Dreams of Love
Chapter 38: Tough all Over
Meredith toweled her hair and dressed in warm, black, slim fit slacks. She topped them with a crisp, long sleeved, black and lavender shirt, detailed with double breast pockets and onyx snaps. She carefully avoided her face in the mirror as she hooked onyx earrings in her earlobes, and slid a matching bracelet over her wrist. Meredith meticulously zipped up black, high heeled boots over her pant legs and loaded her waistband and pockets with her intern gear. She wasn't on duty, but she wanted to text message Zachary later, or possibly phone him. She didn't want to miss any pages from Derek either. She focused on the details so she didn't have to think about...
She made up her face lightly and finished drying her hair. It turned out that vomiting on the roof in the whipping wind wasn't a good idea. Unless, of course, she counted having a legitimate excuse to avoid Ellis a little longer. She sighed and condemned herself for being a coward. Mer draped her large, black, wool scarf around her shoulders, and, step by step, made her way back to Ellis' room.
I have to, I have to, I have to.
The dreadful little phrase beat through her mind with each step. Dr. Burke and Dr. Yang were there when she peeked around the door. Burke was explaining the necessity of heart surgery to Ellis.
"Tachycardia is usually controlled by oral medication, Dr. Burke. Why are you recommending surgery?" interrogated Dr. Grey, sharply, smoothing her hair.
"Because you have coronary artery disease, as well as tachycardia. The two combined together make it imperative that you take the meds daily, but Meredith tells us the Alzheimer's makes you particularly difficult..." Cristina explained callously.
"Dr. Yang," Burke used her name to give Cristina a small rebuke, as sick comprehension dawned on Dr. Grey's face.
"What if I...," Ellis paused to gather herself, and then said more strongly, "What if I refuse the surgery and the meds? That would be better... the best choice really."
"You can't refuse," said Cristina, just as callously as before.
At Burke's impatient scowl, Cristina said defensively, "Well, it's true," then she turned to Ellis and explained, "Meredith has power of attorney for your medical care, so, technically, the decision is hers, not yours."
She at least had the grace to soften her delivery of the last statement. Ellis blanched and pushed back against her pillows. Her throat worked hard as she attempted to swallow the unpalatable lack of control that was her life.
"I will tell Meredith..."
"No, Mom, I won't let you refuse the surgery," Meredith stated as firmly as she could, while hovering in the doorway, "Dr. Burke, I'll sign the consent."
Cristina handed her the clipboard and Meredith signed the familiar forms, ignoring the next tidal wave on the horizon.
"So, I have no say?" Ellis glared and pressed her lips together in a thin line.
"No, Mom, you don't," Meredith licked her dry lips and held her ground, even as the wave roared closer.
"Yes... well," muttered Burke, "We'll leave you to talk."
Burke and Yang looked uncomfortably back and forth between the two stubborn, dark and twisty Grey women and started to ease their way from the room.
"Why?!" Ellis demanded before they made good their escape, "Is it some kind of revenge to keep me as a crazy woman in Bedlam?! That's what this is all about, isn't it, Meredith?! You've always blamed me for sending you to boarding schools. They disciplined you when I couldn't, and you've always resented it. You said Switzerland was a nightmare, and now you have the chance to make me live my worst nightmare."
Meredith looked at her mother incredulously. The crashing tsunami once again tumbled words crazily in her brain, and disconnected her tongue. Tears misted her eyes, as she absorbed once again how little regard her mother had for her. She struggled to form words under crushing pressure.
Burke and Cristina looked at each other in shock.
"Dr. Grey, even I know your daughter better than that," said Dr. Burke, frowning at Ellis, "To my knowledge, she has always taken the best possible care of you."
"Then let me go. I don't want to live like this," Ellis said stubbornly, her nostrils flaring and the lines around her mouth deepening.
"Mommy, you have to live," Meredith twisted her hands and forced herself to speak, "Medicine makes advances every day. A treatment for Alzheimer's could be developed at any time. I have hope, Mom.
"You have a daughter and a son who want a future with you. In fact, we can call Zachary right now. He lives with Guiseppe, since his family died. He'll want to say hello to you," Meredith concentrated on remembering Zachary's last hug and kiss as he bravely said goodbye to her before he left for Rome.
In frustration, Ellis turned her face away to stare out the window, ignoring Meredith and not even deigning to acknowledge that she even heard Zachary's name.
"Mom... Mom, please, at least give me a message for Zachary, he's just a little boy," Meredith pleaded impotently, fighting to work her way through her top five list, a tear trickling down her ashen cheek.
Ellis stubbornly shook her head 'no'. Meredith swiped the tear with the edge of her scarf and sucked back the rest. They would only provoke her mother's contempt, not her mercy.
"You asked what happened to me, Mom... You said you were disappointed that I was so ordinary," Meredith said, her voice breaking with sorrow, and her face blanked.
Burke's eyebrows raised high over his square framed glasses. He looked at Cristina who shrugged and nodded slightly.
"Maybe I am... Maybe I'm just too ordinary to be okay... with... killing my mother," Meredith stumbled over the words, "Don't ask me to. We have so little time left and so much to say to each other. Please..."
Ellis Grey lay back against her pillows and pulled the covers up to her chest.
"I'm tired," she said resolutely, and closed her eyes dismissively.
Burke and Yang managed to escape at that point, and Meredith sat, miserably silent, next to her mom. Her list evaporated into nothing. She didn't know what to say anymore. She'd never known what to say. Nothing she said mattered anyway. Her heart ached for her little brother, whose mother couldn't be bothered to say one positive thing to him in his whole life. Then she let herself get it that her mother couldn't be bothered to say one positive thing to her either. She stared at her pale, long fingered hands twisting her scarf into a knot.
Dr. Shepherd, followed by Dr. Stevens, came bustling into the room at his normal fast pace. He smiled his ridiculously gorgeous smile and nodded to Meredith, but she was emotionally unable to respond with more than a sad look. Izzie glanced between them and frowned when she saw Derek taking Meredith's apparent indifference personally. Derek hadn't heard the revealing shouting match earlier. He also hadn't seen Cristina's face and hand signal in the hallway to Izzie as they passed. There was more going on here than Meredith and her mother sitting in a semi-calm silence.
"Dr. Grey, I'm Dr. Shepherd, I'm the doctor who placed you on the experimental treatment program for Alzheimer's. This is Dr. Stevens, the intern who is currently on my service. You asked for a consult?"
Derek smiled charmingly at Meredith's mother. He'd always done good parent and good patient, so he didn't expect any trouble now. He knew Meredith had had a hard time with her mom. He knew Dr. Grey had done some almost criminally negligent things to Meredith. He hated a lot of what he knew of Ellis. But now, all he saw was a sick woman with Meredith and Zachary's beautiful big eyes, his girl's mom, having a miracle day of lucidity.
Meredith gazed mutely at her handsome boyfriend. He was so naïve. In this, she was the expert and he was the innocent. He'd never dealt with a person like Ellis Grey before and there was nothing she could say to warn him. Ellis Grey had ways – ways of diminishing self-esteem, ways of casting doubt, ways of hurting Meredith and the people she loved. Meredith braced herself for the explosion.
"Yes, please explain the program to me, doctor, and tell me why you thought I was a good candidate for it," Ellis said pleasantly.
Izzie sat next to Meredith and leaned close to murmur to her when Shepherd sat on the side of Ellis' bed answering her questions.
"Are you okay, Meredith?" Izzie asked, watching Ellis cautiously.
"Yeah, Iz. I'm fine," Meredith said, breathing through the pressure clamping her chest and throat.
They looked at each other. They both thought about the dozens of times Izzie had said she was 'fine', after Denny died, in the same tone of voice Meredith had just used. 'Fine' was code for 'I hurt like hell. I'm bearing it, and there's nothing anyone can do to help me'.
"Let me know, Mer, if you stop being 'fine'," Izzie offered.
"'Kay, Iz, thanks."
Meredith had the same feeling in her gut watching Derek and Ellis as she'd once had watching Dylan carry a live bomb. The only difference was that Derek didn't know there was an unexploded bazooka shell in his capable hands. Pink mist... she didn't want whatever she had with Derek to turn to pink mist. She valued whatever they had – whatever it was – okay, it was a ship, yeah, a real relationship, in full sail.
I love him so much, and he loves me, she thought quietly, deep inside, where no one could hear her.
She surreptitiously knocked on the wooden table next to her, anyway, so as not to tempt fate.
"Thank you, doctor. Frankly, I don't know how you do it," said Ellis.
"What?" asked Derek.
"Specialize in treating Alzheimer's. I know I couldn't have done it. It's such a horrific disease," commented Ellis.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought Meredith told you. I'm the head of neurosurgery here at Seattle Grace. I'm not an Alzheimer's specialist," Derek explained, glancing at Meredith and Izzie.
Ellis focused sharply at that. She scrutinized first Meredith, then Derek with a piercing look. Her face morphed into Mommy Dearest in one second flat. Meredith and Izzie froze.
"So why, exactly, were you interested in my case, Dr. Shepherd?" Ellis Grey hissed dangerously, but still with overtones of pleasantry.
"I was just doing a favor for Meredith, Dr. Grey, that's all," Derek, caught the underlying displeasure, but shrugged one shoulder and smiled charmingly at Ellis and then at Meredith. She could have told him that wouldn't win him any points.
"I... see. You're the one she was babbling about. You're one of them," Ellis studied Shepherd with a gimlet glare, "You're not here for me – to offer me hope. You're here for Meredith."
"What? One of who?" Shepherd asked, confused.
"An attending. A neurosurgeon! A man approaching forty, having an early mid-life crisis, taking advantage of a stupid girl in her twenties who parties every weekend. Knowing her, you probably met in a bar, right? I'm sure that much hasn't changed," Ellis said in disgust.
Derek frowned, looked uncertainly at Meredith, and tried to interrupt. But, Ellis was well into her diatribe, ignoring both Derek's and Meredith's attempts to stop her. Izzie held her breath. No one ever said Ellis Grey was slow on the uptake.
"You feed off the fawning admiration in her eyes and steal her youth. You're her boss, her teacher, and you twisted that position of authority for your own ends," Ellis lambasted him, "What's wrong with you, Dr. Shepherd?"
"Mom!"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Dr. Grey," Derek managed, "I love your daughter."
"Something has to be wrong with you. Meredith only attracts losers. What? You're a womanizer, you're secretly gay, you're married, you're a closet boozer, what? Oh, I saw that. You're married. Get out," then Ellis looked at Meredith to scathingly say, "Your taste hasn't improved."
Izzie was shocked at how Dr. Grey had ferreted out the truth so quickly, but had put her own horribly negative spin on everything. Poor Meredith, growing up with a mom who had a mind like a steel trap and a heart that rivaled the Grinch. Izzie saw that Derek looked both appalled and embarrassed. She felt sorry for the whopping doubt she saw in his eyes after everything he and Meredith had been through, throughout their relationship.
"Mom!" Meredith jumped to her feet, "Enough! You want a punching bag?! Here I am. I'm used to it. But, you leave Derek alone. I won't let you speak to him like that!
"Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Stevens... thank you for the consult. I'm sorry... but my mother isn't up to any more company... Please leave now," Meredith said politely, her face strained and her eyes red with tears shed and unshed. She pulled deep within herself, letting her dark and twisty side come protectively to the front, and sat back down in the chair. She draped an extra blanket over her legs and waited. She had to stay here while Ellis was lucid, just in case...
Just in case what, Meredith? said D&T Meredith, Do you really think there's a chance in hell that your mommy will take advantage of this one last moment of lucidity to say she loves you? ... that she's proud of you? ... that she's grateful for the care you've given her? ... that she's sorry... for anything? ... that she approves of anything you've ever done in your whole life? You are such a fool.
"Meredith," Derek stroked a hand over her dark honey hair, as he had hundreds of times before. He was horrified inside, like he'd just had front row seats to the lions feeding at the Roman Colosseum.
"Not now, Derek," Meredith said the same words to Derek that he'd said ad infinitum to Addison.
He was shocked at how much it hurt.
Is this what Addison felt? Karma's a bitch. Meredith won't even look at me.
Izzie watched Meredith shut down almost completely, and Derek once again take it very personally. There was nothing else she could do but get on with her day. She touched Derek on the sleeve and indicated she was leaving. He nodded and then squatted in front of Meredith, ignoring Ellis as completely as she ignored her daughter.
"Meredith, I have to go. I have surgery, an aneurysm repair that's not going to wait," he said.
He could also have said that he needed some time before the surgery to compose himself. He was still bleeding from the deep slash wounds Ellis had given him with surgical precision. Derek reeled from his experience of a lucid Ellis Grey, and he was a grown man. He couldn't imagine how it must have been for Meredith, as a child. Maybe most of the boarding schools had been a good idea.
"I know, Derek, I'll see you later," Meredith let herself surface enough to touch his black curls like a talisman, and then sank back, into the cold, dark depths of her old survivalist world.
She wasn't drowning. She knew how to live here. It was just that this morning she'd thought she'd never have to swim the pitiless black undersea cave of painful worthlessness again. This morning seemed very distant now. She was humiliated and embarrassed by what Ellis had said to Derek, but she'd known the explosion was inevitable. Derek didn't look like pink mist when he left and that had to be enough for now. Maybe they could deal with lesser injuries.
After Derek left, Meredith sat with her mother for hours. She got her an extra blanket and pillow. She chose favorite foods for Ellis for lunch, and later for dinner. She text messaged Zach and a ghost of a smile flitted across her face at his reply. Finally, she walked out into the hallway and paced, trying to build up her fortitude for one more, last ditch attempt to genuinely communicate with her mother. This time she would do the talking and her mother would just have to listen. She hovered in the doorway, trying to force herself inside.
"People who hover in doorways...," Ellis finally spoke.
"Are coming from nowhere and heading nowhere. You said that to me a lot growing up," Meredith replied, her voice almost hoarse from inner strain.
"You hovered in a lot of doorways," Ellis said in matter of fact tones.
Meredith took a deep breath and entered the room. It may as well have been the Valley of Death.
"Mom, I'm asking you to listen to me, and really hear me. I won't ask you for anything else ever again, I swear. We've had our differences over the years, but I guess that's not important now. I suppose the only thing that's really important is that I love you. I love you, Mom. You don't have to love me. You don't have to love Zachary. I get that you can't. I want to wait for possible medical advances in the future so that I can have another chance with you, but maybe that's just me being selfish again. Maybe that's not fair to you, so I agree. It's your life. If you want to refuse treatment, I'll agree to it," Meredith painfully ground to a halt, harshly cleared her throat, and looked down for a moment trying to regroup.
When her mother said nothing, Meredith sighed and said, "Mom?"
Ellis twisted a finger in her watchband and said, "You look like my daughter."
Meredith gazed, stricken, at her brain damaged, non-lucid mother and the tears she'd been stifling all day fell in torrents down her pale face. After a moment, she stumbled into the hall blindly.
She bumped into a strong young body and a voice well above her head said, "Dr. Grey, are you alright?"
Meredith looked up into Nurse Tyler's concerned face and said, "Please take care of my mother. She's reverted to non-lucidity."
"Yes, ma'am," Tyler said as he watched her turn away and almost run down the hallway. He glanced at Ellis and then at Dr. Grey's fleeing back and shook his head in regret.
Meredith swiped her face with her scarf again and made herself suck it up as much as possible. The 'gift' had been one of the most painful experiences she'd had with her mother in the last five years, and heaven knew there'd been a lot of them. Her one thought was to get home. She needed her bed and solitude where no prying, curious, or even compassionate eyes could see her. She needed to pass out for eight solid hours in blessed oblivion before she had to handle one more thing. For once, she didn't want Derek. She didn't want him or anyone else she knew to see her once again shredded by so-called family. There'd been too much of that. She managed to get to her locker without being stopped.
Meredith tiredly opened her locker, put on her black wool car coat, and pulled out her huge black tote purse. She used her big purses in place of her small duffel for her stuff occasionally. She emptied several sets of dirty scrubs into her bag, along with socks, and underwear. Then she grabbed her two lab coats. One of them clunked metallically against the side of the locker. She almost ignored it and then, with stray thoughts of ruining electronics in her washing machine berating her, she reached into the lab coat pocket to pull out her mace and her knife. She stuffed them in her car coat pockets and slammed her locker shut.
She stopped and leaned against it for a moment. Her heart felt so bruised and sore. She needed to go home.
Meredith trudged through the lobby and out into the drizzling cold rain. It suited her mood. She held her face up to the heavy, low, grey clouds she fancifully thought were weeping for her because her own tears weren't helping. Meredith reached in her pocket for her keys and looked right, searching for where she'd parked.
Out of the corner of her eye she caught a rushing black movement behind her. It was a moment of stark clarity. Everything slowed to a snail's pace. She had time to realize that the rapist was on her. Over and over, Meredith had listened to the victim accounts of the attacks. She knew his moves, like she'd know her partner's moves in ballroom dancing.
She dodged sideways and threw up her thick, enormous purse, just as his first slashing blow struck deep. It sliced through her purse, but missed her. Her scrubs and lab coats had shielded her. Meredith's fingers were on her car keys. As her attacker swore and jerked at his knife, she frantically pressed every button, finally setting off her car alarm. She whirled, hoarsely screaming, swinging her purse into his head. She tried to run, as her self-defense sensei had instructed Alex and her repeatedly when they'd taken lessons a few months ago, but he grabbed her coat and slashed again, scoring her side.
The icy burning pain was a shock, but it didn't even come near the pain in her heart. Meredith now knew she couldn't run. She had to stand her ground. She had to fight. The knife in her attacker's hand glittered savagely in the weak parking lot light as he brought it down again. Meredith cried out in shocked pain.
She twisted and bent and rolled him over her hip with leverage and his own forward momentum as she'd practiced dozens of times on Alex. Black spots were dancing in her peripheral vision and her breath sawed harshly in and out. She was going to pass out. He was too strong and too determined. She'd only avoided his attack this far through prior knowledge, a couple tricks, and sheer luck.
She backed away frantically and her pocket clunked metallically against a parked car. The man came at her again, and tripped over her big purse. It would have been comedic at any other time. He viciously cursed and kicked her bag away. He started promising her in graphic detail what he was going to do to her. The memory of Myra, and Jenine, and Sarah galvanized her.
Meredith's hands closed on mace in one pocket and her knife in the other. A flick opened the blade, and Surgeon Grey was empowered by the small, scalpel sharp steel. She had one chance. As the rapist stabbed again, Meredith stepped into him rather than avoiding him, surprising him, stabbing with one hand and spraying with the other.
He gave an awful roar and slammed the side of her head. Meredith went down then, terribly hurt, almost unconscious. Her empty hands touched the icy wet pavement, and then scrabbled at her waistband. She didn't know where the rapist was, but her addled wits knew what to do. Rough hands grabbed her feet and pulled her over the ground. She opened her cell and pressed two very familiar buttons blindly with her thumb, keeping the cell at her side.
Seven thousand miles away, on another continent, a ten year old little boy woke, and groggily answered his phone.
"Meredith? Are you alright? Meredith?"
Meredith frantically held on to her cell as she was thrown against something wet and hard. With all her remaining strength, in a move that made sense to her battered brain and dimming consciousness, she rolled and pressed her mouth onto the cell.
"G... g... glumpy..."