Author's Note: Thanks again for the wonderful reviews. It is fantastic to read your thoughts!
Warning: Death ahead.
***Italics indicate a flashback for Daryl
****Bold italics indicate a dream for Daryl
Song for the Chapter: Everybody Learns From Disaster - Dashboard Confessional
A Better Man
Summary: After Carol's death, Daryl makes a desperate wish to save her. Suddenly, he finds himself back in the quarry, staring as she and her daughter cower in the shadow of her husband. With all of his memories of the future intact, can Daryl change life as he knows it?
Disclaimer: From here on out, I do not own The Walking Dead or any of its characters.
Chapter 36: Disaster
It had been one week since the group left the storage units. It started out innocently enough. The exhausted group had settled at another farm house, this time one that Daryl failed to remember staying at before in the other timeline. This one was chosen by Rick, liking that the thick brush provided them with a shelterbelt to protect them from walkers and the relentless ice storm that caught them on the road.
Daryl, Glenn, Rick, and T-Dog quickly cleared the house and moved the entire group inside as fast as possible. Twenty-three people crammed into the living room where Rick announced that they would stay here until the storm let out. Shane, Charlie, and Derrick were charged with gathering wood for a fire as rooms were divided. Dale, Hershel, Lori, Amy, and Lily were considered the most vulnerable to the cold and were encouraged to take the living room with the fireplace. Lori had ushered Carl inside with her while Daryl insisted that Carol and Sophia enjoy the warmth with Lily. Daryl set up camp in an office opposite to the living room with T-Dog, Jacqui, Miguel, and Rick.
Daryl had found his spot on the floor and laid there for about three minutes before all hell broke loose.
Screams ripped through the house and Daryl was on his feet in an instant, barrelling up the stairs with Rick, T-Dog, and Glenn. Maggie, Beth, and Jimmy had come out of their room and ran with the four men into the bedroom at the end of the hall towards the screams.
Inside, they found Casey and Paris pressed to the far wall, screaming as a walker tore into Erin's throat. Daryl put a bolt through the walker's head and it slumped forward. Rick lunged forward, pulling the walker off of Erin, who was still alive, shaking as she struggled to breathe. Her brown eyes were wide with panic.
"ERIN!" the two girls screamed, rushing forward only to be stopped by Beth and Maggie. Casey was howling, fighting Beth and crying for her sister.
"What the hell happened?" Rick demanded, his face torn up as he looked down at the dying girl.
"This room was clear," T-dog whispered in shock. Daryl glanced up at his friend and then around the room. He noticed the closet door was opened and bloodstained. Therefore it came as no surprise when Paris spoke.
"It came from the closet!" she sobbed. The closet, obviously not checked in their haste to get into the house, had housed a walker. Daryl watched as the dying girl stilled in Rick's arms. She was gone. Erin Douglas died.
"Erin? Erin!" Casey cried, collapsing to the floor with Beth, sobbing into the older girl. Rick bowed his head and unsheathed his knife, ensuring that Erin would not turn.
"Go back through and check the closets," the law man ordered before heading to the door. Glenn and T-Dog looked ill. They had been charged with clearing the upstairs rooms and they had missed the walker trapped in the closet. Daryl sighed and moved to follow Rick out into the hall.
"I've got to tell Charlie and Derrick," Rick sighed, burying his hands in his hair, "That's not going to go well."
"Not at all," Daryl agreed, "They don't have guns do they? That could get bad."
"Derrick has a piece," Rick confirmed, "but I don't think he's the one we need to worry about."
Rick let out a breath and then moved down the stairs. Daryl followed, stopping in the entry way while Rick hurried out the door, moving towards three figures crossing the yard with their arms full of firewood.
"Daryl?" Carol questioned as the others moved towards him.
"There was a walker in the closet upstairs. It got Erin," he explained. He was met with a collective gasp.
"Didn't you clear it?" Lori demanded, pushing past him to run after her husband, "You were supposed to clear it!"
Daryl grimaced at the blame in her tone.
"Daryl, what happened?" Jacqui wondered.
He sighed, "When we cleared the house, we split up. Rick and I did the downstairs and Glenn and T did up. They must not have checked the closets."
"Oh no," Jacqui murmured, heading upstairs to see T-Dog, knowing that his mistake would haunt him.
"What about the two girls?" Hershel asked, his old face somber under the beginnings of that thick white beard.
"They're both safe, but they saw it all," Daryl replied, "Beth and Maggie are with 'em."
"Will Erin turn?" Dale wanted to know.
"Nah. Rick took care of that," Daryl answered. He glanced towards the window, watching as Rick gave the news to Charlie. The young man dropped his load of wood and ran for the house. Derrick followed suit, chasing after his friend.
"ERIN!" Charlie bellowed as he and Derrick ran for the stairs. Daryl winced and noticed that outside, Shane and Rick were having a heated conversation while Lori stood to the side. He wondered if he ought to go outside to see what it was about, but then all three turned to come back inside.
"This is gonna be bad," Daryl muttered and at Dale's inquiring glance, he shook his head, indicating that Daryl's statement wasn't a product of future knowledge. Future knowledge wasn't doing them much good right now anyways. Shane immediately rounded on Daryl.
"Who cleared the upstairs?" he snarled. Daryl said nothing and looked to Rick.
"T-Dog and Glenn did it," Rick answered grimly, "Shane-"
"Dammit, Rick!" Shane yelled, turning back to his former partner, "You let the rookies clear the house! It isn't just about walking through and looking at the furniture and high ceilings; it's like it was when we were searching houses for criminals. You can't leave any door closed!"
"I know that, Shane!" Rick argued back.
"NO!" Charlie's scream echoed through the house, making everyone all too aware of the damage done.
"I don't think you do, Man," Shane growled, "If you did, that room would have been cleared proper and Erin would still be alive!"
"We'll train better," Rick suggested, "We'll show everyone how to clear houses properly-"
"You should've been showing 'em from the beginning!" Shane shot at him, "Or hell, maybe ya oughta give me my damn gun so I can clear this place right!"
"Shane, calm down," Lori chided the hotheaded former cop, "Yelling isn't going to help-"
There was a loud crash from upstairs followed by shouts and screams. Daryl was running for the stairs again, this time coming to the room to find T-Dog pinned to the wall be an enraged Charlie. Glenn, Jimmy, Jacqui, and Maggie were trying to separate the men while Beth tried to console the two girls. Derrick was frozen, watching the fight in horror as a sheet fell from his hands onto Erin's body.
Daryl reacted, cutting between Charlie and T-Dog and breaking them apart. Rick grabbed Charlie around the shoulders as the young man howled in rage and agony.
"YOU PROMISED! YOU PROMISED TO KEEP US SAFE!"
He collapsed to his knees, beating the floor with his fists.
"Daryl, take the others downstairs," Rick directed. Daryl didn't need to be told twice. He had seen what grief could drive people to do and the last thing he wanted was for someone innocent to get caught in the crossfire of Charlie Peletier's grief. Jacqui, T-Dog, Beth, Jimmy, Glenn, and Maggie willing followed Daryl out of the room. Derrick, Paris, and Casey stayed with Rick, Shane, Charlie, and Erin's dead body.
Daryl took his group of people downstairs and sat them down in the living room with the others. Hershel and Dale had gone out to collect the discarded firewood and were in the process of making a fire for warmth.
"What happened?" Lori demanded, coming up to Daryl.
"Charlie attacked T-Dog-"
"He had every right to," T-Dog said numbly, slumped on the floor and staring down at his hands, "I didn't check the closet. It was my fault."
Jacqui was there for him, whispering words of reassurance as she rubbed his back in a soothing manner.
"It was an accident," Daryl sighed, "We'll know more for next time."
"But what about this time?" Lori questioned, "Erin is dead!"
"There's not much we can do about this time, Lori," Dale said gently, "We can't bring her back, but we can plan to make sure this doesn't happen in the future."
That was all they could do. Everybody learns from disaster, after all. Disaster was the reason that Daryl refused to let those he loved out of his sight and the reason that he now always glanced to the roof of whatever building they were looting. Unfortunately, disasters like Erin's were how they learned to better survive their world. They were a necessary evil.
0
Out of courtesy for Charlie, Derrick, Casey, and Paris, the men braved the cold wind and rain and toiled away to dig a grave for Erin outside. It was nowhere near as deep as it should have been, but the ground was hard and the cold forced them to abandon their work. A short funeral was held and then everyone returned to the warmth inside the house. Charlie and Derrick retired into the dining room with the two girls. Derrick was attentive, keeping tabs of Charlie and Casey. Charlie had gotten quiet after his outburst upstairs, consoling Paris as the girl cried into him. Casey seemed to have gone into a state of shock over her sister's death and Hershel was asked to give her some precious medicine to ease her suffering.
The rest of the group was told to go to sleep and that a discussion would be taking place in the morning. No one ventured upstairs. More people crammed into the living room or into the home office.
Daryl had decided that he would take watch. If they moved on in the morning, he could not ride his motorcycle on account of the ice so he'd be stuck in the RV all day. He set himself up in a chair near the door and every so often, he would bundle up and do a quick perimeter check outside. There was little to fear from walkers. The cold confused them.
To him, Erin's death posed little significance, as callous as it was to say. He had rarely interacted with the girl, only speaking 'thank you' whenever she helped pass out food. She mostly kept to her own group, caring for her younger sister and catering to Charlie, Derrick, and Paris. To them, her death must have made them feel as though part of their world died. He understood that feeling. He had experienced enough death to understand the agony of seeing someone you love torn from your life. He felt bad for Casey who had witnessed her sister being mauled to death. As much as it hurt to have to put Merle down, Daryl still would rather do that then actually witness Merle's death and not be able to stop it. When he returned to the front of the house, he heard voices in the entry way. Shane and Lori. Again.
"I just feel so horrible for them," Lori was saying, "It was our fault that they lost Casey."
"It wasn't our fault," Shane told her, sounding less than pleased, "It was Rick, Daryl, T-Dog, and Glenn's fault."
"Shane, that's not fair," Lori admonished.
"And why the hell not?" Shane wondered, "They were the ones that didn't clear the house right."
"Shane, you're assigning blame," Lori told him, "We all could have said something before, but we didn't."
"Lori, facts are facts," Shane said matter-of-factly, "Rick lead that group in there without explaining how to do things right. T-Dog and Glenn didn't check the closet."
"And Daryl?" Lori asked, "You blamed him before."
"Daryl is a pain in the ass, but I will admit that he seems competent enough and he should've realized that they ought to have been searching every nook and cranny," Shane blamed, "The four of them…they screwed up."
Daryl growled in response and resisted the urge to go inside and make Shane rue the day that he cast blame on him and his brothers. That would just end poorly.
"Shane…"
"I keep thinkin'…wonderin' what would have happened if one of the kids opened the door," Shane admitted, "Or Maggie or Beth. Or you."
"I was downstairs with Carl-"
"But you could've just as easily been upstairs," Shane cut across her, "It could have been you and I don't know if I could've took that."
"Shane, we've talked about this," Lori sighed, though her heart didn't seem in it.
"Lori, don't tell me not to care about you," Shane pleaded, "You're the only one here who is on my side and I'm always on yours. I told you this, remember? I told you that I'm always going to be there for you no matter what's going on."
"I know that, Shane, and I appreciate it so much," Lori told him, sounding a little teary, "but you and Rick were doing so good and now, if you blame them, things will go back to the way they were on the farm and I don't want that, Shane."
"So what am I supposed to do, Lori?" Shane demanded, "Swallow it like it means nothing that they were careless? They screwed up. Their actions put us all in danger and killed one of our own. I can't just forget it or the fact that Rick is…well…he's slipping.
"Slipping?" Lori questioned, "One accident doesn't make or break someone, Shane. It didn't make or break you."
"But there's so many things…maybe it's just all piling up…I don't think he's fit to lead this group," Shane decided.
"Shane, don't say things like that," Lori pleaded.
"It might be true," Shane whispered, "He screwed up today, yeah, but he's also made so many other decisions that don't make sense. Leaving Daryl with his weapon, for example, or not clearing the house."
"I'm sure Rick had his reasons. We just have to trust that he knows what he's doing."
"Lori, I…I don't know if I can," Shane admitted softly.
"Shane?" she questioned, breathless at his admission.
Shane let out a long sigh and said, "These past couple months have been so strange," Shane told her, "I keep…I keep having these dreams and they've tapered off some, but they make me wonder if maybe they're trying to tell me something."
"What kind of dreams?" Lori asked curiously.
"That Rick kills me," Shane whispered, conveniently leaving out the part where he had tried to kill Rick first, "They freaked me out at first. I didn't want us to come to a confrontation like that so I tried to sort it out…act better. Used my head more. Lori, I loved that man like he was my brother and I recognized that I hadn't been acting very brotherly on the farm so I tried to turn over a new leaf-"
"And you have!" Lori defended him, "Shane, you have been doing so much better-"
"But look at what me being on the sidelines did," Shane muttered, "Erin's dead because I didn't say anything. I didn't speak out against him before when it could've made a difference. What if I stay quiet now and he makes a decision that kills one of us? You? Carl? The baby? How could I live with myself then?"
"But Shane, if you cause trouble, they'll kick you out," Lori voiced, obviously worried about his fate, "Please, Shane. I don't want to lose you."
"You won't," he promised, "You won't."
Then there was silence, leaving Daryl to wonder if Shane and Lori had left. He was about to make himself known when a third voice entered the conversation.
"What's going on?" Rick asked, accusation in his tone.
"Was just checking on Charlie and the others," Shane mumbled, "Night all."
There was silence after Rick and Lori bid their goodnights to Shane. Daryl wondered if they were waiting for Shane to leave. A moment later, it was clear that Daryl's hunch was correct.
"Are you gonna tell me what that was or are you going to leave me guessing?" Rick demanded, his voice low as a courtesy to those still asleep in the next rooms.
"I got up to use the bathroom and ran into Shane on his way back from checking on Charlie and the others," Lori replied innocently, like she wasn't patiently listening to Shane blame her husband for Erin's death and question his leadership. Daryl wondered if she'd admit it to Rick.
"Got to talking, then?" Rick asked, "Hugging?"
Now Daryl knew why Rick had accusation on his tongue and admired the man's restraint. If Daryl had walked in on one of Carol's ex-lovers hugging all over her, he would've busted the fucker's jaw.
"Rick, don't do that," Lori pleaded, sounding a little annoyed, "We were talking about Erin and he gave me a hug. He was comforting me."
There was another moment of silence before Rick spoke again, hurt now colouring his tone along with the accusation, "Like he did when you thought I was dead?" he asked softly.
"Rick, don't!" Lori hissed in the darkness, "Shane and I are just friends. You are my husband, father of my child, and I love you and only you! Shane and I were just talking."
Daryl wondered who she was trying to convince, her or Rick?
"Children," Rick corrected.
"What?" Lori asked, confused. When Rick explained himself, his voice was laced with pain. He sounded as if she had dug a knife into his heart.
"You said I'm the father of your child," Rick clarified, "as in I'm the father of one child."
"Rick, you know what I meant!" Lori whispered, "Carl is the only one of our children that is here and alive-"
"And you don't think the baby's going to make it?" Rick demanded in a whisper, "So you're just writing it off again? Or are you flat out saying that it isn't mine?"
"How can you say that?" Lori shot at him, trying to keep her voice low, and hissed, "I've told you since the day I found out that I was pregnant that this baby is yours no matter what!"
"For how long?" Rick snapped, "What happens when it's born? What happens when you decide that this baby looks more like Shane than me?"
"Are you suggesting that I'd leave you for Shane?" Lori accused, making minimal effort to muffle her outrage, "Do you realize how paranoid you sound right now?"
"Don't I have a right to be?" Rick wondered angrily, "For the last three months, all I've heard is how Shane is such an asset to the group, how he's a protector, how we need him, and now I wake up and find you in his arms in the middle of the night!"
"Rick, I explained that and we do need him around-"
"So he can protect you?" Rick asked, hurt dripping from every syllable, "You say you love me, but you need him around to keep you safe, right? You don't think I can protect you, is that it?"
"Of course not!" Lori protested against the counts that Rick accused her of, "Rick, you can't believe that! You can't-"
A loud thumping noise interrupted the fight.
"Sophia?" Lori asked, "What are you doing up, Sweetie?"
"I have to go to the bathroom," Sophia whispered softly.
"Alright, Honey, go ahead," Lori encouraged. Then there was silence. Daryl waited a minute or two before deciding that it was really too damn cold for him to stay outside any longer. He moved swiftly and quietly through the front door and found Rick and Lori in the foyer, glaring at each other.
"Sophia's using the bathroom," Rick supplied before heading back to the office without a word to his wife. Lori huffed as he went and swept wordlessly back to the living room. Daryl settled on the steps and waited. Sophia emerged from the bathroom a moment later and crept back towards the living room.
"Ya should really wake ya ma if ya need to use the bathroom," Daryl commented softly. Sophia paused by the banister and looked up at him.
"I thought you were out here so I was okay," she whispered, looking a little chastised, "And then I heard Rick and Lori were up, so I thought I could go…"
"Ya heard 'em huh?" Daryl chuckled dryly.
"I woke up when Shane went back to sleep," Sophia admitted, slowly creeping up to sit beside him on the stairs, "Can I ask you something?"
Daryl was a little apprehensive, knowing that there was a whole host of things that his girl could ask, but as always, he nodded, "Shoot."
"Why would Lori's baby look like Shane?" she wondered. Daryl winced, thankful that Sophia didn't have a clear read on his face in the dark.
"Ah…don't know if I should be tellin' ya that, Soph. It's more grown-up stuff," he muttered uneasily. He could make out a pout in the pale light.
"I'm almost thirteen, Daryl," Sophia reminded him, "I will be in a week. I can handle grown-up stuff," she said earnestly.
Daryl shrugged his shoulders and relented, "Guess Shane could be the baby's daddy."
"How?" Sophia asked, unknowingly pushing Daryl far beyond his breaking point where talks with young girls were concerned, "Did Shane have you know…with Carl's mom?"
"'You know'?" Daryl repeated apprehensively.
"Sex," Sophia clarified in an embarrassed whisper.
Daryl felt like all the air left his sails. His girl, his innocent little kid who still slept with that raggedy old doll sometimes, just used the word 'sex', "What…where…how…what do you know 'bout sex?" Daryl spluttered.
"Mom told me a bit," Sophia said quietly, like she was as embarrassed as Daryl was with the subject, "She said that's how people make babies."
"Maybe ya better talk to ya mom 'bout this," Daryl replied uncomfortably, "This ain't a guy thing."
"Okay," Sophia agreed, but she still sat beside Daryl, "but Shane or Rick could be the baby's dad?"
Daryl nodded his head, sure that she could see the movement in the dark.
"So that's why they're all fighting?" Sophia pressed on, "Because they both want the baby?"
"Yeah, in a nutshell," Daryl admitted, thankful that Sophia left talk about sex behind. She was quiet for a moment, contemplating another question.
"Then how come Lori told Carl's dad that the baby was his no matter what?" she finally asked. Daryl shrugged, figuring he could answer that one without too much embarrassment.
"'Cause she's married to him and that even if he didn't uh…make the kid, he'll still get to take care of it and raise it and stuff," Daryl replied.
"Carl's dad sure didn't sound like he believed her," Sophia commented.
"Nah, I reckon he didn't," Daryl agreed, leaning back onto the steps. They were quiet for a few minutes more. Daryl was hardly surprised when she said his name again.
"Daryl?"
He grunted in response.
"Would Lori's baby call Rick its dad?" she asked.
"Reckon so," Daryl answered, thinking that it was an odd question, but it was better than sex questions.
"So even if Rick didn't make the baby, he's still gonna take care of it and raise it and stuff and it's gonna call him 'Dad'?" Sophia clarified.
"Yep," Daryl grunted in reply, frowning in the dark and wondering why Sophia was fixated on that point, "What's goin' on in that head of yours, Rabbit?"
"It's kinda like me and you, right?" she whispered after a moment, "You didn't make me, but you take care of me and stuff and you're marrying my mom."
He could see the parallel now that she drew it out for him and he wondered then if he knew what she was getting at. He gave her another minute to get the words out.
"Can I call you 'Dad'?" she asked. He had been right about the direction of their conversation, but it still caught him off guard a little. He shrugged.
"If ya want," he told her, trying to play it cool when he was really ready to split into the biggest grin of his life at the idea of her wanting to call him her father, "Don't really matter what ya call me, Kid."
She nodded.
"Daryl?" she questioned in the dark. His heart, which had been up by his throat, seemed to drop as she used his given name again.
"Yeah?" he croaked, his voice a little hoarse over the lump in his throat.
"I want to call you 'Dad'," Sophia told him matter-of-factly. As quickly as his heart dropped, the damn thing jumped right up again. It was then that he realized just how much power this twelve-almost-thirteen-year-old girl had over him. He was completely screwed.
"Then go ahead," he mumbled, giving her permission to call him a name aside from his own.
"Okay. Goodnight…Dad," Sophia whispered, getting to her feet and moving back towards the living room.
"G'night, Sophia," Daryl responded softly, smiling in the dark. Though he had been helping Carol raise the girl since Hershel's farm and though he had already claimed Sophia as his own kid, there was something about hearing her call him 'Dad' that made it all real and official. Daryl Dixon was officially a father and for the first time, he thought about what that meant. It both thrilled and terrified him in ways that he couldn't begin to describe. Sophia was accepting him as part of her life, trusting him to keep her and her mother safe and happy. It seemed almost laughable that a child would want him as a father considering his own upbringing, but if Sophia wanted him to be her dad, then he would strive to be a better one than the man who raised him and a better one than the man who had thrown away the chance to raise her. For Sophia, his daughter, he would try.
Maybe the death of Erin and Rick and Lori's fighting was good for something. After all, no matter how shitty a situation is, something good can always come out of disaster.
TBC
Maybe keep that last line in mind. It now applies both to the upcoming chapters of this fanfic and the current blow from the latest episode of the Walking Dead. Is it wrong that I've changed my plans slightly with this fic so that I can give Rick a few good punches to the face?
Next chapter: As the group moves forward, distrust and unease begin to settle over everyone.
Read and review! Let me know what you're thoughts are about the future of this story. Your reviews keep me going!