Chapter 38
Enchanting Things
"Sebastian?"
"Hummel?"
"I have to ask you a question."
"…holy Hell. Wait. I need this on tape or on Facebook. See? People can come to me for questions too! I'm not a complete asshole."
"…Sebastian. Important question here."
"Of course, Hummel. You have my complete and undivided attention."
"Are you looking at porn?"
"Besides that, you have my complete and undivided attention. You will have more of it if you shake your hips for a bit."
"Sebastian, am I enchanting and charming?"
"No."
"…this is why nobody comes to you for questions, Sebastian. I want to be enchanting. Let me enchant you."
"…don't come any closer to me, Prince Charming. I carry a rape whistle."
"—is that even vital? You have sex with just about anything that moves."
"…well, there was my paralysed ex-boyfriend so your statement isn't very valid."
"…Sebastian, come on. I enchant things, right?"
"Yes, of course. You enchanted this slice of toast right in front of me."
"I think you just ate my enchanted piece of toast."
"…no, I was just showing him my equally enchanting stomach."
"Your enchanting stomach that is full of pepsin and carbonic acid? How enchanting can something that burns and kills things be?"
"…now you understand why it's so hard for me to call you enchanting."
"What if I lay down like this in this very charming manner?"
"Get off my table. I was watching Grey's Anatomy."
"What if I show you my enchanting anatomy?"
"After this season."
"…ugh! Sebastian, I must be enchanting. I mean, today, when I was walking to get return my pants, a small child stared into my enchanting rear and his eyes widened."
"I'm pretty sure that's because the tag of your seven-hundred dollar jeans was still on. I think he fainted, realising that people can be so shallow and materialistic."
"Says the boy that decided to have sex with my dad's client just so he can be your sugar Daddy."
"…I just wanted his watch."
"…Sebastian."
"It was a nice watch. I can tell the time now. Did you know that a whole minute is sixty seconds? Really? You know what I can do in sixty seconds?"
"...um. Microwave butter?"
"…yes. And now, I understand what those thingies on my microwave mean."
"What a lovely experience. So, what I understand is that you're enchanted by a microwave but you're not enchanted by my lovely rear?"
"…pretty much. Yeah."
"I'll enchant you right now."
-After sex-
"How enchanting was I, Sebastian?"
"Shh. I wasn't paying attention. Look at Meredith. This is an intense season, Hummel. Get your cock out of my ass."
"…why am I not enchanting?"
"Do you really want me to make you enchanting?"
"…yes. I would! Please!"
"Go to your drawer. The one where you keep useless cheap shit."
"My thousand dollar hair products?"
"Yeah. That. And you'll find something with my name labelled on it. Apply. And you will enchant things."
-Applies- "Sebastian, I don't understand why this is…Finn? What are you doing here?"
"Kurt, you smell really good."
"Sebastian."
"I told you that you can enchant things, Hummel."
"Sebastian, why do I smell like bacon?"
xo Peanut Butter/Sam