King Rat: Our Kingdom
Author Notes: Well, nobody complained too loud over the last chapter being too gross! I'll take it as a victory. Like I said, this one's a mite shorter, but plenty happens.
A review response for darkamberdragon: Ah, my jaw fell when I saw your review! If I'm doing a bad job, please tell me so! I admit, the last few chapters were maybe a bit unfocused and jumping around, but quite a few problems have converged on our heroes at once, sort of a "when it rains, it pours" situation, and time needed to pass. After this chapter, we're going to be single-mindedly focused on one specific problem, and the pace should even out. Please- EVERYONE- if I am making mistakes and the story is not what you want to read, let me know! I can try to fix things. (As for the "clan of the rose," suddenly the imagery Shuuei had of young Kouryuu against a rose background during the flashback in episode five or six makes a lot more sense and is a lot more icky. [Shuuei, no, he's like twelve.]) Thank you for continuing to read. I hope I do better in the future.
Oh, and a new cover! This was actually the first cover I drew for this story. I think I'll miss the flowers, but change is necessary. For a better view, try tinyurl (dot com) (slash) mbbryfb (Sorry for the weird formatting on that, but FFN is really anti-linking.)
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. All hail the great Minekura-sensei!
35: Love-Lies-Bleeding, Apt
"Gojyo? It's time to wake up now."
"Dunwanna. You're nice n' warm. S'like Sanzo."
"I'm not here, Gojyo. I can't be and never will be. Open your eyes."
Gojyo did; Koumyou's tone was so convincing he couldn't not. The warmth was still there, thin hands wrapped tight around his chest, caressing his breast, his sides. In his belly, Kana stirred to greet the day with a case of the hiccups, bouncing up towards his heart.
He was happy.
Why was he happy?
Koumyou wasn't there and couldn't be. That meant...
He twisted and turned his eyes over his shoulder, to find Sanzo curled up behind him. His jaw fell slack with shock for a myriad of reasons. Draped in early morning sunlight, Sanzo was beautiful. The shadow of the fall of his hair in his face softened the scowl that had rooted itself between his eyebrows, and the porcelain white of his skin glowed like a god's. Gojyo hadn't been treated to this sight in longer than he wanted to think. Next was that Sanzo's hand was still rubbing his side- and it had been on his distended belly. Sanzo was a too-thin layer of fabric away from his secret, and Gojyo had no defense against him.
Last, he didn't remember Sanzo coming in. He didn't let him in. If he was here...
Fuck!
He half-stumbled, half-rolled from Sanzo's grip, landing roughly on his knees, and flattened himself against the wall. His heart had lodged itself in his throat, and he couldn't breathe.
He was- touching- fucking- fuck!
"Shit... fuck...!" Nausea rocked his balance, and he whirled for the bathroom. His legs collapsed, boneless, beneath him, and he threw himself and everything inside of him into the toilet. He could taste bile from the violence of it, painful and wretched, until all he had left to reject were tears that he couldn't hold back. "I can't... I can't fucking-"
"Can't what?" He shivered when Sanzo's hands landed on his back, ready to eject his organs at the thrill of fear that ran through him.
He'll kill me, he'll scream at me, he'll take Kana away from me-
"C-Can't... breathe... too hot..." Gojyo wheezed, and spat into the toilet. A flick of the lever discarded his shame. Sanzo frowned over his shoulder, and reached for the bottom of Gojyo's sweatshirt.
"If you're feverish, let's take this off, and-"
"No!" Gojyo writhed back, unable to help the girlish squeal. His stomach was still seizing, and the baby's movements against it made it worse. Sanzo stared, confused, but reached a hand out.
"You look awful. It's like you haven't slept. You must have wiped yourself out just now." He crouched, speaking as if to a frightened cat. He doesn't even like cats, Gojyo thought, shivers making his teeth chatter. "Gojyo. Come back to bed."
"F-fuck. You gotta go." Gojyo swatted limply at the air in front of him. "Shouldn't be here- you- you have work to do- Lord Akio-"
"He has nothing to do with this. My work has nothing to do with this. I don't even need to do the work." His eyes flitted over Gojyo, toe to head. "I'll tell Hakkai you're not working today, and you can rest-"
"L-Lord Akio-!"
"Why are you so damned worried about that asshole?" Sanzo's tone broke from calm, but quickly forced it back in. Gojyo couldn't answer, his heart choking his voice to silence. "He's not here. I am. I know you said you didn't want me here, but-" Sanzo swallowed, and stretched his fingers closer. "You were having nightmares. They stopped when I got into bed with you." His eyes landed on the floor, and his voice dropped to a whisper. "It's your birthday. I'll wait on you hand and foot today if it'd please you. Get over here, change into cooler clothes, and rest."
But Gojyo couldn't hear him over the blood rushing in his ears, the panic screaming through his veins. Akio. What would Akio do this time? It could be anything. It could be anyone. It all battered around his head like a tornado. Lord Akio. Sanzo. Hakkai. Jien. Yohei. Eiji. Kana. Everything he loved, burning from the top down, and it all overcame him. The rush of hormones, the panic, and the writhing of Kana against his ribs broke something inside of him, and he curled into a ball and pressed his eyes into his knees. Sanzo's jaw hung open as Gojyo started to weep uncontrollably.
He'd seen Gojyo cry before. It was rare, but Sanzo had seen him at his best and at his worst, and his worst had included the occasional bout of tears sprung from under an emotional dam of masculinity and masquerade. Most of the time, Gojyo brushed them off to force a smile again, smoothing his despondency over like clay. He couldn't remember the last time Gojyo had outright wept in front of him, but it had been years.
"What the hell, Gojyo?" Sanzo crept closer on his knees and tried to push Gojyo's hair aside to see his face. He felt childish, even more so when Gojyo flapped a hand to brush him off like a fly buzzing in his ear.
"Just... just get away from me!" He sobbed sharply, and drawing his knees in to protect his middle. I have to stop loving Sanzo, the worst part of his soul urged him. Protect your children, protect everyone, protect him, and stop loving him! "Damn it, I can't talk to you!"
"Don't push me away now," Sanzo muttered in a low, almost dangerous tone. "What did I do?" He reached out again, but Gojyo tried to make himself smaller and crouch in the corner. Sanzo took an anxious breath, willing everything he knew about love and care to the forefront of his mind, things he'd learned from Gojyo, and forcing it over his tongue. "Gojyo, whatever this is, it can be fixed. If you don't tell me what the problem is, then I can't do anything."
"See?" It was a kinder voice that whispered this. "Tell him. Tell him now. Tell him about her. He will love her. He will forgive you. He said he can fix it. How wonderful will that be?"
"K-Kouryuu..." Gojyo swallowed another heave, as Sanzo waited. He couldn't see the hope flooding Sanzo under his cool exterior, couldn't sense the anticipation that his long-stiff face could never betray. "Kou- I- I'm-"
How is he going to fix it?
Gojyo's breath hitched, but he forced himself to look up at Sanzo. "Kou, I'm-"
"Papa!" Sanzo flinched, and both men looked to see Eiji at the door. Sanzo turned with a wince, and guilt nipped at him- he knew Eiji was a light sleeper, and he had no idea how loud they'd gotten. Neither had any idea how long he'd been there, either. Eiji tottered towards Gojyo, and wrung the hem of his nightshirt between his hands. "Papa, is Daddy okay?"
"Daddy's fine, kiddo," Gojyo choked out, and buried his face in his arms. Sanzo turned around to Eiji.
"He's just not feeling well." He hoisted Eiji up into his arms, and touched his nose to his. "I'm here to take care of him now. I'm sorry I was not before."
"Oh, Papa, no!" Eiji clung tight to him. "It's okay! It's 'cause you're busy, right? It's okay." He started to sniffle. "He's been sick a while, an' you were here sometimes! It's okay, it's okay." He rubbed his nose, mumbling 'it's okay' under his breath over and over, and Sanzo held him tighter.
"That's right. It's okay. Let's go get you dressed." He cast his eyes back at Gojyo, mouthed, 'I'll be back,' then carried Eiji out. Gojyo rolled to a kneel and launched himself forward to slam the door shut and throw the lock, then rinsed his mouth out.
I could have admitted it right there. I could have solved it all. God, what the hell was I about to do? He shook his head and spat. This has gone too far. I'm gonna lose it if I don't find some solution.
He curled up behind the door to calm himself down, but felt the door shake when Sanzo landed on the other side. "You're shutting me out again." Gojyo winced slowly, but buried his face in his folded arms. Sanzo, on the other side of the door, pushed the back of his head to the door. "I'm not leaving." He tried to push his fingers under the door, but as thin as they were, they weren't quite slender enough to fit through that small of a gap. "You were going to tell me something." His breath hitched, and he braced himself. His voice dropped to a kitten-soft whisper; "My love, please, just tell me."
Gojyo had heard it, and he felt his heart nearly stop. He is trying. He does love me. He pushed his head deeper into the gap between his arms and chest. All the more reason for me to find an end to this. He managed to make himself speak; "Look, I'll rest, I swear. Please just take the boys to school."
"Anything." Sanzo's fingers were still shaking; he hadn't even gotten to see Gojyo's reaction, after all of his practice. "I'll see you tonight. I'll have a better present for you then."
"I don't want a better present, Kou. You're all I need." Sanzo could barely hear this, muffled by the door and Gojyo's posture. Gojyo refused to draw his face out of his arms, but shook his head down at the little lump of his belly.
I'm sorry, Kana. Someone will love you. It just can't be me.
Hakkai eventually retrieved Gojyo after Sanzo had left with the children, politely informing him as much, and he made himself presentable and pushed himself through the motions of the morning. He stood in the shower, let the water run through his hair, and stared at the tiles. He picked at his breakfast until it got cold, and watched the transit of the sun across the floor as he sat at his desk and worked through the few orders they had. They didn't need any more backup bouquets or ready-made; business was too slow to have more than they did at the moment. He wasn't even allowed to help clean the stockroom- Hakkai insisted it would be too dangerous for him to lift and move things, or to even be around the bare-bones shelving unit. So, he sat and watched as Ryuichi, home from school (for reasons the boy did not explain), took charge in cleaning in preparation for the winter shutdown. Hakkai divided his time between the front counter when customers were around, or going outside to "winterize" the house, as he put it. The entire time, he was intensely aware of the weight at his hips. Kana was as active as ever, and danced her way through his limited facade. He tried not to wince every time her foot landed on his stomach, and wordlessly rushed off to empty his bladder whenever she attacked it. Even Ryuichi noticed his listlessness.
"Gojyo, is something wrong?" It was a stupid question, and he knew it. He'd known something was wrong, had been wrong, and perhaps was only getting worse, but it was only polite to ask him to share. Gojyo shot upright as his question, and grinned at his erstwhile little brother.
"Eh. Heartburn." He thumped his chest with one hand. "I'm fine, kid."
"Huh." Ryuichi was surprised to have gotten a straight answer out of him, and one he could even reply to: "The old guys at the post office say smoking helps their heartburn. Why don'cha take a smoke break? It's a slow day anyway."
Gojyo clicked his tongue. "I don't take stock in that old wives' shit." He reached for his back pocket and pulled out his pack of Hi-Lites. He didn't even know why he bothered to equip himself with them morning after morning; he hadn't had one in over two months. In fact- "Take 'em." He tossed the pack across the hall to Ryuichi, who fumbled but caught them. "I don't need 'em."
"Eh? But-" Ryuichi opened the pack. "It's still almost full."
"Take 'em, trust me. It's better than the shit you've been smoking, and the kids'll thank you if you keep me off of 'em." He grinned and tucked his hands in his sweatshirt pocket. He could feel one of them thanking him already, her little feet thrusting against his skin.
He couldn't tell Ryuichi that he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for something awful to come. He was just waiting for assassins or murderers to show up, or someone ready to firebomb the house. He could just feel his shakujou at his fingertips, ready to materialize at any second, ready for the fight to start.
But it never came. Gojyo made it through the uneventful day and picked up the twins from school. He gripped both hands tighter than usual, though neither noticed, and mumbled an apology for being sick in the morning. Yohei hadn't even noticed, but Eiji smiled and shrugged it off.
"I'm just happy you're okay, Daddy."
They talked over him the whole way. He smiled and nodded as they babbled about their day over one another, listening to and responding out of both sides of his mouth. Yohei bounced around his ankles, and Eiji skipped at his side.
"My team won the soccer game!" Yohei grinned and mimicked his winning kick.
"Kiddo, your team always wins." Gojyo laughed and squeezed his palm. "It's 'cause you're the strongest!"
"And Miss Feng says I have the best script!" Eiji cut in proudly. "An' Yohei's is bad."
"She didn't say that!" Yohei tried to kick Eiji's ankle, but Gojyo yanked him back to his other side.
"Eiji, don't you talk smack about your big brother. Yohei, let him be good at writing." He smirked down at the two of them in turn. "I'm just proud you guys are both the strongest, just in different ways."
"But Dad, I wanna be the best at everything!" Yohei tugged Gojyo's arms. "It's only fair, I'm older!"
"By ten minutes!" Eiji moaned, and Gojyo laughed sharply. They started to argue like a pair of clucking chickens, and Gojyo chuckled to himself, squeezed their hands a little tighter, and let them quarrel as they passed the temple gate along their way.
"Ah." Gojyo's heart turned to ice when he heard a familiar voice from the stairs, and Akio pranced down to step in front of them. "Lord Sanzo's little foundlings! I haven't seen these two in such a long time!" He smiled an eerie, foxlike little smile, and Gojyo's heart shook at the sheer eagerness in his voice.
"Excuse us, we're gonna be late for dinner."
"Ah, but I must insist. These are, after all, Lord Sanzo's beloved little wards. Let me see your faces." He knelt to meet the boys' eyes, and Eiji cowered behind Gojyo while Yohei clung to his leg. Akio's smile would have been serene to anyone else, but to Gojyo, those lips could strip paint. "How very handsome you have become. You look so much like your father."
Yohei, to Gojyo's surprise, spoke. "You." He let go of Gojyo's leg, and pointed at Akio. "You made Papa mad."
"Yohei-" Gojyo grabbed his shoulder, but Yohei continued, louder.
"He yelled at us! He was angry at us and everyone and then he was gone, and it was all 'cause of you!" Gojyo's heart raced- how long had Yohei known this? When did it click for him? Eiji- did Eiji know too? Gojyo looked down at him, and he looked, wide-eyed, back up.
"It's the man in black, Daddy," Eiji whispered, and Yohei tensed, hackles rising. Gojyo clutched both little hands tight.
"Guys, let's just go, let's get going." Gojyo started to yank them off the sidewalk into the street, but Yohei dug his heels in. "Come on, Uncle Ha will be so mad if we're late-"
"I hate you!" Yohei spat at Akio, and the lord sat back on his haunches, eyes wide but amused. "I'm the strongest in my class, and I'm gonna get stronger! When I'm big, I'll get you! Nobody hurts my brother or Daddy or Papa!"
Gojyo promptly yanked Yohei off the ground and threw him over his shoulder. He flinched as the effort made all the muscles in his belly seize, but he didn't care. "Yohei, we do not talk that way!" Eiji stuffed his thumb into his mouth, and he escorted them both away, Yohei sulking onto his back. Akio, however, was laughing, and hard. Why was he laughing? Gojyo's gut clenched.
Yohei scowled around the bar of soap in his mouth as he watched the sand fall in the little hourglass. Neither Hakkai nor Gojyo were watching him. Upon seeing Gojyo carrying the boy into the apartment, Hakkai yanked him right into a chair to calm his aching insides. "Now Gojyo, you know very well you're not meant to carry more than ten kilograms. Just how much do you think you were carrying?"
"Uh- twenty?"
"Seventeen, plus one for his backpack." Hakkai sighed, and glanced over his shoulder. Eiji and Ryuichi were playing checkers well out of earshot, and he bowed his head into Gojyo's ear. "You could have hurt Kana, or yourself. Your ligaments are much looser in this state. If you had pulled a muscle-"
"Shit man, I know!" Gojyo groaned. "What would you have done? He was threatening the fucking Lord!"
"I probably would have lifted him too," Hakkai admitted with a giggle. "But I'm not bearing a more delicate load. Now, Gojyo." He looked over his shoulder again. "Yohei, is that five minutes? You may go." Yohei scampered off to join the other two, and Hakkai turned back to Gojyo. "Gojyo, what's wrong? He pulled another kitchen chair around to face him. "You've been off all day. Sanzo was asking me this morning, and I didn't know what to tell him other than it was a side effect of the medicine. But you're jumpy, unfocused. Anxious."
"Bro, you know what happened last time Sanzo stayed overnight!" Gojyo groaned and dug his fingers into his hair. "He... he was in bed with me. Why would you let him in?"
"What would you have told me to do?" Hakkai lifted his hands. "'Good job making it here without getting arrested, now go home'? He..." He lowered his chin. "He was quite insistent." Hakkai glanced out and around towards the windows. "I've been on the lookout all day, and thus far, nothing. Was it really so bad?"
"He was touchin' Kana!" Gojyo held his middle, reminding Hakkai that it was there. "She doesn't ever fucking stop moving! He could'a felt her goin', and then what the fuck happens? He'll know."
"Is that what you were worried about?"
"Ahh..." Gojyo moaned; he knew how stupid he sounded right now. "More about Akio than Sanzo. He's gonna pull somethin'." Gojyo glanced to the three boys at play in the other room. Yohei was arguing with Ryuichi over a move ("There's no illegal moves, it's checkers!") but he couldn't see out the window from there. "Don't you get it? He was looking at the boys' faces. He's gonna memorize what they look like. That's the only reason Yohei had a chance to scream at him. Akio definitely knows Sanzo was here this morning. He's gonna pull something, and soon." Gojyo put his fist down on the table. "I'm startin' to think we're in danger here!"
Hakuryu screeched from his perch at the window, and Hakkai turned to hush him, before facing Gojyo again. "You're being paranoid. I can understand it, but surely you're more worried about what should happen if Sanzo should-"
A great clatter arose from below, and the floor beneath them shook. Both Hakkai and Gojyo sprung up to their feet and rushed for the door, Gojyo yelling a warning for the children to stay where they were, and the two of them dashed down the stairs. All Gojyo saw was glass reflecting the sunset, and the vinyl 85 from their front window- along with the rest of the glass- shattered in pieces on the floor. Their bay window, the solid plate glass, sat in pieces all over the floor, and a cracked brick sat against the back wall under a plate-sized shatter in the drywall as their only clue of the cause. Gojyo gaped in horror, as Hakkai's face completely blanched.
"Hakkai, how fucking expensive is that window?"
"That would be very expensive." Hakkai mouthed a few figures. "I'd estimate three weeks' worth of our income, in the busy season."
"How the hell are we going to replace that?!" Gojyo threw his hands up in disgust, then turned and punched the wall. "It's cold as balls, flower prices are gettin' higher every day, and we're about to shut down! How are we supposed to operate like this?! How-" Gojyo choked on the words. "How are we gonna keep the boys safe with a big gaping hole in our front wall?"
"You know, I've been thinking." Hakkai kept his shoulders stiff, as Gojyo took the last step down into the shop. "Perhaps, this year, you should come with me to Zhengzhou. We'll take winter jobs there, live frugally, and save up money to replace our window. The both of us will have to go, of course; it's a very expensive window, after all."
"Zhengzhou," Gojyo repeated faintly, and stared at the ruined mess that once was their front window, slowly recalling what few scraps of information he knew about the place. "That's three days' travel by Jeep. Five by horse. You're talking about skipping town completely."
"Precisely." Hakkai crouched and scooped a few pieces of glass into his other palm, forlornly thumbing the blunted edges. "Just for the season, you see." He gave Gojyo a meaningful look. "After all, flowers will bloom again in March."
"We'll have to take the boys. We'll have to take them out of school here, put them in school there- ugh." He slowly crouched to help Hakkai, and winced as he got low enough. "Damn..."
"Don't, you'll strain something." Hakkai dumped a few pieces of glass into the dustbin, and pulled it closer. Gojyo curled himself to a gradual stand, holding his middle through his sweater. Hakkai took up the brush to sweep, and reassured Gojyo, "We'll certainly take the boys. I can homeschool them for the last month of the year and work during the evenings or mornings; I'll go get a copy of the curriculum. It's only kindergarten, so there's no great test. Ryuichi, we should leave here; nobody will think to check his basement room if they should break into the shop, and he can keep watch over everything. We can send him money to save and order a new window, and take care of himself. He'll be seventeen soon, he should learn to live on his own a bit."
"I guess you're right." It was not as if there'd be any point to arguing, anyway. He didn't have any better ideas. "But fuck." He pressed his palms to his aching lower back. "Maybe, if I'm gone for a while, it'll take the heat off, and Akio will go away, or something." He dropped his gaze. "And Kana..."
"It's like you said." Hakkai leaned forward to look into his eyes. "Sanzo has come dangerously close to your secret. If you're unable and unwilling to confess, then it's time we hid."
"Out of sight, out of mind," Gojyo muttered, and scrubbed his face with his palm. "God damn it all to hell."
A strident voice interrupted from outside: "What the hell?" Gojyo and Hakkai both looked to see Goku and Sanzo standing at the window, and Goku pointed in horror at the jagged maw where the glass once sat. "They smashed your window!"
"Thanks, Captain Obvious." Gojyo forced a lopsided grin. "They ought'a give you a fuckin' medal for brilliance like that, monkey."
"Screw you, kappa, this is serious!"
"What happened?" Sanzo demanded. Gojyo swallowed his smile to neutral calm and retrieved the brick from the back of the shop.
"We didn't see it happen. This is the best clue we got." Gojyo went to the window and dropped the brick outside of the shop at Sanzo's feet. "If I had to hazard a guess, it'd take a youkai's strength to put that thing through this glass and halfway through the back goddamned wall, but we have no proof."
"We've had some vandalism before, but this is the worst yet," Hakkai contributed from the floor. Goku vaulted the window into the shop and helped him pick up the glass. Sanzo frowned, and the evening shadows darkened his eyes.
"I don't remember this."
Gojyo and Hakkai traded a knowing look, and Gojyo slowly answered, "We don't have any proof, but we're pretty sure our pipes getting fucked a few months back was done deliberately."
"Fuck." Sanzo finally followed Goku through the window, and stepped back to observe the two of them scooping glass up. "You can't live here like this."
Gojyo and Hakkai exchanged eye contact again, and Gojyo sighed deeply and led Sanzo into the house. "Kou... I'm so sorry..."
"It'll be like a winter vacation," Gojyo had explained to the children with his biggest grin. "We're gonna have adventures in a whole new place!"
Hakkai spoke to Ryuichi with a hand on his shoulder. "You'll learn some responsibility on your own. Plus, I spoke to Miss Nuo; she said she'll let you stay with her if you truly feel unsafe."
Sanzo was not so easily mollified. Gojyo had managed to keep a smirk on and counter every one of Sanzo's retorts to his logic with simple reasoning.
It was just too risky to leave the little children in a house with such a big, gaping security hole. They couldn't do business with the shop wrecked, and they needed money badly to fix the window. Both he and Hakkai had to go, or they just wouldn't make enough money before winter was over.
"We'll set aside enough for the mortgage here, but whatever we earn out there is for here. If it's just Hakkai, we might be able to feed ourselves alright, but we need the extra for the stupid window." Gojyo stuffed his hands in his pockets and cocked his hips. The boys were already distracted with Goku telling them stories about how they'd all four traveled together before, and even Ryuichi was listening intently. Gojyo could only hear the echoes of his voice from the boys' dim bedroom, far too interested in drinking in every last second of Sanzo he could get. Even if Sanzo was rightfully pissed. "Honestly, I'm surprised I'm being the reasonable one here."
"You're leaving," Sanzo growled, but Gojyo heard the unspoken "me." At this close distance, between the beds, there was an intense intimacy that was only more dangerous by the second. "You expect me to accept it as if it's nothing?"
"Hey, it's you talking." Gojyo took his hand and squeezed it. "Muichimotsu. If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha, so on, so forth." Sanzo closed his eyes, as Gojyo finished the saying: "Live your life as it is, not bound to anything. This is mostly the 'live your life as it is' part. I'm still bound to you, darlin', but you're not a thing. You're everything, and that ain't changed."
He waited for the offer from Sanzo for him to simply buy the new window, but it didn't come. Of course it didn't; he'd made sure Sanzo would never try to even conceivably buy his love again. Sanzo just shook his head. "Were you considering going with Hakkai even before this?"
"Yeah." Gojyo's shoulders slouched forward, but he kept making himself smile. Sanzo probably needed to see him smile right now. "What can I say? Extra money's good to have on hand. This just clinched it."
"You have to tell me these things," Sanzo huffed, and folded his arms over his heart. "How long will you be gone?"
"Just 'til March. We'll need to be back to open the shop again, not to mention enrolling the boys in grade school." Gojyo's head fell, his eyes trailed down past the round of his middle and to his toes. Four months was hardly a 'just 'til,' and both of them knew it. "Maybe sooner if we can swing it." He didn't have to meet Sanzo's eyes to see the unflinching scowl. "I'll write you. All the time. The Shangri-La post can have our letters back and forth in just five days." Sanzo's fists clenched, then unclenched.
"I can make some stupid excuse to come with you. I'll say I'm going on pilgrimage."
"Kou, please." Gojyo's hands shot out and caught Sanzo's hips. You're not supposed to beg, stupid. You don't beg. "Don't make shit up for my sake. Look, you won't even miss me." The false grin was back in full force. "We'll take pictures. Lots of pictures. And the boys- they're getting better at writing! They'll send you letters too."
"It doesn't change that you'll be gone." Sanzo shifted Gojyo's hands off with a step back. Yeah, he's done begging.
"I know." Gojyo let the smile break for good. "I... I should'a said something sooner. Big mistake. Look, can we not argue about this? It's not going to change it."
"Hmph." Sanzo's eyes hooded, and Gojyo couldn't stop the sigh.
"Right. Will you stay overnight with the boys? Give them a nice, heavy dose of Papa time, while me and 'Kai take care of some stuff."
"You couldn't make me leave this house tonight with a fucking bulldozer," Sanzo growled, and whirled on his heel. He stopped at the door between the bedroom and the hall. "And-" He reached into the sleeve of his robe and flung a small parcel at Gojyo over his shoulder. Gojyo caught it against his chest, and flinched before Sanzo even said it: "Happy birthday." And he no longer darkened the door.
Gojyo forced himself to peel the paper off, letting his legs buckle to sit on Eiji's bed. It was a small box, no bigger than his hand. He pulled the lid off, and uncovered a collection of paper lotuses on red and yellow-patterned washi paper, gathered into a little bundle. They would yellow eventually, or crumple, but Sanzo didn't like permanent things. Gojyo did, but then, he'd already given up on the thing he wanted to keep forever more than anything. Looking down at his pants, he could see a few drops fall from his eyes and down. He instead let his eyes slip shut to block the tears off. Maybe he deserved this present, maybe he didn't. He didn't have time to question it. There was too much to do. In a way, this journey would be harder than the last.
The first step is usually the hardest. The last time he'd had to leave home, he just had to fall in step with his friends. This time, he had to break anchor first, and he wasn't sure he was strong enough. He just had to be. There was no going back. There was never going back.
(Suggested Track: "Murder in the City," by The Avett Brothers)
Gojyo and Hakkai had somehow managed to cobble their flight together in the space of a night, gathering paperwork, leaving messages for the school, and packing their bags. Gojyo could hardly imagine their entire lives could fit into four suitcases, and they didn't. There was too much left behind, and not just summer clothes and old toys. The sentiments of the little house they occupied, the laughter that filled the room over their evening meals, the contentment of making an honest living and making others smile, the warmth of the bedroom and its plush quilt (and the bodies that once slumbered under it,) the warmth made by its occupants. There was no way to take all of that with them, even if it were possible to hold emotion in canvas with zippers and snaps. They simply ripped out the most necessary parts, patched only with Yohei's striped bed sheet over the ruined window, as Sanzo lay awake between the twins' bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to the sound of their breathing. Gojyo, too, lay in his bed. Kana seemed to writhe downwards the entire night. He couldn't blame her; surely, she just wanted to get to Sanzo to say hello and goodbye.
A thin mist cloaked the city in the near-dawn morning; not enough to soak, but enough to make the air moist and heavy. Hakkai insisted they leave early- "The sooner we leave, the sooner we arrive." Gojyo silently wondered what Akio would do to punish them for Sanzo staying the night this time, but he was fine with not sticking around to find out. Hakuryu was content to carry their few necessities in his boot, and Sanzo and Gojyo loaded the groggy twins into the back seat. Yohei scantly opened his eyes as Sanzo buckled his seatbelt.
"Ah, are you awake?" Sanzo's voice was soft and soothing; Gojyo thought it might have sounded familiar. "Can Papa say goodbye?" Yohei reached for him, and Sanzo patted him back down against the seat by his shoulder to keep him from locking the belt. "I'm very sad to see you go. I'll miss you." He leaned in and kissed Yohei's forehead, and Yohei hugged onto him.
"I'll miss you too, Papa," he mumbled into Sanzo's sutra. "I love you."
"You, too." Sanzo fluffed his hair and kissed his cheek. He circled around the car to Eiji, who was already rousing from being out in the cold. He saw Sanzo coming, and hugged Neffy tight.
"Papa, I don't wanna leave," he sniffled, and rubbed his nose into the elephant's ear.
"Only for a little while. You'll be home before you know it." He kissed Eiji's ear and across his forehead. Gojyo felt his heart melt in his chest at the affection that he'd learned, that he'd dragged out from deep in the memories embedded in him. He didn't know when he would see it again. "And Papa will send letters," Sanzo added, and glanced to Gojyo. "You will write."
"Every week." Gojyo tucked his hands into his sweatshirt pocket. "Photos, too. You just better write back."
"I'll write back. As soon as I get your letter, I'll reply." He turned back to Eiji. "I'll fill envelopes with my love, just for you and Yohei and your Dad." Gojyo nearly winced; it was almost too sappy, but Sanzo had picked up some oddly sweet lines to use on the boys.
He was going to miss that. He hoped upon hope that Sanzo could hold onto that intense sweetness under his bastard-flavored shell for a few months of disuse.
"I won't change, Eiji. I know you will, but don't let it change that I'm your Papa, and I love you all more than I do anything in the world." Gojyo smirked; he knew Sanzo didn't love anything else in the world. Left him more love for the family, after all. "And when I come back, I'll love you more."
"But Papa, you love us so much already!"
"I'll find a way." Sanzo kissed his forehead again, and pulled some blankets over the boys' chests. He then returned to Gojyo, and asked under his breath: "It has to be this abrupt, does it?"
"Like ripping off a band-aid, babe." Gojyo sighed, and surveyed the twins bundled up in the car for a very long moment. His heart twisted, but he had to at least make the offer. "Do you wanna keep one of 'em?" Sanzo frowned, as Gojyo thumbed over his shoulder to the boys. "I know it sounds crazy, but, y'know, I thought maybe you'd wanna have one of them with you here, so you wouldn't... y'know."
"Hn." Sanzo folded his arms and shook his head. "That would be unfair to them. They're twins; two cigarettes in a hard case. They belong together."
"Yeah, guess you're right. Still thought I'd offer." Gojyo shook his head. "I'll write the second we get settled. Just send letters to the return address. They'll appreciate that."
"As will I." Sanzo's hand drifted forward, and Gojyo dropped one hand from his pocket to take it. Sanzo glanced over his shoulder to Hakkai and Goku, the former loading a cooler of drinks and snacks, the latter whispering goodbyes to the boys, and whispered, "I'll miss you."
"You, too." Gojyo's heart twisted, and it made his next words tremble: "I love you, Kouryuu."
"And I, you." Sanzo stepped in and kissed Gojyo's cheek, then let go of his hand. Gojyo managed another weak smile.
"It's only a few months, right? I'll be back, I promise. Just try not to worry about us." He fortified his smile with the memories he had of the two of them together. The day Sanzo told him he loved him, the day they got the twins home, the joys of making an everyday life with one another, the peaceful nights they spent together, all the comfort Sanzo's intense little heart could provide. "Don't change." Gojyo bowed his head, and lied, "I won't."
"You better not." And Gojyo hid the wince into his bowed head. "Hey." Sanzo tipped Gojyo's chin up, eyes squinted, and spoke deliberately. "Zhengzhou's a youkai town, isn't it? I've heard it's dangerous."
"I only really know where it is and that it's there," Gojyo admitted, and Sanzo dropped his hand from his face. He hadn't heard about danger- what was Hakkai dragging him into? "Is it that bad?"
"I wouldn't know. Never been. All I mean is..." Sanzo narrowed his eyes. "If you get your stupid self killed out there, I'm not going off and seeking revenge." He tucked his arms against his chest, tightly folded. "So, don't die."
"We'll see." Gojyo smirked. "Just you watch; I'll get myself in some idiotic trouble like usual, and you and the monkey and Hakkai'll have to run after me and bail me out."
"Don't you dare," Goku piped up from over Gojyo's shoulder. He elbowed Gojyo's arm and cut into the conversation. "But I already told the little cousins that if there's ever any trouble, I'll come runnin'!" He squeezed onto Gojyo's shoulder. "You be careful, okay?" His eyes passed quickly between Sanzo and Gojyo a few times. "You're sure it's alright?"
"Ain't got no choice, monkey-brains." Goku wilted forward, and Gojyo patted his back. "Keep him company, okay?"
"Send pictures," Goku mumbled. "Send lots of pictures."
Hakkai started the Jeep, then joined the other three. "Until next spring, then." He gave Goku a hug, which Goku returned with double force, then held a hand out for Sanzo to shake, which Sanzo scoffed at.
"It's not forever. Don't act so damned formal."
Hakkai laughed his normal, vague, airy laugh. "Of course. Gojyo, if you're ready." He took hold of Gojyo's shoulder to break him away, and the two of them got into the car.
"See you guys!" Gojyo grinned over his shoulder, and Hakkai waved, then cranked the Jeep into first gear. Gojyo threw his seat belt on, and they pulled away. Their house- their home, and all the sentiment and warmth in it- was left behind them, with Sanzo and Goku in its shadow. Sanzo watched and Goku waved as they drove east down the hill and towards the city limits.
Sanzo closed his fists as Gojyo vanished from view, and looked to Goku. Goku smiled up at him, but even Sanzo could see the shake in his expression. "It'll be great when he gets back, right?"
It will. I'll make it so. He turned on his heel, scoffing in response to Goku's question. "Come on. I have work to do, and the monks were asking if you could help with training again today." Sanzo couldn't say it aloud- he wasn't good at that sort of thing- but this could be an opportunity for him. He wasn't especially good at saying how he felt, but he could certainly try to write it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, doesn't it?
In the Jeep, Hakkai half-noticed Gojyo slump down in his seat. He didn't take his eyes from the road nor his hands from the wheel, as there was quite a lot of precious cargo on board, but he tilted his head towards Gojyo. "We should be far enough out of even Goku's earshot now. I won't begrudge you for crying."
"I don't give a fuck if you begrudge me or not," Gojyo muttered, and rubbed his aching eyes. "Damn it. How did I get in this damned deep?"
End Notes: I did mention our heroes going to Zhengzhou at some point, did I not? Back in chapter one? I'm just seeing the torches and pitchforks coming for me now...
Flowers of the week: Love-Lies-Bleeding (Amaranth)- hopeless, not heartless; and/or devotion.
Lotus: estranged love.
Next time, the road east. Don't forget to review!