His wounds. Yes, that was it. Izaya was clearly hearing things due to his wounds. He was hallucinating. He was extremely doped up on medication. Yeah! Shinra was an underground doctor after all, occasionally he was going to screw up on the dosages he was supposed to be given… or he was testing new drugs. Oh, but he was going to have some serious revenge on that man.

Perhaps he would make his courier going on an errand… to Ireland for a few years. He could see it now, 'oh, she's missing? That's awful, Shinra!' He would probably become sick at heart, regret everything bad he's ever done.

"Say something, louse."

Parting from dreams is such sweet sorrow…

Izaya looked over at the blond and stared at him thoughtfully, "I don't believe I heard you correct-"

"I said I loved you. Stop being an asshole about it."

Ah… scratch the extreme Shinra plan then… "Love?" The informant raised an eyebrow, shaking his head a bit, "do you realize what that is supposed to mean? Shizu-chan, what you feel can be categorized as lust, horny, and lonely. That does not equal love-"

"I know how I fucking feel!" The anger of that statement sent the blond to his feet, glaring daggers at the informant.

"Do you?" Izaya carefully shifted himself a bit, getting himself into a semi-sitting position and biting back the pain. "You just have this all figured out?"

"I don't need to have this all figured out."

"Ne? By all means, tell me what you expect then! Inform me, Shizu-chan."

The blond shut his eyes a moment before answering, "I don't expect shit from you. I only expect to be able to see our son on a regular basis-"

"Ooh, wrong answer. I'm sorry, but thanks for dropping by. It's been a pleasur-"

Shizuo covered his mouth, pressing him into the bed and glaring, "I'm not finished yet. I expect to see our son. I expect to have you shut your damn pride up for a minute to listen and I expect that I'm not the only one feeling this shit. I don't know why I fell in love with a scumbag like you, but I did so shut the hell up."

Izaya waited calmly for the hand to be removed from his face before speaking. "Hard to talk when your hand's over my mouth." He smirked at the blond. "You think by being blunt of course that I'll just surrender to you. However, you must realize I don't care. At all."

"You're a liar though, so that means you do."

"I recant my former statement, if that's how your lie detector works, then I don't need it for crime television."

"Stop changing the damn subject!"

"Changing? I wasn't doing anything, Shizu-chan."

"Really?"

"Nope, not a thing."

"Liar."

"Ah, and we return to the heart of our conversation. Yes, Shizu-chan. I lie, but unfortunately for you, you are unable to tell when I lie and when I tell the truth."

"Or you're lying and saying I can't tell."

Izaya shrugged offhandedly, "valid assumption."

"So I'm right."

"And here I thought we were making progress…"

"…How was Tsuki born?"

"Hmm?" Izaya blinked, "Shizu-chan, you can't just switch topics at the toss of a hat. It's rather rude."

"Shinra had nothing to do with it, since he was shocked to find out about him a while back. That means you had him somewhere else."

"A client of mine wanted an heir. I was just so conveniently located and you were just so conveniently in the area when I was hyped up on some serious aphrodisiacs."

"An heir… You're raising him like a sheep to the slaughter…"

Izaya looked over at him, "no, more like a showdog, but you get the idea."

"…"

"Now you know! Wasn't this fun. I think this was the most entertaining game we have played yet!"

Izaya nearly jumped out of his skin when the blond started to laugh. A real, genuine laugh that doubled him over into his chair; he laughed for several minutes as Izaya stared at him.

That was… unpredicted.

"You e-e-expect me t-to believe that you r-raised Tsuki as an heir to some shady mobster?"

"No, I did." The tone of his voice was flat, leaving no room for doubt.

"That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard!" The man laughed harder as Izaya continued to watch him. The brute must have lost his mind. Heartbroken, he was clinging to his bouts of lust, thinking he can get him to take it all back and become domesticated.

Ah, this was quite interesting.

"It's quite reasonable actually. A child with your strength and my intelligence would be perfect for such a task… and he's more of a leader of a mob than a mobster. There's a bit more… je ne sais pas to him."

Shizuo looked at him skeptically, "oh yeah?"

Izaya nodded, "yeah, Shiki is a bit more refined in tastes than most underling mobsters."

"So if Tsuki means nothing to you, why'd you save him?"

Damn! Point Shizu-chan. "I never said he meant nothing~"

"That's exactly what you said a few minutes ago."

"No, see, now you're twisting my words. I felt obligated to protect him. Motherly instinct is a bitch."

"So you do care about him."

"Nope."

"You just said you felt obligated to protect him," Shizuo quoted, "that's caring… Shit, no wonder you keep saying this shit about not caring, you don't know what feelings are, do you?"

Point Shizu-chan. "Ah, Shizu-chan, you belitt-"

"That would explain why your sisters are little demons as well…" Shizuo laughed a bit before standing up and ruffling the brunet's hair, "you're just as much a monster as I am."

Before thinking, Izaya slapped the man's hand away, glaring at him, removing all traces of his smirking mask. "Don't you dare degrade me to your level."

"Why did you lead me back to your home that night then, Izaya? You could have dragged anyone into an alley. You could have gone to a brothel."

Izaya glared at him silently. Oh, if only the force were real for one moment. Shizuo's smug face would be dog kibble.

"I'll be with our son when you decide to join us." The man turned and left the room.

He didn't care though! He was just raising the kid to be a shit to Shiki. He was only doing what he did best. Tsukishima was the ultimate chance at trolling. The kid was only his tool to antagonize the ex-bartender and the yakuza.

He didn't care.

"I love you vatti!" Izaya felt his face burn at the memory of one of many times that boy used the phrase Shizuo was throwing around so easily.

There was no such thing as love. Love was a lust consumed, loneliness curing deception that couples indulged in so that they could feel like they belonged somewhere. It was a phrase for one to open up to another and claim them as their own. It was complete hogwash. It was a load of crap.

There was nothing about that stupid phrase that should appeal to anyone. Westerners used the phrase like it was like saying hello. At least here in Japan, he was supposed to hear it less, if at all.

It wasn't real.

Why did you save Tsuki?

He really wished he knew. It had been second nature. Izaya looked around the quiet room. He could always surrender Tsukishima to Shizuo. He could hand the kid over, give him a nice goodbye hug and be on his way.

Shizuo would hate him again.

Tsuki would be crushed…

"Vatti?" Izaya opened his eyes to look up at the little boy standing in the doorway. Damn! He had just finished potty training the kid!

"Was ist das?" (What is it?)

"I can't sleep."

Izaya sighed as the boy reverted to Japanese and pulled the child to his bed. "Why can't you sleep?"

"Doesn't dad love us? Why does everyone else have their mom and dad live together but we don't."

Izaya wiped at the boy's tears and smiled a little, "your dad… your dad and I had a very difficult relationship. We hated each other, but one night we loved each other very much. We let our emotions get the best of us and we made you." He took the boy's hands and put them on his belly. "You were the most stubborn thing, stayed in there for nine months and continuously stole all my ootoro."

"Ootoro?"

"All my fatty tuna. Omnomnomnomnom~" He grabbed the boy's sides and tickled him unmercifully, pretending to eat him. "And you kept eating and eating and eating all of my ootoro and when I didn't eat my beloved ootoro you would kick and kick and kick at me until you got more of my fatty tuna~"

"ahahahahahhahahahaahahahaa~ Vatti~ Vatti~! Ahahahahahahahahhhahaa Stop~! Pleaseeeeeeeee!"

Izaya pulled the kicking, squealing child under the covers and hugged him close, "your dad was bad with people though, and after that night of love, hated me again, so we parted ways and I got to keep you all to myself."

"I love you vatti." Tsuki murmured, yawning a bit before snuggling closer.

"I love you too, Tsuki-chan…" Izaya sat in the bed and stared at the door in horror.

He was in love with Shizuo and Tsukishima…

~.~

A/N: It's about time, ne? Gah! I would have updated sooner, but again Izaya proved himself to be a difficult little flea. DX

Plus I have a nice Hetalia/Durarara crossover idea I working on so it's been hogging my time. -shot-

My reason for updating, someone said in their review that they were going to die. I was all "OH SCHEISSE!" -immediately begins typing- You're reviews are inspiration and with the story coming close to the end, that means the reviews are even more important! So you know, leave a little something for the overworked informant here below.