First of all, hundreds of hugs and kisses to everyone who made it this far with me. I know you probably gave up on me about a hundred times, and I'm sorry. But thank you for sticking around 'til the end. It only took me a year and a half to write the last 2 chapters. *Shakes head at self*
To all my new readers- Hello! I am so glad to have you. To my newest follower- you picked a great time to find this story.
Happy New Year everyone- this story is complete!
Without further adieu… I hope you enjoy the final chapter.
/
One final note: We begin by going back in time a bit, picking up Karen's POV about events of last chapter, then we pick up the continuation of Jimmy's POV that I left hanging last chapter.
Since it's been a year you may want to reread at least part of that chapter before getting to Jimmy's POV- otherwise it might be a little confusing. (Sorry)
/
Karen
It's been a whirlwind of a month. We finished previews and I officially made my Broadway debut. We've gotten so much press and so many glowing reviews and now the nominations and awards are starting to roll in. It's been amazing. Even better, Ana and I have repaired our friendship and are stronger than before. Everything is perfect.
Almost.
Jimmy is still maintaining his distance. We still see each other every day of course, and we have a comfortable working relationship- most days I'd say we're even friends. But occasionally there's a moment, usually after a show, when we end up alone together. Gradually the others wander away, leaving us by ourselves. And somehow we always notice at the same time and the easiness of our conversation fades. And with the realization, the air grows heavier and the moment stretches longer.
More than once I think he's about to speak. Or kiss me... or... something... Anything to finally call an end to the limbo I've lived in since that night so many weeks ago. And each time he breaks the increasingly uncomfortable silence with a quick joke and a light punch to my shoulder or a look down and a mumbled excuse about getting home before spinning on his heel and walking quickly away.
I'm starting to think the others are doing it on purpose. And while I'm somewhat grateful that they care I wish they'd stop. I'm not sure it's helping.
Though I don't suppose it's making anything worse.
With or without those moments I watch him. I watch him struggle with, persevere through and overcome whatever Derek, Jerry and Scott throw at him. I watch him turn on the charm for the interviewers, the public and award committee members. The angry, sulky Jimmy has all but disappeared. He's thrown himself into the show, more focused than I've ever seen him. But at the same time he's holding part of himself back.
I wonder- more than once- if he even thinks about what I said- if he thinks about me or about us. Part of me wants to ask him about it- just so I know- but I left ball in his court. I can't really go and ask for the ball back, can I?
In other news, we have a new dancer (several actually) and he's... well, he's hot. His shoulders ripple when he tosses the girls in the air before catching them effortlessly and his abs definitely exceed the legal limit. He's also funny and easy to talk to and... tonight he has asked me to meet him for drinks after the show. Even though it's been well over a month since Jimmy and I were 'Jimmy and I' it's hard to say yes. But there's a part of me that wonders if I should say yes. That part sounds a lot like Ana in my head...
Maybe it would spur Jimmy into action?
No. That's not why I would say yes. I would say yes because Mike is nice and smart and I like talking to him. I should say yes.
Over Mike's shoulder I can see Jimmy talking to Kyle, but I think he's paying attention to my conversation with Mike too. I watch him cough harshly into his arm. His eyes meet mine and he resolutely turns back to Kyle. He's been getting sicker every day, but refuses to admit it. His stubbornness will probably continue until he's hospitalized.
I shake my head to clear it and try to focus on Mike, but my mind is still on Jimmy. Tomorrow is the Outer Critics Choice Award ceremony. And more interviews before our performance tomorrow night. Mike waits, probably growing a bit concerned about my mental capabilities as my mind wanders for what have probably been several long minutes.
Looking back at Jimmy, I make a decision- several actually.
"Sure, let's get a group together and get drinks, there's this place we all go a lot. I'll talk to Ana and Sam, you check with the other dancers- see if they wanna go out too." I squeeze his arm, "Great idea!" I tell him with a grin before turning and walking away quickly. He opens his mouth to clarify his intentions, but I am already deliberately out of earshot.
He's great, but I'm just not quite ready to give up on Jimmy.
Speaking of, I have one other thing to take care of before the show tonight. I snag an assistant's sleeve and pull her aside to ask about tickets for tomorrow night's performance.
/
Jimmy
The next day we go to the police station and by the end of the day, thanks to Kyle, I'm bonded out.
We return home where the evening passes quietly, each lost in our own thoughts. I've been nursing the same beer for about an hour and it's grown warm in my hand. Apparently, I've been too preoccupied to remember I have it.
Kyle gains my attention when he breaks our near silence. "Hey, I was thinking," he begins as he stands and walks to the kitchen. He puts his cup in the sink, "Ana and Karen invited us to watch the Tony nominations with them. I think we should go." He leans against the counter, watching me to gauge my reaction.
"What?" I hesitate, torn. "No," I shake my head before looking down to scrape at the label on my bottle. "Let's just watch it here."
He sighs, "Come on, Jimmy. This is happening because of them. Without Karen, without Ana even- none of this would have been possible- we should celebrate with them… or you know- commiserate or whatever."
I roll my eyes, sensing his ulterior motive.
"Ok, fine- and then you and Karen can talk when it's over." Kyle looks at me sternly, "You know you need to. You know you want to. What's stopping you now?"
I sigh, "What if I screw it up again?" I tilt my bottle at him, "I do have a habit of that you know." I flash him a wry smile before taking a long drink and looking away.
Kyle shrugs, "Maybe, but if you don't try, you already have." He watches me for a moment before heading toward his room. "It's been a long day, I'm going to bed. Get some sleep, ok?"
I sigh and take another drink of my beer.
/
Karen
Ana and I are huddled around her laptop, waiting for the show to start. I get up to get some more coffee. I probably don't need it- I'm already a little twitchy- but it gives me something to do with my hands.
I've nearly reached the coffee pot when we hear a knock at the door. I look at Ana and she shrugs, not expecting anyone either. I detour to the door, opening it to find Jimmy and Kyle.
I nearly drop my cup. I really have to learn to check the peephole first.
"Hi! I was hoping you guys wouldn't mind some company?" Kyle asks brightly. Jimmy is standing just behind him, staring at the ground, fidgeting with his jacket pockets.
"Oh, um… no- I mean of course!" Wait- what was the right answer? I'm distracted, trying to match his brightness. It's not that I'm unhappy they're here- the opposite really- I'm just not sure what it means. "Come in," I finally finish, realizing we're all still standing awkwardly in the doorway. I step to the side to let them in. I shake my head at myself as I close the door behind them. I need to get a grip. I shoot Ana an excited look behind them. She raises her eyebrows back.
A noise on her computer snags her attention. "Oh my God! They're on!" Ana exclaims from her place at the table, waving us over.
Forgetting my coffee, I hurry back to my seat. Jimmy and Kyle scoot their chairs in on either side of us- Kyle pointedly taking the seat beside Ana. Jimmy moves closer to me, while still maintaining a 'safe' distance. I try to focus on the screen and not on Jimmy or the distance, or how I can smell his shampoo from his shower this morning.
"Ummm, let me make it bigger," Ana presses a button on her computer and the broadcast becomes full screen.
We watch, celebrate and giggle giddily as Ana, Kyle and Jimmy are announced as Tony nominees. Kyle is the youngest ever to be nominated in his category. I'm happy for them, but I sit on pins and needles until the final category- mine- is announced.
They call my name and I don't even hear the rest of the list. Ana shrieks and Jimmy pulls me out of my chair to hug me. It takes a moment for that to register, but when it does it seems to happen to us both simultaneously. We both pull back and look away, euphoria replaced by uncertainty. He shoves his hands in his pockets and takes a step back. I drop mine to my sides and lean against the table.
Ana closes her computer and grabs Kyle by the sleeve. "Well, we're gonna go in the other room and um… eavesdrop."
Ana is nothing if not blunt. Kyle grins, nodding. I roll my eyes at both of them and turn to face Jimmy. He chuckles at our friends, and their completely unrepentant meddling. But when he shifts his gaze to me as they disappear around the corner, his smile is a little shy- nervous even. He looks down and takes a deep breath.
Still staring at the ground, he begins to speak. "Hey, what you did for me last night…"
Surely that's not what he wants to talk about. "It's ok," I shake him off. "You already thanked me."
"No, no- that's not what I'm trying to do." He pauses, shaking his head, as if trying to gather his thoughts. He looks at me, his head cocked slightly to the side, "Last night I realized I'd done something to be proud of- and you were a big part of making it happen," he says each word slowly, as if measuring each before releasing it, but his gaze is steady. "In spite of everything that happened with the show or with us, you never gave up on it- or me…" he huffs a laugh before looking down, "and I tried hard to convince you to." He shakes his head once before looking up again to meet my eyes. "Last night you made me see that I should be proud of myself, that I was worth being proud of- something you've been trying to tell me for a while- I just wasn't ready to hear it." He takes another breath before continuing.
"And I owe you an explanation." I start to interrupt, but he waves me off, "I know that I pushed you away." I take a deep breath, waiting, hoping. "I think… I think I've always been afraid to let people get close to me, and I guess just thought that it was better if you didn't. But you were right, I didn't think I deserved you. So I kept pushing you away. And it took me a while to figure out why. And I'm so sorry."
I swallow hard, wondering if this was finally it.
He looks down before stepping closer, but when he begins speaking, his gaze is steady again. I hold my breath. Only a few small steps separate us now. "You know, seeing the show last night did something else too." I wait as he steps one step closer, close enough to touch if he would just cross the small space. "It made me realize that the show could live on without me."
I let it out the breath I was holding- that's not what I was expecting.
I try to smile but I'm confused, "What do you mean?"
"I mean that it was still great- even with my understudy. And it would be great without you too. The show stands on its own."
"Mm hmm," I hum, nodding. But then his words register. I hesitate before asking, "Um, are you going somewhere?"
"I'm just- just thinking about the future." He pauses, "More now than I ever allowed myself before." He shrugs, "It's kinda nice knowing that you're leaving something behind- no matter what." He looks to the side, and I lose him to the thoughts in his head for a moment.
He looks back at me and smiles softly, "It took a while, but I finally figured out what I needed to do." His tone, like his expression is soft.
"What do you mean?" This sudden subject change and talk of leaving things behind is making me a little nervous.
He clears his throat before taking my hand, pulling me away from the table and leading me to a chair. I sit and wait while he pulls another to face mine and sits as well.
He looks down at his hands, which are rubbing together nervously, before wiping them on his jeans. He nods, seeming to make a decision.
He grips his knees for a moment and looks up at me, his determination evident on his face. "I know I've been shady with my past and I've only ever told you anything when you've pushed- and sometimes not even then." He pauses, "So I need- no- I want to explain something." I lean toward him, resting my elbows on my knees, nodding. Encouraged, he takes my hand in his, bridging the space between us. He plays with my fingers as he begins, "Five years ago I was at this party with a girl- that I hardly even knew- and I had some stuff with me." He pauses, swallowing, "Um, we used it and she... she did too much."
I pull back slightly, though I'm careful not to pull my hand from his. This isn't what I wanted him to tell me. "Jimmy... You don't have to tell me this."
He shakes his head and presses on, "I need you to know- to understand." I nod slowly and he continues, "Karen, she was just lying there, not moving." He takes a breath, "And instead of telling anyone, I ran. And not just ran, I mean, I went off the grid. I hid with Adam, with Kyle- I eventually changed my name. I've been looking over my shoulder for so long I couldn't even see my future anymore."
"Why are you telling me this now?" I ask, my voice small. I'm torn. I'm glad he's being so honest yet also horrified at the thought of the poor girl and the guilt he's lived with all this time.
"Because this has haunted me- every day. Until yesterday."
My breath catches. "What did you do?"
"I turned myself in," he whispers.
"Oh God! Jimmy!" I drop my head into my hands. A thousand scenarios- none of them good- fly through my mind. He's going to jail. I can't even process the fact that he did the right thing. All I can think about right now is that I'm going to lose him. He's going to spend the rest of his life in jail. How is he even here right now?
I hear his chair move and can see his face through my fingers. He's squatted down in front of me so that he's eye level with me. "Hey," he tries to pry my fingers away from my face. "Hey," he meets my eyes, "Here's the thing- she's ok!" His words pull my face from my hands. "She's not dead." I allow myself to hope. He continues to reassure me, "She didn't die, they told me she's fine!" His face is so earnest I nearly laugh in relief.
"So you're ok?" I have to be sure.
He shifts his weight uncomfortably before standing up. He runs a hand through his hair, before rubbing the back of his neck. "Uh... distribution of a controlled substance- most likely 6-18 months," he recites rapidly, as if not wanting to dwell on that part.
The momentary levity leaves me and I feel suddenly heavy. I fall back into the chair. "But the cops commended me for doing the right thing," he attempts to reassure me. "I posted bail last night."
I must look as unconvinced as I feel. He drops back down to my eye level and takes my hands again. "I told you I would do whatever I had to, to be the person you saw in me." His face and words thrum with sincerity. He gives me a tight smile, his eyes shining as he whispers, "I can be that person now."
His long overdue belief in himself and his fervent desire to do the right thing coupled with the obvious consequences facing us both put me near tears too. I'm happy for him and I'm proud of him, but I'm terrified for us both.
/
Jimmy
It seem like an eternity passes as she sits in silence, on the verge of tears. I can't tell if she's about to cry or run or…
I can't take it anymore so I press on, there's something else I want to say- that I need to know.
"Listen, I have about a month and a half until my court date- until my life is out of my control- and I want, more than anything, to spend that time with you- if you'll have me." I pause, realizing that after everything- the weeks of waiting for me to get my act together, the... prospect of someone who has less baggage, the revelations of the last half hour- for any of those reasons and so many more she might not want this anymore.
I rush to add, "I understand if you say no." I don't want to lose her friendship or our working relationship by making everything awkward. "It won't be long before I'm gone- and I don't know for how long. And I don't want to ask you to wait for me. It wouldn't be fair- but if you're still... when I get out..." I huff, struggling to get the words out but I try again, "If you're still around-"
She cuts me off by launching herself into my arms, knocking me off balance so we land on the floor in a pile of limbs, but she maintains my silence with a kiss.
All the tension I carried for the last few months- hell, the last few years- evaporates as she wordlessly gave me the answer I hardly dared to hope for.
"Hey! None of that in the kitchen! Take that to your room!" We look up to see Kyle and Ana grinning above us. "The table has barely recovered from the last time."
Kyle continues, laughing, "Not that we aren't happy for you- but, you know- time and place. You got the time right- finally…" He gives a pointed look at me.
"Anyway," he tugs Ana toward the door, "We have um, important errands to run, so we're just gonna… see you later."
"Be good you two! Don't psychologically scar the TV! It's only a year old! It's a TODDLER!" Ana calls as the door closes. Her scandalized tone would be more convincing if she weren't giggling.
Karen shakes her head. "We need new friends."
I shrug as I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "Oh, I dunno- they did leave us the apartment to ourselves…"
/
The weeks fly by and suddenly the night of the Tony Awards has arrived. Ana, Kyle, Karen and I decided weeks ago to go together.
We pick the girls up at their place. Karen opens the door and I'm momentarily speechless. I cannot believe how beautiful Karen looks in her dress. She gives me a quick peck on the cheek after letting us in, but disappears quickly down the hall claiming she's not ready. I can't imagine what she still needs to do- she looks perfect to me.
Kyle shoves my shoulder with his and I realize I've been grinning foolishly after her. He shakes his head with a short laugh.
We arrive at the theater and again I cannot believe my life. This entire year- less really- has been surreal. I'd think I was dreaming but there is no way my brain could make this up.
The ceremony progresses and as expected, "Bombshell" and "Hit List" split the awards. The biggest shock of the night comes when they call my name for best score. I stumble out of my seat and somehow make it to the stage without falling. I didn't even prepare a speech.
I stand at the podium and look out over the sea of faces to find the two who matter most. They're both beaming at me.
Suddenly I know what I want to say.
"Kyle, my best friend and co-writer of this amazing musical, has always loved Broadway. He keeps playbills from every show he's ever seen, but he has a special collection of playbills of shows that didn't make it. He used to carry them around with him and would have people who came into the restaurant where we worked sign them. You see, he remembers every face and almost every word of every production he's seen- it's frightening really." I grin at him. "He pulled extra shifts for two weeks to buy a train ticket to Boston to see "Bombshell". He, like most of you, loves Marilyn."
I pause for a moment to collect my thoughts, knowing my time is running short. The most important parts still need to be said, "I remember when he came back from Boston... Uh, he said the show needed some work." I give a nervous laugh, but somehow, in the mass of humanity in front of me I spot Julia and Tom who are also laughing, so I carry on, "But also that it was magical- and that there was this girl in it- this girl that could make you smile and break your heart in the same second." He wasn't wrong. "She came into the restaurant a month later and signed his playbill and made not only his day, but changed our lives. The two of them are the only reasons that I am standing here tonight. So Kyle, thank you for never giving up on me- even when you probably should have, and Karen," I find her eyes in the crowd, "I know it's three months late, but, I love you too."
I grab my envelope and trophy and scurry off the stage as the music begins to play.
I stand at the curtain willing myself to breathe evenly. Our performance is coming up soon and I've been looking forward to it all night. If we pull it off, it should bring down the house.
In seemingly no time, the others are joining me. Karen's eyes are bright, but other than a soft smile as she squeezes my hand, she makes no comment. There's not time for more than that as we're ushered to our places.
A warm feeling washes over me and I feel calm as I hear Karen's voice ring out a cappella over the remains of the applause. I see her enter the stage slowly, her voice sure as she sings the familiar melody.
The one that landed us here.
"...the view from here is pretty, and I step off the edge..."
And that's my cue to walk out just as slowly, picking up where she left off. I watch her as I take my place beside her, "...it's my calling, baby don't you cry, don't you cry, I'm falling down through the sky."
I smile at her as we nod, signaling the start of our harmony, "toward the street where I'm from..." Our voices merge effortlessly- and I can't stop grinning.
Ana and Sam join us and our little family is nearly complete. Kyle won't join us on stage, but he is watching in the wings.
Karen and I pick up the verse in harmony once again "...I'm focused on the prize." We all take a breath as the rest of our cast who has bled, sweated and cried with us through this journey joins us for the chorus. Our hands and feet provide a counter beat, our voices rising and falling together in complex harmonies.
Karen, Ana, Sam and I trade lines and pseudo-improvised riffs (we did practice this a few times- it's the Tony Awards after all) through the remainder of the song, a final stomp ringing through the theater at the conclusion.
The place is silent for a long moment as we freeze. But then, to our disbelief, the crowd erupts and the collected Broadway royalty before us leap to their feet. In the midst of the massive, joyous group hug onstage, I grab Karen around the waist and pull her to me, kissing her soundly, not caring at all who sees.
I bring my hands up to gently cup her face and I try out the words again. "I love you," I tell her, pouring everything I feel into those little words.
I find that they are just as easy to say the second time.
She giggles, still giddy, "I know."
She seems to recover herself a bit and rests her forehead against mine, bringing her hand up to rest on the back of my neck, "I love you too." We stand there a moment- as if the only two people in the theater- before an impish grin splits her face, "Was that really so hard to admit?"
I roll my eyes before kissing her again.
Our cast is hustled off stage so the stage crew can prep for the next performance- undoubtedly more technically demanding, probably with large set pieces- but I doubt they'll get half the reception we did.
Our little show that could never stops surprising people- me most of all. I take Karen's hand, scoop up my trophy and pull her in search of a more private alcove. Win or lose from here, my night is perfect.
/
Epilogue
Jimmy
The weeks before my court date were some of the best of my life. I clung to those memories during the interminable days of my incarceration.
But all things, good and bad must come to an end. And just as those happy days ended, so today does my prison sentence. It's been eight long months, but today I am a free man.
I've served my time, I've met, apologized to and been forgiven by Megan- the girl from all those years ago. Apparently her near death experience prompted her to reassess her life. She has a good life now- a college degree, a good job at a marketing firm downtown and a fiancé- they're getting married in a few months.
I receive my few belongings from the guard at the desk before being led outside. The sunlight is bright, but with my hand shielding my eyes from the worst of the glare, I see Karen standing in the lot, waiting for me. I grin as I close the space between us, sweeping her into a spinning hug.
I still don't know how I am so lucky. But I no longer question it. I take Karen's hand and lead her to the waiting car. I'm free- in every way- and today my life and our future can really begin.
/
And that's all folks! Thanks again for sticking around- I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did (minus the interminable intermissions there at the end). I've loved the conversations and friendships that have spun from this fic. You are all amazing. I still can't believe anyone- much less so many- wanted to read my nearly 130K of babbling.
I think I may post this over at AO3 too- I've made an account over there in the last year or so. More than anything I want to gather up all the other stories I've written for other fandoms on various platforms/ Tumblr accounts. (Though that may be ambitious…) I may also finally do that edit on this fic- take out some of the author's notes and what not and correct some errors that have been bugging me.
I'm not sure if I'll revisit the Smash universe in fic- at the moment I have no ideas. (Though that's true for any fandom- not just this one.) I'll always love Smash, and Jimmy and Karen. I hate that we never got to see them whole and happy. Finishing this fic makes the end seem more final. Maybe that's why I procrastinated so long…
Anyway... Happy New Year! I hope 2015 is your best yet.