Dixie awoke, looking around the room around her reality hit. She remembered having came into a small bed and breakfast, they didn't have any money on them but she remembered Jeff calling Tess who had given them more than enough. Rubbing her eyes she turned to see Jeff lying in the opposite single bed, still asleep.

It was all her fault, Chantelle was dead. That was her fault, her blood was on her hands. Silent tears began to roll down Dixie's cheek, how could she have been so careless? She should have been more adamant that Chantelle stayed with her, that she didn't leave with David. Each time she closed her eyes, she saw Chantelle lying in the mud, so small and weak.

Habit took over, she pulled herself out of bed, she was still already clothed. Looking at a sleeping Jeff she decided not to wake him, instead she scribbled a long letter on the back of an instruction manual on how to use the shower. Why did they leave those on the table anyway? Sighing she put the letter on the bedside table next to Jeff along with her house key. Then left the room, slowly pulling the door to a close.

She ignored all the laid out breakfast and headed straight to the exit, she didn't feel like eating. There was no point, no matter how much she ate the empty feeling would still be there, so what was the point? She scrambled in her bag for the car keys, then cursed as she forgot where to park. It was such a cliché, but her mind was all over the place, like someone had gone into her head and thrown all her memories and thoughts into the air, leaving them to fall back out of place and out of order.

After a while of searching she found their car in the corner of the car park, then it hit her, how was Jeff going to get back? Jeff always came first to Dixie and that's why she had to leave. She simply left the car and began to walk to the hospital, two and a half miles. Nobody knew about Chantelle, she wanted it to come from her what had happened, it was her fault so she had to be the one to break the news. She felt so done, she would break the news to the ED then leave.

Her shoes made the same clunking noise with every step she took, it made her wish she had brought quieter shoes. She must have looked a state, tear marks down each cheek, bags under her eyes, unbrushed hair and clothes she had slept in. She ignored the looks of strangers and continued her journey, she didn't feel the rain as it began to pour down. She didn't notice it at all. Her mind thought of David, he was going to pay, she was going to make sure of that. Dixie knew they would need a decent lawyer, that's when a thought popped into her head, she spotted a small sweet shop.

Going into it reminded her of her childhood, her dad always buying her sweets every Saturday if she had behaved herself. She nervously went up to the cashier.

"Is it possible for me to have a glass, you know, one of the glass jars you keep the sweets in" She asked quietly.

"Certainly, any particular size?" The young woman smiled back at Dixie, trying to figure out why she needed a glass jar.

"Any is fine thank you"

"May I ask what for?"

"Collecting money"

"Ah I see, saving for a holiday are you?" The woman pulled down an empty jar from the self then placed it in a plastic bag, handing it over to Dixie.

"Not quite, how much do I owe you?"

"Nothing, could I help you with anything else? There is a cold cabinet with some water over there. Or a hot drinks machine that serves hot chocolate or tea?"

"No thank you" Dixie took the bag then left. She couldn't be bothered with water or warm drinks, she'd get some later. She didn't realise she was soaked to the bone, her hair practically dripping and water seeping through the holes at the front of her shoes.

There it was, the hospital. Where Chantelle had died. She plucked up all her courage to go into the ED, going up to Louise at the reception desk.

"Could everyone who is available come to the staff room please?"

"Is this about Chantelle? Is there any news"

"In the staffroom, I will tell everyone together, I don't want to say it more times then I have to" Dixie weakly smiled at Louise, then went into the staffroom and waited. Nobody knew she was dead, how was she going to tell them? Within a few minutes all of her friends had gathered into the staff room. Sam, Tom, Zoe, Fletch, Norman, Tess, Charlie, Louise, Noel and Big Mac. Dixie looked at them all, she stood her distance. This was going to be hard.

"As most of you know, Chantelle was admitted to the ED the other night. Her injuries quite serious, what some of you don't know is what happened" Dixie paused there, taking in a deep breath before continuing. "Her partner, David. He was the one who did this to her, he raped her, then sliced her apart like it was nothing. She went with him to protect me, so he would leave me alone, and as a result of her choice she was murdered..."Dixie's voice broke, she felt tears streaming down each cheek, she didn't look up at her friends, but continued talking.

"You all knew Chantelle, she was a kind loving person, who was too young to die. Nobody should have had to die like that, and it was my fault. That is why I have to go" It was then Dixie looked up, she saw that each of her friends were crying, even Louise.

"Me and Jeff don't have the money to support this case, we don't have the money to pay our bills, let alone afford a good lawyer. I have a jar here, anybody willing to contribute would be truly appreciated. I'd have no way of thanking you, except in words. I am begging you all, me and Jeff will be grateful for anything, any donations will be put towards a lawyer as well as her funeral. I have left Jeff in charge of it all, being the great friends you are I am sure you will all help him. He will need all of your support" It was then she pulled the jar out of her bag, she placed it on the table. She then allowed more tears to fall, she couldn't be strong any longer.

"Dixie I'm so sorry. Of course we will all help, she isn't going to be forgotten" Tess gently approached Dixie,

"Thank you Tess. Please look after Jeff for me" Dixie smiled weakly at Tess, Tess opened her arms to hold Dixie and give her some comfort, she wondered why Dixie had said look after Jeff. Dixie pulled away, she didn't want to be held, she didn't deserve it. She did what she had to do, that was tell them all what happened, they deserved to know. She just ran out of the staff room, and into the ambulance station, running towards her office. Once inside she slammed the door behind her, locking it.

Dixie threw her bag on the floor, then collapsed into the sofa crying. It was all her fault. How could she live with herself? How could she live with Jeff? She didn't deserve his affection or care, she didn't deserve it at all. That's why she had to go, she was sure Jeff would understand in time, that he would get over her. He would be looked after by all their friends, Jeff had done nothing wrong she was the bad person in all of this. She deserved to be alone. Her mobile began to ring from her jean pocket, she flipped it up and answered without checking to see who it was.

"Dixie where are you babe?" Jeffs voice came down the phone, Dixie could tell he had been crying, he must have read the letter.

"Go away Jeff, I don't want to talk to you" She sobbed weakly.

"What have I done? You leave me a letter to say you are moving out of our house, along with your house key. Babe just tell me where you are and I'll pick you up"

"I said no Jeff! This is me and you over. I need a fresh start, you won't hear from me again, I'm done being a paramedic, I'm handing in my notice then leaving. I will stay in touch with Tess about Chantelle and the legal side of things, other than that you won't ever hear from me again" Dixie stammered down the phone weakly,

"Wait Dixie..." Jeff mustered,

"Goodbye Jeff" Dixie hung up the phone, she was hoping Jeff would forgive her in time, all he had to do was re read the letter and he would understand. Understand how she felt and why she needed to leave.

She wrote her email to the trust and sent it before changing her mind, she picked up her bag and walked to the door. Taking one last glance at her office. More tears fell down her cheek, she couldn't do this job anymore, she couldn't be with Jeff or anyone who loved her, she had to be alone, that way she wouldn't do anymore damage.

She walked out and closed the door, she then walked out of the station, towards the taxi bay. She jumped into the nearest one she could find,

"Holby train station please mate" She said quietly, this was it. She was actually leaving, she leaned her head against the window, watching the streets fly by. It wasn't long before she was at the station, she paid the driver then got out, stumbling towards the ATM machine, she withdrew most of the money from her private account.

Looking up at the board there was so many choices, so many places she could go. She needed to choose somewhere Jeff wouldn't expect, she picked Brighton, completely random. After she got the ticket she boarded the train,

"I'm sorry Jeff, I'm so sorry, please forgive me" She whispered to herself, more tears falling from her eyes, this was it.