Saturday June 2nd, 2012
*Flashback Letter*
Logan,
I HATE YOU. Yes, you read that right. I HATE YOU. I think I finally reached the anger stage of grieving. I HATE that you bailed on me after Mark. I HATE that you broke up with me on that night. I HATE that on Wednesday, you got my hopes up that we could date again but not tell anyone, because that way there are no expectations, no insane amount of pressure. I HATE that you just said what I wanted to hear and that you couldn't just be honest with in that moment. I HATE that I once again have to settle with just being friends. I thought that it was something that I could handle being. I thought that it was just another role that I could just adjust in to. We have done it before, we should be able to do it again, right? I was so angry when I was driving home. No anger doesn't do it justice. There was rage. I was that angry, that hurt, that betrayed. I managed to clean the first floor of the house in less than two hours (sweeping, dusting, windexed the windows, swept the front porch, wiped down the paneling on the side of the house, bleached the sink, cleaned off the counters, put things away, swept off the stairs, etc). Took a walk when I was done which would normally take about half an hour to forty five minutes but managed to take just fifteen. Talked to a friend for a few minutes. Tried calling you but you didn't pick up which now that I think about it, I am rather thankful for. I think it will be easier just to see one another on Monday at 6:00. Space from each other is a good thing right? More time to heal. Well more time for me to heal, for you seem to be doing just fine I guess. Well not really fine, but a little bit better than me I guess.
Friends, FRIENDS? Are you freaking kidding me? You want me to go from the girl that loved you for 22 months, kissed you good night each time we hung out, snuggled with during movies, you made dinner for me when I was upset, we went shopping together on more than one occasion, went out on many dates (far too many to count at this point), etc. We talked about getting married, moving in together, what dreams jobs we both wanted, what kind of cars we would want, how to split the money, you bought me a ring for crying out loud, Logan. And you just honestly expect me to go back to being FRIENDS. Sure that will be simple, because I am a heartless person who can just do that in the blink of an eye.
I'm sorry for sounding so angry but for once I feel like I need to show it (well at least have you read it). I am angry, Logan. I miss you already. Not being with you hurts, it really hurts. To quote you "there isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about it." One would question, if I still care about you so much, why just settle for being friends if it will just cause you more pain? You have always been my friend even while dating that's why our relationship had such a strong foundation. You have always known each emotions without me even having to say anything. You know what movies I want to see without even me uttering a word. We finish each other sentences like no body's business. Our nothing fights were always fun. Your smile brought a smile to my face no matter how angry we were at one another. And for that I would much rather have in my life than not in it at all.
The boundaries we set have to stay in place this time. No friends with benefits, just friends. The kind who don't call all the time, but call when something good, or horrible happens. The kind where we can still laugh and have fun together. The kind who hug, but don't kiss one another. The one's who enjoy a few card game nights with the families, but no snuggle sessions during a movie. The kind of friends who don't try to hard to find the perfect outfit, or song etc. The kind where expectations come with time but aren't just implied like they were before. I do hope that we can both be okay with this. See you Monday at six, Logan. Have a good rest of your weekend.
In time being "friends" will not fill me with anger,
Rory