39: Why Can you Read Me Like No One Else?

"Welcome home, my beautiful baby boy!" Courtney cooed as she entered the apartment a few days later. She crossed the living room and sat on the couch with Bronx in her arms. Pete sat next to her.

"I bet your glad to be out of the hospital," you said with a smile.

"Oh yes. The nurses were driving me insane! They kept saying how young I looked and how adorable Bronx is. They wouldn't leave me alone! They just kept coming in giving me advice and instructions!"

You laughed. "That's kind of their job. And you are young. We're not even a year out of high school."

"So, I'm still an adult." You just rolled your eyes. The tiny bundle in Courtney's arms moved a little and you just watched. "Do you want to hold him?" she asked you with a smile unfamiliar to you.

"Oh, um, no…I'm good, I think," you answered awkwardly.

"Oh come on. Just hold him for a little while. After all, you're pretty much his aunt and you are his godmother," Courtney said as she came over to you and placed Bronx in your arms. You froze, afraid to move incase you woke him or, worse, hurt him. His tiny fist emerged from the pale blue blanket and he yawned. He slightly opened his chocolaty brown eyes and looked up at you. You felt a rush of emotions in the pit of your stomach and smiled, relaxing.

"Hi," you said quietly. "You are a beautiful little boy, aren't you? One day, you're going to have to fight off all the ladies with a stick. You look so much like your daddy, except you've got your mommy's lips. That's a good thing, because I personally think your daddy has a big mouth." You giggled and looked up at Pete. "I'm sorry, but it's the truth."

"Remind me to hurt you for that later…when you're not holding my son," Pete said.

You continued to smile and looked at Patrick. "Your turn to hold him," you said, placing Baby Bronx in his awaiting arms. As Patrick smiled down at Bronx, your stomach squirmed again. You could plainly see the adoration and love in Patrick's eyes and smile as he told the baby all the things that he'd do for him as an 'uncle'. All you could do was watch with a small smile.

After a while, Courtney was starting fall asleep on the couch, so you and Patrick stood. "I'm staying at Patrick's for a while, so you two can get used to being parents," you told Pete.

"You mean to get away from a crying baby in the middle of the night when you're trying to sleep," he corrected.

You smiled. "Bye, Pete!" You shut the door quietly behind you as you left. "They're going to be great parents," you thought out loud as you made your way to Patrick's car. His hand found yours as you walked side by side.

The ride to Patrick's apartment was quiet. The radio played softly in the background while you watched out your window, lost in thought.

All the ways you make my stomach turn

and all the long drives

It was almost 2:30 am and you were wide awake, your mind continually running the same thoughts through about the past few days. Finally you couldn't take it any longer. You sighed. "Patrick?" you asked quietly.

"Hmmm?" You could tell that he had almost fallen asleep.

You paused, unsure of how to say what was on your mind. "What would you say if I told you I was pregnant?"

"You're pregnant? By who? I mean, we never—" He was wide awake now.

"No, I'm not. I promise I'm not. But say we had and I was pregnant with your baby…what would you say?"

There was a moment of silence while Patrick thought. Finally he huffed and said, "I wouldn't want to put you in a position you're not ready for."

You sighed. "But that's ultimately my decision," you argued. You've always hated it when people tried to tell you what you were old enough for or not.

"True," he consented, defeated.

You pulled yourself into his arms and rested your head on his chest. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on edge like that."

He wrapped his arm around your waist. "It's okay." You lay in silence for a few minutes.

"Patrick?" you asked again.

"Yeah?"

"You want to be a dad, don't you?" You felt you knew the answer already, but you still wanted to hear him say it.

"I do…someday," he finally answered. "Julie?"

You smiled. "Yes?"

"Do you want kids?"

"Honestly?" You rolled onto your stomach to face him, practically laying ontop of him. Patrick nodded in the dark. "I'd be scared out of my mind. I mean, this tiny, fragile human is depending on you to survive. And then there's the sleepless nights of crying, diaper changing, and bottle feeding…But on the other hand," you smiled, "there're the looks of love and adoration that they give you….And the knowledge that you created this little person…that they're the best parts of two people in love. I think someday I'd like to have that. So, yes—to answer your question—someday."

Patrick said nothing, but leaned up and kissed you. When he broke away after a few seconds, you kissed him again, deeper this time. Each kiss became a soft push or pull, each one deeper as you tried to get as close to each other as possible. Patrick's touch always remained surprisingly gentle, never more than a caress. The rabid butterflies ran rampid and free all over within you. You entangled your fingers in his hair while he slid his hand to the center of your back, your shirt riding up. He slowly led a trail of soft kisses down your neck and back to your lips. You wrapped your leg around his and he traded places with you, so you were laying on your back. That's where the kisses stopped. You looked up at him with a confused look and saw that he wore a slightly pained expression. Already knowing your question, he said in a husky voice, "I'm sorry. I just don't think that we're, you know, ready…at this point in our relationship. I want everything to go right; I don't want to just rush into things." He sat up with his back to you. "God, I feel like such an idiot," he muttered.

You sat up as well and leaned your head on his shoulder. "I don't think you're an idiot. I think you're amazing." You kissed his shoulder. "And I think you're right. I've screwed up this relationship once before, and I think it's all the more necessary for us to take our time. It's unfortunate that you have to be strong enough for both of us to keep us both in check."

"It is so hard for me…it took everything I had to stop just now."

"Someday we'll be ready. Someday, we'll get there," you assured him.

He turned to face you. "I really would do anything for you," he said. You gave him a light kiss. "I mean it." You kissed him again.

"I'll do my best to be stronger, to keep myself in check," you promised him, laying back down. You watched him watching you, still unsure of himself. "I'll be good, I promise," you said with a smile. He relaxed a little and lay back in his previous position. You pulled yourself in his arms again, resting your head on his chest once more. His arm held your slender waist again. His thumb ran a light pattern over your side, while yours did the same on his stomach. Finally exhaustion over took you and you started to drift off to seep.

"Julie?" Patrick whispered quietly.

"Hmm?" You hardly made a sound.

"I love you." You pulled yourself slightly closer as you fell asleep.