Erik's diary
28th February, 1882
After some reasoning and debating the issue over and over with Juti, I finally agreed to celebrate my Birthday on the 28th, so today. She is right in a way- in order to be able to live my life easier in the future, I have to let go of the past, and my negative feelings about it. The first step will be accepting my own Birthday as a positive thing, and accept others to celebrate it. Maybe, for once in my life, this day won't bring me painful memories. We will try to have my 50th… oh my God, dear God, I am already 50… so my 50th Birthday in peace and harmony. I have every hope to accomplish this goal, and finally, for once in my life, to have a Birthday like everyone else.
Thankfully every plan had worked out just as I imagined, and the day will just go as I expected, hopefully. She will be much surprised, I daresay, about my wishes. I bet she can't stay on her rear though, and worked on something else for me, as I caught her leaving the house as well. It happened sometimes that we arrived home at the same time, only difference was she was heading to the lake from the Rue Scribe side. She was carrying a box, and though I asked her clearly not to buy me anything, she sure did. Oh, this little silly. She simply can't imagine someone does not want to receive a gift. Yet I am sure I will be happy for anything she picked out for me, as I know she chose it with love, and whatever it is, I will prize it. If it is the ugliest possible cravat or shirt I have ever seen in my life, I am still going to wear it with pride. Seeing that box also put a strange, never felt sensation in me. I am… inquisitive. I WANT to know what it is. I had thought of peeking at it… maybe she keeps it under the bed, or in the dresser? Where could she hide it from me? But… she sure does not want me to see it earlier than my Birthday. I started to be just as curious as a naughty six- year old boy. But I don't want to be a bad boy. This time Erik will behave. Now, I guess I only have to wait for a few more hours to find it out. The box wasn't too big. And it is a bit of flat… what is it…? What is it?
I bet she will be surprised I am all done with dressing up for the day by the time she will come to wake me up, I am already awake for two hours! And I have to admit I look somewhat normal today. I did not dare to check my appearance in the mirror, but I daresay I look better than usual. Celebrating is about showing one's pride off, as I learned. Everything needs to be perfect, so if someone has the misfortune to celebrate the day of my birth, I have to look as perfect as I can, to give them, and myself respect. Yes, I have to learn how to respect myself. I don't really do, mostly, though I can be really vain, especially about my music… I am wearing my finest suit I did not yet wear before, actually I just… had it all done by yesterday. I am unusually delighted with how it turned out, the tailor really did a great job with it.It did cost a fortune, for sure, but… this was my Birthday gift for myself. It looks better on me than the ones I already owned, they were a bit too loose right now. Maybe I was going to gain some weight, but honestly, I do not have the urge to look like a rake dressed in a tailcoat if I can chose not to, on this special day. Maybe she will prefer it this way as well. Also, she will most likely like the fact this suit is not black or dark gray as my usual style is. It is white. White with golden buttons and embroidery all over the sleeves and edges. Same with the waistcoat. Yes, white tailcoat, with white waistcoat and pants, I did not ever think I will wear such a pure light colored outfit in my life. It certainly does not match with my soul, but I wish to be as pure white from now on…
When she stepped into my room to wake me up, she got really surprised. I chuckled, seeing she was surprised about she did not have to shake me for long minutes to make me open my eyes. She ran to me happily, praised my elegance and kissed me… oh how great it feels if she kisses me… And she was also so very beautiful… She was dressed much more elegantly as well than usual, she was just as beautiful as at the time we visited the Opera together. I could not help but smile at her, but I bet it looked like a shy teen's mindless grinning. I put my hand on her face. Her skin was so soft and warm and I could not help but give her a most heartfelt kiss on the lips. It is so strange how I am not ashamed to kiss her like that, with these horrid lips of mine… I don't care… as she isn't repulsed by them. Finally… someone wants to kiss me. Before I did not even dare to dream about a kiss on my forehead, and nowadays I am allowed to repeatedly kiss a beautiful girl on the lips without screams and gasps of horror… without shudders of the loved ones…
So, after we kissed, she wished me a Happy Birthday. This was the first time in my life I heard this sentence told directly to me. No one wished me a Happy Birthday yet, and no one knew when it was. Not even Christine, or the Daroga. For 25 years I have known Mohammed- Ismael, and yet he never knew which day I was born on. And I thought no one cared. Juti was the first person in my life to actually ask me about it. "Happy Birthday Erik, I love you." She said. This was, I think, the most beautiful sentence I've ever heard in my life so far. I… I just… could not take so much kindness at once. I started crying yet again, as I always do when someone is too kind to me, and Juti stroke my hair to calm me. Oh how sweet she is…
After I finally calmed down enough, Juti was waiting patiently for my wishes during the day, and announced me she had some surprises still, though I asked her not to make a big deal out of this day.
- And what those surprises may be? – I asked.
- Follow me. – She grinned, and led me out to the living room. – Wait here and come to the dining room when I call you. – She said and excitedly ran out of the room.
In a few minutes, she called out to me, so I just followed her and saw what she was up to. She beautifully set the table with my mother's most prized silverware and plates, she used the dinner set she saw me using only on Christmas and her Birthday before. She ironed and put on my most elegant tablecloth and placed the silver candleholder in the middle. I received a full breakfast with toast and eggs, jam, butter and everything, even coffee. Well, she really wants me to gain some weight, it seems… But the surprise did not just end with the festal table setting and breakfast she made. She sat down to the piano by the time I arrived and started playing… one of my earlier sonatas for piano. I did not know how and where she found it and when did she have time to practice, but she played beautifully and with so much emotions… it was technically and emotionally perfect… all perfect! I could hear my own music while eating. It was the first time I heard my music played by someone else, and it was a magical feeling. Finally I felt I did not only write for the drawers and myself… And she was smiling while her delicate little fingers made my music come to life… she liked what we heard… and so did I. The breakfast was also marvelous, I don't know why she stated many times she could not cook. It felt good to have breakfast now, even though I usually did not eat so much in the morning.
As the sonata ended, she stood up and bowed towards me, with a smile, and I could not stop clapping. As she saw my endless applause about her playing, she got so happy she cheerfully jumped and danced around in enjoyment, knowing her playing met my taste.
- It is the biggest achievement a musician could ever make: receiving plaudits from the composer himself! – She exclaimed.
I praised her endlessly about her skills and talent, and she blushed. Blushing fit her so well… she looked so beautiful. I kissed her nose and stroked her soft hair. I wanted to wash the dishes, as she usually does them, but I wanted to save her from it that day, but she convinced me I was not allowed to do it exactly because it was my Birthday. According to her, the celebrated one should do nothing that day, only enjoying themselves. She really started spoiling me!
- And now, my sweet Erik, what would you like to do? – She appeared in front of me after she cleaned up.
- Have you eaten? – I asked.
- I beg your pardon? – She asked.
- I asked if you had eaten today. I was the only one having breakfast, you played while that.
- Oh, I ate before that. – She smiled. – But it is not important.
- It is. – I stated seriously. – YOU are important. You and your well being. It is a gift for me that you are all right and well – fed.
She laughed out shily, and patted my shoulder.
- Don't worry, I am fine and am here to stay.
- You don't know how much it means to me. – I said. – The world.
We looked each other in the eye, smiling, and after I worded my first wish for the day. Or, to be clear, at first I stood up and searched for the sheet music in my drawer for a few minutes, before handing her one of my masterpieces. It was an aria based on Edgar Allan Poe's Annabel Lee. It was seen by no one but me. But this time, I handed her the score and asked:
- Sing this, please.
She took it with a nod, and opened the manuscript, doing a quick sight- reading for a few minutes.
- I am not sure I can do a perfect job, but I will do my best. – She stated with caution. – It contains higher notes than I am comfortable with.
- Time to leave your comfort zone, my dear. – I chuckled. – And don't you remember your G6 already?
- It was just that one time. – She said. – I am not sure I can do it again.
- But I am. – I sat at the organ for the accompaniment. – Just try to sing, dear, please. It would mean much to me.
With a nod she started singing.
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
She smiled widely at that part, and that smile, with the sweetness childlikeness of her voice caressed my soul and warmed it just like a ray of sunshine.
- Go on! – I assured her eagerly.
And her beautiful voice rang in my ears like a prayer:
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love--
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.
As the last line of the second strophe came and the modulation of the music turned to a darker key, revealing what was going to happen, Juti's face suddenly changed, and she stared at the sheet music with disbelief, but she went on singing, following the sheet music faithfully.
And this was the reason, that long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her high-born kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre,
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angel, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me...
Yes!--that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we,
Of many far wiser than we--
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee,
For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling--my darling--my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.
The aria ended and she looked at me with a sad expression.
- You sang it beautifully. – I jumped up from the organ bench, running to her with excitement, and kissed her forehead. This act finally made her smile.
- Thank you… it was a bit hard. And sad.
- I know, Poe's writings are dark, my dear.
- Yet your music is beautiful. – She hugged my neck. – I am honored I was allowed to sing it.
- You are absolutely allowed and welcome to sing any of Erik's compositions, my love. – I stated. – All but one.
- Don Juan Triumphant? – She inquired with a wink.
- Exactly. It will make you sadder than "Annabel Lee". – I chuckled.
- I do what you say. You know what is best for me. – She kissed my cheek.
- Oh, fear not my dear girl. – I hugged her to myself reassuringly. – Erik is here to stay as well, just like you. Nothing bad shall happen to us.
- Oh thank you sweetie. I calmed down. – She leaned her head against my chest.
The rest of the day had to be spent in the planned schedule.
It was eleven o clock when we walked outside and I waved to a coach to take us to a destination I chose. We needed to hurry, as I had a meeting at noon at the first time that day. It was indeed a quite bad appointment, but the owner had a busy day, I had to make compromises. Juti kept asking where were we going and did not understand why I did not wish to tell her.
- Surprises are given to you on your Birthday, and not the other way around. – She laughed out after the fifth unanswered question.
- If things work out as I planned, it will be the most sublime of gifts I have ever received. – I informed her. She did not seem to understand.
When we arrived at the address, she was even more clueless about the happenings than before.
- Don't ask anything. – I whispered in her ear before stepping out of the coach. M. Durant waited for us in front of the house, and cheerfully and very kindly (too much kindly) led us around. Juti seemed to like the surroundings, I could see she was in love with the interior mostly, she liked large rooms with huge windows and natural light coming inside – just the same things which got me as well when I looked at the house for the first time.
- Do you like it? – I turned to her after we were finished with looking around.
- I do. – She answered honestly, but I could see she did not understand why I asked.
- Good. – I nodded. - We are going to contact you with our final decision, Monsieur. – I turned to Durant and we shook hands. To tell the truth, the old fart asked way too much for the house, but it was the most suitable for my taste, yet I did not want to decide alone.
We watched four different addresses, two flats and two houses. Each of them were at the higher end of price category, but there were features I simply did not wish to lack in an apartment or house any more. I was simply too old and too fastidious by this time to live without proper plumbing and heating. And I was sure Juti would not like to get back to the Middle Ages either. One time travel was enough for her, I bet. Even these ones, if I was about to buy any of them, needed renovations and some modifications to meet my taste, but they were good enough.
When we finished with the last house, it was already half past four, and while we were sitting in the coach which took us back to the Opera, I smiled at her, but said nothing yet- I was waiting for her to ask something. I did not have to be disappointed in her. She was just as inquisitive as always.
- Erik, what kind of a Birthday celebration is that? I mean… why did you go around with me in whole Paris, looking at houses?
- Isn't it obvious, dear? – I laughed.
- You want to move out? – She looked at me with a hint of disappointment.
- Exactly. – I nodded.
- But… why? – She asked. – I like it there.
- You do. You might. – I said, with a bit of annoyance, but I wasn't too much stressed. I knew Juti liked the house by the lake, and she found it mysteriously appealing. I did not take it badly, it was part of her personality. She liked everything that required some fantasy and creativity, and everything which was just a tiny bit of mysterious and magical. – But… you see, Erik has been living there for long years already. Too long years. Buried underground, with no light and in a cold, literally unheatable tomb. Have you felt how cold that house is even with all the fireplaces in use all the time? And… it is just a box. A box under an opera house. I so much HATE it. Wouldn't it be nice to live like anyone else? Not to be afraid and give me a heart attack anytime you leave the house because I am afraid either you will be caught by the shadow, fall into the lake or into the Torture Chamber? Speaking of it, I have absolutely enough of the thought of having a forest in my goddamned home. Or the place I call "home" at least.
I paused, looking at her. She was examining me with growing interest, and maybe I saw it wrong, but hope. I put my hand on her shoulder and looked deeply in her eyes.
- Do forgive me if I sounded harsh. But you see, I am already 50 years old, and… and tired of living under an Opera House. I don't wish to be a monster and a lunatic hiding underground. I want to be a man. A living man with…
I nearly finished the sentence as "with a living wife", but silenced suddenly, knowing it would be just as a creepy proposal as I told Christine.
- With? – Juti pushed on.
- With a normal home. – I finished.
- Oh. I understand. – She nodded.
- So which one you would chose? I wish you to decide. Well, you don't have to decide right now, but I'd appreciate if you made up your mind in a short period of time.
- The first one we watched. That huge house with those columns or whats, you know how to call them.
- You chose that? – I asked, smiling.
- I would. It is a bit too far from here though. – She wondered.
- It is the least important matter in my eyes right now. – I chuckled. – I have seen the Opera many- many times already and I can easily lack the sight.
- With other words your boots are full of it.
- Exactly. – I patted her shoulder, still laughing.
- Then I would say to choose that.
- You will be astonished as it was my original choice as well. I just did not wish to decide all alone. It is not only for me after all.
- So you say… - She looked up with a hopeful expression. – I was allowed to go with you?
- But… but of course! Why could you not? I… I would not even do it any other way.
- I thought only you wished to leave.
- Without you? Sweetie, what Erik would do without you?
I hugged her close to myself and it was the first time we did not care about anything and kissed in a coach.
When we arrived back to the Opera, she was already half mad with happiness. She was so happy she could move in that house with me, I nearly cried out being so touched about her endless bliss.
In the house, as it was already kind of late, we had dinner together instead of lunch, but none of us were bothered about the fact. Dinner was nothing fancy, I did not wish to fuss too much about it. And though I did not receive a Birthday cake by my own request, as I mostly dislike sweets, Juti still surprised me with a box of the only type of candy I liked. After dinner, Juti carried a box to me with a wide grin.
- I still give you something. – She winked naughtily. – Open it.
- Oh finally I thought you will never show me. – I retorted half jokingly.
As I opened the box, I found a fountain pen with a single letter "E" engraved in it.
- Actually I wanted a treble clef with the five lines and an E note. – She explained. – But those fools did not want to do it.
I laughed out and kissed her forehead while she continued. – But I made the design. – She handed me a small piece of paper with her handwriting which showed the single measure which contained the E note.
- I love it anyway. – I admitted. – Thank you my dear.
She hugged me, and I received another kiss, which I prized more than anything, yet I finally collected my strength and bravery. I picked some papers out of my pocket and handed them to her.
- Umm… what are these? – She asked.
- Your identity. – I replied simply. – You have a birth certificate, a certificate of finished scholarship in three different schools, one being the Conservatory of Paris, and an identity booklet.
- You forged me a diploma of music?
- I did not. A good friend of mine did. Eh, well, you have the knowledge required for it, do you not? You already finished school. It is the truth.
- You are right… thank you. So now I exist… by your law as well.
- Yes. – I nodded. – And now… as you have an identity… I… I…
The scene at the jewel shop came to mind. How that fool was clueless about rings! He hadn't seen real golden rings in his life I daresay. In Turkey or Persia they would have beheaded them for trying to sell golden coated rings for the price of pure gold. After two hours, I finally found the ring I currently had in my pocket. Just finally say it Erik, say it!
I swallowed and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and reached into my pocket with trembling hand. I went on my knees in front of her and squeezed her delicate white little hand.
- Your hand is trembling. – She stated with worry.
- I… I know. Do… do not… bother Erik, he is trying to… concentrate.
- Oh, okay I am sorry. – She smiled. – And what are you concentrating on?
- I… I have tried… to word this… in different ways. All of them sounded ridiculous. And now… now…
Why is it so hard to say a few words to someone? Why can't I think logically? Finally I stood up, realizing it wasn't going to work out the original way.
- Are you ill? – She asked. – You are rather pale.
- No. – I shook my head. – Yet I am not… I can't… eh, just… listen!
In my deepest desperation I rushed to the piano. She followed me and stood by the instrument while I took a seat to play. I played the music which came to my mind suddenly, I played from the depths of my heart, and hoped she was going to understand what I was trying to say. Looking at her face, she did. At first she looked surprised, but very much delighted. With a wide smile she listened to my playing, and when I finished and went down on my knees in front of her, slightly already calmed by the music, and was able to show her the jewel box without my hand trembling too much, she screamed out with glee.
I opened the box and showed her the ring, then looking up at her, I chosed the simplest form finally:
- Will you marry me?
With tears in her eyes, she jumped in my neck, kissing me endlessly, only being able to nod for a few seconds, then she spat out happily:
- Oh yes, yes, yes!
For a time I don't remember anything…
I think I fainted.