Here's a co-review with a good friend of mine, and an ex-reviewer on Planet Insania, Dimentio713. Enjoy. Also please note that him and me made this in February.
Cat in the hat review
DJ was sitting in his chair, sighing abit as he says, "Hey folks, I'm the Demon Critic. I do the reviews so you know what to look out for..." He sighs as he says "And boy do I got a dozy...but I can't do it justice as this."
He then groaned as his eyes glowed dark red. Suddenly a red flame goes over him as he turns into a more adult being with jacket-like robe, red flames for hair, dark red eyes and sharp teeth in a smirk. He then says "Hey there, folks! Name's Darkus Kilish, the Raving Demon! Say hello to the first ever Raving Demon Reviews!"
(Shows an icon with the name 'Raving Demon Reviews' in flames)
Darkus smirked and says "And I got a special guest! Alright lets see..." He gets out a list of names. "Dragon Critic? nah. Steel? How many times has this happened? Ah, here we go. Time for this clown Dimentio to show up!" He snaps his fingers, making someone come in.
Dimentio713,a Filipino with a Lion king Musical t-shirt, denim pants, and a pair of glasses came in, looking around, "So...where are the free tickets to the Philippines?" He saw Darkus, "You look nice, are you giving me the brochure? It's been AGES since I've been there!"
Darkus looked at the camera plainly and asks "Your Dimentio?"
Dimentio looked at Darkus, "Yup!" He smiled, "I take it you're the person who's going to help me go back to the Philippines, I need at least four." He noticed Darkus's annoyed look, "Um... Are you?"
"I'm the Raving Demon, Darkus Kilish. I'm sort of like the Demon Critic, only I do bad movies." said Darkus with a smirk. "And your gonna help me out, el Dorko"
(AN: Darkus is a character who is sort of like the 'funny jerk' character. Sorry if any jokes of his insult anyone. It is not intentional in anyway and I do not feel this way towards anyone if he has insulted any group of people. And now, back to the review)
"...So you WON'T give me the tickets." Dimentio said, he sighed and smiled, "Well, what 'bad movie' will we be watching?" Dimentio sat down.
Darkus smirked as he says "The Cat in the hat."
(Shows the animated short of the same name)
"NOT that one!" said Darkus. "The one with Mike Myers!" said Darkus.
(Shows the villain of the same name)
Darkus smacked his forehead at this. "Just show the title."
(Shows the title of the same name)
Dimentio's eyes widened, "...No. No." He pointed his finger at the title, "OBJECTION!"
"Overruled." said Darkus, grabbing his finger and breaking it.
Dimentio gasped, "OW! OW! OW!" He looked at his broken finger, "...Note to self, don't say 'Objection' in front of jerks... Ow." He held his finger on his hand, "Heal." He looked at it and sighed, "Alright, let's just get this over with..."
Darkus snickered a bit as he says "But first, some back story."
(Shows images of Dr. Seuss himself)
"Everyone has heard of that rhyming quack Dr. Seuss, right? The guy behind the Grinch, the Cat in the hat, Lorax and other characters?" asked Darkus. "Well, apparently some people thought they could make live action movies out of the books."
"Case in Point, The Grinch." said Darkus.
"..." Dimentio looked at Darkus, "If anything, that film SUCKED!" He said, "However, they tried another way to 'attempt' to cash in on Dr. Suess's success. The Cat in the Hat."
"Eh, I'll admit the Grinch movie COULD'VE been better, mostly because of the sucky story and to little interesting characters, but at least the lead was bearable compared to Shrek in a cat suit." said Darkus.
"And this flick is...worse. Ten-times worse." said Darkus. "And this is made by Universal Studios. You know...the place with the Dr. Seuss theme park?"
"I've been to Universal... Awesome popcorn there. Anyways, I concur. Plus wanna know what THIS film has? A PG-rating! Clearly this is going to be kid-friendly movie to be watched by 3RD GRADERS!" Dimentio smacked his head, "Seriously!" He got his iPod, "Why would somebody rent this movie for kids!"
"You'd be surprised on how many bad parents there are." said Darkus with a sigh. He then took away the iPod and says "and no distractions allowed." He throws it over his shoulder. "Anyway, we start with this smelly pile of Once-Ler crud with a zoom on an area called 'Anville'. Wow...lame pun already. I have SO MUCH hope for the humor."
Dimentio rolled his eyes, "Anville? What the HECK! ...Anyways, I can see a problem with this movie... It's EXTREMELY colorful! Don't get me wrong, Sonic Colors was AWESOME... But...please Sonic Colors is HD, this is wrong!"
"Yeah, it looks like the badly-made theme park attraction based on the Dr. Seuss buildings. And it even has a badly-rhyming narrator who can't do grammar for crap." said Darkus.
(Narrator: It's a town that's not new, but quite big enough for buyers and sellser to go sell and buy stuff. From shoes to shirts and elongated ladders, to sailboats gilbleberry berry juice bladders.)
"Seriously, ANY thing that was based on theme park attractions WON'T end well!" Dimentio noted, "Sure Pirates was loads of fun, but still sometimes, they can SUCK!"
"But enough with the goofy look of the town, we see an real-estate building or what ever the hell this Humberfloob guy owns. No seriously, THAT'S his name. And he's played by Seans Hayes, who also played the evil cat in Cats vs. dogs."
(Mr. Tinkles: Cats rule)
"Not in this case, kid." Said Darkus plainly.
"...He sounds like a disease carried by aliens." Dimentio said.
"Which is ironic, since he's a germaphobe." said Darkus. "Hell, he fires someone for shaking his hand."
(Humberfloob: Fired.
New Guy: What?
Humberfloob: Fired...
New Guy: But...
Humberfloob: FIRED! (the man runs away))
Darkus and Dimentio cringed at his volume.
(Shows a glass breaking from the volume)
Dimentio snapped his fingers, "Enough innate magic to create this image."
(Chuggaaconroy: Jepson, you're FIRED)
Dimentio grinned, "Chuggaaconroy, Let's Player on YouTube. Collabed with ProtonJohn, NintendoCapriSun, and, for this particular LP, JoshJepson."
Darkus blinked at this as he scooted away from Dimentio. "...Anyway, he tells his employee, Joan, who is played by Kelly Preston, who also played Jetstream in Sky high. That I would rather watch then this pile of Who-hash."
Dimentio looked at Darkus, "I'd rather be at my house, with my friends, doing homework, learning... Wow, I lead a boring life." He realized as Darkus chuckled a bit.
"Indeed you do. So enough with that, we go right to the most generic neighborhood in the history of film." said Darkus.
(Shows every house looks the same)
"Wow...I never saw more lazy designs." said Darkus.
"You know, I can just imagine the designs for this neighborhood!" Dimentio said.
(Jump cut! Jump cut!)
It shows Darkus was reading a book, as he heard someone walk in. "What?" he asked with a bored look. "I'm trying to be creative here..."
Dimentio, apparently decked out a Noir type costume, looked at Darkus, "Look pal, the problem is, creativity is dead." He showed the plans, "Now get to work bub, I got your wife and kids still having their lives shortened each second. Or they will be as dead as creativity."
Darkus then bonked his head ash e says "Watch the movie, moron. It doesn't involve the mafia!" he then sighs as he says "Great…my first jump cut gets ruined by this kid…"
Dimentio rubbed his head, "...Jerk."
Darkus shrugs and says "Anyway, we meet up with the kids of the family. Who look like kids you'd see in a bad sit-com." said Darkus.
"Also, one is played as Dakota Fanning! ...Why exactly is beyond me." Dimentio said.
"No idea either." said Darkus with a shrug. "The brother of the two is messing with some junk in the house while Fanning's character, Sally, is messing with what I think is a PDA." said Darkus.
"...Ah, the good old days before the iPad..." Dimentio said, "...Those times were BO-RING!"
"And what the hell is she doing?" asked Darkus.
(Sally: all right, lets see; Number 1: Make today's to-do list. Number 2)
"Wow...a to-do list. How exciting." said Darkus "But apparently, the brother, actually given a name...Conrad-interesting choice-and is dressed in..."
(Shows Conrad covered with stuff from bread, metal objects from thek itchen and even bear-themed slippers)
"...the hell?" asked Darkus, confused.
Dimentio looked at the screen, "I haven't seen anything this crazy other than the time I was shot at by a supposed bullet!" He noticed Darkus's look, "...I saw underwear telling me the secret of life... Crazy."
"...Are you always this stupid?" asked Darkus, confused. "Anyway, Conrad does something that looks almost like one of those things you'd see in those Youtube flicks called..."
(Conrad: The Indoor Stair Loge)
Dimentio laughed, "Asking the obvious, Herr Darkus? ...When is the title character coming?"
"I'm not sure, but apparently Conrad has suicidal tendencies." said Darkus.
(Conrad goes down the stairs, as his mom opened the door, causing him to hit the car. The dog came out.
Sally: Nevins. Nevins, come back)
"Oh the humanity, please Nevins, come back. We love you and junk." Darkus said, using the same kind of tone Sally used; while looking bored.
(Conrad: Hey mom, what's up? (Sally and Joan glare at him))
"Why do I have a feeling that if this was deconstructed... Conrad would be dead or insane?" Dimentio said, "Anyways, what happens next?"
(Shows Joan...vacuuming Conrad?)
"...Where's the cat at?" asked Darkus. "Seriously, we're like 10 minutes and no Cat in the Hat."
"HE'S THE FREAKING TITLE CHARACTER, DANG IT!" Dimentio yelled, "WHERE THE (Buy some apples) IS HE?"
"But after we find out that Joan grounds Conrad for a whole week, we meet up with generic douche himself..."
(LAwrence: Knock-Knock. Did someone lose a dog?)
"Alec Baldwin?" said Darkus confused. "Weird."
"Of course, he cleans up nicely." Dimentio said, shrugging, "Not that I care."
"Anyway Alec, or Larry..."
(Lawrence: Its Lawrence)
"Don't care. He wants to send Conrad to a military school." said Darkus. "But, of course, his mom doesn't feel like it's a good idea. And can you blame her? This is the clown who said this."
(Alec Baldwin in Thomas and the magical railroad: Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle.)
"You saw that movie?" asked Dimentio, confused.
"No, I saw the Nostalgia Critic's review of it though." Said Darkus. "I'm STILL surprised it got green lighted…on the other hand, so this flick…"
"A military school? Maybe he'll be sent there and the movie will actually be INTERESTING!" Dimentio explained, "Maybe 'Cat in the Hat' is actually a film that deals with the loss of innocence!"
"Nah, Joan is called into work by her boss, so she asks for a woman named Mrs. Kwan to be the Babysitter."
(Shows Mrs. Kwan)
"Wow...who is that?" asked Darkus.
(Amy Hill)
"...Amy Hill? As in Juniper Lee's Grandma's voice actress Amy Hill? The same Amy Hill that played Miss hasagawa from Lilo and Stitch? THAT Amy Hill?" asked DArkus, as he looked around. "Why the hell is she in this movie?"
"...Who is Amy Hill?" Dimentio asked, "I'm not TOO up to date about voice actors."
"She's a Asian/Swedish American who's basically a comedian. Her best known roles was Ah-Mah from Juniper Lee an Miss Hasagawa from the Lilo and Stitch series." said Darkus. "I watched the shows, so I know this stuff. But here...she's a stereotyped old Asian woman! Come on, Amy. You're a comedian! You should know this isn't even remotely funny!"
"But anyway, Conrad says one thing to his mom when she tells him all the rules when she's gone..."
(Conrad: I wish I had a different mom.
Joan: Sometimes I wish for the same thing. (Leaves and closes the door behind her, as Conrad sat back down))
"...Wow, that was heartless." said Darkus. "I'm not kidding, Laxerene from Kingdom Hearts more of a caring personality then that!"
"...These kids don't know a good thing if it HIT THEM IN THE FACE!" Dimentio exclaimed, "Be happy with your life dang it!"
"Anyway, while Mrs. Kwan is watching TV, she falls asleep. So...yeah, I hoped you enjoyed her character folks, because she's gonna be asleep throughout most of the flick." said Darkus. "But as it begins to rain...and this is when the cat should show up, right?"
(The Narrator: (After a loud bump gets their attention) Something went bump.)
"FINALLY" said Darkus.
(Narrator: Oh how that bump made them jump)
"YES! RHYMING!" Dimentio exclaimed, "...What now?"
"So after hearing the bump, Conrad and Sally decide to look for it and found nothing until..."
(Conrad: There's no such thing as monsters (They see Mike Myers in the Cat in the hat costume)
Cat: A monster? Where? (The two kids scream and run away) That could've gone better.)
"..." Darkus looked confused and asks "Uh...why is Big the Cat here? No seriously, with that voice he sounds EXACTLY like Big the Cat from the Sonic games."
"Can this guy just stab these kids? Please?" Dimentio said, "I bet that cat's looking for Froggy."
(Big the cat: Froggy, where are you?)
"But apparently Big here is a stalker, as he easily follows the two." said Darkus. "And scaring the living heck out of them. But seriously, if you were being chased by a giant cat in a goofy hat, wouldn't you?"
(Sally: Who are you?)
"...Big the cat?" asked Darkus, confused.
(Cat: Who, me? Well I'm the Cat in the Hat! There's no doubt about that)
"...That's the Cat in the Hat?" asked Darkus, looking at Dimentio. "THAT'S supposed to be Cat in the hat? He barely even looks like the cat! They got the bow tie and hat right, but everything else...is WRONG!"
"He looks like some person who was in surgery! ...I bet he's the by-product of years and years and YEARS of a Chimera-like project. In fact, I bet that's why everything need to be clean! It's because the nuclear fallout!" He noticed Darkus's look, "What? I'm in the mood for grimdark."
Darkus rolled his eyes and says "So yeah...this is the Cat in the Hat...wow...this is the WORST design idea for the character in history."
"I BLAME NUCLEAR WAR!" Dimentio exclaimed.
"Can you actually help review it?" asked Darkus. "Or do I need to feed you to the hell hounds?"
Dimentio blinked, "Um... Sorry... So, does the Cat do anything?"
"Well...he surfs on the stairs, becomes a bit of a pervert towards a picture of Joan, and hangs up the babysitter in the closet." said Darkus. "...am I being pranked here? Seriously, please tell me this is a prank."
"The Cat seems to be a bit on the torture/weirdo guy... KIDS! KICK HIM OUT! THIS GUY IS CREEPY!" yelled Dimentio in a frantic tone.
Darkus nods as he says "And he even has this weird what-ever that reads what they are: Sally being a Control freak and Conrad being a bit of a trouble maker. So he decides to stay to help them out." said Darkus. "And what does he do? He sings!"
(Cat: I know that is wet and the sun is not sunny
but we can have lots of good fun that is funny (Both Conrad and Sally groan at this))
"Trust me, we know the feeling. And suddenly..."
(Mystery Voice: Stop this right now!)
"The hell?" asked Darkus.
Dimentio sighed, "Why do I have a feeling I'll be seeing a certain character in my nightmares?"
(The Fish: It's me, remember? The Fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then NOTHING!)
Dimentio's eyes widened, as he begins to say, "No…No…NO!"
Dimentio summoned his sword and pointed it, "WHAT IS WITH THAT FISH! IN THE ORIGINAL BOOK AT LEAST IT WAS FICTION! THAT'S IT! I BLAME NUCLEAR FALLOUT!"
He started to run around in circles. Darkus looked at the camera an says "one second." He walked ahead, and suddenly the sound of a metal bat hitting something, and then Darkus came back with a knocked out Dimentio.
"I like you Ms. Nesbitt." Dimentio said, dizzy. Darkus rolled his eyes at this. Dimentio got up, "What happened?" He then saw the fish, "NO!"
"Anyway...after ignoring the Fish's warning that the mother won't approve...this goes into Mind f*ck status..."
(Shows Cat in a harem Girl-like outfit)
"Oh my god..." groaned Darkus.
"We're in trouble…" said Dimentio
(Cat: There was this cat I knew back home where I was bred
He never listened to a single thing his mother said
He never used a litter box, he made a mess in the hall
That's why they sent him to a vet to cut off both his boo-
Boo-boo-
Boy!)
"..." Darkus looked at Dimentio and asks, "You get the point of this?"
Dimentio was seen in his Konata costume, "I don't know..." He noticed Darkus's look, "...Don't ask."
"I'm regretting asking you to do this review with me..." groaned Darkus.
Dimentio sighed, "What happens next?"
"We actually get something from the book..."
(Cat: (on a ball) You can juggle work and play, but you got to know the way
You can keep afloat a wish, like the way I do this fish (takes the talking fish's bowl)
You can be a happy fella, someone throw me that umbrella (Throws the fish in the air and it lands on the tip of an umbrella)
And that rake, and cake. (Gets both a rake and cake)
Life's what you make it, so have fun, fun, fun,
Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun,
Just look at me! Fun, fun, fun! (Gets three books)
No more rain, look, it's the sun, sun, sun (makes it sunny with his hands)
So can't you see? (Gets a plate with a glass of milk on it)
I'm as happy as a clam, I'm as fit as a fiddle (gets a fan in his tail and gets a toy boat in his hand)
Yeah, the dogs may bark about you
And the purebred chaps may doubt you (Drinks some milk))
"Hmm?" asked Darkus, confused.
(Cat: Milk? Big mistake (Begins to inflate) But remember this, you can't spell fun with out 'U' (Is fully inflated, as the kids looked scared))
Darkus then gets a box over him, confusing Dimentio. Dimentio looked at Darkus, and asks "What's that for?"
(Cat: I knew that milk would come back to haunt me (Gets a loud burp out, sending hairballs out at this))
Some hit Dimentio and the box that Darkus was under.
Dimentio walked away, "...I need to go to the bathroom." He gets up at this as Darkus removes the box.
Darkus then says, "Anyway...Cat says he needs to leave, but the kids keep him there. But he wants to show them something."
(Cat: Something magical and full of wonder)
"The end credits?" asked Darkus.
Dimentio entered the room, cleaning himself... still in his Konata outfit, "Second one I brought" He said, "...I just want to see the movie implode on itself."
"We'd have to wait on that, as...well..."
(Cat: (takes out a contract) It's called a contract.)
"Yeah...so Cat has the kids sign a contract. And they decide to have fun. What do they do first you may ask?" asked Darkus
"What? They cross-dress?" Dimentio asked.
"Nope...apparently they go and make Cupcakes." said Darkus.
Dimentio hid behind a chair, "...Made of what?"
(Chef cat: (In a British accent) Anything in the kitchen.
Sweater Cat: (In an annoying accent) Wait, anything?
Chef Cat: Yes, anything.
Sweater Cat: anything?
Chef Cat: (A little annoyed) Anything.
Sweater Cat: Anything?
Chef Cat: I'll get you, and I'll make it look like a bloody accident)
Dimentio blinked, "That. Is. Not. Funny. Also, where did the cats come from?"
"It's the same cat." said Darkus plainly. "Though I hope SOMEONE doesn't get any funny ideas. I'm looking at you, the guy who wrote that sick fanfic 'Cupcakes'." He pointed to the camera and says "And aparently he uses somethingw ith a name that even Dr. Doofensmirts would think is stupid."
(Chief Cat: The Kupcake-inator
Sweater Cat: Cukcake-I-what?
Chef cat and 'audience: The Kupcake-inator!)
"...Great. UNORIGINAL!" Dimentio exclaimed, "It's not even used as a joke. It's NOT a running gag."
"But after an argument with...himself, this happens."
(Chef Cat: I mean it, I will end you! HA! (Slices at tail.)
Sally: Cat, your tail.
Chef Cat: What about it? (looks) Oh I see, I chopped it off. Well that's interesting. (He looks at the cut off tail) Son of a-(Loud beeping is heard as Cat covers Conrad and Sallys ear as Sweater cat does the hand-sign that says 'Cut' as a 'hang-in-there-baby' poster appeared)
"Ya know, for Kids!" said Darkus. He looked around and asks "right?"
"Indeed. Though this isn't the audience's reaction to this movie that blows up in our faces, the cupcakes do as well," said Darkus as he gets an umbrella out over himelf and Dimentio.
(The Cat covers himself and the kids with an umbrella as a giant glop of purple slime flew out)
Dimentio sighed, "Just goes to show you... Nothing can stop the Smooze." Dimentio said.
"And then Cat does the most sensible thing; cleans it up." said Darkus. "But not with a washcloth."
"Then with what?" asked Dimentio.
"Just watch…" said Darkus.
(Cat: (wth the mom's dress) Look, I'm a girl (Does a silly giggle as he begins to clean the wall with it)
Sally: Stop, that's-
Sally and Conrad: MOM'S DRESS! (Cat looks surprised at this)
Cat: This filthy thing?
Sally: She was gonna wear that at the party, and you ruined it.
Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it (does the snap-and-headroll thing))
"Wow...that got old when it first came to be." said Darkus.
"..." Dimentio looked at the Cat, "Thanks. You're clearly responsible. Can somebody wake up the babysitter? At least she'll take away the Cat. Scratch that! Call the (buy some apples) police!"
"But to late for that, we get yet ANOTHER thing from the Books." said Darkus.
(Shows Cat with a giant red Box)
"Wait...the Cat in the Hat...a giant red box...could that mean..." Darkus began
Dimentio's eyes widened, "THE DOCTOR IS COMING!" Immediately, the Doctor Who Theme started to play.
(Cat: Without Further ado, here's thing two and thing one! (Suddenly the Things come out))
(The Things: Ta-Da!)
Darkus then yells "FINALLY! Something that looks remotely like they do in the books. I'll be honest, the Things here actually look a lot like they would be in live action."
"..." The theme music for Doctor Who ended, "Well... It's better than who I thought it was going to be, I though it was gonna a demon or something!"
"But now we got a new plot device: apparently the crate is kind of dangerous, so Cat needs to keep it locked up." said Darkus.
"..." Dimentio looked at Darkus, "...Where's it from?"
(Cat: It's the only portal from this world to my world)
"...where's that? Suessland?" asked Darkus.
(Conrad: It says it's from the Philippines.
Cat: Yes, but not THIS Philippines.)
"...Can he go back to it? Please?" Dimentio sighed, "Well, it's not like it has the name of the place where I want to go... Right?"
"Anyway, the Things start to mess up the house while Conrad unlocks the crate-moron-and the lock ends up on the dog's callor." said Darkus.
"...Let's see. Conrad officially has fail on his forehead now." Dimentio noted, "...I want to blow him up now."
Darkus then says "So the Things decide to throw the dog out, so Conrad and Sally have to either stay or go after the dog."
(Cat: There is a third option)
"There is?" asked Darkus, hearing piano music.
"Run away from the movie? Destroy the camera? Nuclear explosion?" Dimentio said, hopefully.
"What is with your fetish with nukes, kid? Seriously." asked Darkus as Dimentio shrugs.
Dimentio smiled, "Simple! It's cause it's FUN!"
(Cat: It involves...murder (Does more piano music))
"Ya know, for kids!" said Darkus. "Two times I did that joke, folks. Lets see how many more I can put in."
"...Why do I have a feeling that this movie was more for adults. I mean, there are SO MUCH dirty, stupid, adult jokes in this movie! What the heck!" Dimentio yelled, "KILLING ISN'T GOOD!"
"But enough with that, after putting Kwan on the box, they leave to get the dog while Lawrence decides it would be a good idea to do the same." said Darkus.
"But they were able to catch up to him and Cat does...this."
(Cat: (holding a gardening tool) Alright Nevins, time to die (The dog runs away)
Conrad: Cat, you scared him away.
Cat: Dirty hoe.)
Darkus spat out the drink he had been drinking at that scene. "What the hell!" yelled Darkus. "There were kids who watched this movie in theaters ya freak!"
Dimentio blinked, "So much Double Entendres." He deadpanned as he said that, "Also...animal abuse!"
"Indeed. And it get worse when they went to a Birthday Party, and Cat replaces himself with the party's Piñata."
(Kid with a wooden bat: Stand back.
Conrad: This can't end well (Cat waves a white flag))
"Good grief! This is PG! Dr. Seuss must be rolling in grave right now! They're pushing this movie to the limit!" Dimentio summoned his sword, "That's it. I'm chopping off somebody's head!"
Darkus took it away. "And then...this happens."
(Cat gets hit in-between the legs)
"Ah dude! You hit him in the Whonads!" said Darkus with a cringe.
Dimentio looked at his sword, "...I feel like hitting him there too."
"So apparently the kids find out that he's a talking cat, but who cares? There's candy!" said Darkus.
(Shows Conrad showing the kids what look like Salt Water taffies at the kids)
"I think the kids would scream, call the police... Something." Dimentio exclaimed, "WHAT! IS! WRONG! WITH! THESE! KIDS!"
"Short attention spans?" asked Darkus. "Anyway, the kids then find out that Nevins is taken by Lawrence, so they decide to take..."
(Shows a large cool-looking car)
"Huh...that's a cool looking car." said Darkus.
(Cat: It's just the dust cover (Takes it off, revealing a ridiculousness-looking vehicle)
"And we see something that's supposed to be a toy..." sighed Darkus. "Product placement folks…"
"Why can't it be a Ferrari? I mean, I'd ride that. Is the name endorsed by Honda though?" Dimentio asked hopefully.
(Cat: it's the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger. Or S.L.O.W. for short.
Sally: "S.L.O.W"?
Cat: Yeah, SLOW. It's a lot better then it's old name. The Super Hydrolic Instantaneous Transporter
Conrad: Oh, you mean S-
Cat: OHH! Quick to the SLOW!)
"...I got nothing but..." Darkus motioned it.
(Raven: this is absolutely pointless)
Dimentio got up, "That's it. I need a door." He said as he looked around, "Or at least something to bonk my head against."
Darkus just bonks his head against the desk. Dimentio looked at Darkus, "...Works for me." He too bonked his head against the desk.
"So yeah, Cat and the kids follow Lawrence into town, but they crash the car. Trust me, with a dumb car like that, your asking for it." said Darkus. "But sadly, they survived."
Dimentio looked at his sword, "One day..." He put it away.
"So they decide to let Cat Dress up as..."
(Shows Cat as a Hippy)
"Oh god..." groaned Darkus. "It's the Cat in the Hippie cap...great..."
"...Is there even a plot to this movie anymore?" Dimentio asked.
"I honestly could not answer that, but Hairball Dancer takes away the dog and they run for it, going into..."
(Shows a weird party)
"Okay, they just gave up, didn't they?" asked Darkus, annoyed.
"I know I am." Dimentio deadpanned, his sword looking more welcoming every moment.
Darkus took it and threw it away. "No Suicide man, it will lead you to Limbo. Anyway, after that...Big Lipped Alligator Moment, Cat discovers he left his real hat behind and is now just..."
(Cat: I'm just a normal 6-foot talking cat)
"Yes, like 6-feet Talking cats are SO normal!" said Darkus, annoyed.
"...You can't just throw it away," Dimentio said, summoning it again, "...But I can't kill myself with it... My being goes by extra lives. I can stab myself, but I'll have 5 lives left..." Dimentio sighed, "But still, six feet cats are TOTALLY normal! Honestly, what the heck! I'm confused!"
"But now they need a ride. What do they do?" asked Darkus. "He asks the Things to NOT help them."
"What?" Dimentio said, confused.
(Cat: I don't know if this will help, but the Things do the opposite of what you say)
"...what?" Dimentio said
(The things show up with Lawrence's car)
"O-kay...I'm confused." said Darkus.
"...PLEASE THRASH IT! THIS MOVIE KILLED THE LAST INSTANCE OF SANITY I HAVE LEFT!" Dimentio exclaimed.
"But anyway, the Things are told to mess with the mom while they get back to the house." said Darkus. "But somehow, when they get there, they meet up with Lawrence."
"What do the Things do anyways?" Dimentio asked out loud.
"They...pretend to be cops and try to eat her papers...well, at least it's more sensible then what the Deleted Scenes were..." said Darkus.
(Shows Thing 2 relieving himself as it makes a giant flood)
(Scootaloo: Eww...)
Darkus saw Dimentio's face as he says, "Make a comment, and your butt is Hellhound food."
Dimentio fell over, eye twitching, "End. Credits. Cannot. Come. Sooner." His eyes were blank and he got up again, "Used one of my lives! Gotta get a 1-Up Mushroom soon... What happens next? The box opens and the place is DESTROYED?"
(Shows everything was...clean?)
(Conrad: What about the mother of all messes?)
"Yeah, what the hell?" asked Darkus. "You said that there is this MOTHER OF ALL Messes and we get nothing? What the hell?"
(Dot: I have no idea)
Dimentio smiled, "Looks like the movie's done!" He patted his hair, "Well, that was fun..."
(Lawrence: (Sneezes) Why am I sneesing? (Cat pokes him, as he turns and looks freaked)
Cat: That would be me. BOO! (Laughs as Lawrence backed up)
Lawrence: You're a giant (sneezes) CAT! (Screams as he falls back into...paper background? As he falls into a giant sea of purple water) JUDAS PRIEST!)
"Uh..." began Darkus. "...What was that last part?"
(Lawrence: JUDAS PRIEST!)
"...What in hell does that mean?" Asked Darkus.
"...A metal band?" Dimentio said, confused, "Also, I think here is where our minds get screwed."
(Shows the 'Mother of all messes', which is basically a really trippy place)
"Yep, we've officially gone into Seussland...or at least I think it is, since it looks a lot like bad CGI wrapped in bad formatting."
"...Joy." Dimentio sighed, "This would be better as a cartoon."
Darkus then asks "Can you say something for once? Seriously, it feels like I'm doing all the work right now with me doing all the narration."
Dimentio looked at Darkus, "Well, it's been awhile since I've seen this movie... From what I remember, they go on this slip-and-slide ride...and I also remember the Philippines being alluded in this movie."
"Yeah. and this advertising happens..." Darkus said, cueing it.
(Conrad: This is amazing! It's like a ride in an amusement park!
Cat: Like in...(gets brochures out) Universal Studios? (laughs a bit and winks) Cha-ching)
"...Now we know they're selling out." Dimentio said.
"And this was made by Universal, so it's even worse. What if Disney did that?" asked Darkus, annoyed.
(Shows a scene from Sleeping Beauty, but with a Disneyland Poster in the background, and even a note at the bottom of the screen that reads 'COME TO DISNEYLAND! WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE!')
"Ruins the experience methinks." Dimentio admitted.
"Indeed it does." said Darkus. "So after that...randomness, they go up to..."
(Shows the crate with a giant purple tornado coming out of it)
"What the hell?" asked Darkus, as he says "What is that? Pandora's Box or something? What's going on with that thing?"
Dimentio sighed, "I think that's the box made in the Philippines... Why? Why did they put that in this movie? Also, I think it's causing discord."
"Yeah, and not the good kind." said Darkus. "I mean-"
"GET ON WITH IT!" yelled Ronny from behind the camera.
(Evil-wizard from Monty Python: Yes, get on with it!
Army: YES GET ON WITH IT!)
"Look the credits should run soon... Let's end this!" Dimentio exclaimed, wanting noting more than to end this movie.
"Anyway...after getting the dang lock on the box, the whole house falls apart. I think that makes sense since reality sort of just came back to it." said Darkus.
(Cat: anyone want to play tennis (Opens his hat...and Tennis balls)
"...wait..." said Darkus, noticing something.
"Wait... What happened?" Dimentio asked Darkus, "Did...a bomb come?"
no...THAT HAT IS MAGIC AGAIN!" said Darkus. "I'm not joking, earlier that stupid hat didn't work, and NOW IT DOES! THIS PLOT HOLE LEADS US TO NOWHERE!" yelled Darkus. "Get rid of him, kids! He's a waste of time!"
(the kids: OUT! (Points for the cat to leave, as he sadly leaves))
"THANK YOU!" Dimentio admitted.
"So yeah, the house is destroyed, so what are they going to tell their mom?" asked Darkus.
"...The truth?" Dimentio asked, "...And let themselves go to the cuckoo house?"
(suddenly they saw the cat come in with the giant cleaning car)
"Of course, they HAVE to give it the book's ending." said Darkus
"At least it's a shout out, y'know?" Dimentio said, shrugging.
"So yeah, the Cat fixes up the place and cleans up the kids, baby sitter and dog."
"GREAT! GO! NOW!" Dimentio exclaimed, "LEAVE THIS PLACE!"
(Conrad: Cat, wait. Don't go)
"Be consistent, kid!" yelled Darkus, annoyed.
(The sound of the door opening gets their attention, as Cat leaves through the back door)
"So yeah, the mom comes back to see the house not so messed up, but..."
(Shows Lawrence covered with purple gunk)
"What the hell is that stuff?" asked Darkus. "Did they put Grimace into a blender and dump it on him?"
"It's the Smooze," Dimentio explained.
"...The what?" asked Darkus.
"Ponies." Dimentio explained, "This creature created to destroy."
"Ah, gotcha." said Darkus. "Anyway, after kicking the guy out for talking crazy stuff about sending Conrad to military school again, we cut to the party."
(Joan: So what did you kids do today? (The two kids smirk at each other at this)
Narrator: Well, what would you tell your mother if she asked you?)
"Tell her I was in a BAD movie that made NO sense!" Dimentio explained, "Seriously though, for a movie about a classic book of Dr. Suess, I'd rather see this as a cartoon and NOT an attempt to cash in on ANYTHING! It's NOT child-friendly and CERTAINLY not a good movie to watch! I'd rather see something else entirely! It's BORING! Stupid! Unfunny! Please, move on to the end!" The young Filipino begged.
(then it reveals the narrator...WAS THE CAT?)
Darkus then growled as he says "JUST END IT ALREADY!"
(Shows the end credits)
"FINALLY!" yelled Darkus, relieved.
"...I'm going." Dimentio said, getting up and walking away.
"Hold it." said Darkus, dragging him back and sitting him down. "We need to tell them the final things we thought about this stink fest."
Dimentio chuckled, "Already said it!" Dimentio explained, "It's horrible. That's all I'm saying."
(Shows scenes of the movie)
"Yeah, good point. While it can have some jokes that are decent at best, the rest of it is just junk. Seriously, the story is paper-thin, even with all the added stuff, and not to mention it makes Dr. Seuss look bad." said Darkus. "I mean...how did the next Dr. Seuss movie go?"
(Shows the poster of Horton Hears a Who)
"Ah, right." said Darkus.
"I thought that movie was okay...but that was when I was young. Anyways, this movie ENDED the live-action era of Dr. Seuss movies... Thankfully too." Dimentio noted.
"Which got us the way-better Horton Hears a who, and will get us the Lorax movie." said Darkus. "Who's the title character being played by again?"
(Danny DeVito)
"...Danny Devito is the Lorax?" asked Darkus.
(Yes)
Darkus looked around as he says "okay, even if that movie blows, THAT alone would get a laugh out of me."
"Well, this has been Dimentio713 of Maskwitness Reviews telling you people reading the Demon Critic... See ya later!" Dimentio got up and walked away.
"And I'm the Raving Demon, signing out!" said Darkus, as he turned back into a confused DJ.
He looked around as he asks "Uh...what just happened?"
Movie Stats:
Pros: The things were decent and there were like two good jokes.
Cons: The plot made no sense at all, the writing stunk on ice, the characters were easily unlikable, and a lot of the jokes don't make it good, and this idea shouldn't have been in a PG rating.
Rating: * ½ out of five.
(Conrad: The Indoor stair lodge)
End of Review.
Well, I hope you enjoyed the first part of a small part of the series called 'Raving Demon'. Before anyone asks, it's a side project I thought up for REALLY bad movies. So if anyone has any ideas for it, let me know.