Chapter 36
Dean felt the tension slowly ease from his body over every mile the Impala traveled into the night. The partially rolled-down wind blew in a cool breeze that the hunter relished breathing in. The dark road before them was deserted and the only sounds that could be heard were the car's motor purring along the road and the soft music playing from the radio. The brothers had spent the last ten minutes in amiable silence, each happy just to be in each other's company, both comforted by its familiarity.
After a while, however, Sam decided it was time for them to talk.
"Hey… Dean?"
Dean glanced over at him, unable to help tensing slightly at Sam's tone. "Yeah?"
"Are you going to tell me why you called? I mean… I'm glad you did… but… you haven't exactly been very talkative the last couple weeks…"
Dean sighed. "I know… I know, Sam. And I'm sorry. I've been a real douche bag."
Sam began to protest. "No, Dean-"
"Yeah, I have. I know I've said some shitty things and I've done even worse. I just… I did some thinking… and I know I need to be a little more honest, you know? I mean… I know I have to talk about what I'm feeling… that's what the doc said anyway… it's just… not used to it I guess…"
He made himself look up at Sam who was nodding.
"I know, Dean… Dad didn't really raise us to talk things out…"
Dean nodded with a smirk. "Yeah… but get this. Dad actually went to Dr. Morgan?"
Sam looked at him in shock.
"Seriously? Dad!?"
"I know, right? I couldn't believe it either."
Sam paused for a moment before he hesitantly spoke.
"So… what did he see him for?"
Dean shrugged. "Dunno. Doc hasn't told me. I guess it's that whole patient privacy stuff."
The brothers were silent again for a few minutes, listening to AC/DC on the radio.
"Dean… you still haven't told me why you called," Sam said finally, bringing them back to the original conversation.
Dean sighed. He looked out the window as he tried to figure out how to say it, but nothing came to mind. He finally took a deep breath.
"It… it was another nightmare," He said quietly.
Sam nodded, waiting patiently for the rest of the story. Dean balled his hands up into fists, trying to control the shaking he could feel in his body.
"I was… back there… in Hell… and he… Alistair… was there… well… it was basically the same dream I always have… I'm always back there… and he's always there… and he's always cutting me up… that's how they always start…"
Dean swallowed hard as he kept his gaze focused on the darkened view outside the car window. He couldn't bring himself to look at Sam while sharing this. He didn't want to see Sam's reaction, whatever the reaction may be.
"This one… he was cutting me… again… and…" Dean tried to moisten his lips with his parched tongue. "He said stuff…"
He fell silent and Sam could sense how difficult this was for him to be sharing.
"What did he say?" Sam asked quietly.
Dean took a deep breath and tried to blink back the tears he could feel forming.
"He… he said that… that I was a monster… that nothing the doc would do would ever change that… that I would always be a monster… and you…" Dean's voice caught and he shook his head.
Sam frowned, trying to remain focused on the road, but also trying to watch his brother.
"What did he say about me?"
A bitter smile touched Dean's lips.
"That when found out… found out what I monster I am… you'll leave."
Dean closed his eyes, the words of his confession cutting through him like Alistair's blade. God, it hurt to tell Sam that, even though they had already had this discussion the previous day.
Sam sat silently for a moment, staring at the road ahead of him, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. Suddenly, he jerked the steering wheel to the right, yanking the car to the side of the road, and then slammed on the brakes. Dean nearly fell over at the abrupt stop.
"Dude! What the fuck?" Dean yelped as he tried to right himself.
Sam slammed the car into park and spun around to face Dean. His face was more serious than Dean could ever remember seeing it before.
"Alright. Let's get one thing fucking straight right now, Dean. I am not going anywhere! I don't give a shit about what you did in Hell. You are not a monster. Alistair is a fucking lying piece of shit of a demon and he doesn't know a fucking thing about us! You are my brother, Dean! And I already lost you once and I swear I'm not going to let it happen again! So next time you have one of your dreams you tell that mother fucker that he's full of shit. I'm your brother and I will never leave you again. And I'm not going to let you leave me either! We're in this together and we'll get through this together."
Dean stared at Sam who met his gaze without an ounce of fear. Dean knew Sam meant every word he was saying.
"I… I know, Sam… it's just… it's just when I have those dreams… shit, Sam… it's like I'm right back there… and there's no hope… there's just… pain… fear…"
"But you're not there, Dean! You're back here! You're back with us. And you're not going back there. I won't let you and neither will Castiel. You won't ever go back!"
Dean laughed bitterly. "Are you sure? I mean, once all this is over it wouldn't surprise me if they toss me back in the Pit. I mean, it's not like they would want me upstairs!"
Sam glared at him. "Stop saying that! That's bullshit and you know it! And what the hell is that saying about me then? I have demon blood in me! If either of us has the ticket straight to Hell it's me!"
Now it was Dean's turn to glare. "That wasn't your choice, Sam! I made a choice to do what I did!"
Sam laughed. "Please! Dean, you have no idea some of the stupid ass choices I have made since you've been gone! I've done some really messed up things. Things that I never even thought I was capable of doing, but I did them anyways! And I made the choice to do them! So what does that say about me? Do you hate me now? Are you going to leave me because of it?"
Dean was speechless. He shook his head as he struggled to speak.
"I… you… Sam, you know I'd never leave you!"
Sam nodded, obviously satisfied. "Good. So quit talking about me leaving! I'm staying and you're staying so it looks like we're going to be stuck with each other until the bitter end. So deal with it."
Silence fell over the brothers again. Dean couldn't help but be amazed that despite all the other crap in his life that he could have been lucky enough to have Sam for a brother. That Sam was one of the few things in his life he could depend on. It was a very humbling feeling, but also one that gave him some hope; hope that hadn't been there before he called Sam.
"So," Sam said, settling back in the seat, trying to steer clear of the chick-flick moment that he knew would embarrass Dean. "It was the dream then that made you want a drink?"
Dean nodded. "Yeah… I mean, before when I had the dreams I could just take a drink and it would help calm me down. Help mellow me out. But now…" He shook his head. "Now… just seems like I feel everything… and I feel so… so out of control… sometimes I can't even think straight…"
He let his gaze travel out the window and took a deep breath.
"But the worst times are when I'm awake… I'll have these… these moments… if I start thinking about Hell… or the stuff I did… if I think about it too much it's like I'm suddenly back there… Christ, it's so fucking real… I can smell it… hear it… feel it… and if I close my eyes I see it…" Dean stopped abruptly, covering his face with his hand.
"But it's not real," Sam said gently. "You're awake and you know it's not real."
Dean swallowed hard and shook his head. "You don't get it, Sam. It feels so fucking real… I honestly can't tell. It's like when I had that Ghost Sickness, but now I don't know when I'm gonna freak out… I don't know what the trigger is gonna be… and before the alcohol took care of it… I could drink it away… but now… shit… sometimes just looking at the handprint Cas gave me is enough to set it off!"
Dean fell silent, unable to speak anymore. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, trying to fight down the panic he could already feel building up inside of him. Sam frowned at Dean's sudden silence and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Dean? What's wrong?" His frown deepened as he felt Dean trembling under his hand. "Jesus, Dean! What is it?"
Dean shook his head emphatically and forced a weak smile. "See? I… I can't even fucking talk about it… can't even think about it… I start freaking out too much…"
Suddenly, Dean could faintly smell the stench of sulfur start filtering in through the open window. Sweat began to pour off his forehead.
"Oh crap," He whimpered under his breath.
Sam's concern began to grow. "Dean? Talk to me, man! What's wrong?"
"We need to go," Dean croaked out, wrapping his arms around himself.
"OK," Sam said uncertainly, but started up the car. He shot another anxious glance at his brother. "I'm going to take you back to Doctor Morgan's, OK?"
Dean nodded gratefully. When he heard Sam put the car into gear he forced himself to look up and open his eyes despite his fear.
Then he saw him.
Twenty feet down the road stood Alistair, his form lit up by the Impala's headlights. His eyes were jet black and he had a sinister smirk on his face as his eyes locked with Dean's. He carried a large butcher knife in his right hand from which copious amounts of blood dripped from the blade. Dean's eyes widened in terror.
I'm coming for you, Dean…
"Drive, Sam! DRIVE NOW!!!" Dean cried out.
Sam, startled by Dean's reaction, floored the gas out of sheer instinct and spun the car around 180 degrees. He then shot down the road back towards the doctor's house.
"What!?!? What is it, Dean!?!? What did you see!?" Sam yelled, trying to look in the review mirror.
Dean looked into the side mirror. He could see Alistair running down the road behind them, the smirk never leaving his face. The demon continued to keep pace with the car.
"Faster, Sam! Faster! He's going to catch up!" Dean yelled in panic.
Dumbfounded, Sam kept looking from the road to the mirror.
"Dean! There's no one following us!"
Dean could no longer hear Sam. The screams of tortured souls echoed in his ears, drowning out everything else. He looked around desperately for something, anything to fight with. He finally opened the glove compartment and pulled out the small revolver they kept in there for emergencies. Its chambers contained silver bullets which would have to do.
Sam's eyes widened when he saw the gun.
"Fuck! Dean, what the fuck are you doing!?! Put the gun down, Dean!"
"He's coming, Sam! He's right behind us!" Dean said desperately. He pointed the gun out of the window and fired. Alistair simply leaned to one side and laughed as the bullet whizzed by him.
"SON OF A BITCH!!! Damn it, Dean! THERE IS NOTHING BACK THERE!!! Put the gun down! It's not real! Whatever you're seeing isn't there! Listen to me, Dean!"
Dean fired again and missed. He continued shooting, desperately trying to hit the demon to no avail. He was still coming.
Gonna get you, Deano… but maybe I'll start by slicing up you're little brother while you watch…
A sob escaped Dean's lips as he continued to fire. Suddenly, the gun only clicked, signaling he was out of bullets. Sam was trying to pull him back from the window.
"Stop it! Stop shooting! There's nothing there! Dean, listen to me!!! LISTEN!!!"
"He's trying to get me, Sam! He's almost here!"
All of a sudden, Sam slammed on the brakes, bringing them to a screeching halt. Dean looked at Sam in horror.
"What are you doing!?!? He's right there!" Dean screamed.
I'm gonna get you, Dean…
Sam looked sadly at Dean.
"Dean, I'm sorry I have to do this."
Before Dean could react Sam swung and hit Dean in the head, landing the blow just right to knock the man unconscious. Dean slumped over, the empty revolver slipping from his hand to the floor. The car fell silent, save for the music on the radio. Sam closed his eyes and wiped away the tears that had begun to fall. He gave one last glance in the review mirror revealing a still empty road behind them. The young man took a deep breath before shifting the car into gear and driving back the rest of the way to the doctor's house.