Red vs Blue Arrancars
Dealer Incentive!
Rey and Di-Roy have Charlotte surrounded inside the blue base.
Rey: So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us.
Charlotte: Female!? I'm not a girl.
Rey: Tease.
Charlotte: I just have, light red armor.
Di-Roy: How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable...
Charlotte: At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' aweful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!
Rey: Silence woman!
Cut to Baraggan addressing Findor and Nirgge.
Baraggan: Good Bhudda's noodle, how could this have happened?
Findor: It's okay sir. It was a strong plan, Grif's just a dumbass.
Nirgge: Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.
Baraggan: Settle down, ladies. We need a new strategum, and we need it fast.
Findor: Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything.
Nirgge: Everything like what, where we keep his tampons?
Baraggan: You're right about that, Findor. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!
Skullak enters the blue base with Rey waiting for him.
Skullak: How's it goin', Rey? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?
Rey: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?
Skullak: Do we have a crock pot?
Rey: No, Di-Roy made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.
Skullak: What was in the mystery box?
Rey: A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise.
Skullak: ...well that's a good trade...
Rey: Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen.
Skullak: How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds...
Rey: ...
Skullak and Rey: ...
Skullak: The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
Rey: Dammit, I knew there would be a catch.
Zips around to another part of the blue base, where Di-Roy and Charlotte are.
Di-Roy: That was fun. Okay, okay, your turn. Truth, or dare.
Charlotte: Hmmm, truth!
Di-Roy: Okay. Tell me, all of the red secret plans!
Charlotte: Ahaw, you tricked me! You blue guys are so smart. Okay, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is-
Skullak runs up and inhabits Charlotte.
Charlotte: Adgibagajabagagagagagagagagagaa!
Skullak: Di-Roy! It's me, Skullak. I posessed this guy so we can... whoo, hey. This pink armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you two guys talkin' about?
Di-Roy: Ohouw, nothing.
Skullak: You wanna braid each other's hair?
Cut to Rey cresting a hill in the Gulch.
Rey: Hello inferior red squad!
Skullak: We would like to talk to you about-
Di-Roy: Sneak attack!
Skullak: Shut up you idiot, we're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate.
Di-Roy: Ahay, sneak negotiation!
Baraggan, Nirgge and Findor come to the front of the red base.
Baraggan: What the- Charlotte! What is this!?
Rey: I think he's talking to you.
Skullak: We, uh I mean they, would like to negotiate a surrender, to us. No to them, no wait nono that's right, to them, to us.
Rey: Oh, smooth dude.
Baraggan: What's this business, the blues are givin' up? I smell a trap, or a rat... or a rat, in a trap. Don't accept it Findor.
Findor: You can't surrender blues, we haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, and then you can surrender.
Nirgge: Wait, if we accept, that means we would have two surrenders, and they would have none. That means we win!
Findor: Win what?
Nirgge: I don't know, the war, er something. Right?
Findor: You're an idiot.
Church: In exchange for not killing us, they, them- we, they would like to, release the robot guy, and me. (exchanges glances with Rey a couple times) ...the pink guy.
Rey: Are you becoming retarded?
Findor: What should we do, sir?
Baraggan: I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation. No offense, Findor.
Findor: Nooone taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Nirgge.
Nirgge: (hopping around behind them) Noh I kin, I just can't take this, we're all gonna die! Wohouw.
Skullak: I don't think they're going for it.
A shot goes behind Rey, startling him and Skullak... wouldn't it startle you?
Rey: Oh, mother fucker!
Findor: (holding the sniper rifle) Okay, now you're under attack. Go ahead and surrender, bitch!
Baraggan: Nice thinkin' Findor.
Nirgge: The humanity!
Skullak: Alright, they surrender!
Rey: (arming his weapon) Fuck that, I'm pissed, let's fight.
Baraggan: Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy, we demand the return of our robot, and our pink private!
Skullak: Okay, but there's one catch!
Baraggan: What in shinola?
Skullak: Sarge they want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner, that they're releasing.
Findor: Hey that wasn't part of the deal!
Nirgge: Why exactly are we negotiating with Charlotte?
Rey: Skullak why do we need two robots?
Skullak: You know... one for me, and... (under breath) one for Texas.
Rey: Oh man, don't tell me you're doing this for Tex. You're still in love with her, aren't you.
Skullak: Hey get off my back, man. Most dead chicks aren't exactly linin' up to haunt this dirthole. Besides, if I don't get her a body, she's gonna steal mine anyway.
Rey: Eh, good point.
Skullak: Bitch.
Baraggan: Alright you blue scumsuckers! What robot models did you have in mind?
Skullak: I guess make 'em just like Dordoni! Except, you know, just a shell, no intelligence!
Di-Roy: These new robots sound much nicer.
Rey: That's because they sound like you.
Skullak: Oh and no Spanish! And a bigger switch!
Baraggan: Okay, we got a deal! Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange.
Rey: Deal!
Skullak: Okay. I gotta hurry back before Dordoni and Loly suspect anything. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave. I mean it. I'll meet you guys back at the base. (leaves Charlotte's body)
Charlotte: Huwhuuugaygaayeeeeeee! What the...? Where am I?
Di-Roy: We were just talking to your friends. But you're going to stay with us now for a while.
Charlotte: Are we gonna have a sleepover? Because that would be sweet.
Di-Roy: ...You're a nice lady.
Cut to Ghostly Skullak back at the blue base.
Skullak: Alright guys, I- Loly? Dordoni? What the, why do people keep leaving?
Back to reds and blues.
Baraggan: Oh blue team... Before you go, maybe we should talk about optional equipment on your new robots.
Rey: What optional equipment!?
Baraggan: All you said you wanted was a body, we didn't talk about featuuuures.
Rey: Like what?
Surge: You know, undercoating, extended warranty, features, man, come on. Like do you want them to be able to use both arms at once?
Rey: Of course.
Baraggan: Asynchronous arm movement isssssss optional!
Rey: What? Oh man, I told Skullak they would try to screw us! What about the feet?
Baraggan: Did you want feet?
Rey: Yeah we want feet!
Baraggan: Sorry, feet are optional.
Rey: What's on the bottom of its legs?
Baraggan: Legs are optional.
Rey: Oh man, what a ripoff.
Baraggan: Options are optional.
Rey: What isn't optional?
Baraggan: You look like a nice guy, don't worry, we'll work something out. Have you thought about financing? How's yer credit? I can offer you a free set of high quality mud flaps... and a lube job... You won't be disappointed! I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic!