AN: Copyright? Libel? What're you talking about? Lalalala, I can't hear you! Lalalalala...
Also, I'm sorry in advance about the Cats.
Okay, that was a lie; I'm not sorry... but I can see why it would be annoying. General rule of thumb: if you can replace the human with a cat and still have their maniacal tirade / woeful angst-fest sound convincing, you're golden.
And, if not, you should still turn them into cats anyway, because it's funny.
"You only have five Death Scythes?" asked Liz
"We know you have a few more but—" began Kanako.
"We have sixteen," Soul pointed out.
"Yeah, but—"
"How do you expect to maintain world order with only five Death Scythes?" asked Tsubaki.
"We hadn't really thought that far ahead yet," admitted Renge.
"We know you guys aren't big on wielders," Patty began, "but they can be a great asset. They've got a strong wavelength, they'll carry you around, and the two of you fight together, united, against the forces of darkness. It's a pretty sweet deal."
"Oh, but we all fight with wielders," one of the weapons told them with a smirk.
"What? You can't. You only have, what?" Tsubaki starting added numbers under her breath. "Four Witches plus 2 Clowns, Tamaki, Shiro plus Hani and Mori and the Zuka Club..." then at normal volume, "thirteen of them? There are more than a hundred of you..."
"Yes," said Hina. "We take it in turns to work with the wielder who best suits our particular wavelength. As of now, every single weapon of the alliance has fifteen souls: all one hundred and eighty-two of us."
The Shibusen weapons blinked.
"That's enough to make over twenty-five Death Scythes!" exclaimed Patty.
"Minus the Witches' souls, of course," added Liz.
"We have a different way of doing things," said Hani, shrugging.
"Those five of us who are Death Scythes," began Ayanokoji, "are the five of use who prefer to work without a wielder. As for those who do work with a partner, each of the wielders specializes in a different type of wavelength, much like different personalities in a boy-band."
"Or character-types in a host club," offered Renge, much to Tsubaki's glee.
"Huh," said Soul, "Well, long term, that's an acceptable strategy, I guess, but don't you think it might behoove you to change it a little? You know, since we're at war and all."
"How so?" asked one of the weapons. They really needed to start learning more of their names.
"You have thirteen wielders," Liz said. "Plus the seven of us. That's enough manpower to make twenty more Death Scythes."
"Twenty?!" gasped the great multitude.
"You're including your three wielders?" asked Hani, who was among the first to recover from the sheer ambition of that last statement. "I'm not going to lie; they look terrifying."
"Well... they're actually a lot scarier than they look," Tsubaki admitted. "But they're also very good at what they do. If making Death Scythes were an art form (which it arguably is) then go ahead and call them the Great Meisters, for the Renaissance is at hand."
"Hmm..." the Ouran Weapons considered this.
"The first thing," said Patty, while the others mulled their suggestions over, "is to decide who's willing to step aside for the sake of letting others become powerful. I know, it's a lot to ask of a weapon..."
Before she could say another word, every single Ouran weapon took a step backwards.
"... I was not expecting that," she said.
"You overestimate the desire for power," said Ayanokoji. "Most of us simply want freedom. Few have the heart to fight for it anymore."
"Well, since there's no real demand... all our wielders should be capable dual- or even triple-wielding at this point," said Soul. "Would anyone be willing to train intensively towards becoming a Death Scythe if you were allowed to have another weapon or two in the team?"
After some discussion, three obviously unrelated girly-girls stepped forward. They were Kanako and two of her friends. "We'd like to work together," said Kanako.
Renge and two others came forward. "Team Otaku, reporting for duty."
"That is not our name," said one of her teammates: a girl with light hair and dark makeup.
"We can debate labels later," said Tsubaki. "Any others?"
Two weapons who probably normally partnered with Nekozawa, if their goth attire was anything to go by, stepped forward. One of them was a guy, though, so he stood out even more. "We'll volunteer," said the girl.
"Cool," said Soul. "That's a start. Anyone willing to work one-on-one with a wielder?"
No one moved.
"Baby steps it is, then," said Tsubaki. "Well, you seven want to come with us? We'll introduce you to our wielders, find who can best match with who..."
The three DMD wielders stood in front of a blackboard. On it were written the words, "How to make a Death Scythe."
"Right," said Black-Star. "Well, in order to make a Death Scythe, you have to feed a weapon ninety-nine Kishin-egg souls and one Witch Soul."
"We know that," said Benio, leader of the three Zuka wielders.
Black-Star blinked. "Then, why aren't you doing it?"
"It's not as easy as just saying it!" protested Hikaru.
"What do you mean?" said Black-Star. "Of course it is! You say you're going to do it, and then you go out and do it! Couldn't be simpler!"
Kid sighed, shaking his head.
"Perhaps an example," said Maka, glancing from the Assassin to the chalkboard. She grabbed a piece of chalk and scribbled for a moment.
"Black-Star," she commanded, taking the floor and sweeping an arm to indicate the problem she'd just created, "solve this equation."
"It's not the same," he said, seeing what she was trying to imply.
"Yes it is!" said Maka. "You say you're going to do it, and then you do it!"
"Oh," said Black-Star with dawning realization, "... I get it! You're saying that they're stupid!"
"No, Black-Star," Maka said with a sigh. "I'm saying that we are not entirely sane, and it wouldn't be reasonable to expect normal people to have comparable work-ethics."
He stared at her in confusion. "What?"
"They're not trying to surpass the gods," Maka clarified, in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Oh, small people. Why didn't you say?" He turned to the assembled wielders, giving them an encouraging smile. "In that case, you're doing very well, small people. Keep up the good work!"
Kid and Maka flinched in embarrassment at his patronizing tone.
"Well," said Kid. "He's a little hardcore, but that doesn't mean we can't compare training techniques."
"For example," said Maka, "In Shibusen we offer a wide variety of missions and training exercises for young meisters and weapons..."
When the DMD weapons went in to check on their meisters, the seven Ouran weapons in tow, they found Tamaki—traumatized—and curled up in the corner, the Hitachins and Coven Nekozawa standing slackjawed, and the three Zuka Club members looking scandalized.
"There's something seriously wrong with you guys," said Shiro, shaking his head.
"Things not going so well?" Tsubaki asked, drawing attention to their presence.
"We're not great with teaching people," Kid admitted, after greetings and introductions had been exchanged. "We probably should have asked Stein-sensei or some of the others to help."
"I don't know," said Liz. "I think they'd be even more ill-at-ease with professors who sometimes try to kill their students."
"Oh, yeah..." said Black-Star.
"What?!" The seven weapons were clearly horrified.
"Well, that rules out Stein and Sid, but Marie-sensei's never done anything like that," Maka pointed out.
"Although, she did once consider marrying a toilet..." said Patty
"Wow, I didn't even realize, but yeah, she's never tried to kill us," said Soul, his expression one of amazement.
"That's so weird," said Tsubaki.
"Please, tell me you're joking," Kanako asked, looking slightly green.
"So," said Nekozawa, eventually, in an attempt to change the subject, "your weapons were already Death Scythes by the time most of you became meisters again. Are you really sure that you're experts in the field of Death Scythe formation?"
"It's funny you should mention that," said Tsubaki. "We just so happen to have seven volunteers for trying the Shibusen Death Scythe Speed Run that these three have cornered the market on."
"They volunteered?" asked Black-Star. "Just like that?"
"Well, they're not budging from their current teams, so the one with the lightest workload will still be dual-wielding."
"What about their Ouran meisters?" asked Maka. "Wouldn't they be more comfortable working with familiar people?"
"Dual Wielding?" asked Haruhi in shock.
"Lightest workload?" asked Kasanoda.
"...I guess that explains that," said Kid, nodding in understanding.
They then finished up introductions and spent a few minutes going over details of these new partnerships.
"So..." began Patty, after the ruckus had died down some, "now things can finally go back to normal."
"Normal?" asked Renge.
"Meisters are meisters. Especially ours. Kid and the others live for fighting, and now they have the opportunity to do what they love: forge death-weapons."
"That being said," said Soul, "you're probably going to have to tone down the badassery when working with Ouran Weapons."
"Why?" asked Black-Star.
"Okay, my turn," said Kid. "Black-Star, do you remember that song Patty stuck Marcus' ipod into playing in an infinite loop?"
"The one that nearly drove him insane, because he'd rather listen to a song he loathes indefinitely than go without music," prompted Maka, when the Assassin looked blank.
"The 'Spaceships' one?" hazarded the meister.
"Yes," agreed Kid. "Do you remember the tune?"
"Oh yeah," said Black-Star, frowning in distaste.
"Hate that song," Soul muttered.
"Here, listen to this," said Kid, summoning a laptop (a trick he'd learned from Ohtori). "This is the same song, performed by children with whitewashed lyrics."
The music began playing. Maka and Soul face-faulted in unison.
"I hate this more," said Soul, his tone venomous.
"Okay, okay!" said Black-Star, horrified. "You're right! You're right about everything—just turn it off!"
Kid frowned, but did as he'd been asked. "I wasn't trying to elicit agreement through torture," he explained, looking slightly regretful.
Black-Star was aghast. "Then what the heck were you trying to do?"
"Illustrate the issue at hand," said the Shinigami. "Yes, listening to this kind of thing, personally, makes me want to break both my eardrums with a ballpoint pen. But some individuals—probably sensitive people who like the carefree/empowering tone of the music—actually prefer this version. Taste isn't a universal constant, and it most certainly isn't a trans-universal one."
"Meaning?" asked Maka.
"We're like Nicki Minaj to these people."
"Ouch," said Maka, wincing.
"Lowbrow, foul-mouthed, and unrefined," continued Kid. "And since that's how they see us, we can't use our normal training practices here without being horribly offensive. In short, treat everyone like they're made of glass."
"So, we're talking scary-crazy PC, here" said Black-Star, in contemplation.
"And as a counterpoint," said Kid, turning to the Ouran Weapons. "To us, you're like Kidz Bop: needlessly uptight, possessing questionable judgment, and ever-so-subtly disturbing."
"Well, that's a little harsh," said Maka.
"Only a little?" asked Tamaki.
"Sorry," she said, giving a helpless shrug. "Culture, am I right? What can you do? I suppose we could have also used that show about Glee Club, but the metaphor wouldn't be as apt."
"... never mind." said Kaoru, shuddering in horror.
Some time later, Aperture Science:
"Okay," said Kid, "Time to decide which universe to start hunting in."
"So, we're looking for seven hundred pre-Kishins and seven Witches?" asked Black-Star
"We could do that..." began Maka.
"...or," finished Kid, "we could go hunt us down some Kishin."
"Ki—Kishin?!" asked Renge's friend, Kristen.
"Yeah. GLaDOS, you were saying that, if a Kishin soul is used, you can usually get away with just one Kishin and one Witch soul to make a Death Scythe, right?"
"It depends on the power level," said the AI. "Your Asura was to Kishin what I am to computers. Some Kishin aren't any more powerful than ten normal pre-Kishin, it all depends on corruption, souls consumed, and other factors."
"What about those four Kishin we killed here?" asked Maka.
"They were AI," said GLaDOS. "They were unstable enough to be undone by paradox."
"Asura was killed by paradox," Liz pointed out.
"He probably had an abnormally logical mindset," said GLaDOS. "Most Kishin are of a more organic nature, and relatively much more stable."
"Okay, then: two questions:" said Kid. "One: is there a dimension with seven corrupt Witches and seven corrupt Kishin at least three-fourths as strong as Asura? Two: can you give us directions?"
"Creating more Death Scythes, are we?"
"However did you guess?"
"Query: do you care if the Witches are Fairies and the Kishin are Cats?"
"Will it affect the Death Scythes made in any way?"
"It shouldn't."
"Then we don't mind."
"To answer your question, no, I know of no dimension with those exact numbers. How do you feel about twenty-nine evil Kishin one half as as strong as your Asura and twelve Witches?"
"Let's go!"
"...Wait!" said one of the weapons, Reiko. "Shouldn't we do some planning and research first?"
The seven Shibusen kids stopped short.
They sighed.
"...all right," said Maka. "I guess we're doing things the responsible way. Come on, guys, let's go find the Cats, the Fairies, and we should probably talk to Ohtori also..."
The two armies had been massing for the better part of a day when the two strange Cats arrived, and started milling around the feline side of the feline-Fairy standoff.
Vash watched fondly as a butterfly fluttered past.
Million Knives killed the spider he'd been tracking surreptitiously for the past several minutes with a swipe of his claws.
Vash and Knives were brothers, two sandy-colored Cats with long and short hair respectively.
Now, these two, as a matter of fact, were not the strange Cats mentioned earlier: they were conscripted members of the standing army, and very good at their jobs, even if Vash did hate killing with every fiber of his being.
"Knives," said Vash, eyes narrowing in annoyance, "You really shouldn't do that."
"But you get all worked up if I kill sentient beings," said Knives. "Allow me some small pleasures in life, at least."
Before they could converse further, a violet Cat neither of them recognized pounced into view, making a great show of stalking the white butterfly Vash had just been admiring.
"Stop!" said Vash, his expression worried.
Knives hissed in warning.
Sensing she was about to do something she'd regret, the newcomer stopped mid-pounce. "Hello!" she said. "Sorry, I didn't realize you were going to eat that."
"We weren't," said Vash, "But we'd rather you didn't kill it, just the same."
"Which unit are you part of?" asked Knives. "Your commanding officer should have instilled at least some sense of discipline before letting you out into the field. Seems like standards are slipping again."
"We're visitors," said a tan Cat, walking up to stand on the purple Cat's tail to prevent her wandering off again. "You could call us... feliologists, of a sort. We're scouting out local culture, seeing if it's worth investing time and energy for a full-time study."
"You are aware that this is a battlefield?" asked Vash.
"Where better to observe a society?" asked Belzenef. "For it is how we conduct ourselves in war that reveals our fundamental character."
"Where are you two from exactly?" Knives asked.
"As far as you're concerned?" asked Belzenef, his tone dry. "An alternate universe."
"Right," said Knives disbelievingly. "I bet it's Lorgh. No one ever admits to being from Lorgh... and how do we know you're not spies for the bugs?"
"'Bugs'?" asked Blair, tilting her head to the side. "Oh, you mean the fairies. We're not here to get involved, but whether you believe us is up to you. If we were interested in spying, though, we've got both sides covered. We've got a pair of faeologist colleagues working the other side of the lines."
"You're working with fairies?" asked Vash, surprised.
"Definitely from Lorgh," muttered Knives.
Meanwhile, in the Fairy Army:
"Why do you have skulls on your uniforms?" asked Sapphire, her expression one of innocent curiosity.
"They represent Death," replied Holly, one of Captains who'd agreed to talk to them (with the ulterior motive of determining whether or not they were spies).
"Because it's inevitable?" asked Silver, trying to be open-minded about it. She lived not half a mile away from a place called 'Death City,' after all.
But Holly was shaking her head. "We've been pawns for so long that Death is our hope and only savior," she told them.
"What?" asked Sapphire.
"We don't want to kill the Cats, and they don't want to kill us," she said. "But we're controlled by the Witches, and they're under the thumb of the Kishin. All we can do is keep fighting until the end, when the grim reaper comes."
"A Shinigami?" asked Silver.
"I do not know that word," said Holly, "But Death rides a metallic mare with flaming mane, followed always by his two aids: the Assassin and the Cleric. The Assassin, the balanced one, kills people and brings their souls to Death; the Cleric, though darkest of the three, heals those whose time has not yet come. These two are his companions, whom he trusts to wield his own weapons without turning against him."
The two fairies exchanged a long look.
"That wouldn't happen to be a prophecy, by chance, would it?" asked Silver.
"No," said Holly. She turned to give those two her full attention. "Why?" she asked.
"Look behind you," suggested Sapphire.
Holly did.
She nearly plummeted from her perch on the tree in shock.
Though, admittedly the two DMD fairies understood a good deal more about what they were seeing than did Holly, Julius, or any of the other people they'd talked to.
Apparently, Kid and the others had put two and two together, and realized that slaughter was what was about to happen here, and were set on doing something about it.
Kid, it seemed, was working with Renge and her two friends, as he was holding the Demon Game Controller, and mashing buttons for all he was worth. The other two weapons were Mei Sonoda, a Boomerang, which he'd just thrown at the commander Witch's head, as well as Kristen Price, a Robot Unicorn, upon which rode Kid, clad in his Shinigami robe and mask. Kristen's weapon form allowed him to plough through the lower ranks out of his way and make a beeline for their target.
Black-Star was right behind him, also triple-wielding a Fan (Kanako), a can of Pepper Spray (Laura Saunders) and a Taser (Rebecca Ingold). It was the most girly of the three combos, and it was beyond the two fairies how he was making traditionally non-lethal weapons do so much damage.
Maka raced beside Black-Star in Kid's wake, apparently having partnered with the Black-Magic duo, and wielding a Baton (Reiko Kanazuki) and a Ring (Royce Carthage).
The Witch at the head of the Fairy Army went down screaming, and for a moment, there was heart rending silence as the Reaper stowed her soul away for later.
Then, the armies came to their senses and scattered.
They needn't have worried, though. As Death and his two assistants had eyes now for no one but the Cat Kishin who lead the other army.
Blair immediately transformed to help them, as did Belzenef. Sapphire and Silver followed suit (followed suit in helping, not transforming), despite the fact that neither of them was a great fighter.
The fight took no more than thirty minutes, and was concluded by a rock-paper-scissors tournament to determine which weapon got to consume which fraction of the Kishin's nine souls. Interestingly enough, the weapons themselves were apathetic about soul allocation, and it was left the wielders to advocate on their behalf.
"Well," said Kid, removing his mask, "That was a good day's work," he said, as the weapons consumed souls in the background.
"Seriously," said Silver, shaking her head. "You couldn't have waited half a day for us to scope the place out?"
"Hey, don't look at us!" said Black-Star. "It was the weapons who wanted to show up early. Sure, we're all for justice, but we're not about to drag unwilling comrades onto the battlefield. They were the ones who insisted we come and prevent needless slaughter."
"Really?" asked Blair. She'd gotten the impression that the Ouran weapons, by and large, were spineless wimps.
"We just couldn't sit back and watch innocent people die," said Kanako.
"Of course not," said Maka with a smile. "Of course, we've lost the element of surprise so I don't expect it will ever be that easy again, but..." she trailed off as she saw no fewer than twenty Cats and Fairies staring at them in awe.
"Um... hi?" she said, giving them a weak wave.
"Aaaaaah!" they screamed, running for the hills, terrified beyond belief by her simple greeting.
"So much for making a good impression," said Black-Star, not seeming bothered by their reception.
"Kyoya Ohtori is going to kill us," agreed Kid.
AN:
So, I just give OC's American names, because I'm pretty sure any non-American names I come up with would be stupid.
Also:
Anthropology: Study of humans.
Feliology: Study of Cats
Faeology: Study of Fairies.
(Only one of these three is a real word)