CH 38: For those still out on Patrol

Kodiak Shuttle (On approach to Alchera)

James stared darkly out of the window as the shuttle came into land. He'd told the pilot to stay behind on this one and was using the autopilot VI, against regulations but he didn't care. He needed to do this alone.

The shuttle touched down at the pre-programed co-ordinates for the crash site in a snow storm. The door slid open and James stepped out onto the frozen surface of Alchera.

It was a bleak, windswept world, heavy snow was falling and a driving wind was gusting hard piling the snow into deep drifts. Looking around it wasn't hard to see evidence of the crash, he was surrounded by the shattered remains of the SSV Normandy SR-1.

Space farers are a superstitious group, anyone who had served on board a ship will tell you they are living things, they have hearts and souls. This goes double for warships, you live in them, eat, breath, sleep within them and tiny changes will affect your life in the deepest ways. When you fight on the ship the ship fights as one with the entire efforts of the crew focused towards defeating the enemy.

James was not a spiritual man, he was an arch pragmatist and knew in his head it was all an illusion created by the collective camaraderie of a ship's crew. There was nothing supernatural about it, just an expression of the comradeship of those aboard.

But in his heart he couldn't deny he felt it, ships were alive.

But the SR-1 was now dead. Shot out from under them by their enemy. His ship had been killed.

His ship…..his crew.

James didn't feel anger at that, just heavy hearted and deeply responsible.

He bowed his head, took a deep breath and then began his grim task.

Moving through the wreckage Shepard kept his rifle held low, no matter that there was no indication of a threat he wasn't going to let his guard down.

He slowly moved through the desolate scene, the Normandy had come down on an icy plateau beneath a dark mountain which loomed overhead like a monolith.

Amid the broken hull and torn superstructure James found other items. A fragment of a broken plate from the galley, a boot from someone's foot locker, a rifle from the armoury, it's barrel missing and it's stock bent out of shape.

Scattered amongst them, the personal items of the crew, these were the hardest for him to look at. These had been the treasured possessions of his ship mates, his friends, his crew.

A broken white mug reading 'Galaxy's best Dad' in big red letters, a pocket knife with a well-worn handle, a broken vid-novel it's screen cracked, a small teddy bear lying on his back, half buried in the snow, a forlorn expression on his face.

James reached down and picked this bear up in his hand, and directly underneath found the first body. He looked at the face he recognised, frozen in death, and bowed his head softly. Then he reached down and pulled away the man's dog tags and marked his bodies exact position in his suits navigational system to pass to the Alliance.

Shepard carried on his lonely task moving slowly through the snow looking for the tell-tale silver gleam of dog tags in the snow. Every now and then when he saw it he'd bend down and brush the snow from the face of another one of his dead crew. Each time he would look at them, memories of these people flashing through his mind. Each time his spirits sank lower and lower as he put a human face to the name and number.

Eventually he came to the main section of the hull. The ship had torn roughly in half with the centre section blasted or ripped completely away.

James stepped inside what was left of the forward section of deck two and walked forward towards the bridge. He found another body about half way along the passageway, a woman her body stiff and blue. James knew her instantly, it was Monica Negulesco. James gently reached down and closed her eyes and then took her dog tags.

He walked into the remains bridge, Joker's kingdom….former kingdom. He had a momentary flash back to the times he'd been up here, watching Joker fly the ship as if it was child's play and smiled.

Heading back out into the snowy wasteland he found the bodies of several more of his crew, collecting their dog tags. One of them had been crushed by a crate which he had to smash with the stock of his rifle to get to Ray Tanaka's dog tags.

Walking further on he found their old Mako transport, it's nose and front wheels half buried within the ice. James smiled fondly, in spite of the abuse he'd heaped upon the machine in the past it had never got him down. He thought back to all their missions in it, and all the time she'd found Garrus tinkering with the damn thing while he and Wrex exchanged insults and abuse. Initially heartfelt and ang, then with begrudging respect, then for the show of it and finally and most vehemently as friends.

Around the corner he found two more bodies, taking their dog tags. The second one, Alexei Dubyansky, was in the remains of the CIC which lay open to the elements, the hull had been completely ripped away.

James was about to move one when he found a data pad beneath the remains of the map table, and next to it another body lying face down. James knew who it was before he knelt down and gently turned him over.

"Hi Pressly" he said softly to his dead navigator, not knowing what else to say. He shook his head, "I'm sorry Charles" he said after a moment, his navigator might have been a cantankerous bastard on occasion but he was a good man and a friend. It wasn't right or fair that Pressly had died and James had lived.

But then no-one had said life was fair.

With a sigh James took Pressly's dog tags, he opened up the data pad out of interest. It was Pressly's diary, he felt slightly guilty but his curiosity won over and he skimmed through it.

The first entry was Pressly venting his anger at Shepard for bringing aliens on board the Normandy in the first place, this wasn't surprising, Pressly had made it clear at the time he disagreed vehemently with James's decision and didn't like non-humans.

But what made James smile and shake his head with rueful happiness was the last entry in the journal, it seemed that Pressly's opinions had come full circle, he'd admitted that he'd been wrong and that he had a new found respect for them all. One phrase in particular stood out.

'I am proud to say [CORRUPT]die for any member of this crew, regardless of what world they were born on.'

James grinned in spite of the situation, reading that phrase made him remember all the work they'd done to make the team pull together last time. It gave him hope they could do it again.

He laid the data pad down and rose, his grin falling away as he set about completing his grim task.

He walked along the frozen ground finding several more bodies, scaling over the rocks and icy cliffs to get to his crew where they lay. Then he swept systematically through the torn remains of hull sections.

Inside the central section of the ship, containing what had been the mess he stopped for a moment and sighed deeply as his eyes fell on the XO's control consul next to where the sleeping pods had been. He had a momentary flash back of Kaden standing there working diligently.

"I wish you were here old friend" he said softly, "I could use you now more than ever." He felt suddenly very tired and a little bitter. His people didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve this. For a moment he wished he'd never heard of the reapers, the collectors or anything of it. That he'd never joined the marines, that he'd never left earth. That he was still running small time cons in that urban hell hole.

James got a hold of himself. It didn't matter that he didn't want this, it didn't matter that he'd never asked for this. He was here, now he could make a difference and live or die he would make a difference. This was bigger than him. He didn't matter, it was what he could accomplish that did.

He found another body in there, gently closing the man's eyes and taking his tags before heading out into the snow again. In the back of his mind he knew that these faces would haunt his dreams for the rest of his life, but he deserved no less.

One by one James found the bodies of his fallen crew and collected their dog tags. Once again he had to smash crates to retrieve a body crushed underneath it. The broken remains of the men and women who'd been his crew and his friends were hard to look as but he made himself do it. He wouldn't dishonour their memory by looking away.

Emerging from the shadows James saw the remains of the super structure. He stepped out through the swirling snow and stared for a long moment at her name stencilled in stark white lettering, now smeared with dirt and grime and half buried in wreckage and drifting snow.

'Normandy. SR-1.'

James looked at the name for a long, long moment. She was broken, beaten and down but the sight of that name still made him feel a surge of pride. That name meant something.

James felt tears trickling down his cheeks inside his helmet and he blinked rapidly to clear his eyes as he silently promised that this ship and his crew would not have died in vain.

Buried in the snow at the base of the superstructure was the last of his dead crewman. James brushed the snow from the dead girl's face and looked into her cold, staring eyes before closing them gently. He took her dog tags and touched them gently to his heart, closed his eyes and exhaled slowly.

Looking up from where he was crouched at the superstructure with the name towering above him James decided that this was the place to put the monument. Walking swiftly to the shuttle he returned in a moment carrying the golden monument showing the Normandy rising up in flight. It was inscribed with the name of every member of the Normandy's crew who had fallen in battle.

After a moment's pause James unhooked his old N7 helmet and laid it down at the foot of the monument. Somehow it seemed appropriate to leave it here with the fallen. He placed the broken helmet down at the foot of monument, the shattered visor facing out, then he took something from his belt pouch and held it for a moment. He looked at the flash of gold with the blue and green ribbon.

He knelt at the foot of the monument and placed the Star of Terra on top of the golden plinth at the base of the monument, tying the ribbon around it. "This belongs to you, not me" he said softly.

James stepped backwards and looked up at the monument, the snow swirling round the base and the wreckage around it. He would pass the exact co-ordinates of each body to Alliance command but until they could spare a ship for a recovery mission to bring these men and women home they would have to lie in this place. It didn't feel at all right to leave them here but he had no choice.

He rose and turned his back on the monument and walked slowly towards the shuttle, the blizzard was getting heavier now, the snow swirling around him.

Normandy SR-2 (In orbit over Alchera):

Miranda glared out of the window, her foul temper not improved. The white ball of the ice planet below. "Commander Shepard's shuttle has departed the surface Officer Lawson."

"Acknowledged" she replied to the AI. She was so frustrated she would have ground her teeth if it wasn't so bloody undignified. The voice of Shepard in his head had been joined by the irritating yip of Kassumi.

Whatever else happened she was not going to apologies to Shepard, she had done nothing wrong and she was damned if she was going to take responsibility for their problems.

She caught herself and nearly swore, not 'their problems', the operation disconnect.

She turned around and stalked back to her desk, why did she put up with either of them they made her so angry. She had made some mistakes in the past, she was very aware of each and every one and she would even admit that Shepard might have made her re-consider some of her preconceptions. But she would be damned if she was going to take the responsibility for the chaos Jack caused and Shepard's short-sighted, stubborness. Damn them both.

It would have been fine except she kept coming back to what Kasumi had said,' If there's no emotion then why do you care?'

She put her head in her hands and glared angrily at the screen of her computer as if it would have all the answers.

She decided she was attacking this in the wrong away. She needed to take the emotion out of it and use cold logic to try and work out what to do. Drawing deep on her reserves of calm she summoned a stated of detachment. When she had cleared her mind Miranda started to break the problem down logically like any other, point by point.

Point one; she needed to re-establish a strong relationship with Shepard. For the sake of the mission.

Point two; she was undeniably angry with him.

Point three; Shepard was certainly tired and depressed at the moment. The mission to Alchera would be difficult for him to handle, given the strength of his attachment to his crew.

Point four; given his typical demeanour he was likely prepared to move past their differences from this latest fight…disagreement, but he would dig his heels in and refuse to change his view like the stubborn ass he was. He would refuse to listen to reason.

Point five; if she wanted to stay close with Shepard she would have to compromise and be content to tolerate that he disagreed with her assessment of that disaster at the Tetlin, of Cerberus and her opinion of the wisdom of keeping the human equivalent of an atomic bomb below engineering. She would need to move past that as well and meet him half way. She would not change her point of view or pretend to do so but would have to be prepared to put the argument behind them.

Point six; in other words…oh no, oh bloody hell no.

She could hear Kasumi's voice in the back of her mind, 'Have you considered swallowing your pride and forgiving him. You're so damn sensible why not show it?'

Damn it, damn it that irritating little…arrgh she hated it when Kasumi was right. But there was no denying it, Miranda believed in hard nose logic and it was telling her they only way to get what she needed was to forgive Shepard and let go of her anger and move on. She looked at the situation from every angle and no matter how she looked at it forgiving Shepard was the best option strategically.

She deliberately ignored the fact that little thought in the back of her mind that she didn't like being alone again. She ignored that she missed her relationship with Shepard and was prepared to compromise to re-acquire that closeness, that intimacy which she only now recognised how important it was to her by how keenly she felt its absence.

Irrespective of any attraction she felt for Shepheard, any biological factors pushing her towards him, it was the sensible tactical decision.

Damn it she hated being sensible sometimes.

One thing was sure, it would be a cold day in hell before she admitted to Kasumi she had been right about this one.

James stepped off of the Kodiak shuttle and exhaled heavily, he headed slowly up to the elevator, nodding to Grunt. "Battle master how do you fair" asked the young krogan.

"Very, very tired Grunt" replied James with a wan smile.

"Ha you need a good fight to get your blood flowing again battle master" laughed Grunt.

James smiled again and shook his head, "It'll come soon enough Grunt I can guarantee that. Mean time stay sharp."

Grunt nodded then continued in a hard tone, "We chase the enemy from the stars and bury them in the ruins of their empire. For your fallen clan."

James knew enough to know that this meant something important to the young krogan and in his way he was almost trying to be supportive. He smiled, gripped the krogan's shoulder, feeling strangely paternal despite the fact that he had to reach up to hold Grunt's shoulder, "For those still out on patrol" he said.

Grunt cocked his head, "What do you mean battle master."

"Old earth naval saying Grunt" he with a smile, "An old superstition. We go out on patrol, some of us don't come back. They're still out there on their final patrol and we must never forget that."

Grunt rolled his shoulders in a massive shrug, "You have strange traditions Battle Master, but I respect your honour of your dead."

James nodded, "Thanks Grunt I appreciate that, stay frosty I'll have a fight for you soon."

He went to the elevator and headed up to the CIC. Kelly Chambers was at her station by the galaxy map, "Commander, what can I do for you."

"Hi Kel" replied James with a nod, "It's a little dark but I need to make arrangements to have these delivered to alliance naval command on Arcturus Station, office of Admiral Steven Hackett. I'll write you out a letter to go with each of them."

From his webbing he produced the bundle of twenty dog tags which he carefully handed to Kelly. She took them with a nod, "Of course commander" she said looking down at the dog tags, counting them carefully. "Do you want you want to record the names first for the letters?"

"Jamin Bakari, Germeen Barrett, Addison Chase, Silas Crosby, the twins Rosamund and Talitha Draven."

She looked up to see James with his eyes closed, leaning back his brow furrowed; "Alexei Dubyansky, Hector Emerson, Robert Felawa, Harvey Gladstone, Caroline Grenado, Marcus Grieco, Orden Laflamme."

His voice remained level and calm as he listed the names but he opened his eyes and looked straight at her; "Helen Lowe, Monica Negulesco, Abishek Pakti, Charles Pressly, Mandira Rahman, Raymond Tanaka, Carlton Tucks, Amina Waaberi."

He gave her a tired, wan smile, "I don't need the tags to remember their names Kelly. Want me to continue, "Kaden Alenko, Richard Jenkins, Elizabeth White, Marshal Pharoah, Rab Singh. I can go on all day."

James saw curiosity waring with concern on her face, curiosity won eventually. 'Good' he thought 'Curiosity is good', "Who are the last three Commander?" she asked.

"The last three soldiers who died under my command before I joined the first Normandy" replied Shepard, "White was a sniper, a damn good one, then one dark night she met a better one. Pharoah was killed in a training accident cliff climbing, his rope broke and he fell and broke his neck. Singh was just unlucky, under heavy fire he zigged when he should have zagged and was blown up by a mine."

He looked Kelly hard in the eye, "I remember the names of every man and woman who has died under my command. I remember their faces and their voices and I remember exactly where I was when they died and exactly what happened."

He raised an eyebrow, "Surprised Kelly, everyone under my command is my responsibility. Anything that happens to them it's down to me, a failure on my part so yeah I remember every detail and I don't need dog tags for that. We'll send them to the families, maybe give them just a tiny amount of closure."

Kelly nodded, "Yes commander I'll make sure it gets done."

"Thanks. Just as well really, I suspect I'm high up on the XOs shit list at the moment" replied James.

"Oh that reminds me Commander, Officer Lawson would like a word" said Kelly brightly.

"I bet she would" said James with a sigh, "Okay can you get them to Alliance fleet command asap for me please."

"Will do commander" she replied with her usual bright smile, "Anything else?"

James shook his head, "That'll be all for now thanks Kel."

"Okay….Maybe we'll talk later" said Kelly and for a second James wondered again if there was some double meaning in her voice. Then he decided to get it together, stop living in fantasy land. He'd been avoiding Miranda for long enough, it was time to face the music.

First though he had one very important thing to do.

He headed up to his cabin and changed out of his armour, putting it away in his locker.

Then he opened up his ammo pouch and removed the little teddy bear he had found at the crash site and sat him on the table in his quarters.

He had decided this forlorn little bear would stay here, so that every morning when woke up and every night before he went to bed he would see it and remember the price of carelessness.

That done James turned and headed towards the elevator and his pissed off XO.

James entered Miranda's office, the doors hissed closed behind him and he couldn't help feeling that his escape route had been cut off. Squashing that thought down he approached her desk, "Miranda, Kelly said you wanted to see me."

Miranda nodded and leant back in her chair, looking him coolly in the eye.

James sighed "Okay Miranda whatever you have to say let me have it."

Miranda rose up from behind her desk and walked over without breaking eye contact. She topped directly in front of him, eye to eye and stood there holding his gaze for a long moment.

Then she leaned in, gripped his shoulder with her hand firmly and gently kissed him on the cheek. A soft, sweet kiss which she let linger for just a moment before stepping back.

James stood there for a long moment, his hand drifting unconsciously to his cheek, "What…..what was that for?" he asked eventually.

"I forgive you" Miranda replied simply.

"You what?" asked James very surprised.

"I forgive you" she repeated stepping back.

"I didn't ask you to forgive me" replied James.

"Tough" replied Miranda, "I forgive you. You are forgiven."

"But I don't need to be forgiven" replied James indigently.

"And yet you have been", replied Miranda with a glare and a slight tone of steel in her voice, "Forgiveness is yours so stop complaining and accept it and move on you irritating man."

James looked at her his mouth open, "I….how….can you just wind back?"

"I'm sorry would you rather have a fight?" asked Miranda.

"Well….there is such a thing as tradition" replied James.

"Oh shut up Shepard" she replied with a smirk.

He shook his head and smiled, "Thank you Miranda" he said and reached out and squeezed her hand, "I needed that….I need you."

There was a moment and then he let go of her hand, "Alright shall we go save the galaxy" he asked with the trademark crooked grin.

Miranda rolled her eyes and glared at his bandaged hand, "Let's just try to get to the end of the week without you breaking anything else okay."