen was appalled to have been referred to as a quitter. He was anything but!

"If you haven't, then why aren't you being that stubborn brat I know, and fight tooth and nail to get back?" Wisely half scolded. "The fact Mikk of all people managed to even find you, and bring you here, that's a miracle in its own right, and by the way, Kanda is quite pissed off at him."

"When isn't he pissed with anyone?"

"True. Now give me an answer for the first part of my question."

"I'm trying to get better," Allen answered, his tone of voice defensive. "Raku and I have been working to get me used to physical contact again."

"You nearly took out his arm, it looks like."

"...that was an accident." Sort of.

"Sort of?" Wisely asked, his grin quickly returning. "Well, I understand. I want to maim him a little too."

"I've missed this..." Allen shyly admitted. "Being with people I know. It's nice."

"You haven't been around any one of us in months. It sounds to me that your desire to be with loved ones is rather strong after what you've been through. Espeically when you need them most."

"I know." Allen's gaze returned to the window, and he shrugged. "It's just... I'm not... ready... to meet everyone yet."

"You seem okay enough with me. And even the twins to an extent." Wisely pointed out. "Are you sure it's you who's not ready, or are you just afraid to try?"

Allen's expression turned pained. "That's not... I... I don't want Yu to try something... What if I hit him? What if I vomit? What if he sees me break down?" His heavy heart throbbed. "What if everyone sees me break down?"

"I was under the impression that Kanda had seen you at your worse before." Wisely said with the quirk of his brow, "Or is this far more worse than that incident?"

"Worse." Allen meekly admitted.

Yes, Allen had slipped up before by reverting into the doll-like emotionless state that helped him through killing, or the crying child afraid of the Millennium Earl's wrath. Yu had worked with him and helped to make him better. Logically, Allen knew that Yu could help him again. He knew Yu would happily lend a hand. However, showing Yu this side of him was... Well... Allen didn't want to see the pain in Yu's eyes. Or the pity. He didn't want to wake up screaming again and have to make Yu calm him down.

Yu had a job. He needed to focus on that and his happiness instead of Allen and his problems.

"Your pity party needs to stop." Wisely almost growled out. "Honestly, do you not know that man at all?"

"I do know him." Allen knew the man well enough to know that Kanda would drop everything for him. He didn't want that, but at the same time he kinda did. And that made him feel guilty.

"You literally have no reason to feel guilty about what you're feeling."

"Stop reading my thoughts like that."

"You know perfectly well I cannot control it. So deal with it."

"Mm." Allen scratched his forehead and dropped his gaze. "It's just... he has a life. I don't want that put on hold for me."

"I can't believe how cheesy I'm about to sound." Wisely grumbled, "Allen Walker, you are his life. You're the only thing on his mind day in and day out. Trust me, I would know. Do you think he'd just put that on hold? Hell no. Yu Kanda never gave up hope that he would find you again. There were instances he came close, dammit. He came so close, apparently just missing you."

"We...w-we just missed each other...? When?"

"Link said it was at the home your fiancé and his fathers used to live in."

"What?" If felt like ages since Allen had been to that place with the popcorn ceiling and miso soup. "You mean... Was he really that close?"

"Yes, god dammit." The mind-reader said in an exasperated tone. "I heard he even sniffed the sheets you were sleeping on."

Allen's face became all sorts of shades of red. "Th-that pervert!"

Embarrassment flooded through him, but the worst part was that, if anything, that weird fact of information made him feel a little bit hot. Still, after all these months, it was good to know that Yu hadn't changed.

"Don't get aroused now." Wisely found himself whining.

"H-huh? I-I'm not!"

Wisely gave a short bark of laughter and shook his head. "You call him a pervert, but you're just as bad." He enjoyed the indignant expression that statement got him. What would be even more interesting though was what came next. "I have seen what he's done to you through both of your thoughts. If you agreed to marry him even after all that, you're just as lewd as he is."

Allen's cheeks burned, and he hoped he'd combust from the heat. Like, right then and there so he wouldn't have to listen to this.

"Besides," Wisely mumbled, turning away and scratching his cheek, "I remember your head being filled with a lot of weird fantasies back then. You should be happy that you found someone so readily able to satisfy all your... kinks and fetishes."

"Now hold on," Allen said in protest, wanting to salvage at least some of his ruined reputation. There was no way he was going to let Wisely keep thinking that he was as inherently immoral as Yu. "I wouldn't have become like this if he hadn't corrupted me in the first place! And I only did most of that stuff for him because he likes it!"

"You like it too."

"Tha-! That's b-becau-" Allen spluttered, only to be interrupted by his friend, who groaned and dragged a hand down his grimacing face.

Wisely recalled even reason that stupid couple had given for their tardiness and every post-birthday memory that made him want to drown in bleach. "So you don't like elevator sex and roleplaying?" He let his hand fall to his side and stared at Allen with eyebrows raised. "Allen, I know you both. He's a pervert. You're a pervert. End of discussion."

"I'm not a pervert!" He could deny it, but even his resolution was beginning to weaken.

"And I'm pretty sure Yu Kanda has about a dozen home videos that prove otherwise," Wisely countered almost immediately.

It was then that Allen remembered the videos. The sex tapes. The kinky-sexy-DVDs that showed him being fucked every different way on every surface of their apartment. "Shit." Wisely's claim was difficult to deny with those things in the picture. Those stupid videos he had yet to watch, but Yu... had complete access to. Damn, what if Yu had watched them while he was away?

"He has. All of them. Over and over," Wisely said, him being the poor schmuck who'd wanted to claw at his head in an attempt to get those images out.

"Oh my god." Allen groaned, sinking to floor, wishing it would just swallow him whole. "Why me? Why the hell me?"

"Because you're the unlucky kid with the rottenest luck in the world." Wisely easily answered. "Even now, I can see it in your thoughts. Your desire, your fears, your uncertainties. Though your longing to be with him is rather strong ."

"Please stop it."

"You know, I think the issue is, you do desire desperately to return to your kinky fiancé's side. You miss the touch, torture, and ecstasy he brought into your world, am I incorrect?"

He so very much wanted to deny it. Wanted to lie and say Wisely was crazy for believing such things. But with the cold hard truth already on the table, there wasn't anything he could deny, nor was there anything he could do to salvage what little dignity — if any — that he had left. Why did it feel like he was in one of Wisely's mind games?

...because he was. Allen glowered in pout. "What game are you playing?"

"I'm not playing anything." The golden-eyed male said with a knowing smirk, "I'm only stating what's true. After all, lying isn't exactly my policy, now is it?"

Again, Allen wanted to argue, but as he thought back on it, Wisely never actually lied to him. The man was just a manipulative asshole.

"That's a rude way to think of me."

"Then ignore my thoughts or whatever!"

The other only snorted in response. "But then I would miss out on the interesting chaos in your mind right now."

"Stop it!" Allen cried, clutching his head and trying to clear his mind. "Stop looking!"

"I'm not saying you only like the lewd stuff. I know you like TV nights and dates too, but I also know, although I hated learning this, that you're a big fan of anything that guy wants to try. Crossdressing. Doing it in public. Doing it in the car. You even got over your fear of being whipped. And the number of times you've been tied up... Jesus." Wisely hoped that this reminder would make him more open to the idea of returning. Happiness was waiting for Allen in the form of a pervert and two kids.

On the floor, Allen looked at his wrists and rubbed them against his trousers. He wasn't keen on being tied up anymore. Although they were faint, he could still see the scars on his right wrist.

"Okay, so maybe no bondage," Wisely said, and crouched down to gently stop his friend, "but there's tons of other stuff to do. I bet you're missing his cooking."

Allen... did miss the feasts his ex could whip up. He missed how great he felt waking up in the morning to see Yu's sleeping face. He missed trying to sneak out of bed and having his plan's foiled when the strong arm of his grouchy, half-asleep partner would catch him and secured him to Yu's body. Hell, he even missed that one time Yu had been having a dirty dream, pressed his hard rod against Allen's butt, had moaned really sexily into Allen's ear, and then teased Allen the next morning for how drenched his boxers were.

However, there was a big problem with going back. "I don't want him to touch me." Allen's expression crumpled, and his eyes filled with distress. "I mean, I do, but I really don't." He liked the dirty stuff, but he couldn't do that right now. Maybe he could handle a kiss here and there, and some light groping if he tried hard enough... What if Yu wanted more? If he wanted what Allen wasn't ready to give?

"Then he'll have to deal with it." Wisely held Allen's right hand and offered up an encouraging smile. "Which he will do because he loves you."

"...are you sure?"

"Very."

Allen was aware that Yu was patient when he had to be. Part of him knew that his ex would wait. Sure, Yu had pressured him into stuff before, but that was because Allen had stubbornly resisted stepping into the embarrassing world of adult matters and needed a bit of a push. Whenever Allen was hurt or panicking during one of their sessions beneath the sheets, Yu would back off and make sure he was alright first. So yes, he could see the man waiting for him.

"I feel that if you want to fully heal, going back to him would be your best shot."

Allen looked at the other male, before nodding. "I...I guess you would be right...b-but I'm not ready!"

"I never said you had to do it now. Just sooner rather than later."

... ... ... ...

What a familiar place to end up... (Owo)/

As much as I might need it, R&R doesn't stand for Rest and Relaxation, guys! Leave a review and let us know how we're doing! Show this work some love by favoriting, and if you wanna stay up to date with new chapters, then ticking the follow option is your best friend~! Be sure to check out my Co-author's works if you haven't already, and until next time, we'll see you again on...

Light within Darkness!