Chapter 35: Silence

"Let's get going," Mark muttered in the morning. No one replied or signalled that they had even heard him. As if it wasn't bizarre enough that he was still here. But it was all part of the 'forgiveness' thing.

"Really, I should just go now," Mark said, exchanging a look with Addison who seemed just as confused and bewildered as he was, when Derek and Meredith walked back into the house.

"Yeah, me too…" Meredith added awkwardly.

"No," Derek just said humourlessly. "You can both overnight here."

"Derek…" Addison trailed off in a teary voice. She had managed to throw a silky nightgown on and was now halfway hiding her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry. So sorry…"

"Let's just go to bed and we'll all go to work together in the morning," Derek coldly interrupted her and walked upstairs.

Left was Meredith, Mark and Addison, staring at each other with unsure expressions.

"I'll take the couch, you take the guest room," Mark eventually offered. Meredith just nodded, too fuming to insist otherwise.

The silence was impossible to overcome.

Derek opened the driver's door and Addison, presumably eager to show that she was staying far away from Mark, sat beside him. Wordlessly Meredith and Mark took the back seats. In the mirror, Meredith's beautiful eyes met his for the shortest of seconds before he looked down.

He had no idea why but he simply couldn't look at her… not right now.

It seemed like it had been years, not hours since she'd been sleeping beside him in the car, giggling, joking with him when he wanted to open her doors… It only felt real because of the lavender aroma; it was still all over the place.

Feeling slightly out of this world, Derek put the key in the ignition, making the car come to life with a purr that would normally make him smile from ear to ear. Not today.

All he could feel was nothingness, creeping in on him, making him numb and unresponsive to the world around him.

Wasn't he supposed to be… angry? Hurt? Livid? Just a little upset that his wife was sleeping with his best friend? Derek simply couldn't make himself care enough to think that through… He was tired. And a little spiritless, sure. Mad? No. It had been like this forever, probably since Meredith disappeared…

He stopped caring about Addison a long time ago, he knew that. He wasn't guilt free. And how many times hadn't he caught himself in thinking of Meredith, dreaming that it was Meredith lying beside him in bed, Meredith bare-footedly wandering around in the kitchen, Meredith he was driving home to every night, Meredith's legs wrapped around him, Meredith's body that would some day carry his child? While Addison was the one who had cheated physically, he hadn't been in this marriage whole-heartedly… ever. Not since their engagement night, the night Meredith left them…

He ignored the green eyes that were burning a hole in his mirror. It was twisted, how the only thing he found any pain in, even now, was Meredith.

"What do you think I should do?" Derek asked.

The numbness overpowering his body, her face the only thing he was able to focus on. Just in that moment, he had complete and utter faith in her, like he had not had it for the longest time. He trusted her blindly, to the point where he felt pathetic…

Meredith stiffened beside him and narrowed her eyes slightly. At first, her face lit up just a little bit; but then it fell ever so slightly into glumness.

Derek realized that all she had to say was 'divorce' and it would happen. One word. He would do anything she told him to in a split second; all he needed was one word…

The thought sparked something, just a little flicker, alive inside him. It was when he realized that he was silently hoping for Meredith to want him to leave Addison… that she would have him, one way or another…

Take me. I'm yours. Derek silently tried to catch her eyes.

She finally looked up at him and just for a second, Derek saw emotions in her eyes that he had never thought she had… love… desire… need…

In that split second, frustration was dominant on her face, a frustration he shared with her. He so badly wanted her close to him, her arms wrapped tightly around his body like his had been the first time they had met. Abruptly, he was taken back to that time and remembered the promise he had given her.

"We won't break, Meredith." That was what he had said.

Suddenly, he was no longer so sure.

Just as quick as they appeared, the emotions were again drained from Meredith's face. Had they even been there in the first place? Derek wasn't sure if it was real or just some kind of wishful thinking.

Her face was expressionless but her eyes were a little sad. Somehow, Derek had a feeling of what she was going to say.

"You need to forgive her," Meredith said and with that, Derek felt the first flicker of real pain. "And him. You need to forgive him."

That was her decision. That was what she wanted. Derek wanted to bang his head against something for hoping she would want anything else.

"Okay," Derek said, his voice breaking a little. "Okay. I can do that."

He had made her choose for him and she had chosen. He was okay with that.

But if that was true, then why did it hurt this much?

He had a sudden urge to pull his hands out of hers and she let him do it. As soon as her palms were no longer touching his skin, he felt absolutely alone.

Derek pulled into his usual parking space at the hospital. Everyone jumped out of the car as soon as it was not moving, eager to escape the awkwardness.

This is insane; Derek couldn't help but think though it was his own idea. My wife cheats with my best friend and we all drive to work with the woman I'm in love with. Like it's normal.

Addison's pager broke the silence.

"I have to go," she said and shifted her weight from foot to foot a couple of times, hesitant, clearly deliberating whether to do something or not. In the end, she cautiously stepped closer to Derek and pressed her lips against his cheek before spinning around on her heels and almost running into the hospital. Derek was numb. He couldn't feel anything.

"You're on my service Mer," Mark mumbled incoherently and looked at Derek, tears building in his eyes. "I'm sorry man," he patted his shoulder and began walking towards the main entrance.

Meredith just gave him a long, thoughtful glance before walking off, catching up with Mark, leaving Derek alone, leaning against the car frame, hoping the numbness would disappear enough for him to walk.

What the hell was going on with him?

Derek just stood there for a while, letting the misty Seattle air that he was growing to love embrace him like a clammy, transparent layer. Suddenly his phone went off; when he reached down for it and checked the caller's name, a chill went down his spine.

"Shit!" Derek whispered and stared at the phone. It was her. Who he hadn't talked to since before Meredith came back. Who didn't even know. Who was probably scared shitless and pissed because he hadn't answered her phone calls.

Derek groaned and took a second to prepare for the waves of emotions that were about to hit him. He flipped his phone open with a sigh.

"Hey mom."