A/N - I wrote this chapter long ago (like the rest of the story) but was playing around with the idea of re-doing it. I was happy with it when I wrote it, but a couple of reviews have made me sit and think about the direction of his character (they were not negative, just gave a different opinion). But I'm happy with how things are progressing, and people appear to be reading and enjoying what I'm writing so I've left it alone.

The mood on the Normandy was sombre. Everyone was alone with their thoughts at various places around the ship as they dealt with the events that had transpired on Virmire. There was at least some sort of good news, Liara joining with Shepard once again and figuring out the message Shepard had gained from his second exposure to the beacon. Saren had gained a minor victory, but his base had been destroyed, and he was now on the run again. That was merely annoying. Everyone was confident they would catch him once again. But, as to be expected, it was the loss of Ashley that affected everyone on the ship most of all.

Debrief had been excruciating to sit through. Alenko was wracked with guilt. He laid no blame at anyone else's feet. It was merely the fact that Shepard had chosen to rescue him that refused to sit comfortably, the fact his life had been chosen, almost as if more important, than someone else. He understood the reason why. Shepard had chosen to save the many – Alenko, Kirrahe and the rest of the STG squad – over Ashley. But it was knowing that Ashley had to be sacrificed, and in, of all things, a nuclear explosion, that was never going to sit easy.

Shepard tried his best to appear stoic with everything that had occurred, but Tali could see the already haunted look in his face and eyes as he calmed Alenko, telling him it was an impossible decision. One way or another, a choice had to be made. The news that Liara figured out where they could head next barely lifted his spirits. Tali was worried for him and how he would now cope. After everything that had happened since what she knew of what occurred on Eden Prime, and since their first meeting on the Citadel, she was more than aware that it was taking a vast toll on his strength of spirit. In front of everyone else, apart from what happened after events on Nodacrux, he was still the rock. The unbreakable Commander. But she knew there was only so much anyone could endure before finally breaking. She also knew that he only ever let his guard down with her. She wanted to go to him but she just didn't know what she could say to help.

So Tali stood at her usual console down in engineering. She was trying very hard not to break down and simply cry herself. She had grown close to Ashley in their time together, Ashley once joking that she thought of her as another little sister. Just the thought caused a tear to slowly make its way down her cheek. Tali shook her head slightly, trying to stop thinking about Ashley at all, and attempted to busy herself with some work. Adams looked over at her from time to time, concern clear on his face, but he left her alone, seeming to realise that getting stuck into work may be the best medicine for her. But she wasn't feeling any better when she heard a throat being cleared behind her. Like usual, she turned expecting to see Shepard. She almost leapt back in surprise.

"Oh, Kaidan. I, erm, wasn't expecting you. Do you need something?"

Kaidan tried to grin, but it didn't reach his face. "Hi, Tali. Could you… Can you come with me please? We think we may need your help." Kaidan then turned and motioned for Tali to follow, Tali simply following him out of engineering.

"We…?" she asked. They came to a stop next to the elevator, where Shepard's entire ground team, or those who were left at least, were waiting for them. Liara looked incredibly upset, her cheeks streaked with tears, while even Garrus looked concerned, at least from what Tali had learned of his facial movements. Wrex, as usual, was unreadable, but he was in the group, so she guessed it meant he at least cared. Even Chakwas was standing with the group, deep in thought, a concerned look on her face.

"Um, so how can I help, guys?"

"Shepard isn't in a good way. You… You haven't heard the noises coming out of his room. Now, any one of us may try and go in there. But… You have the closest relationship with the Commander. We think maybe you could reach him out to him," explained Kaidan.

"Why do you think he'll listen to me?"

"Don't be coy, Tali," said Liara, "We know you two are close friends. And we know the trust he has in you. We just think you would be the best person to reach him. We're not sure how he'll react to any of us, but if you were to go and see him, we're positive you'll be able to calm him down."

"None of us can walk in there and make him come out and talk to us," continued Chakwas, "That is something he needs to do himself, if he chooses to do it. But, well, we think that maybe you could help him. Or at least calm him down. We all know you have the soothing effect on him."

Tali didn't know what to think. She knew Shepard would be angry or upset with events that happened, but just what was going on?

How bad is it that they've actually come and flat out asked for my help?

"O… Okay. I'll see what I can do," she responded, wringing her hands. "Um, wait down here… or in the mess. I'll go see him now."

"Thanks. We'll all wait down here. Give you some space," answered Kaidan.

Tali stepped into the elevator, pressing the button. She waited silently as it slowly ascended, nervously wringing her hands. She didn't know what to think. She had no idea what was going on with Shepard. She knew he was hurting after the events on Virmire, but just like everything else he had dealt with, she figured he would go to his quarters and keep to himself like he usually did.

Probably reach for his bottle and have a drink like usual. It's just his way.

She couldn't help but sigh. She wished he would come to her instead. She knew that they connected, they talked all the time and Shepard had already shared many personal issues with her, but she knew he wouldn't just come out and ask for her help. Or just ask her to listen to him. That was just how he was. Despite everything he had shared with her, it seemed it was still difficult for him to lean on her, or anyone in all honesty, for anything. She guessed she could understand why. Despite their more than obvious close relationship, he was still the Commander, after all.

Eventually the elevator had finished its rise, and she stepped out. She walked out into the deserted mess area. Already she could hear faint noises coming from Shepard's quarters. She walked slowly towards the door, the noise rising as she approached. She could hear shouts coming inside his room. She could only makes out bits and pieces

"…fucking Saren… Ashley… why…."

Then a crash.

Shepard, what are you doing to yourself?

Tali softly knocked on the door. "Shepard?"

No answer. Just more shouting, cursing and banging. She could hear the utter fury in his voice even with the closed door between them. She could hear the low tones of what appeared to be music playing. She had no idea what it was. Tali took a deep breath. Now she was frightened.

Frightened for Shepard.

He needs someone.

He needs you.

She opened the door.

She gasped as she brought a hand to her mask. Shepard was busy pacing in the middle of his quarters, not having heard her enter. He was literally shaking with rage as he shouted and cursed, gesticulating wildly as he yelled to the emptiness of the room. He came to a stop and stared at the bottle in his hand for a moment. She thought he was going to drink but instead he turned and hurled it at the wall, continuing to shout and curse as the bottle smashed into pieces, remnants of the liquid slowly dripping down the wall. Tali couldn't help but slightly jump at the loud crash.

She looked around his quarters, noticing that they were a complete mess. The table and chair set was scattered all around the room. His desk was overturned, datapads spread across the floor. Glass littered the floor, her private terminal nothing but pieces having been slammed into the floor in his rage. One of the mirrors on the wall was smashed to pieces. She noticed bloody marks on the wall where Shepard had more than likely used his fists. Or even his head. She looked back at Shepard and could see his hands were covered in blood.

His own.

His back had been turned when Tali had entered. Tali walked in a few paces and stopped. He still hadn't noticed her presence as he continued to pace the room, ranting and raving, anger flowing from him.

"Shepard?" she asked quietly.

Shepard stopped suddenly as he heard her voice and turned around. Tali could easily read all the emotions on his face in an instant. Anger. Rage. Pain. Sorrow. Everything was written in his eyes. In his face. She knew him too well.

Why do you keep shutting yourself away from everyone, from me, Shepard?

She could see Shepard's eyes bore into her own. She watched him stare at her for a moment, before he took a deep breath, closing his eyes, bringing all his emotions under control. She watched as he slowly deflated, his shoulders slump, his head drop for a moment. He went quiet as he looked back up at her. His eyes and face were one of simple but immense sadness.

"Sorry," he said quietly, "I don't know how else to deal with it. I should be used to this by now, all this... death. But how do you deal with...," he didn't finish, simply shaking his head.

Tali didn't know what to do. All she wanted to reach out to him. He kept everything within himself nearly all the time, barely letting out a glimpse of the man who lay underneath the armour. Tali had seen glimpses of who he really was in the time they had been together, but those times were still few and far between. She knew he still dealt with most things by himself, without relying on anyone. So she did the only thing she thought could bring him comfort. She walked slowly towards him, his eyes watching her progress. When she was stood in front of him, she slowly wrapped her arms around him, and hugged him close. Slowly but surely, she felt Shepard wrap his arms around her.

Why does this always seem to work with him?

Neither of them spoke. Tali could only hear Shepard's rapidly beating heart slow down. His breathing return to normal. She didn't want to let go. Shepard didn't seem to want to either as they just continued to hold each other. Shepard didn't say anything as he held her. Tali tried to let go once, but Shepard just held her even tighter. So Tali just continued to hold him, realising this is just what he wanted. Needed. Even desired. Tali smiled slightly behind her mask. Eventually he took a deep breath and took his arms from around her, before moving a hand towards the side of her mask, slightly brushing the side. Tali blushed and smiled under her mask at his gesture.

"Thank you, Tali. You always know what to do," he said quietly.

"Shepard, you're bleeding," she responded, as she grabbed one of his hands, "Come on, we should wash these cuts out. You don't want to get an infection."

Shepard lightly chuckled, as Tali led Shepard by hand to his bathroom. She ignored the broken mirror and mess as she grabbed a cloth, turning on the water and wet it under the tap. She turned around and held one of Shepard's hands, lightly using the cloth to clean the blood from his knuckles and fingers, before wrapping the cloth around his hands and wiping away the rest of the blood. Shepard winced every so often. One or two of the cuts were deep. Tali looked up at Shepard's face. She noticed he was staring at her with a look in his eyes she didn't really recognise, a slight smile on his face, as she stared back at him from behind her mask.

Why is he looking at me like that? He doesn't….

No, no, don't be silly, Tali. He's probably just had a couple of drinks.

Finish what you're doing then put him to bed. He needs rest.

Tali finished cleaning Shepard's hands, then grabbed some medi-gel, rubbing that in the deeper cuts, before she grabbed a couple of bandages and wrapped his hands to stop any further bleeding. That done, she walked him backwards out of the bathroom, pushing him lightly in the chest. She stood in front of him and lightly pushed him back onto his bed. He looked up at her with a raised eyebrow as he sat down.

"Rest, Shepard. Please, get some sleep. It's been a long day and it's late. You've had a lot to deal with, and you look absolutely exhausted," she asked.

Shepard didn't say anything. He just nodded, bending over slightly as he took off his boots, detached his armour, laying it on the floor, before he lay down on his bed. Tali turned to walk out of the room. She didn't expect what came next.

"Stay," he said quietly.

Tali turned around to look at Shepard. He looked back at her. She thought his eyes were almost… pleading.

"Please, stay. Just for a while. I… I don't want… I'd like you to stay," he added, no more than a whisper.

Tali looked at Shepard for a moment. She wasn't surprised he wanted her to stay. She nodded her head. Tali quietly lay down on the bed beside Shepard, watching him from behind the mask as he silently looked back at her, before she watched him close his eyes. She waited a bit longer, until she heard the tell-tale sign of gentle snoring. Once she was confident he was asleep, she moved her hand to the side of her face-plate and clicked a button, turning off the speaker. To herself, she spoke quietly as she lightly stroked his face.

"You are a good man, Shepard. Never let anyone say you are not. I have seen how much you care for others, the entire team, including me. Especially me, after everything you've told me. How you appear willing to sacrifice yourself, to make sure that those you care about are safe and happy. I will never completely understand the decision you had to take today and how you will have to deal with that. I know the things you keep on your conscience. The decisions you have had to make at times during this mission. I also know of everything you do just for me. The lengths you go to keep me safe and protected. But not just me, everyone else as well. Which is why I know losing Ashley in such a way hurts you so much.

So let me tell you just one thing, Shepard. There is someone on this ship who cares for you a great deal in return. You have shown that person an incredible amount of respect and have grown to mean the world to that person. From the first day you met her, when you saved her life, she would have followed you to the edges of the galaxy if you asked. All she wishes to do is take away any pain that you feel, to hold you in her arms and let you know that everything… is simply going to be okay. That you are no longer alone and that you have many friends who care for you a great deal in return. I can see how much you mean to the team. I only wish you could see that, and understand that there are many more out there, who watch your every move, and find you an inspiration, to make themselves a better person. There are those who believe in you, believe in your command, and believe that you will lead us to victory. And they will follow you to the end.

And that there is one person, amongst them all, who is beginning to… fall in love with you. If not already in love with you. I know I'm being silly. That you couldn't possibly fall in love with someone who wears a mask and a suit. A human falling in love with a quarian? It's nonsense. But I can't help how I feel. You are the bravest, most courageous man I have ever met in my life, yet at the same time you ally that with unbelievable kindness and generosity, not just to your friends, but even your enemies. You are decent, honourable man, John Shepard. You have shown me nothing but kindness ever since that first day we met. You have gone out of your way to make sure I am safe and always under your protection. Yet, it's also the little things that you do. You make me laugh. You make me smile. You have shared things with me that you have not shared with anyone else. You make me feel incredibly special. You are my knight in shining armour, the hero who saves the day time and again, and would normally get the girl. But… alas, it's just not meant to be. The heart wants what it wants but sometimes… well…"

Tali sighed, but smiled to herself, as she stood up, looking over Shepard one last time as he quietly slept, before she turned and exited the room. The group had waited down in hangar bay near engineering. They were all waiting for Tali to return, all turning as she walked out of the elevator.

"How is he?" asked Alenko.

"He's sleeping, Kaidan," she answered.

"How on earth did you do it?" asked Chakwas.

Tali could only shrug her shoulders. She didn't really understand it either. She knew her own feelings for Shepard. She knew he cared for her a great deal in return. But she never expected for them to be anything more than friends, though she was aware they were incredibly close. But at least he always made her feel protected and safe.

"Doctor, you may want to check his hands when he wakes up. He had a couple of very deep cuts. I've put some medi-gel on them, but it may be worth just checking them," explained Tali.

"Thank you, Tali, I'll make sure he at least comes to see me about that."

"Cuts? What was he doing?" asked Kaidan.

Tali explained what happened and what she saw. "He's taking it very badly," she ended.

The group could only nod. One or two had smiled ever so slightly when Tali explained the hug and the two of them lying together. There was no point leaving anything out. But they all knew the pressure the Commander was under. The stresses and strains of command. Everyone had their breaking point. The sacrifice of Ashley, after everything else he had to deal with – Kahoku, Cerberus, ExoGeni, his past - was the final straw for Shepard. But at least, for now, he was calm.

"We'd better keep an eye on him," suggest Kaidan, "Try and keep the stress down for a couple of days. He's had plenty to deal with over the past few months. I'm surprised this hasn't happened earlier to be honest."

"The burden of command," added Garrus, "No-one is invincible. Those in charge are left having to make the impossible choices, those which may result in the loss of those that may be closest to themselves."

The group looked at Garrus in surprise at his choice of words. Most of the time they expected a joke from the turian. Garrus could only shrug his shoulders in response.

"I think what our turian friend is saying is that, at the end of the day, the Commander is only human," explained Alenko, "Tali, you have our thanks for dealing with that. I don't know how you do it, but it works, so thank you. For now, I think we should just get back to our stations. Try and take our minds off everything. I'm not sure if any one of us can sleep at the moment. Garrus, why don't you work over… you know… at the armoury."

Garrus just nodded, as the group split up and returned to their stations. No-one went to sleep early that night.

Doctor Chakwas was sitting at her desk in the medical bay, deep in thought, the next morning. In her hand was a datapad containing the Commander's medical history. According to every medical examination since his entry into the Alliance, he'd had a clean bill of health. He was by no means a perfect specimen of humanity, but physically he was in the top echelons of strength and agility. His fitness was almost second to none.

Chakwas placed the datapad on the desk and picked up another one. This was the Commander's psychological profile. Data included his numerous interviews with superior officers, doctors, psychologists. No-one had any major concerns about the Commander. He showed remarkable intelligence considering his background and lack of official education. He had supreme self-confidence in his own abilities. There were numerous commendations, particularly from Captain Anderson, regarding his conduct as an Officer and a Commanding Officer.

Chakwas placed the datapad after reading the information and picked up the third and last datapad. This was of her own notes from her time on the Normandy so far while Shepard was the Commanding Officer. She had spoken with most of the crew over the months since the team had been assembled. One thing was obvious right away. Everyone was delighted to be working with Commander Shepard. As a team, they performed like clockwork. Chakwas was amazed at how little time she spent patching up the various maladies that affected a combat unit, considering the amount of fire he and his squad usually came under. Then there was the amount of pride and respect they had in the Commander, particularly as a soldier, which was absolute.

But there was a concern that Chakwas had picked up in her conversations with Tali. She had not been explicit in detail, but she was obviously concerned about Shepard. Chakwas could tell from the way she spoke that it was not just concern as a colleague, but there were deeper feeling residing as to why she wanted to help. The issues Tali mentioned were of those which Chakwas was already aware, such as their constant run-ins with Cerberus, links with the past that appeared out of nowhere, and then there was the main mission. Tali was simply worried about everything on his plate. As she said during their talks, he's only human and can't possibly deal with all this alone. Can he?

Chakwas placed the datapad on her table, stood up and walked out of the medical bay, striding with purpose across the mess towards the Commander's door. She knocked. There was no response for a few moments.

"Enter," replied a voice.

Chakwas entered to see Shepard sat on the edge of his bed. He was dressed in his standard uniform. His hands were still both bandaged up. He looked up at Chakwas, his eyes hollow, his face gaunt, waves of sadness emanating from him. Chakwas immediately thought he looked terrible, a man under immense stress.

"Commander," she said softly, "Could you come with me please?"

Shepard just nodded and stood up, Chakwas turning and walking out of his quarters, back across the mess and into the medical bay. Shepard followed only a couple of steps behind. Chakwas silently gestured to the chair across from her own. Shepard sat down with a sigh.

"Commander, we need to talk."

"About what?"

"Remember when you first took command, and you advised Ashley to come speak to me about what happened on Eden Prime?"

"I remember."

"I think you should take some of your own advice."

Chakwas watched Shepard digest the words just spoken. Half of her thought he would just get up and walk out. The other half actually expected him to simply break down completely. She thought he looked an utterly broken man. The recent events, the strain of the mission he had undertaken, appears to be taking its toll on him.

"What do you want me to say, Doctor? Yesterday I just had to sacrifice one of the bravest soldiers I've ever known. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't my fault. It was that... It was that fucking turian asshole… How can I live with a decision like that, Doctor? Explain that to me? I know that, as a commanding officer, I sometimes have to make those sort of decisions. But to sacrifice a soldier, Ashley, to nuclear fire…"

Chakwas watched as Shepard balled his hands into fists, his face distort into nothing but uncontrolled rage, then wince as he remembered the cuts on his hands, laying his hands out flat on his legs again. She watched as he calmed, taking a deep breath and composing himself.

"Commander, I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not going to pretend to be one. So I'm going to ask one simple question. How do you feel?"

Shepard sat silently for a moment. Then, to her surprise, he burst out laughing. She watched as he laughed for at least a minute, before a tear or two started running down his cheeks. He wiped those away as he continued to laugh. Chakwas thought it actually seemed to do him some good, the colour returning to his cheeks. Chakwas couldn't help but grin slightly, though she knew the laughter wasn't due to happiness, as the laughter was laced with bitterness. "I can't remember the last time someone asked me that question, Doc. How do I feel? Honestly, I feel terrible. Absolutely terrible. Let's count down why. One. I'm on the trail of an utter mad-man, who apparently wants to ends life as we know it in the galaxy. Two. I'm backed by a Council who spoon-feed me bullshit and offer me next to no support, and either think I'm completely and utter bonkers regarding everything regarding the Reapers, or have their heads shoved so far up their own asses they can't see the truth. Three, I'm humanity's one and only hope regarding being a Spectre, with all of humanity expecting me to succeed, while I'm left feeling that the rest of the galaxy would love to see me fail… at least as far as being a Spectre is concerned. And, fourth and finally, just yesterday, I had to sacrifice Ashley Williams on Virmire as a nuclear weapon exploded. So, yeah, if I'm going to be blunt, I feel absolutely fucking wonderful at the moment."

"Commander, you know you have a team out there who respect and believe in you. Who trust you as a Commander, but more importantly, as a human being. But they are also there to support you. They are more than aware of the toll this is taking on you, not just physically, but psychologically as well."

"I'm not their responsibility, Doctor. They are my responsibility. It is called the burden of command for a reason. I am their Commander. It is my job to keep them functioning as individuals, and as a team, and make sure they go home alive."

"That's not what I'm talking about, Commander. And can you say that you are functioning at one hundred percent at the moment?"

"What do you mean then?"

"I speak with your team from time to time, Commander. Whether in an official capacity or not. Tali has spoken to me a few times. She's… worried, about some of the events that have happened. Personal issues that you have had to deal with. And how you deal with things in your own way…"

Chakwas watching Shepard shuffled slightly in his seat, almost as if uncomfortable at the mention of her name and to what Chakwas was insinuating. "What has she said?"

"She's just concerned, Commander. She's just a sweet girl who obviously cares a great deal about her Commander. We have spoken from time to time. The first was after what happened on Agebinium."

"I know she cares, Doc. She's a good friend. She's been a confidant for me many times."

"Commander, the team know you take pride in doing everything you can to help them out. However, despite you being their leader, it's still a two-way street. It may help opening up to them, even just a little bit. Talk to them, not just Tali, and not as officer and subordinate. Off-the-record. As two people, friends, who simply want to converse. It doesn't have to be anything serious or in-depth. But you may find you'll relieve yourself of some of the stress you are no doubt under."

Shepard nodded. "I'll take that under advisement, Doc."

"Good. Now, get up on that bed behind you and I'm going to run a couple of tests, plus I want to check those cuts on your hand."

"Yes, ma'am," replied Shepard, a real grin finally spreading across his face, as he stood up and sat up on the bed.

Chakwas keyed her omni-tool and started checking over the Commander. Despite everything, physically at least, he appeared fine. "What's the plan now, Commander?"

"Head back to the Citadel and report to the Council. The end-game approaches."